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📍    📍 Welcome back to another episode of the 200% Marriage podcast with Meredith and Craig. We have been reading our book, The 200% Marriage: Your Winning Playbook to Be an Unstoppable Team. We've each been reading the chapters that we wrote, and so this chapter, 23, happens to be written by

Me,

MacKay.

So I'm gonna kick it off.

Chapter 23: Marriage Math and the Holy Trinity of Connection. "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love," Albert Einstein. Mer here. I'm gonna take over for the next few chapters. Let's start with a little chitchat about connection. The number one reason people reach out to us for help in their marriage is that they feel disconnected. Number one, and it's not even close. Disconnection, feeling like roommates, walking on eggshells, feeling like you don't know each other anymore, those are all symptoms of a lost connection.

Connection is the foundation for intimacy, which we'll get into in the next chapter. For now, let's get you reconnected. For this chapter, we're leaning on the gold standard for relationship research, Doctors John and Julie Gottman and the Gottman Institute. They've been studying relationships for decades, and they've uncovered some powerful truths that we're gonna share with you.

Consider this the closest thing to a bibliography or reference you're gonna get. But first, let's start with our favorite way to connect: check-in questions. Now, this might seem too easy, so easy that it couldn't possibly work, but it does.

The thing about something being easy to do is that it's just as easy not to do. That's why you have to be intentional about it. A check-in question is a super specific question you ask your teammate about their day. "How was your day?" is not an effective check-in question. It's too vague. A better check-in question would be, "What was your favorite part of your day?"

Or, "What made you laugh today?" Or, "What are you most looking forward to tomorrow?" That last one works especially well in the evening, which happens to be my favorite time of day for check-in questions. But you can ask them any time of day. Bedtime just seems to have this intimate, share-y vibe to it. We do check-in questions before bed.

After our nightly routine, we crawl in, face each other, and catch up on the day. For some reason, being in bed with the lights off just makes it a little easier to open up and be vulnerable. That's our sweet spot for connection. And yes, for the record, we spend most, some estimates put it as high as 90%, of our working day within high-fiving distance of each other. You might think we'd have nothing left to catch up on. Not true. As we've already talked about, Chapter 10 if you need a refresher, we each view the world through our own lens, shaped by our past experiences and our stories.

Even when we're interviewed on the same podcast episode together, we experience it differently. We often walk away with different takeaways, different favorite moments, different lessons. So yes, we actually do have plenty to catch up on at the end of our day. It gives us more insight into each other. We get to really know each other and connect on a whole new level with every check-in question.

Here's why specific, over general, check-in questions work so well. First, they make you pause and reflect before answering. A vague, "How was your day?" usually gets a mindless, "Fine." That mindless, "Fine," usually just means feelings inside, not expressed. But a specific question is a more thoughtful question, which calls for a thoughtful answer.

And second, when you pause to think before giving a reflective response, it signals to your brain that your teammate actually cares about your world and wants to be a part of it. You feel seen and heard and appreciated. From there, a more meaningful conversation naturally flows. Here are some of our favorite check-in questions for you to try on and see which ones feel right for you. What was the most challenging part of your day?

Follow-up: How'd you handle it? What made you laugh or smile today? What was the most interesting conversation you had today? Follow-up: What did you learn from it? Did you get any good news or positive feedback today? What accomplishment are you most proud of today, no matter how small? Did anything surprise you today? Follow-up: How did you react? Did you try anything new or step outside your comfort zone? How'd it go? What energized or motivated you most today? Was there a moment when you felt especially appreciated or valued? Did you have any breakthroughs or aha moments? What sparked them? What did you do for self-care today, even if it was just for a few minutes?

How did you help or support someone else today? How did it feel? What was the best article, podcast, or book you came across today?

The 200% Marriage: Your Winning Playbook to Be an Unstoppable Team.

What was your hardest interaction today? Follow-up: How did you navigate it? We've got a whole free guide with more of these check-in questions.

You can access it in the resources section at the back of the book. Remember, easy to do also means easy not to do. Pick a time of day when you're both present and engaged, and ask away.

Another powerful way to connect is through what we call sweat equity. You've probably heard of building sweat equity in real estate or startups.

It means creating value through effort and unpaid work. In relationships, it's similar. Working out together and sweating together build value, AKA connection, in your partnership. Exercising together is a great strategy to feel more connected to each other, and it's not just our opinion. It's based on fact.

Science says so. And despite what the bullies in high school say, science is cool. You already know we've built this coach/team relationship with you on trust, So you're not gonna find any sources cited. You can either take our word for it, or you can Google it to your heart's content and realize that we're not messing with you.

Working out together builds teamwork, emotional intimacy, and physical attraction. Research shows that couples who exercise together communicate better, feel more supported, and are more likely to stay together long-term. Sounds like a win to me. You know who wins a lot? Unstoppable teams. When your physiology syncs up, your heart rates increase, your breathing in rhythm, your bodies are moving in sync, it actually increases feelings of closeness.

Then add to that the feel-good endorphins, boosting mood and attraction, plus adrenaline, mimicking that rush of falling in love, and you've got a pretty spectacular recipe for connection. By the way, does that physiological response sound vaguely familiar to any other physical activity you might dabble in as teammates?

Hint, I'm talking about sex. Exercising together mimics the physiological response to sex. Don't worry, we'll talk about sex. We've got a whole chapter on it. Stay patient. This part of the book is about other types of exercise. You get bonus points if you actually physically touch each other during the workout, because that adds oxytocin, the bonding chemical.

So throw in a fist bump, a bum tap, high five, a muscle squeeze when you're nearby. Together, endorphins, adrenaline, and oxytocin form a connection cocktail for your relationship that will henceforth be known as the Holy Trinity of Connection. Lastly, when you commit to sweating together, you're also holding each other accountable to the commitments you've made together.

That builds trust. Double bonus. Craig and I work out together all the time. Sometimes that means running together, and by together, I mean at the same time in the same general area, so we can high five, fist bump, or bum tap each other on the way by. We're not usually side by side the entire time. He definitely runs faster than I do.

Other times, it means lifting together, either in the garage or at the gym, and encouraging and spotting each other. Sometimes we even throw in a hot yoga class together and really get the sweat going. Neither of us is what you'd call flexible, so it usually ends in laughter, which is another connection booster.

As you can now see, the benefits really are endless. The next way to build connection comes straight from the Gottmans' research: bids for connection. A bid for connection is any action, verbal or non-verbal, that asks for engagement or participation in this with me. Sometimes it's subtle, like when I say, "Hmm," when I'm reading, hoping Craig will ask me what I'm finding so interesting.

Sometimes it's making eye contact or it's a nod. Sometimes it's more explicit, asking a question, requesting help, initiating a hug, smiling, or another favorite of mine, winking. Anything that says, "I'm here, and I want you to be here with me." When your teammate makes a bid happen, you have three choices with three very different outcomes.

One, you can turn toward. You can respond positively. "What's so interesting? Whatcha reading?" Or smile, make eye contact, nod. These little moments say, "I see you. You matter."

Or you could turn away, ignore it, act like you didn't notice. That feels like rejection. Enough ignored bids leave one teammate feeling unseen, unheard, unappreciated, and unimportant.

Gottman research shows that happy couples turn toward bids 85% of the time or more. Divorcing couples, around 33%. So even healthy couples miss about 15%, but the vast majority of those bids are answered positively.

The third option is to turn against. Actively reject it. Eye-rolling, snapping. "Why are you bothering me? That's stupid." Walking away mid-sentence. Turning against is like dropping an emotional bomb. This is more than just not responding. It's disrespect. It destroys safety, trust, intimacy, connection. Basically every critical pillar in your relationship. This connects directly to what the Gottmans call the Four Horsemen.

The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse. If a relationship has any of these four toxic behaviors present, there is a very high likelihood that the relationship will break down.

Horseman number one: criticism. Turning mistakes into character flaws. We all make mistakes. We all do things that annoy our teammates.

It's part of the human experience. Like when Craig leaves his little ginger beard whiskers around the sink, and they just seem to proliferate everywhere. Or how every time I leave the house, I close the door so hard the house shakes as if the tectonic plates have shifted. But when we turn those behaviors into character assassinations, we've crossed the line from constructive feedback into attacking criticism.

Instead of, "Can you clean those whiskers out of the sink?" It becomes, "You're a messy, ginger-bearded dirty bastard. You never help. You're so lazy." See the difference? The first is feedback, addressing a specific behavior. The second is an attack on his character. Feedback is specific and focused on behavior, while criticism is broad, generic, and focused on them as a person.

Criticism leaves the other person feeling attacked and defensive. And as we've talked about in the previous chapter, that's not a great position for conflict resolution. Criticism tends to make the person receiving it feel emotionally unsafe in the relationship, which leads to decreased vulnerability, intimacy, and connection, and leaves them feeling not good enough, which, as we talked about in Chapter 11, can be destructive to a relationship.

Criticism usually comes from frustration when one teammate's needs aren't being met, or from growing up in a household where criticism was modeled. If you're feeling frustrated or overwhelmed because your needs aren't met, asking for help can feel hard. It can feel a lot easier to pass judgment, and throw blame around than to take responsibility and ask for what you need.

And by easier, I mean easier in the short term, because it avoids an uncomfortable conversation, but you're making the long term much harder. Suppose your teammate is feeling criticized because you're throwing blame around instead of having an uncomfortable conversation about what you need. In that case, I can promise you that everything in your marriage will be harder in the long term.

If they're always on the defensive, feeling attacked, resentful, not good enough, and not feeling emotionally safe, they won't open up to you. Criticism is a strong predictor of relationship dissatisfaction. And when one person isn't happy in a relationship, it's not a happy relationship.

So how do we stop criticizing? Own your needs. Have the uncomfortable conversation. Use I statements, be specific, and practice gratitude. You get more of what you focus on. Gratitude breeds gratitude. Criticism breeds more criticism and disconnection and resentment.

Horseman number two: contempt. Contempt is like criticism, but with an air of superiority. Sarcasm, sneers, eye rolls. It's anything that makes someone feel less than, belittled, unworthy, or disrespected. Contempt is the most toxic of all the horsemen and the most predictive of divorce. Contempt usually bubbles up from long-term resentment or simmering unresolved conflicts. It comes out as frustration when someone feels unheard or unvalued over time.

Like criticism, contempt destroys emotional safety and trust, and it also erodes respect. It leads to emotional disconnection, resentment, and often deep pain for the teammate receiving the contempt. So what's the antidote? Appreciation. Focus on their strengths.

Express gratitude regularly. Look for and tell them things you admire about them.

Horseman number three: defensiveness. Defensiveness is a typical response when we feel attacked or blamed. Defensiveness happens when you dodge responsibility through blame, excuses, or playing the victim. You know, basically everything that is the opposite of having a 200% marriage mindset.

It escalates conflict and fuels resentment. Defensiveness shuts down communication, making it harder to resolve conflicts. Here are some examples of defensiveness. Blame-shifting. It sounds like, "Well, you didn't remind me," or, "Why didn't you wake me up on time?"

Making excuses, which sound like, "I was too busy. What was I supposed to do?"

Playing the victim sounds like, "Why is it always my fault?"

Defensiveness can come from fear, insecurity, or feelings of unworthiness. I used to tie my self-worth to my performance and my results, so defensiveness is something I've had to battle for years. Admitting fault is hard for perfectionists who believe they have value only when they perform flawlessly.

That was me. Hated being wrong. I still do, but I'm working through it. The antidote to defensiveness is precisely what we talked about way back in part two of this book.

Take 100% responsibility for your part first. Ask yourself, "What could I have done differently?" It starts with actually listening to your teammate's perspective without interrupting, taking a breath to collect your own thoughts, and then responding with ownership.

Horseman number four: stonewalling.

Stonewalling is shutting down or walking away from a hard conversation. To be clear, it's not a timing issue. Stonewalling is avoiding the conversation even at the perfect time. It creates a massive disconnection, fast. This one hits hard for me, too. I have people in my life who are active stonewallers. My relationship with them is not what it could be because of it, and that hurts.

It's like a metaphorical, or sometimes physical, door slamming on a conversation. Stonewalling sounds like, "We're not having this conversation," or, "I'm not talking about this." It also sounds like the silent treatment, and looks like avoiding eye contact, pretending to be busy, or just physically leaving the room without explanation.

It's incredibly frustrating to be on the receiving end of stonewalling. You're willing to have an important and likely pretty difficult conversation in the name of your relationship so you can resolve and reconnect, but they're shutting you down and refusing to engage. Stonewalling usually happens when one person is emotionally flooded.

They've reached their limit for emotional processing, so their fight or flight nervous system response takes over. Because they can't handle the discomfort, they get overwhelmed, and they shut down. Stonewalling creates emotional disconnection and distance between you in a hurry.

It quickly leads to resentment that will turn into contempt, and we all already know where contempt goes when it's left unchecked. The antidote for stonewalling, if you're the stonewaller, practice self-care. Ask for a break when you need one. Don't just bail on the conversation. Calm yourself and then come back.

Say, "I'm overwhelmed. Can we pause for 20 minutes and then pick this up when I've had a chance to regulate?" The trick to the pause, though, is to actually come back and finish the conversation. Otherwise, you'll destroy the trust. If you're on the receiving end of stonewalling, lead with empathy. If they could do better, they would.

If they could have this conversation without shutting down, they would. Understand that they are overwhelmed, not evil. Suggest breaks if you sense their overwhelm building. Set up the conversation in advance if possible to give them a chance to prepare to reduce stress and to avoid the surprise and overwhelm.

The four horsemen are poison for your relationship. They're the most significant predictor of relationship dissatisfaction and divorce. If you recognize one or more of them in your relationship, it's critical to weed them out immediately. Like all problems, they don't just disappear if you choose to ignore them.

They will not improve magically without addressing them. If you're serious about making your relationship the best it can be, you have to do the work now to eradicate them. You didn't come this far to only come this far. You've got this. And if you need some love and support, we've got you.

Reach out to us anytime at the 200percentmarriage.com/contactus. Let's wrap this chapter with the magic marriage ratio, another gem from, you guessed it, the Gottmans. Think of your relationship like a love account. Every positive interaction where you feel seen, heard, valued, and loved is a deposit into your love account.

When Craig taps my bum on the way up the stairs, or reaches over and grabs my hand, or tells me how capable he thinks I am of doing whatever it is I'm trying to do, or brings me a cup of tea when he notices my cup is empty, or reaches over in the morning and pulls me in for a cuddle before we get out of bed, or asks for a hug in the middle of the day, or takes me on a surprise date to a pizza place on a cliff overlooking the ocean, or makes the bed, or folds the laundry, or kisses me before he leaves the house, or wishes me good morning, or leaves me a note in the bathroom mirror fog, or tells me how proud he is of me, and any one of another million things that make me feel seen, heard, appreciated, and loved, he's making deposits into my love account.

On the flip side, every ignored bid for connection, every critical comment, every missed opportunity for touch, every withdrawal of affection is, well, a withdrawal from my love account. Here's where it gets tricky. Withdrawals carry more weight than deposits. Just like negative reviews hit harder than positive ones, negative interactions cut deeper than positive ones.

When you have a bad experience with a business, you're much more likely to tell someone else about it than if you have an experience with the business that meets your expectations or even exceeds your expectations. Humans are wired to focus on the negative. It comes from evolution and survival. It's not a good or a bad thing, it just is.

And since we know this, we have to outweigh the withdrawals with more deposits. So that's where the magic marriage ratio comes in. According to the Gottmans, it takes five positive interactions to balance out one negative. Five deposits into the love account for every withdrawal. When my love account is full, I'm more patient, I'm more gracious, I'm quicker to give Craig the benefit of the doubt, and slower to react emotionally.

When it's empty, I'm more likely to snap, to doubt, or to feel insecure. In the beginning, it can help to track your deposits and withdrawals. It's not sexy. It's not romantic. It's math.

It's magical marriage math that will transform how you both feel. Because at its core, that's what this book is about: making each other feel seen, heard, valued, important, and loved. When you feel like the most important person in the world to your teammate, it changes everything. You show up differently, with more grace, more courage, and more love.

You feel deeply connected. You build an unstoppable relationship. You become an unstoppable team

Chapter 23 Chapter 23 ... in the book. Oh, pun intended. This is, um, one of the most tactical and, uh, I would say research-backed chapters. They're all res- like, I'm not saying that we focus heavily on the research, the Gottmans in particular. Mm-hmm. Everything we say, scientifically proven. It's ju- it just is. But this chapter in particular, you'll find no sources.

You can look in the back of the book, uh, if you get a physical copy. Literally, the bibliography is there. It's blank. It's- ... technically blank- ... from a research, like where what you would actually think you're going to see there, but there is actually some little Easter egg, little funny little thing there for you.

If you do get the book, you'll see it. Um, but this is one of those chapters where we actually do hit on some very specific tactics. Mm-hmm. Like the check-in questions- Mm ... the sweat equity- Mm-hmm ... the holy trinity of connection, all the, the endorphins, adrenaline, oxytocin, the hormones, uh, bids for connection, four horsemen, love account.

Like, we hit it like, boom. Mm-hmm. Big chapter, a lot of stuff. Oh, big time. It's... The first thing that jumps out at me, actually, it makes me laugh because the example we use for the bids for connection in the book was when I, when I read something and I go, "Hmm." Yeah. You didn't even know you did it. I didn't even know I did it- Oh my God, you do it-

but you pointed it out ... you do it all the time. Like, l- like, um, a couple times a day. It's like, it's fascinating. You'll be like- Huh ... "Huh. Yeah, well, interesting. What's that, dear?" "Oh, I'm just reading this thing. It's," da, da, da, da, and then you j- carry on. Yeah. Yeah. It's... And we all do it. Yeah, I just had no idea.

Yeah. I'm glad you noticed. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah. It, it... And they come in all shapes and sizes- Mm-hmm ... and, and different things. Like, someone might walk by. T- like I'm, my bid for connection, I'm always tapping that bum. Mm-hmm. Always That is true. Always. Walk by the kitchen, tap, tap. It, it is what it is. Um, could be a...

Like we talk about in the book. Could be a wink, could be a, uh, some eye contact. Literally, like verbal, non-verbal, anything at all that is like, "Hey, I'm here. Are you here with me?" Yeah. Like, literally just, just wanna make sure that you're right here with me. And what ha- happens too often is those get ignored.

Yeah. Well- Is we don't understand the intention that... Like, we don't get intentional about looking for them, and seeing them, and actually responding in a way that will make the other person who's r- reaching out the bid for connection, make them feel seen, heard, valued, loved, and respected. And I, I don't, I don't think it's with any negative intent or any malice.

It's like you get so caught up, and you're doing your own thing, and you- It's called your life of blinders, huh? You got your... Like, your to-do list is never-ending, and, like, you're trying to get through all the things you're trying to get through, and feel productive, and do your thing, and- And you're in the middle of something- Move the ball

and you hear your person say, "Oh, it's interesting." And you're like- Like, "Yeah, sure it is. I'm in the middle of something." ... "I'm, yeah, I'm, I'm in the middle of something interesting too." Mm-hmm. And, and it just goes, and it... And that is a, yeah- Lost bid for connection ... yeah, turned away. Mm-hmm. And, like, that's gonna happen.

Like, like the research says, even, like, the, the, the greatest couples studied by the Gottmans are missing 15% of them. Like, no one's gonna hit every bid every time, 'cause, you know, w- we're all doing our thing, and some of them just slide under the radar. But being intentional about looking for them.

And it's why the ratio exists, the magic m- math ratio.

Like, if you turn away, it's, it's a misbid, but, you know, what's g-

But if you turn toward the last five-

Yeah, you, you- ...

it's not the end of the world.

Exactly. '

Cause you built a buffer. Mm-hmm. Like, you don't wanna be in overdraft in your love account. You never wanna be in overdraft. You always want that little bit of buffer, 'cause when the buffer is gone, that's generally when the patience is gone, the grace is gone.

Like-

Resentment starts, scorekeeping.

Yeah. The buffer is what keeps things running real smooth.

Yeah. And, and literally we just had this conversation with someone, is, you know, they're, they're, they're missing on the connection, and the, the resentment is building. Mm-hmm. The scorekeeping has gone up. Mm-hmm.

The benefit of the doubt has gone down, and it's because the deposits haven't been there. The bids for connection have been-

Ignored ...

ignored, turned away or turned against- Mm ... versus turned toward. And i- i- it's getting back to the, in the black in that love account.

Mm-hmm.

And then when you do that, benefit of the doubt rises, resentment drops, scorekeeping drops.

'Cause I, I think, you know, going back to the benefit of the doubt chapter, I think we sometimes forget how hard that can be. Like, it's a simple concept in theory, but it requires you to have some level of buffer in your love account to be able to lean on curiosity and empathy, to be able to give the benefit of the doubt.

And when you're in overdraft in that account, you don't have anything to pull from. Like, there's no backup energy source to drive that curiosity and empathy and, um, k- keep that connection strong.

Mm-hmm.

The other thing I like about, and it's not specific to this chapter, but we bring it up in this chapter, is we talk about things that are easy to do as also really easy not to do.

And it's a concept I've never really heard of until a few years ago, but I, I love it because that's usually the problem. When something's really easy to do, it's also really easy to not do, and you have to be really paying attention in order to do it. It's simple. It's easy. It doesn't take any time. It just

requires a little discipline.

It just requires a little discipline, which is not always in high d- in, in, in high supply. It's not always easy for people when there's a lot going on. But it just, it requires a little bit of intention 'cause it's easy to do, but don't let easy fool you, 'cause it's also easy not to do.

You take for granted sometimes, "Oh, that's easy, I'll get to it" or- Mm-hmm

you know, you, you slough it off as, yeah. S- sometimes easy seems like less important.

Yeah.

And it doesn't get done, and eventually, before you know it, a pile of resentment has, has introduced itself into your relationship- Mm-hmm ... and you're wondering why.

Well, it's, it reminds me of when we did 75 Hard, and you have all the things you need to do, like two workouts- Mm-hmm

drink a gallon of water. Mm-hmm. Follow the diet you set out. No alcohol. Like, it's, it's intense.

Yeah.

The, I think, by far easiest daily activity you have to do with that- Yeah ... is take a picture.

Yes.

Take one picture of you. And

it's, it's the one most people fail.

It's the one most people fail on. Yes. 'Cause it's easy to do, easy not to do.

If you don't build it a routine around it-

Easy to forget- Yeah ... and not get to it.

Yeah. "

I read. I did the two workouts. I drank the water. I f- I, uh, I-

No alcohol ... u-

up held my diet."

Yeah. "

And I failed because I didn't take a picture of myself." Brutal.

Right?

Brutal.

Very. Easy to do, easy not to do.

Yeah.

Uh, underrated part of this chapter, I think, is the sweat equity.

Yeah.. It's- Literally, if you could just go work out and get around each other while feeling good, oxytocin high, endorphins high, adrenaline high, a little physical touch here and there, just that alone will increase the levels of connection and happiness in your relationship.

Mm-hmm. It's, it's a super underrated part of s- strategy, I guess, in your relationship that often gets overlooked. And y- you said it in the book. If you think about it, what does it mimic? All of the, the heavy breathing, the touching, the-

Mm-hmm ...

the- Oh, yeah ... increased hormones.

Just like sexy time.

Right. It's liter- like, you're literally mimicking that- The

physiological response to sex.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which, uh, you- we all

know- drive connection ...

which we all know brings us closer. We can literally have the sexy time. Go for it. Do it.

Big- We'll talk more about that later ...

big proponent.

Yeah.

But also, you can have it, that feeling in the gym, not the actual... Don't, don't go to the gym and have sexy time.

That's not what I'm saying.

Please don't.

Please don't do that.

Awkward.

But all the other things, and mimic it.

Mm-hmm.

It's a game changer.

And chances are you're probably getting a workout in most days anyway. It's just a matter of trying to find that time to do it. Not find the time, create the time to do it together.

'Cause you're probably both trying to get that done. Now, try to both get it done at the same time so that you're around each other when you're doing it.

Mm-hmm.

And like, like I said in the book, we, we usually go for a run at the same time in the same general area. We don't run stride for side, side by side every moment.

No, not very often. Sometimes, but not very often.

Very, very seldomly.

Yeah.

So you'll pass me, I'll pass you at some point on a loop somewhere and, like, high five, fist bump, bum tap, like-

Yeah ...

and it's kind of ex- I think, I don't know, it's fun when I see you coming. Like, it's, I don't know, it's... Even though we're not running side by side, we still get, I still feel like I get the experience of- Sweat equity, the connection

Yeah And then I guess one other thing that, you know, focusing on when we don't have the sweat equity, when we don't connect, basically, we don't have the, the, the endorphins, adrenaline, oxytocin- The love accounts in the overdraft

the love accounts low, all the things. The four horsemen.

Yeah. The four horsemen, man.

But i- if you find yourself in a relationship where there's criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, big sign right there. W- we gotta, we gotta- Giant

red

flag ... we gotta deal with that immediately, and it, it's toxic. We gotta cut that out.

So those, if, if you have signs of those, just know that as the Gottmans have found in their research, those are h- high, high predictors of relationship dissatisfaction, and ultimately divorce.

Mm-hmm.

Especially contempt, but all of them.

Mm-hmm.

All of them. And so if you are in a relationship where there's a lot of criticism, there's, you know, that criticism with an air of superiority, which is contempt.

If there's, uh, defensiveness and stonewalling, if you're not, you know, trying to get issues resolved, and one person just will not engage, those are very toxic. We need to eliminate those.

Yeah. And they're common. Like, for me, they feel common.

Th- they are.

Doesn't make them less problematic. They- They are very problematic.

But, but successful relationships weed them out early. They King- they kill King Kong when he's a baby.

Correct. And I think, like, depending on how you grew up, they're very common and a little harder to see, 'cause they're just, they've been normalized. Yeah. So try to take a bit of a... Like, be intentional and take a critical eye to how you show up in difficult moments.

Like, do you have grace, or do you jump all over someone 'cause their ginger beard whiskers make you insane? Or they step into the shower and bring all the water from the shower out with them onto the bath mat, so the bath mat is soaked when you get into the shower?

Yeah. Or, like, every time they leave the house, it's- Mm

it feels like a 7.3 on the Richter scale earthquake just hit you. And you're, like, wondering if, if you gotta, you're trying to find a doorframe to stand in so you don't die. Like, those are all the things. But if you just have grace for one another and have a laugh about it, and just understand that, hey, like, my wife's great almost all the time.

Like, 99.9% of the time, she makes the home feel like a great place. And- The .1% of the time, she shakes it to its foundation.

And n- no one's doing it on purpose. No. Like, I'm, I'm not doing it to piss you off.

No, I

know. I don't even notice. You're not leaving the ginger beard whiskers. You'd get most of them.

I try my best.

I

know you do. Like, they're

just-

They're just-

They're prolific ...

they are prolific, for sure. And so having a laugh and realizing that it's- It's just- ... it's your little thing.

It's just a quirk.

It's a little quirk that you have.

Yeah.

And, and- Like, it's my quirk that I hate the bath mat being so wet. I hate that.

It drives me nuts. I hate it. It's not on you, it's on me.

But a day is g- hopefully not anytime soon or, or ever really, but there could- there'll be a day where you will, you would long for that bathmat- Yeah ... to be wet. Like- Or find a ginger beer whisker in the sink, or for the house to shake to its core.

For sure.

It's gonna make me cry. I don't wanna talk about it. But it, I, I also have had that, like, early days in our, like, early days in our relationship when I get out into a wet bathmat, I'm like, "Holy fuck, this is annoying. Oh, there's ginger beer whiskers in the sink. Ugh. Well, a few months ago there wasn't any. Do you wanna go back to that time?"

Yeah.

No. Okay. Okay? So I'll accept the- Suck it up ... ginger beer whiskers and the wet bathmat-

Suck

it up ... in the name of getting to keep this relationship. Criticism, I think, i- is something that you grew up with or you didn't, and it becomes harder to see if you did. But so it, it, it takes some, some critical eye to it.

Contempt, like sarcasm. I used to be a, I think, a lot more sarcastic than I am. I'm really have dialed down my sarcasm.

Me too. It's my default setting- Yeah ... sarcasm. And, and when I get- my humor is, it, it, it's satirical. It goes to sarcasm.

Yeah.

It, it does kind of like just bend that way, like emails and different-

For sure

things that I do.

For sure.

Sarcasm.

Defensiveness is the one I think I struggle with the most. Defensiveness is hard for me. My, my default response when I feel like I haven't hit the mark, my feeling on, uh, not perfect, when I'm feeling like my value is being questioned, my worthiness is being questioned, my default reaction is defensiveness.

Me

too.

For sure. And it is hard to like pump the brakes on that and take a step back like, "Okay, how do I own it?"

Yeah. It's tough.

What am I accountable for? It's tough. What could I have done differently?

But it's, it's part of the taking of full responsibility, right? For sure. Like, is it you, you hear something that you maybe you do take offense to and you're like, "Mm, I'm not sure."

Ooh,

I

don't like that. I don't, yeah. But, I mean, someone's bringing it up. There's something there.

Mm-hmm.

And what part did I play in that? And how do I improve- Mm ... and get better? And, and I think a lot of times it really does help when, um, you understand where it's coming from- Mm-hmm ... like from a place of love- Mm-hmm

versus... Like, 'cause sometimes it is, and sometimes it's coming from a, a dink that doesn't have the- Well, and

I had a, a great chat with a friend of mine this past week, and she was saying that her mother-in-law has really lately been offering her a lot of feedback by times on how she's shown up or how she might have been perceived or...

And sometimes it's like, ooh, that prickled. Like, there, that felt a bit prickly, like something, something-

Mm-hmm.

And she's been able to like instead of her... She's like me, the perfectionist inside, does not wanna accept anything less than flawlessness. But she's been able to say, "You know what? That's actually really valuable.

I, I didn't think of it like that. I didn't see it that way, but maybe someone did see it that way." It's

really healthy when you can get to that point.

For sure. She's done a lot of work.

Yeah, yeah. And I, I'm not quite always there. I'm trying. But you know, you get... You, you hear something that's not- You're not thrilled with, and it's...

Yeah, I mean, when you can get to that place- Yeah ... every, every time or, or damn near

every time. Most times. It also helps when it comes from someone that you know, like, has- Has your best interests ... your best interests at heart. Yeah. Right? For sure. Like, you know they love you. You know they, they're trying to help, and sometimes it doesn't feel good, but usually when there's a prickle on something, when you like-

Yeah.

And

it's a good time to go inward ... it usually means that there's something, something there. Yeah. If, if it doesn't bother you in the slightest-

Yeah ...

then it runs right off your back. There's probably no issue. If you get defensiveness over something someone said to you- Either of them ... it's probably worth pulling on that thread a little bit- Yeah

just to do a little self-reflection.

Yeah.

Stonewalling, I would say, is not one that I generally struggle with.

Well, struggle with- But- ... from the perspective of, of the, there's some stonewallers in your life. For s- Not me. By the way, it feels... It, it may seem and sound and feel like it's me because we, we, we-

Well, I think we just call, we'd call it out if it was you in the book.

Yeah. It's not me. I'm not a stonewaller.

It's not. And it... I'm not a stonewaller most of the time. I don't love a, I don't love an uncomfortable

conversation. I'm, I'm shaky. I'm pr- I'm, I'm the first three. Stonewa- uh, uh, if I had to rank these for me- Yeah, yeah ... I guess from where I fall, like stonewalling-

Let's do that.

Let's do that. S- s- What... Rank them ...

um, defensiveness, criticism, contempt, stonewalling.

I think that would be the exact same as me. Yeah. For sure defensiveness. For sure second place would be criticism. I think probably contempt. Maybe contempt and criticism would change spots actually, depending on who I'm talking to.

But I-

Definitely defense first, definitely stonewalling last. Those middle two- Yeah ... these could be switched.

Yeah. So I'd say that that's my, my ranking. But, um, yeah, stonewalling's not a... It's, it's not a thing that I've defaulted to.

No.

And I'm not sure why that is. Like, it's interesting. I don't know why that, that would be my ranking.

I guess probably just 'cause I grew up with some of that stuff.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, stonewalling, I didn't, I guess, notice or it didn't make- Mm ... an imprint on me, and I di- I didn't have that learned behavior. But yeah, anyway, that's, that's the list. If you have those in your relationship-

Get rid of

them now ... uh, right now deal with them because, yeah, ki- kill King Kong while he's a baby.

If that gets out of hand, gets, uh... It's, it's toxic. I-

if you need help, give us a call. We'll, we'll, we'll help.

We're here for you. We're here for you. And with that, I think that wraps up chapter 23, and next week, you guessed it, chapter 24, because it comes after 23. A little bit of sarcasm. That's my humor. My sarcasm humor.

On display.

Yeah, on full display. So yeah, chapter 24 next week. Uh, I think it's you again

reading. I think it might be.

But, uh, join us next week for chapter 24. Oh, wait. Oh. Join us next week for chapter 24, Sand in Your Underwear. Great chapter.

You'll wanna hear this one.

Sand in Your Underwear. Very uncomfortable.

See you next week.

Bye

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