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Episode Transcription

📍 Welcome back to another episode of the 200% Marriage Podcast. If you've been paying attention, and I know you have, we've been reading the book, the 200% Marriage, your Winning Playbook to be an Unstoppable Team.

We're reading, each chapter and then having little conversation after about little chitchat. Little chitchat about the concepts behind the scenes stuff. Things that we did while we were writing the book going deeper on concepts, all those types of things. Stories that didn't make the book, sometimes stories that didn't make the book cutting on floor directors cut. So we're kicking off part two, chapter six we're each reading the chapters that we wrote.

I happened to write chapter six, so I'm gonna read it. So here we go.

Part two, commitment to a 200% marriage mindset. I am responsible for what I say, not for what you understand. John Wayne.

Chapter six, eat your own damn pie.

The moment you accept total responsibility for everything in your life is the moment you can change anything in your life. Hal Elrod.

I used to believe the same thing. Most people think a good marriage should be 50 50. I believed that because that's what I heard and saw growing up. It was my experience. You have two people in a marriage, so it's only fair to take on half divided up 50 50. One person is responsible for half of everything in the marriage, and the other person is responsible for the other half.

On the surface, it sort of makes sense, so I never questioned it. If you have a whole pie and two people ready to crush it, each person should get half. It's the only fair way to do it, right? Wrong. That's not how marriage works at all. Instead of thinking of marriage as one pie, think of marriage as two people joining forces each with their own pie.

Two people, two pies. Marriage equals more pie. And who doesn't love more pie? Only weirdos don't like pie. Pie is delicious. Here's the catch. You've gotta eat your own damn pie. Now let's play out a 50 50 model. Something new comes up and goes wrong.

Who's 50% does it fall under? If you're both part of the problem, who should apologize? Who tracks which chores fall into whose quota? That math gets messy, fast, and instead of love, you get score keeping defensiveness and resentment. All of those things are bad. That's not part of my 50%. That's your problem.

I apologize first last time. You need to apologize first for this shit storm. I always make sure the kids are fed, bathed, and put to bed. If we're up to you, they'd be hungry. Dirty zombies. When are you gonna actually help out around here? You always do this. Why is it suddenly a problem when I do it? Don't worry.

I'll just do it myself like I always do. Any of those sound vaguely familiar? That back and forth is poison. 50 50 turns marriage into a never ending audit where nobody feels seen or appreciated and everyone feels shortchanged. So as a quick recap, a 50 50 marriage mindset equals poison.

A 100, 100 marriage mindset equals pie. What would you rather have? Poison or pie. What if you stopped aiming for 50% and went for a hundred percent? What would change in your marriage? What if when you saw something that needed to be done, you just did it? Instead of waiting for their apology, you just owned your part and apologized for contributing to the disagreement.

What if you just folded the pile of laundry instead of walking past it? What if you took the initiative and said what was on your mind instead of waiting for your teammate to try and pull it outta you like a dentist wrestling with an uncooperative molar?

If your teammate did the same?

That's not a 50 50 marriage. That's a 200% marriage. Both of you take full responsibility for the whole thing. No score keeping, no resentment. Just two people all in. Here's an example of how this looked for us in real life. Mer and I have a ritual. We go to bed together at the same time every night. It might sound small, but it's not.

We have found that going to bed at the same time allows us the opportunity to connect while doing something we'd be doing anyway, in this case, getting ready for bed. We get to ask each other questions and find out how we each processed the day. That can be easier in the dark and it creates more intimacy.

Plus we get to lie together and cuddle before we fall asleep. And the more you lie together, the more likely other cool things are to happen too. That's a pro tip for you if you're looking for other cool things to happen too. If you're picking up what I'm putting down as part of our bedtime ritual, we cuddle, have a quick chit chat, a kiss on the lips, then I tap mare's bum and we both roll over and that signals it's time to go to sleep.

It's taken us a while to find this rhythm and establish a ritual that works for us. In the early days, we'd just get in bed and drift off to sleep. But Mer wasn't cool with this non-rich ritual. She wanted a goodnight kiss. Now I'm gonna pass the baton over to her so she can tell you about creating this ritual in her own words.

Mer, here, I'm just gonna cut in and tell this part of the story here real quick. Damn right. I wanted a good night kiss. So one night I just leaned over, puck it up loudly 'cause it was dark and I wanted him to know I was there waiting. And I did it again the next night.

And then the next night. And I started doing this every night because I wanted to end our day with a good night kiss. But then somewhere along the way, after maybe a dozen nights started to piss me off, that I was always the one initiating the goodnight kiss stories began to run through my head. That sounded like.

Why doesn't he wanna give me a goodnight kiss? Why is it always my job to initiate the goodnight kiss? If he really loved me, he'd wanna kiss me goodnight too, and that sort of nonsense. And then I caught myself. I recognized the stories that were pissing me off, and I checked myself.

I want a goodnight kiss and I'm getting a good night kiss. Why am I so mad about it? Why wouldn't it be my job to initiate it? What's wrong with initiating it? Why would I let something as silly as who puckers first get in the way of enjoying a goodnight kiss? I decided to just take responsibility for the Goodnight Kiss, and we still do it every night, and I love it.

And as the ritual has been ongoing for years and years, I now also initiate the goodnight Kiss. It's just become a given that when one leans in the other is already there waiting lips puckered ready to end the day with a goodnight kiss. Mer could've let her stories take over and played the 50 50 game.

I initiated the kiss last night. If it's his turn to initiate tonight. Suppose she did that and in the early days of our relationship, who knows what would've happened. We'd have a lot fewer goodnight kisses under our belts. I do know that the stories mere made up are similar to the stories we all make up about silly stuff in our relationship.

What matters is catching yourself and not letting the stories run the show. Because she took a hundred percent responsibility for our goodnight kiss in the early days of our relationship. I saw that and now I also take 100% responsibility for making sure it happens.

I'll tell you, I'll be forever grateful if something were to happen and only one of us opened our eyes in the morning knowing the last thing we did was embrace and end our last day with a goodnight kiss. End a bum tap. Don't forget about the bum tap. That's the power of having a 200% marriage mindset.

And that's chapter six. I love setting the stage for part two, the 200% marriage mindset with that story. When I think back to what I heard over and over growing up, like in passing everywhere, it wasn't even that marriage is 50 50, it was a good marriage is 50 50, right?

It takes it a step further like that, that old adage is a good marriage is 50 50. And. It's to your point in the chapter, the exact opposite of that. Because if we're constantly trying to decide if that's my 50 or your 50, then it's, it's like a fricking auditor coming in with their.

Checklist. Who owns this? Who owns this, who owns this? And then you're just constantly tracking shit and pointing fingers at each other for not doing with the thing that you think they're supposed to be doing for the rest of your life. Not what I signed up for. It's not one pie that you split, you each have your own fucking pie.

You gotta eat it. Damn pie. I think I used in the book, and actually that analogy came outta nowhere. Yeah. When I was writing it, I read your chapter and I was like, interesting. Where'd the pie come from? It just popped up right up here. As I was writing it, I was like 50 50 pie, splitting it.

And I was like, well, no, it's, it's, that's not how it works because if it's a hundred and a hundred, that means we each get our own pie and that's fucking great. 'cause who doesn't love pie? Marriage means more pie.

The Goodnight Kiss is such a great simple story because those stories slide in there so insidiously. And that's usually how they happen.

You usually are doing something and then all of a sudden you're like, well, why is it my job? Why is it my responsibility? Why do I have to, why don't they want to? And you can say that about almost any part of your relationship. And I just love the, it's the example in this instance is a good night kiss.

It's something so. Sweet and easy and doesn't require any work. And you could easily turn that into something that you fight about. A flashpoint for disconnection, right? It's the, the thing that's meant to bring you closer, connect, end your day on a high and a positive note.

You could, if you chose to look at it a different way, completely do the opposite with that. A lot of people do and it's why the divorce rates are where they are. And instead of adopting this 50 50, like I gave the goodnight kiss first last night, it's someone else's turn to initiate that. There's only one other person there, so that means it's your turn.

I was like, who else's turn is it gonna me? It's the only other person there. It's yours. It's my turn now. Meanwhile, I'm not thinking about it. The day got away from me and I'm thinking about my to-do list or who knows any number of things.

Probably you're hungry. Could be I'm hungry. Could be that I'm just tired and want to go to sleep and I didn't think about it. And to, to turn your marriage into an audit. When you want the kiss just own. Just own it. Own, own it. That's where the power is. And to our point in the book, a lot of times when you just do own it, it becomes such a habit and ritual in your marriage that it just becomes second nature.

The other person's either ready, willing and ready to go, it just becomes routine for both of you, but it doesn't start out that way immediately. Mm-hmm. It might take a little time. Mm-hmm. And repetition. So the other thing I like about this example is this is a thread we're gonna see throughout the book in different areas and aspects is: it's a choice.

In that moment when I was letting those stories go, when I was getting frustrated and annoyed, like. Why doesn't he wanna give me a kiss? And having that sort of internal dialogue with myself and I had the choice of continuing down that path and letting that rev me up and piss me off and create disconnection and conflict between us or.

I could choose to give you the benefit of the doubt. And it's not that he doesn't want to give me a goodnight kiss. Of course he does. He just isn't thinking about it. It's just not top of mind and not being upset at him that it's not top of mind. It's just he's distracted by something else in this moment.

And if I initiate it, I still get the kiss that I want. So one, choosing the path that I, I want to walk anyway. I don't think I realized, even as I'm doing it in real time in our relationship, the power of the daily micro choices you're making on the inside with yourself.

And we'll have other examples of this as we go through the book because we've discussed them relatively lately. But there's so many examples of Micro decisions. Micro choices you're making. In conversation with yourself in your own head every day about where you want this relationship to go.

And this is a good example of one I could have chosen to, to cause a conflict about this, like get into an argument about this and or I could have not chosen to argue with you, but chosen to be resentful on the inside about it. Even it's even worse, a hundred percent worse. Or I can choose to just continue to get the kiss that I wanna get in the first place and just shut up about it and enjoy it.

That's the choice I made. But those micro choices are available to you almost every freaking day. In which way are you choosing them? It starts with an awareness and then intentionally adopting a 200% marriage mindset of I am responsible for everything in this relationship. So I want the kiss, I go for the kiss that, see that pile of laundry.

I'm just gonna take care of it. Because as you're taking a hundred percent responsibility, so is the other person. As they're walking by the laundry and all the things, apologizing first, the wanting to have a good night kiss.

They're also taking ownership and, and just making it happen. So then now you have two people who just see something needs to be done. It just take care of it. And there's no audit, there's no scorekeeping. And it's important to know that. You may not both adopt that mindset at the exact same time.

Leaders go first, and they show the way, and then the other person comes along. So you might be the only one adopting this mindset in the beginning, and that's okay.

That's normal. That's likely how it happens for 95% plus of the people in the world, one of you in the relationship has to make the decision and change first. And if you're a leader and you're taking a hundred percent responsibility, that's you. The other person. It takes one person to shift the dynamic of a relationship.

It takes two to make a relationship work and, and take it to its outcome. Its resolution, but it takes one to start making a change. Good or bad. One of you starts checking out. Eventually you're both gonna be checked out. One of you starts digging in standing in their power and taking a hundred percent responsibility and just doing the shit that needs to be done.

The other one will eventually come along. If you are. Changing and, and taking responsibility. You are changing the relationship, literally changing the relationship, the dynamic in the relationship.

And eventually when you do that, you have to be consistent. You have to show up and keep doing that. But when you do the other person, most of the time just from being a human, we give what we get and law of reciprocity, they start to come along and join you on that journey.

But it takes someone going first and leading and then being consistent enough and patient enough for the other person to come along, notice it, identify it, and come along and also do it. And sometimes it requires a conversation. Mm-hmm. But at the same time, sometimes it doesn't. Mm-hmm. Sometimes it's, they just need to see it happening.

So it's chapter six. Next week, chapter seven. Just own your shit. See you next week. Bye for now.

If you want to turn your marriage into the engine that drives your business forward instead of the brakes keeping it stuck, book a free marriage and business strategy session with us at 200percentmarriage.com/strategycall. We'll see you next week.