Listen Now

Episode Transcription

📍  Poor me, I'm having sex. Like, what are you talking about? Yeah. Why do you think that just because I think it's important enough to make sure it happens in my day, that I've literally carved out the time to make sure we're, we're having sex when we wanna do it, that that is unsexy?

You know what's sexy? Is actually having sex. That's sexy. Making sure it happens, actually getting to do it, that's what's sexy.

  You've built the business, you're crushing it in your career, you've scaled your impact, but are you winning at home? Welcome to the 200% Marriage podcast. We're Meredith and Craig, and we're here to help you kill that domestic drag and turn your partner into your most elite teammate. From Russian taxi mishaps to hailstorms on the summit, we're sharing the raw and real stories and tactical drills you need to move out of roommate-ville and into your 200% life.

So grab your gear. It's time to build an unstoppable team. Let's dive in.

  Welcome back to another episode of the 200% Marriage podcast with Meredith and Craig For the last 29 episodes, I think it's been, maybe 28, 29, a lot of episodes, we've been reading our book, The 200% Marriage: Your Winning Playbook to Be an Unstoppable Team.

We're in the home stretch now almost. We're getting to the end, but today... It's the moment you've all been waiting for ... today we're doing chapter 29, the sex chapter, also known as coitus power. We're each reading the chapters we wrote. I wrote chapter 29. I'm gonna read chapter 29. Let's get after it.

Chapter 29: Coitus Power. "Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any," John Callahan. Whoop, whoop, you're here. Welcome to the sex chapter. If you read the table of contents and skipped straight to this chapter, go back and read the rest of the book. It's full of gold. To be clear, we are not sex therapists.

We're not here to tell you how to have sex. We're not, we're not gonna talk about pleasure techniques, positions to try, or tricks for foreplay. We're going to assume you already know the how, and if you don't, and this is an area where you struggle, please do seek the appropriate professional help. That is not us.

However, we are here to talk about the why, why sex matters, why it's healthy, meaningful, and powerful for your relationship. Let's be honest. We don't all have the same drive or urge for sex. Chances are that your desire level is different from your teammate's. Maybe it's higher. Maybe it's lower. And that's okay.

We're all wired differently. It's part of what makes this world so interesting. If you're the one with the higher sex drive, that likely means you'll initiate more. That's life. It's just... It just is what it is. Remember, 100% responsibility. If you want sex, initiate it. Don't sit in judgment, frustration, or anger waiting for your teammate to initiate.

It doesn't necessarily mean they're not interested. When it comes to sexual arousal, there are two broad types. One, spontaneous desire. These are the folks who seemingly want sex out of thin air, a spark, a thought, a glance, boom, ready to rumble. Two, responsive desire. These are the folks who need warming up, like a car on a cold February morning in Canada.

You turn on the ignition, warm it up, and get the motor running before taking it for a drive. Arousal comes from touch, emotional intimacy, closeness, or stimulation. You might lean more strongly toward one or notice tendencies for both, and it can shift over time depending on life stages and circumstances.

So if your teammate doesn't seem to, quote, unquote, "want sex," it may simply mean they lean more toward responsive desire. They're not necessarily avoiding it. They just need some wooing. They want physical touch, emotional intimacy, or a feeling of closeness before things heat up. So if you want sex and your teammate has a responsive desire, get your woo on.

Make them feel seen and heard. Make them feel respected. Check in with them, not just when you want to engage in coitus, but all the time. Show them you care all the time, not just go time. If you're not having sex at the frequency you'd like, it's not just about desire type If you're not having sex at the frequency, if you're not having sex at the frequency you'd like, and it's not just about desire type, get deeply honest with yourself.

Ask yourself if you've been showing up as a great teammate. Would you want to engage in coitus with you? If the answer isn't a, "Fuck yeah, I would," then the same is probably true for them. You've got some work to do, which you're doing if you've been following everything we've been saying in this book, which you are, right?

Okay, time to get a little vulnerable and pull back the curtain on our sex life. Mer's gonna love this. I definitely, I definitely lean more towards spontaneous desire. Mer definitely leans, Mer definitely leans toward responsive desire. That doesn't mean that she never initiates sex. In fact, and this might be too much information, but I'm going there anyway.

She initiated sex this very morning. Yep, as I write this chapter, I have a big shit-eating grin and a certain glow about me. This is worth celebrating. We celebrate your stuff, and we celebrate our stuff. Fist bump. That being said, most of the time she needs me to initiate. For her, that looks like being warmed up through physical touch, not just in the bedroom, though that helps too, like back rubs on the couch, massaging her feet, playing with her hair, or through emotional intimacy, like sharing vulnerably, feeling extra close, en- or enjoying shared experiences, like that impromptu hailstorm date we told you about in the last chapter.

Me? All those things help. But if I'm honest, they aren't always necessary. Sometimes the wind shifts, and I'm good to go. Don't get me wrong, I like being wooed too. I was wooed this morning, and it felt great. Just because you or your teammate default to one type of desire over the other doesn't mean it has to be exclusive.

And becoming aware of which type you each lean toward is the start of a beautiful conversation that brings you onto the same page in the bedroom. Regardless of which desire you lean toward, sometimes sex is a compromise. Maybe one of you isn't 100% in the mood, but in healthy marriages, we act not just for ourselves, but for the relationship.

I am sure there have been times in our relationship when Mer wasn't all in on the quote-unquote, "plan" I had for us to get intimate, but she chose to engage anyway because it was for us. It was what was best for the team that day. On days when Mer and I engage in coitus, we feel closer. There's a different energy between us.

Matthew McConaughey summarized it so beautifully in his book Greenlights. He wrote that sometimes he doesn't always feel like having sex with his wife in the moment. Sometimes he does it not for the pleasure in the moment, but for what it does for the relationship in the future, for how it makes them closer and everything else they do that day.

Sometimes it's simply a deposit in the love account to deepen their bond and feel closer. Here's the quote, "Today I made love to my woman, not because I wanted to right then, but because I knew I'd want to when we started, and that walk on the beach we took afterward would be more romantic. The cocktail I made at 5:45 would taste better.

The shrimp I seasoned would have more savor. The All-Star game we watched at 7 would be more exciting. The music we danced to till midnight would have more rhythm, and the conversation about life we had together sitting across the table from each other Until 3:00 AM in the morning would be more inspiring, and it was.

Matthew McConaughey, Greenlights. It's not just about those fleeting mo- It's not just about those fleeting minutes of pleasure, as great as they are. It's about how intimacy ripples into your whole day, strengthens your bond, and compounds over time. That's the game changer. Now, let's pre-handle some of the excuses we hear all the time so that we can get those out of the way on your path to more sex First, you're not, quote unquote, "too busy."

Let me remind you, you do not find time, you create it. What are your priorities? If it's a priority, you will create the time for it. Maybe it means less Netflix and more chill. Whatever you're, whatever you need to do to create the time, make it happen. Schedule it. If it's important enough, you make it happen.

Sex and your relationship deserve and require the same intentionality as the other parts of your life, like your work and your kids. Which brings me to the next bullshit excuse. But scheduling is... But scheduling it is so unsexy, it feels forced. Stop it. You've been resche- you've been scheduling sex all your adult life.

Do not pretend that when you were dating, you weren't shaving certain body parts, making sure you had the right underwear on, taking the week-old pizza box to the garbage, or spraying Axe body spray to rid your apartment of that what died in here smell. Because you knew coitus was hopefully going to happen, was going to be had on your hot date.

Because you knew coitus was hopefully going to be had on your hot date. It wasn't unsexy then. Stop using it as an excuse now. If you schedule it and plan for it, it's way more likely to actually happen. It doesn't kill spontaneity. And if you're, and if you're the spontaneous type, nothing stops you from adding an impromptu round when the mood strikes.

But at the very least, the scheduled time ensures it happens Remember, sex is one of the big four, so it comes up a lot. We worked with a couple who were having sex maybe a couple times per year. Life was busy: kids, careers, hobby, friends, family, constant commitments. Intimacy had taken a backseat. There were some other more nuanced reasons for the lack of sex, which we addressed, and they still weren't connecting as much as they'd like.

So we had them humor us by picking a day and committing to it. There were some reservations about the lack of spontaneity and spark. They were worried it would feel forced and unromantic. To their credit, they committed. They chose Monday morning. Now, Monday mornings aren't most people's favorite time of the week.

Let me tell you, it is for these two. That first week, we got bombarded with messages, memes, and emojis telling us how great it was and how they felt more connected than ever. They have kept their Monday morning ritual. We still get the occasional update about how well it's still going. Everyone is smiling.

So if you're struggling to find time, stop trying to find it, create it, pick a time, and schedule it, and enjoy both the moment of pleasure and the future bond you're building together. Because coitus doesn't just change your day, it transforms your relationship, and it can turn Monday mornings from the worst part of your week into the absolute best.

Anything that can do that is powerful. That's the power of coitus, coitus power. I love how you wrapped up that chapter. And that's chapter 29. It's not a long chapter, it's one of the things that comes up a lot.

It's a big f- it's one of the big four. It's sex. 📍 Pun intended? It wasn't, but- We'll take it. I wanna start with the, like, the, the... It starts outside the bedroom.

📍 Oh, wait, I wanna have sex, so let's just, like, hop to." "So I'm just gonna, like, uh, get in there and start-" Start touching things ..."touching stuff." Start touching stuff. And, like, it really does start the week leading up. cr- together- Literally all the stuff that came in the book before it- The first 28 chapters?

Yeah. The- Are basically there's a reason that there's 28 chapters before you get to the sex chapter. Let's see how far through the book we are. Yeah. This is the part we read over here on this side. Yeah. So we're three-quarters plus.

We're getting to the end of the book. All the shit before chapter 29 is the foreplay that's going to make sex more likely when the moment happens. And most people, when they're not connecting physically the way they want, i.e. having sex at the frequency they want, they think that's the problem, is they're just not having sex. That's a symptom of the problem. Yeah. The real problem is, is there's no emotional connection, and we're not doing the other work that we talked about. .. we're disconnecting. Yeah. We're not apologizing. We're, we, we have these disagreements, and we never resolve them, and we never apologize, and we never connect emotionally, and we never sit on the couch and just touch that's not s- like, a sexual nature.

Non-sexual physical touch. Right. And so, but it's easy to just be like, "Yeah, but they're never in the mood," or, "They never initiate." But the they don't feel in the mood or feel like initiating because none of the other stuff's happened. Mm-hmm. The foreplay is literally the, the first part of the book.

Yeah. way outside the bedroom. And in fact, so let me get into the, the two types, spontaneous and responsive, and we first heard that on a podcast. I can't remember which one now. When you hear it, like someone might be hearing it now for the first time, that episode that we listened to prompted a conversation for us where we talked about the way you lean versus the way I lean. And I, I hope that if you're listening to this, press pause and take a moment and actually have this conversation between the two of you. Which way do you lean more? Are you more responsive? Are you more spontaneous? You probably have a feeling, but yeah- Yeah ... it's good confirmation. Yeah. Just, just, just... There's no judgment, there's no shame, there's no blame, there's just accountability, ownership you are naturally wired in this area. It's not... One is not better or worse than the other. They both just are, and the more you understand how you naturally act and how you engage together, the m- less likely you're gonna be awkward and uncomfortable about it.

So if you're learning about this stuff for the first time, press pause and actually have a conversation about it right now. Use this opportunity, use this podcast episode. The only time most people talk about sex is to complain about how little they're having.

That's a bummer. And if you actually could talk about it more between the two of you, 'cause you can have an uncomfortable fucking conversation because you've been practicing it in this book, then it becomes not uncomfortable anymore. You just talk about sex, how often you each wanna be having it, what type of desire you have, spontaneous versus responsive, and just have a conversation about how often you would like to have it.

Maybe we should start scheduling it. What would be a good time to schedule it? Monday morning, maybe. Sunday night. Tuesday afternoon. I don't care, but pick a time. And on that note I, th- like, we posted something about this in the last few weeks or something, and, uh, as always, you hater who says, "Oh, it's not spontaneous, it's not passionate, it's not sexy."

I feel, I feel bad if you're, if you have- Poor you ... if you have to schedule sex. Like, poor me, I'm having sex. Like, what are you talking about? Yeah. And to make sure it happens in my day, that I've literally carved out the time to make sure we're, we're having sex when we wanna do it, that that is unsexy?

You know what's sexy? Is actually having sex. That's sexy. Making sure it happens, actually getting to do it, that's what's sexy. Trying to keep it spontaneous and therefore someone's not in the mood and blah, blah, blah, and then you don't get to have it when you wanna have it, that's pretty unsexy to me So that's my little, my little rant about that for the haters online.

And yeah, you make the point, like, I love the Matthew McConaughey. We listened to Greenlights years and years and years and years ago, and really enjoyed it. When it first came out, it was great. We thoroughly enjoyed it. Mm-hmm. We listened to it again a year and a half ago-ish, a year, over a year ago, and that's the first time I remember hearing that quote.

I didn't hear that the first time at all. I have no recollection of his quote about sex in the we read it. Second time through, it jumped out like flashing neon lights. Mm-hmm. And I just love it. And you're right in the book, 'cause yeah, there are some times where I'm like, "Oh my God, we have so much to do.

Are you kidding me? You wanna have sex now?" Like, we gotta jump into bed, we gotta sh- like, first of all, probably too much information, we are morning sex people. 'Cause I'm, we're t- I don't know, like, we're tired at night. Days are long, we're busy, it's... It's important, so we start the day with it. And then we end up living the day like Matthew McConaughey describes.

We don't stay up till 3:00 AM, 'cause that's insane. But everything you do that day, you feel more connected to each other, because you started the day with sex. So why not? If you're having a hard time fitting it in your schedule, do it in the morning. I promise it will change your day. Just a minute and a half.

Wake up, like, 20 minutes early. Spend a little time. Oh, 20 minutes. That's the more appropriate time. Sorry. 20 minutes. Give 20 minutes. Well, you gotta warm up. Like, there's some shit to do. Like, wake up 20 minutes early on whatever day you want, and schedule it. Make it happen. Because you... It, it will change how you move through your day, especially if you're moving through your day together.

You will feel more connected over coffee later. You will feel more connected on your walk to work or w- whatever your day looks like, whether you're doing e- everything together or not. You will feel more connected to each other throughout the rest of that day because of how you started the day. And it's helpful.

And right. And wake up 20 minutes. Not a minute and a half. That's not long enough. 20 minutes. Do your best. Wake up 20 minutes early, have some fun. Yeah. Coitus power. Coitus power. Anything else? Nope. That's it for me. Go have more sex. Happy... Sex. Happy sexing. Bye.

 Look, knowing the strategy is one thing. Executing it in the trenches of daily life is another. If you're ready to stop listening and start doing, we have a challenge for you. It's the 33 Day Unstoppable Team Challenge. 33 days of micro drills delivered right to your inbox for just 33 bucks. It's designed to snap you out of roommate-ville and get you back into alignment.

Go to the200percentmarriage.com/challenge and take the first step toward your 200% life. Your team is worth the investment