Listen Now

Episode Transcription

📍You've built the business. You are crushing it in your career. You've scaled your impact, but are you winning at home? Welcome to the 200% Marriage Podcast. We're Meredith and Craig, and we're here to help you kill that domestic drag and turn your partner into your most elite teammate from Russian taxi mishaps to hailstorms on the summit, we're sharing the raw and real stories and tactical drills you need to move outta roommate Bill and into your 200% life.

So grab your gear. It's time to build an unstoppable team. Let's dive in.

 Welcome back to another episode of the 200% Marriage Podcast. Meredith and Craig, if you're paying attention, we've been reading the 200% marriage, the winning your winning playbook to be an unstoppable team. We're in chapter 14. Mer is reading chapter 14, chapter 14. You're the thief and the loot.

Don't compare your behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel. Steven Verdict. What do happiness and the most successful bank heists have in common? Both are inside jobs. I used to think happiness was a destination I would reach once I had achieved all the things I was supposed to accomplish in my life.

Once I got the job, once I got the house, once I got the husband, then I would finally be happy. Tying your happiness to an external destination is a very dangerous game because you never really arrive at that external destination because once you get close or you do get there before you take a breath to acknowledge your arrival, suddenly it's the bigger house that's gonna make you happy or the bigger promotion or whatever that next shiny milestone is.

When you look for happiness outside of yourself, you will never find it. Happiness isn't something you find, it's something you create, and happiness can only be created inside of you. I hope you read that last part as wildly empowering because it means that you get to decide to be happy right now in this very moment.

It seems too good to be true, doesn't it? It's not, in fact, the only place where happiness actually exists is in this very moment. It's backed up by research. I won't cite the studies you already know why? Mostly because I'm lazy and I hate the look of footnotes On a page. go read The Happiness Advantage by Sean Agar once you finish reading this book. Of course. He'll give you all the research on happiness. He went to Harvard. He worked at Harvard, collaborated with Oprah, given one of the 25 most viewed Ted talks ever with more than 20 million views, he's been published in all the scientific journals and written bestselling books.

He studies happiness and he knows it inside and out In the happiness advantage, he shares four daily practices that don't take much time that are proven to make us happier. Number one, go for a brisk 15 minute walk. Since this is a relationship book, we highly recommend doing this with your teammate.

This is literally one of our worst kept secrets, mainly because we don't keep secrets, we're an open book. I'm on fire. We do our best thinking on walks. We feel most connected when we're walking. It's a life and relationship hack.

Step two, breathe. Yes, like actual breathing. Pick your favorite breathing exercise and do it for 90 seconds.

Box breathing, meaning inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four. Repeat or the five by five by five. Breathing, which is inhale for five, exhale for five, repeat five times, or the 4, 7, 8 breathing. Inhale for four, hold for seven. Exhale for eight. The breathing exercise itself doesn't matter. It's the intentional deep breathing that does. So now we're at 16.5 minutes total if you don't breathe intentionally while you're walking.

Number three, appreciate someone. Take 30 seconds and tell someone you appreciate them. The more specific, the appreciation, the better. Tell them in person, in a text with a sticky note, in an email, with a voice memo, even a quick video.

It doesn't matter how, just express it. And again, since this is a relationship book. We highly recommend expressing that appreciation to your teammate. So now we're at 17 minutes.

Number four, practice gratitude. Take 60 seconds, write down three things you're grateful for today. That's 18 minutes per day total to feel happier.

Don't you spend longer than that on bathroom breaks at work. Isn't it amazing that feeling happier is 100% within your control?

Let's zoom in on gratitude. I first heard about gratitude journals from Oprah like 20 years ago. I even started one, kept it for, oh, I don't know, five minutes. I wasn't much of a journaler then.

I didn't see the value in journaling or in gratitude. I do now though. I used to think that once I'm happy, then I'll be grateful, but I had it backwards. Gratitude comes first. if you're not thankful for all the fantastic things in your life today, especially if you live in the developed world with a roof over your head, food in your fridge, why would the universe deliver you anymore?

Think of it like giving a little kid a treat. If they're not grateful for what you just gave them, how inclined are you to give them anymore? So gratitude comes first, and it's not just us saying this. Brene Brown studies this stuff, and she says the same thing. Gratitude always comes first. Gratitude, invites more joy into your life.

But here's the catch. You knew there had to be one, right? It's not just an attitude of gratitude, it's a practice of gratitude. That means action. Don't just think about three things in your head. Write them down, say them out loud. Feel the feelings of gratitude while you say them or write them when you start to practice gratitude daily, you'll naturally be looking for things to be grateful for, and the more you look, the more you'll see. It doesn't change your life overnight, but it absolutely changes how you see your life. And that shift is where happiness grows. You start to feel content and fulfilled with what you already have, which in turn makes you happier. But if gratitude is the secret to happiness, then what's its kryptonite?

The answer: comparative reality. Comparative reality is when you compare what you have to what someone else has. And then you usually start shoulding all over yourself that you should have those things too.

And we know from chapter 12 what should does cue the shame spiral Comparative reality is rampant on social media these days. Intellectually we know we're only seeing someone's final product. The polished highlight reels, the fancy vacations, the perfect relationships, the angelic kids. Intellectually, we know that's not their day-to-day reality, but intellect flies up the window when we start doom scrolling and envying other people's lives.

We consciously or unconsciously compare our lives to theirs, and because we know all the behind the scenes mess and drama that unfolds in our lives and we never see it in theirs, we forget that it exists there too. Their kids can also be messy, little shitheads. They just don't post that part on Instagram.

Or we compare our chapter one to their chapter 33. It's okay to strive for what inspires you, but don't forget they started at zero too. They sucked in the beginning too. Always remember in the beginning, you're a beginner. It's okay to be a beginner. We all assume the role of beginner many, many times on our journey.

Allow yourself to be a beginner. Comparison is the thief of joy popular idiom because it's true. You can feel thrilled about your fantastic camping weekend in the woods. Until you start scrolling and see a colleague's three week Italian wine country tour. Suddenly your dollar store tent doesn't feel so great.

So how do we ditch the comparative reality? By running your own race? When Craig trained for his first marathon, he worked hard. Five runs a week, thoughtful nutrition, a precise race day plan, when to wake up, what to eat before, during, after, what pace to keep. He had his race fully prepped and mapped out.

Race day comes, gun goes off, adrenaline spikes. He takes off. His competitiveness kicks in, and for a minute he found himself trying to keep up with the other runners. Then he remembered his plan and he throttled back to his planned pace if he had kept pushing at someone else's pace, he would've been running their race.

He might have burned out and never finished. Instead, he stuck to his plan. He fueled when he planned, he hydrated when he planned, and he crossed the finish line of his first marathon when he planned and I got to hug him and cry all over him at the end. Win-win. The point is, turn off the comparison. Run your own fucking race.

Get off social media. I can already hear the groans. At least curate your feed so that the posts that often drag you down and suck your energy, don't show up. You don't have to unfollow anyone. Muting works really well if you wanna avoid the drama. Then turn on the gratitude and within days you're gonna feel lighter. Then add in the other three happiness practices, 18 minutes total, and you'll feel happier.

Don't we all wanna feel happier every day? Just like your happiness is your responsibility. It's your responsibility to work on your stuff. You know, your beliefs, your baggage, the shit you've accumulated through your life. We all bring baggage with us into our relationships. By working to unpack that baggage, you're both less likely to trip over those bags. When you take responsibility.

For lightening your baggage and focusing on your happiness, you bring that energy into your marriage, and that energy makes it much easier to do the work on the relationship, which is what we're about to do together right now. Craig will meet you in part four to kick off the commitment to the team and to your teammate.

That was chapter 14, happiness. it's amazing to think that as little as 18 minutes a day, if you consistently do four little things and one of them's 15 minutes, it's the majority of them. Like literally 75% of the things can be done in like three minutes. It's wild that a walk breathing, appreciation, energy, and gratitude will make you infinitely happier.

And like we don't talk about it because like studies and research and boring shit that I don't wanna deal with in a book. But there is research that shows that just getting out for a walk is more effective than some medicines that are prescribed for depression. Correct. And you've got a, a lesser rate of rec, ity.

Yeah. What's that word? Rec. Rec, recidivism. Recidivism, rec of it coming back. Correct. Walking is better for you than medication when it comes to depression and getting rid of it forever. Yeah, and big pharmas out here, chucking scripts to everybody for everything under the sun, and all we need to do is get under the sun out in nature.

Mm-hmm. And it, that doesn't even happen. If it can be in nature, all the better. But if you live in a city, it could be in a mall. Yeah. Just get, just get out walk. Just walk. Just get the, get some blood pumping. It is infinitely better though if you get in nature. For sure. Don't do it in a mall. Yeah. Malls are dead anyway.

Yeah, for sure. Spend no time in malls. Um, even before those four things, like backing up a step, it took me so long in my life, almost 40 years to learn that I get to decide if I'm happy. Like my happiness doesn't depend on the shit that's going on around me. Yeah. Whether I got the promotion.

Yeah. Whether someone is being nice to me was a dick at the store. Right. Like I always thought my happiness was conditional on the external environment in some way, shape or form. Yeah. Whether it was the person you're in a relationship with, whether it's your family, whether it's your friends, whether it's your work, whether it's your health, whether it's whatever.

Something in the external environment is what my happiness is conditional on. And if I'm having a shitty day because work sucks and someone's being mean and da da da, da, then how could I possibly be happy? Mm-hmm. It's wild when you think about it, like, and I'm with you 'cause I had the same experience, but it's wild when you think about it.

If you can just take a step back and think about it, it's like, okay, so some random chance, like when I go into work, my boss got up in the wrong side of the bed, their spouse was mad at them, whatever. And they're having a shit day. So because they're spouse got mad at them, I'm now having a shit day because they're having a shit day.

And I'm relying, I'm basing all of my. Happiness on how they're coming at me at work. Yeah. Which is based on how someone else, I don't even know came at them. Came at them. Yeah. Which is the reason they weren't happy is 'cause their boss at their work. So like literally someone on the other side of the world was a dick and now I'm unhappy about it.

Yeah. Just think about that for a second. Is it insane? It's wild. But I, that's, that's how I lived for 30 years. I know. Me too. I'm just saying it's stupid. It's funny 'cause I had a boss. Like many, many, many years ago who you knew when her and her husband were on the outs. She came in like okay, it's gonna be one of those days. Like you just knew, I wish I knew this then. Yeah. Yeah. You were miserable for days on end because some asshole that you didn't know you've never met was angry at her. Oh, you wanna go on vacation day early? Denied like, what? Really? Like that legit happened while my flight's leaving.

So peace out.

This was more of a letting you know situation and I'm asking for permission situation, just so you know, I will not be here in an hour. Yeah, totally. And it's wild to me that I used to believe, like firmly, like I said in the book, that once I finally get that corporate, like big job with the big paycheck, then I'll be happy. Once I finally meet the person, then I'll be happy. It's, it's funny because I had the same thought, but then it was the exact opposite corporate job with the big paycheck.

I actually was less happy. Totally because of the aforementioned, you know, it was because of me. In hindsight, right. But I was basing it off what other people and all, and the extenuating circumstances with the job. But yeah, once I have these things, then I'll be grateful for what I have in my life. Yeah.

Like I'll be grateful. Once I have the thing, I'll be grateful. Once I have that thing I'll be great. And it's like, w why, why would the universe see fit to give me anything else? Yeah. If I'm not grateful for what I already have. Like it, it kind of makes sense when you think of it, but I never thought about it like that before.

It's funny because that's a lesson that I remember my dad imparting on me when I was a kid. If you're not grateful for that, you're not getting anymore. Mm-hmm. You're not even grateful, so I'm not gonna give you more. It's like, huh? I didn't put, I didn't put You didn't put those together? No. I was like, you're my dad.

Just give it to me. Um, no I didn't. He tried. Yeah, he did. He did his best, gratitude comes before joy. Like there's a prerequisite order for things in life. Gratitude, then joy, not the other way around. Yeah. So that was once I'm more joyful. I'll be gra I'll be grateful for it. Yeah, no, no. But if you are grateful and it just, the fact that you're.

Being grateful is a different energy that the universe then just brings it. Like things just start happening for you and you because you start noticing them more because you are in that state of mind. Opportunities are always out there, but when you're in that, that energy state of that gratitude, you are just more inclined to see.

And I never believed this either. Like, I just never, like things are gonna happen. And it doesn't matter what I look for. It doesn't matter what I say. It doesn't matter what I think things are gonna happen. The way they're gonna happen and I have no control is, is for the longest time how, like, obviously how I lived, if I was letting my boss's husband's, bosses, wife's husband, like on the other side of the world, control my level of happiness, obviously I had no control over my life.

And so I never really believed that what I looked for would change anything. Mm-hmm. And then I can remember because I just didn't believe that I was not seeing the opportunity. Like to your point, the opportunities are all there. Things are out there, it's just do you see them or not? And I just never believed for a very long time that things were there that I didn't see, like talk about the ego driving.

But anyway. And then I remember in corporate, someone showing a video. And saying some, it's something like, um, there was people in like black and white shirts or something and count the amount of times the ball gets passed. I can't remember, but it was like I was so focused on the ball and I was counting the number of times the ball got passed and then the video ends and they say something to the effect of, did you see the gorilla?

And I was like, what the fuck are they talking about? And I rewound the video and sure enough a gorilla walks across the fucking middle of the screen, dances around, and then walks off. And I didn't see it 'cause I wasn't looking for it. I was counting the passes of the ball. Mm-hmm. And that's when I maybe started to understand that.

There's shit happening around the world around me that I don't see because I'm not looking for it. You're so focused on what you're focused on. Yeah. That you're missing all the other things. Yeah. So if you're, so, if you're focused on the negative right. You're seeing that and you're not seeing all the joy and all the good, all walk past and party and dance beside you.

Yeah. If you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always looking for that and being ready for it, it's always gonna drop. Mm-hmm. If you're looking for things to work out. Things are gonna work out. Maybe not immediately and exactly as you think they're going to, but if you always expect that it's going to work, you keep waiting for it and looking for it to work, it will eventually work because you're looking for it to do that.

Mm-hmm. And it's a wild concept, but it's true. If I can miss the fricking gorilla, I could miss anything. And it's just a way better way. To live. It's just more upbeat and positive and you have more energy. Yeah. Than, and so like the opposite. If you wanna play devil's advocate and say that we're both full of shit, right?

Like someone's listening and they're like, no one, no one would ever say that. They might. And so if someone thinks, thinks we're full of shit, that's fine. Cool. Maybe, maybe, maybe we are, I don't know. Doesn't, I don't, I don't think I am, but who knows? We have a different perspective and so let's say we're full of shit.

What's the harm in going through life looking for the good stuff? Mm-hmm. Like what? What's the downside? Yeah. If you, if you don't believe that what you look for, you get more of, that shit's gonna go sideways no matter what. Then it's, if it's gonna go sideways, no matter what, it's gonna go sideways, no matter what.

If you're looking for the good, you never know. You might find it. Yeah. The only argument you could have is that I would be right. Yeah. So you can be right and be happy, or you can be right and not be happy. Totally agree. So that's, that's my thoughts. That's where you're at. Okay. Yep. Uh, we also talked about comparative reality, and it being the kryptonite to happiness. It's so true because. You know, to, to your point in the book when you're going on vacation camping because you love camping and then you get on Instagram or whatever, and you see your friend who's like in a three week wine tour in the mm-hmm.

In, in Italy. And you're like, oh, well I don't wanna go camping. I want, I wanna do that. Yeah. And so now you're bummed about you're camping trip that you were so pumped about five minutes ago before you logged onto Instagram. Yeah. And so it's interesting. I never been a fan of social media. I've, I only got it once we got into entrepreneur IT and whatever, for reasons we need it.

And uh, but I do notice that. When I do go on there and take a look around, sometimes I am like, oh, that's a cool, like, ugh. Like it makes me, I have to, I have to consciously get away from the feeling of, oh, that's really cool. I like, man, I'm not, I'm not at a place where I can do that yet. And, and I'm like, Ugh.

I gotta put it away. I gotta put it away. It's what we say in the book that I intellectually know that what I'm seeing on someone's social media feed is a curated version of their life. For sure. You know that like in my brain, but I also know that my life is, you know, crazy and stressful and drama and like all the things are happening in life.

My, my. The house needs to be cleaned. And like there, I know all the things that are happening behind the scenes in my life. And intellectually I can assume they're happening behind the scenes in that other person's life too. But I never see it. And so emotionally, when I'm scrolling, doom scrolling Instagram, like my thumbs are just going, you forget that intellectual piece and your emotions take over and you, you just, it's human nature to fall into the comparative reality trap of my life doesn't look like this.

They have all these things. Their kids look so well behaved. Oh my God. That their husband and their, like, they go on trips all the time. Just the two of them, they look so happy. And those kids are twerps too. Their house is so big and their car is so nice and you don't know how much debt they're in. You don't know what's going on behind the scenes in that relationship.

They could be on the brink of divorce. Yeah. Like it's, you don't know. You just don't know. And we make assumptions about other people's lives based on what they put on their social media feed. And it's just, and to combat it, it's to your point. In, in the chapter, run your own race. Mm-hmm. Just focus on you.

What are you building? What are you going, what are you, are you better than you were yesterday? Yeah. Are you, are you taking steps toward whatever it is you want in your life? Because when you run someone else's race, you, you're one, you're probably not gonna finish.

Mm-hmm. Because you haven't trained for, didn't train for that. You didn't train for that. But two, you're also not gonna be thrilled with the result. Even if you do finish, you're not gonna be thrilled with the result because it wasn't your race, it wasn't what you ultimately wanted. Mm-hmm. You're gonna go chase the things that you see on Instagram and you're gonna find out like, oh, it's, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

I didn't realize it was gonna be this. Yeah. I'm gonna have to do this to get to that. Oh, I nevermind. I don't want that. Yeah, and I remember that, like we talked about your first marathon in there for a minute, but. That same day I ran my first half marathon and I remember like the gun going off and it's so exciting and the, there's a dr a rush of energy.

Oh man. The emotions are high. Yeah. And, and especially on that particular route, like right, right off the bat almost, you're running by the water on the boardwalk and it's, the sun is coming up and it's beautiful and you're hyped about it and you can't believe you're doing it. And it's all, there's people all around you.

Yeah. And you can feel their energy too. And it's just like this really powerful. Feeling. Yeah. And I remember taking off and my watch, which I'd gotten like the day before, so I did not know how to use, and it was set for something else, not for my half marathon. I didn't know how to turn it on, but it kept telling me like, you're going too fast, you're going too fast, you're going too fast at the beginning.

And I was like, fuck my watch. Probably knows, uh, even though I didn't set it, even though I didn't have it. Like I, it has to know something. It has to know something. So I'm like, okay, slow down. So I, I kept consciously trying to slow myself down at the beginning. 'cause I, I felt myself wanting to go fast and to be clear, when I started that half marathon, I had no idea whether I remember you asking me, what's your plan?

And I'm like. I don't know if I can run the whole thing because I hadn't been training for it, so I don't know if I'll be able to do it. I'm gonna do my best, see how it goes. And so I felt like my watch was telling me to slow down. I was running fast off the hop because I was feeling the energy. I was trying to keep up all the other runners. I slowed down when my watch told me, you're running too fast 'cause this is not your running pace.

So I slowed myself down and then I remember thinking, all these people are passing me left, right, and center. It felt like hours, which it obviously wasn't minutes, but it felt like a long time that just like waves of people were running past me and I was like, I feel like if I turn around I'm going to be the last runner in this race.

I remember having that thought and I, the next, very next thought I have was, but I don't care what's the point in turning around to confirm whether that's true or not, because I don't, I literally don't know if I'll be able to finish this race or not. So it's not about how fast I can do it. It's about whether I can do it.

I don't have a time that I wanna make for the, I don't like that. That's not my plan. My plan is to do my best and go as far as I can. And so if I turn around and make myself feel bad, when I see there's nobody behind me that does not serve me finishing this race. Yeah. And so I never did turn around.

Mm-hmm. Even though I know now, like I was not the last person, not even not by Country Mile, the last person. Mm-hmm. But I refuse to turn around and confirm either way, because it didn't matter. The race to me was just completing it, not being the fastest, not being, I didn't like not completing it in two hours.

That was next year. The next year I did have, now that I know I can do it now, I've got a different goal. But that year, the goal was to finish and so it was tempting to run other people's races and then confirm whether or not I was the worst one in that race or not. And then it just that I'm grateful I had the thought that this doesn't serve me.

Why would I turn around and make myself feel worse? Or make myself feel like to what end? Mm-hmm. Like just run your own race. Mm-hmm. It was very clear to me in that moment, thankfully. And then I did finish it, so, yay. Good job okay, thanks. So run your own race. I think that's a good message to leave on.

This life is yours, this life. You have got one shot at this. You might as well do it the way you want. It's your life. Live it however you wanna. We will leave that lyric right there. So run your own race and we will see you next week for chapter 15. Bye.

If today's episode gave you a new lens for your relationship, don't let it stop here. The best teams never stop training on Thursdays. We drop the Unstoppable Team Newsletter on LinkedIn. It's our high performance briefing. Designed to give you one tactical drill. You can run with your teammate over the weekend.

So just search Meredith and Craig on LinkedIn or click the link in the show notes to subscribe. Get the briefing, kill the domestic drag, and we will see you next Tuesday.