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   📍Continuing on with the 200% marriage book. Today we've got chapter 11. MacKay, take it away.

Chapter 11. Do you like Star Wars?Trying to be someone else is a waste of the person You are. Kurt Cobain.Now that we know who we are.Now that we've identified exactly who we're becoming, it's time to actually love who we are.It's like our friend and Greg's fabulous wife, cayla Kimble saysYou can be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time,meaning you can work on becoming the best version of you while at the same time love the badass human you are today.If the last chapter was all about your work in progress ness,then this chapter is all about you being a freaking masterpiece, my friend.

This chapter is all about loving the badass human You are right this very moment. This chapter is all about your self-worth.I used to confuse self-confidence with self-worth, but they're different.Self-worth is what you believe about yourself on the inside. It's the foundation of everything you do, every decision you make, consciously and subconsciously, and here's the truth,you don't have to do anything to be worthy.

You are a living, breathing, human being, and that makes you worthy of everything you want in your life, especially an amazing marriage. Self-worth is an innate knowing that you are enough. That you are worthy just because you are you exactly as you are.Self-confidence, on the other hand, is believing you're capable in a specific situation.

It comes from competence and it is situation dependent. You can be confident in your ability to run a marathon,but not confident in your ability to give a TED talk.Confidence comes from keeping promises that you make to yourself, showing up, doing what you say you'll do. That builds faith in yourself that you will come through for you.

Since Craig and I both struggled with low self-worth, we started working on it together, and yes, we did all the cheesy things we'd heard about for years, but never actually tried.We thought that because we understood them in theory, like intellectually, that that was enough,but since we didn't actually do them, we never actually felt them, so they never worked.

Our friend Greg once said.You're not specialand he didn't mean that we weren't unique, extraordinary humans with our own special gifts for the world because we are and so are you. He meant you don't need special strategies just for you. The same shit that works for everyone else will work for you if you just frigging do it alreadyseemed fair.That's when we started trying all the cheesy self-worth stuff. We wrote, I am enough on the bathroom mirror. We set alarms on our phones to go off twice a day with the same message.We looked in the mirror each morning, smiled and said, I love you. I'm proud of you. And then we gave ourselves a high five.

We started speaking to ourselves kindly.It definitely felt silly,but we stayed consistent and something really wild happened.We started to feel different.We believed things would work out.We began to trust that we were worthy and capable of building the life we wanted.We began to actually like ourselves.

Language plays a huge role. Our brains are always trying to make us right,and we both used to say things to ourselves we never dream of saying to another person things like, I'm such a dummy.And even if you didn't consciously believe it, your brain tries to make you right. So we started holding each other accountable to only speak to ourselves kindly. One day I was in the kitchen frying fish and roasting vegetables,fish cooks fast.

My East Coast Canadian roots know this. Roasted veggies take much, much longer. Usually, you put the veggies in first and then cook the fish later. Well, I forgot. I already had the fish in the pan before the oven was even preheated.Whoops.Without even realizing it, I blurted out, oh, you're such an idiot Now the fish will be cold before the veggies are readyfrom the living room.

Craig's sang out: we don't talk to ourselves like that anymore.He was right.I wasn't an idiot. I forgot the vegetables. I made a mistake.I would never have told him he was an idiot if he did that. So why would I say it to myself?Changing the way you speak to yourself is essential.So is giving yourself grace.

When you're making significant changes in your mindset, your identity and your relationship, you're gonna slip.So will your teammatehave grace for them. Have grace for you.When you like yourself, when you feel confident and you believe you're worthy, it becomes so much easier to just be you.When you know and love yourself, being you is actually really fun,and as a bonus, being you is the only path to belonging.As humans, we have an innate evolutionary need for belonging.But the thing is, we're so desperate for it, and yet we also don't think we deserve it and don't think we're good enough, and we're so afraid of rejection that we end up rejecting ourselves first by trying to fit in,which is the exact opposite of belonging.

Here's how it usually works.You assess the group you wanna fit into. Your relationship counts as a group, by the way.Then you determine who you need to be in this situation to be accepted, and then you show up as that person.But any love or respect you receive while you're being that person, wearing that mask, playing that character won't land for the real you.

You won't feel the love or respect that's directed your way in that group because deep down you know that that love and respect were given to the character you were playing to fit in.It wasn't given to the real you,and fitting in only reinforces the belief that you are not good enough.Belonging is the opposite.

The only way to belong is to be yourself.It's literally the one and only requirement.When you're accepted and loved for who you are, you get to feel all that love and respect, and that reinforces that you're worthy of receiving it.So many people, settle for relationships in which they only show the version of themselves they think the other person wants them to be.

It's dangerously easy to fall into that trap.When Craig and I started dating, we were asking each other all those.Early dating, get to know each other questions. At one point he asked me, do you like Star Wars?Seems random. I guess there was probably a new Star Wars movie coming out or something.

Who knows why he asked, but the question made me pause. Based on my experience, most dudes seemed to dig Star Wars, and I liked this dude, and I wanted him to like me, so I struggled with how to answer. Do I say? Yeah, sure. Star Wars is cool and then pray we don't end up married watching Star Wars movies every Friday night for the rest of my life?

Or do I say Star Wars isn't really my thing and risk him not liking me and ending this relationship before it even really gets started.Even though my self-worth and self-confidence were low, something inside me held firm.Despite my history of fitting in instead of belonging, something inside me told me that if not liking Star Wars is a deal breaker for this guy, that he probably isn't the guy for me, even though it seemed like he could be at this point.

I didn't wanna start a relationship with this guy and a stupid little lie and end up hating Star Wars with a fiery passion because we watched it weekly for the next 60 years.I just said, no, not a big Star Wars fan,to which he shrugged and said, yeah, me neither. Anti-Climatic, right? He doesn't even remember the conversation because it was meaningless, because it was a meaningless question for him.

But for me, it was huge. For me. For the first time that I can remember, I decided to be me instead of who I thought the other person wanted me to be. And that vulnerable moment gave me the courage to keep showing up as me in this relationship. From that moment, I felt like I finally belonged. I was no longer just fitting in, which meant I could truly receive the respect, kindness, support, and love he offered. It's essential to love yourself. When you do, you show up as you, you receive all the love directed your way, and in turn you give all that love right back. So let's chitchat about some more ways to take your self-love to the next level.

And that's chapter 11. Chapter 11 in the books.

Self-worth versus self-confidence. Mm. That was a distinction I had never knew existed before. Yeah, me neither. And, but it, once I learned it, it made sense to me. Yeah. Self-worth is just the innate enough-ness that you already are. It's the masterpiece that you are just because you exist, you deserve the relationship of your dreams just because you're a living, breathing human.

That's all. That's all that's required. I just, I never made the connection that self, that, that being self-worth and that self-confidence being completely situational dependent. Yeah. And it's so true. Thinking back into school, if you put a basketball in my hands and put me in the gym, completely confident. Mm-hmm. You put me with a, a, an essay that I had to read or something at the front of the class, completely not confident.

Yeah. So you can be confident in one area of your life and not confident in another because it depends on the situation and how competent you are in the task at which you're trying to decide if you have any confidence. So it's competency based and situationally dependent. And that makes perfect sense to me.

Totally. And you build it through evidence, through keeping the promises you make to yourself through showing up, through repetition, through building the competence that you are capable of it. And through doing some of that cheesy shit. That's the self worth. Yeah. Yeah. Doing that cheesy shit that, uh.

It is weird. Yeah, it is weird. And that's why we never did it before. I remember, I remember we had the lipstick on the mirror. Yeah. We wrote, I am worthy on, I am enough. I am enough. That's what it was. And people coming visiting. Yeah. I remember my family, my mom, my sister coming over. I was like, should we erase the No mirror?

I, I had the thought though. Yeah. Should we take that down? It feels weird. And then we didn't like whatever, but I, I had the thought like, it's weird. Should we remove that? Yeah. Because we were trying to fit in. Yeah. Still it was still, it was like while were, while we were doing it. Yeah. We were still battling through the kind of Yeah.

Didn't feel confident in it. Didn't like it. It was a, it was different. And so yeah, still battling that worthiness as we're trying to build the worthiness. Still feeling like this is weird and what are people gonna think? And it's weird. It is uncomfortable, it's, it's weird, I guess. The first time we heard like literally stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eyes.

Tell yourself smile, smile, love yourself, all the things. I was like, I get it. It's like, intellectually it makes sense. She's being weird and stupid. Do I really need to? And it's like, who cares? Yeah. Nobody, like what's the worst that can happen and what's the best that can happen? Yeah. And, and if the, if the concern is, is what other people will think, guess what?

Nobody sees you in there. Yeah. You're all by yourself in there. Like, nobody cares. Yeah. Nobody cares, first of all. And even if they did, they don't see you. Right. But nobody cares. Yeah. So just do it. And, uh, so it took, it was an adjustment. It was weird. And like, you're like looking yourself in the, in the eye and telling yourself you love yourself while you're brushing your teeth or whatever.

And high fiving yourself, fist bumping, dancing, flexing, whatever it is that your thing is. a look inside my world. Um. Yeah, it, it is weird. It is weird and it's not easy for people. Like it's when you first start looking yourself in the eyeballs, in the mirror and smiling at yourself and saying, I love you. I'm proud of you. High five. It gets easier though. It's uncomfortable at first, but it does get easier. It gets easier though. Yeah. But it, but. Don't feel weird if it feels weird. Like it's super uncomfortable at first, and that's normal. And like we talk about in the book, as you're going through it and you stumble and you start to think about, oh yeah, but like, what if the guests see the mirror and all the things have grace for yourself?

Mm-hmm. Like we talked about in the book, have grace. This is a, it's, it's a difficult thing to do. And the fact that you're even listening to this and considering it and, and, and, you know, gradually doing some of these things. When you stumble, when you fall, it's inevitable it's gonna happen. Just have grace for yourself.

Mm-hmm. The thing I love about the mirror work though, is that it's doesn't take long, it takes like 10 seconds. Yeah. And like you, we all like, I don't know anyone who, when they wake up in the morning. Pretty much the first thing they do isn't pee. You gotta pee, go pee. Gotta pee. So then when you're washing your hands after that first pee of the day, just do it then. Like just build the habit of like you're already, you already are in the habit of gonna the bathroom first thing. Just add that to it and hopefully the habit of washing your hands is already ingrained in you. Hopefully, if it's not, then we can habit stack. Let's add that in. We can stack, we can start the habit of washing our hands and stack on a quick, I love you. Yeah. I love you enough to wash your hands. Um. Yeah. And then the, the belonging versus fitting in. The difference in that, and, and again, another thing that I really never understood the difference in, it was all about fitting in when I was a kid.

Mm-hmm. It was all about fitting in and then obviously, you know, what you learn as a kid and what you adopt becomes what you kind of continue those patterns through your, you know, into adult, into adulthood. Yeah. And so for me, I came from a military background. My dad was in the military. We moved around a ton.

I was always the kinda like the new kid and so you'd move to the new school or the new neighborhood. It was like, okay, who, who do I have to be in this group to fit in so that I'm not ostracized, that I have people, that I'm not the, you know, the, the loaner kid that has no friends or whatever.

What do I need to do to fit in here? Who I need to be? Yeah. And it's funny because I grew up also needing to fit in, but for the exact opposite reason. Mm. Because you moved around and you were the new kid everywhere you went. Yeah, but I, I had the exact same 20 ish kids in my class from grade one to six.

And, and like there were still kids from that class in grade 12. Like we, the schools got a little bit bigger, so there was more kids. But like, you didn't wanna be the weird kid in class. You, you were with the same cohort of kids through your, like the whole educational career. So if you didn't fit in in grade one, you were for 20 years.

Yeah. So like I, I felt a strong need to fit in Because you knew you were gonna be with these kids forever. Yeah. Growing up. Yeah. It's a small place. Like if you get a reputation of being the weird kid, well you're probably gonna be the weird kid for 20 years. Yeah. And it wasn't until, I think it was Brene Brown for me mm-hmm. That really, yeah. Made me understand the difference between fitting in and belonging and that it's the opposite. And yeah, and then it was like, it clicked. It was like, oh, and that's where we, we talked about it in the last episode from chapter 10, where if you are trying to fit in and you're be being, you've got a mask on and you're being this different version of you, this, that, that's not really you.

All the love that's coming from that group that you're trying to fit in with, or in that relationship that you're trying to fit in with doesn't land for you because it's landing on that, that version of you that you're playing. Mm-hmm. So it's, you just never really ever feel it. It's like it's. They're giving it, but you're not absorbing it because they're not giving it to you.

Yeah. They, the real you, they, they think they are. They think they're, but they're giving it to the version of you you're playing. Right. And so you never really ever feel it. And so there's always this misalignment. You don't feel the love. Yeah. Which is why admitting that I didn't like Star Wars.

Yeah. So. Why was that the point in time that you decided to plant your flag and say like, fuck it, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna be me and see where this goes. Like was it just a click moment for you as an individual? Personal growth? Was there something in our relationship or something that I had done that made you feel safer?

Like what was it that. That was the moment for you? It was definitely early in our relationship, like in the first weeks-ish of our relationship. I don't remember exactly, but like early on. Yeah. Also early in our relationship, we click quickly and easily and like.

Had a lot of the same thoughts, would basically finish each other's sentences very quickly. So like, I knew we thought similarly had similar values,and I don't, I, I think it was subconscious. I don't think I, I, I don't remember consciously thinking that like.I'm, I'm safer here. He understands me better. I don't, I don't have, I didn't have any conscious thought of that, but looking back, I know that we, we had a lot of the same thoughts and opinions and ideas and things like that early on, and so I think that played a part.

I think there was also, I was just getting to a point in my like 10 years of singleness that it's like. Fuck it. I am done trying to, with the bullshit to be, yeah, I'm done with the bullshit. I'm done trying to be like the cool girl, the low maintenance girl, like the one that like, like I'm just Likes everything.

Yeah. Just, just, I'm just done trying to, to everyone's thing. Yeah. I'm done trying to be who I think everyone else wants me to be. It's fucking exhausting and it hasn't worked to this point.Interesting, huh? Yeah. And so if, if this guy is gonna be done with me because I don't like Star Wars, well fuck him then.

I guess he's not the guy. I think he is, but not really.Yeah.So it was just like, I, maybe it was a little bit of an experiment, like what I've done to this point hasn't worked and this guy seems different. So isn't it interesting that younot being you.All that time didn't work out. And then the moment you decided to be yourself mm-hmm.

Voila.Totally. Works out. Yeah.I hope someone learns it faster than me.Took me a long time. Hey, I'm right there with you some, some of the lessons in this book took me a while too. here we are. Yeah,right on schedule.

Next week, chapter 12.Wanna Know what the title is? Chapter 12,stop should-ing on yourself. Stop Should-ing yourself. See you next week.