🚨 Self-Worth 411: Your Guide to Finally Feeling Good Enough

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Episode Transcription

Welcome back to another episode of the Road to Life podcast. Another great episode this week we've got. We're going to talk about self worth. Self worth. It's come up a lot lately I would say. You know, I spoke at a conference a couple weeks ago. I spoke about self care, but a big element of that was self worth.

I got a little vulnerable telling my story of self worth and some of the things I do every day to, to deal with that. And it's come up on a couple of calls lately. We just finished reading a book about it. It's been sort of front and center for us, I would say, the last month or two specifically.

I mean, It's been a journey for the last two years. All our lives, really, when you think about it. And, and I didn't realize how important it was or that it was even an issue until more recently, in the last three or four. And then even more serious about it the last couple. Right. But I think it's an epidemic.

I think that most of the world suffers with feelings of unworthiness, with low self worth. Inadequacies, not good enough, not deserving of whatever it is that they want in life. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's a huge, and I think it's the single greatest thing holding people back from their own greatness.

Yeah, especially in their relationships. I think it's a huge barrier for people in either improving the relationship they're in, or ending the relationship they're in, to finding a relationship that's better for them. Part of that I think is as humans we tend to prefer the familiar to the unfamiliar, so if, you believe you're only worthy of, a very low level of love and respect in a relationship, that's where you're comfortable. That's where you're familiar, even though you may not like it. That's what you're familiar with and what you believe you deserve. And that's where those patterns come. I always date the same type of person. And it's always the same issues. And it's like, because that's what's familiar.

I've had seven serious relationships, but they've all basically been with the same person. Yeah. They've all ended the same way. Yeah. Because I'm seeking out a relationship where I feel Comfortable and familiar. As opposed to seeking out a relationship that I actually deserve. I'm seeking out one I feel like I deserve.

When we don't feel like we're worthy, we're willing to stay and accept less than we deserve because we actually don't believe that we're deserving of more than that. Yeah. And we don't do anything about it when we're in those situations because we're here and we want this, we want this relationship, but we, when we don't believe we're worthy of it, we won't do what we need to do to get there.

So either addressing... and not only that, but you'll actually self sabotage yourself. Not only will you not do the things, you'll actively do things that are counterproductive to getting that thing. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. And that's, that's, that's, that's. Fear based, right? Sure. Like part of it is kind of like a thermostat.

You have a set Programming for what you believe you deserve based on What you feel you're worthy of and what you feel you're good enough for. That's your sort of set Temperature that your thermostat is set at. Mm hmm. And so if you happen to find yourself in a relationship That's higher than that set temperature, you will self sabotage to get yourself either bring that relationship down or exit that relationship and find one that is back at your set temperature.

Scary, isn't it? It is. And, and the mind is like it's there to protect you, obviously, from back in the caveman days when we were saber toothed tiger running behind us, but there's no more saber toothed tigers, but we're still programmed that way. So it's hardwired in us to avoid. Discomfort and fear, unfamiliarity, any, anything that gets your, your system amped up, you're running from it.

Like it's not comfortable and you just try to get out of there anyway. You know how? Yeah. We, it's almost like we let our fears control us. We let our fears take over the fear of judgment, the fear of criticism, the fear of abandonment, the fear, all of our fears. When we don't feel worthy of more, we let those fears just run the show. When your self worth starts to rise and you start to feel like you're worthy of more, it, it takes some power away from the fear. Yeah. I think the more self worth you have, the easier it is to push through those fears. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I feel like we've read something, I think it might have been in 'Worthy' - Jamie Kern- Lima's book, that, You know, you don't rise to the level of your desires, your goals, your dreams. You fall to the level at which you believe you're worthy. I totally didn't get that right, but that's the gist of the sentiment. It's something like that. Yeah. It's, it's actually a play on James Clear, James Clear's habits, right. You follow the level of your habits. But yeah, I agree with her.

I think it is, it's, it's an absolute epidemic and I don't think that anyone will ever exceed. or have more than what they believe they're worth.

Yep - agreed. And it's an epidemic because we're seeing it everywhere, but it's, and it's something that you and I struggled with and didn't even know we were struggling, struggle with, struggle with, didn't, but didn't know we were struggling with it until the last couple of years. And that's the other thing I think about this.

It's so insidious about this is I don't think most people even realize that what's holding them back is the fact that they don't subconsciously, inside them, don't believe they're worthy of whatever it is that they want. They don't even know it a lot of the time. Yeah. And that's where Consciously.

Yeah. Some of those people pleasing behaviors come from. Like, that's something I struggled with, for most struggle with, but definitely struggled with for most of my life, is peacekeeping, people pleasing, and it wasn't, it was only, like, lately in the last, year that someone asked, you know, Oh, I didn't say anything cause I just wanted to keep the peace.

And it's like, whose peace are you keeping? Yeah. It's like, certainly not your own. Yeah, certainly not my own. Like, by me not sharing my truth, me not speaking my mind, me not speaking up, me just letting, letting it go because I didn't want to upset the apple cart, I didn't want to create conflict, I wanted to keep the peace, it was not creating peace inside of me, it was creating conflict inside of me, but I was avoiding conflict outside of me.

Because I don't feel worthy, it's okay to have conflict inside of me. And the other part of that, that I've come to realize in the last couple of years, is, you know I was a big people pleaser. But I also, as part of that, had this really strong need for external validation. Because I didn't feel like I was good enough myself, I needed lots of other people to show me or tell me that I was good enough, at work or wherever.

Get that external validation so that I could feel for a very brief period of time like I was good enough. But the thing about it is when you're always looking outside of yourself for that validation. A, it's never going to be enough. And B, you're doing it at your own expense. So you're further reinforcing the unworthiness.

And also every time you don't be your full self. You're telling yourself that you're not good enough as your true self. So every time you withhold speaking your truth, it's reinforcing the idea that that version of you isn't good enough. And it's not only just speaking your truth. That's the most obvious one, I think, that people will feel the most.

Yeah. But it's a good one. When you hide an aspect of you, because you cover a part of you to fit in with a group, every time you do that, for the sake of fitting in, you censor yourself in any way, whether it's, you know, what you like, what you say, what you wear, how you speak, anything, you are reinforcing the I'm not good enough vibe inside your own self.

And every time you do that, and every time you get congratulated, or you get that external validation, Mm hmm. It's actually not even for you. It's for another person that you're trying that you're not. It's not you. Yeah That's why if it's not meant for you. If you're not showing up in your relationship, especially As who you actually are if you're keeping the peace, if you're people pleasing, if you're avoiding conflict, so you're not speaking your truth and having an honest conversation inside your relationship and you're receiving love from that relationship You're not actually receiving it because it's you know, your brain knows it's not you Who's receiving that love.

So you're not actually receiving the love, which is just further reinforcing the fact that you're not good enough as you are, because you wouldn't be getting that love if you were who you actually are. Yeah. It's, it's so insidious. It's just such an epidemic in the world. And it shows up in our relationships.

It shows up everywhere in life. It shows up for me everywhere in your health, you know, you will self sabotage in your health because you don't feel worthy of it. So you won't go for the run. You won't eat what you know you should eat. You won't not eat what you know you shouldn't, you know, you won't do the things you'll stay up late. You won't go to, you won't get the right sleep. You won't like, you won't do the things you know will make you feel good. Because you don't feel worthy of being good, but especially in your relationship when you don't speak your truth, when you are people pleasing, it undermines the relationship.

And everything you get. All the, the, the positive feedback that you get every time you withhold being yourself. That's not even, it's not meant for you. It's meant for that other version, that, that version you're trying. Fake version that fake version of you. So you're never receiving it. It's such a mind. And the other thing, yeah.

A mind F. Yeah. It, it, the other part of it is, I think it's Brené Brown who says it, You can only give love to others to the extent that you love yourself. Yeah. Like, again, I butchered that quote, but that's the sentiment. And so, if you're incapable of loving yourself because you don't believe you're worthy of it, deep down, like we said, this is insidious, so it's not a surface level feeling, it's a deeper feeling.

But if you don't feel like you're worthy of love, You won't actually be able to give love. And so if I don't feel worthy in our relationship, I don't feel like I'm worthy of love. I can't actually give it to me, give love to you beyond what you have for yourself. So if you inside, you don't like yourself.

You're not going to be able to ever fully love me. You're going to Have these resentments and things towards me. Yeah, because you have them towards yourself. Exactly because they're actually for me. Yeah, and I think that's a lot of what why we we see in others what we actually believe about ourselves.

There's a mirror Yeah The world is a mirror. It's held up to you. Everything you see out there is a reflection back to you. What you don't like in someone is usually what you don't like in yourself. Yeah. And so if you always see love it's because if you love yourself, you're going to see love everywhere.

There are things we can do, right? It's not just all doom and gloom. Like, most of us don't feel worthy. Most of us don't feel good enough, smart enough, healthy enough, tall enough.

Okay, good. Bye. Right? So. So what? There are things we can do to work on our self worth. And the first is becoming aware of it. I was just going to say, just knowing that it's a thing. Because I, like I said earlier, I really do think that most people have no idea that in, that a lot of what's holding them back is because of how they feel about themselves. I didn't know it for almost 40 years. That I didn't feel good enough. Like I didn't realize it in my conscious brain. It wasn't on the surface of how I operated. And it's because it's these little things that happen over the course of your life. From childhood, through middle school, high school, little things that happen.

They compile. Little messages that you received a certain way that told you you weren't worthy, you weren't good enough. And they weren't probably intended that way, but you received them that way. Most of them weren't. Most of them weren't. And so we all end up with these programings inside of us that say we're, most of us, that we're not worthy and we don't even know they're there.

And so it's going to take some digging, like it took us some digging to realize that this 'not good enough', this unworthiness was lurking below the surface. And then once we were aware of it, then we could start to address it. And so, I mean, Jamie Kern Lima's book Worthy is fantastic. I think anyone should read that book.

We both have read it in the last month and it's excellent. It's a great book for everyone. And I think anyone, everyone should read it because I do think it's an epidemic. Yeah. And when we first started to work on this, Two years ago, we started with some really simple things and I call them like the cheesy things.

They're the things that you've read about or heard about for years that I would say, yeah, yeah, I get that. Like I, I, that makes sense to me. I understand that. But there's such a difference between understanding something in your brain and feeling something in your body. And you can't feel it in your body if you're not actually doing it.

And so a couple of years ago when we first embarked on this journey, we both kind of decided that, well, let's just try it. Let's just do the things that seem like, really, are we going to do that? The silly, let's just do them. And the other, the other reason you got to lose. Yeah. Well, we'll be exactly the same way.

We are worst case scenario. We don't change at all. Best case scenario. We do. Yeah. So it seemed like no regrets work and. Something else that was said to us around that time that helped me get motivated to do all these silly things Was someone saying you're not special. And of course, we're all special in our own way. But what he meant was you're not special in that the things that work for everyone else Will also work for you if you do them.

Yeah, if something that's worked for millions of other people Will work for you. You just have to do it. You're not special in that you need a new way of figuring everything out. You don't have to reinvent the wheel on everything. The stuff everyone else has done will work for you. So that was something else that sort of helped me get to a place in my mind where I decided that, okay fine, we'll write I am enough on the mirror.

Yeah, and read it every day and high five ourselves in the mirror. Yeah. Yeah. Set the alarm on my phone to go off twice a day. I am enough. Yeah. Reminder. The looking at, and not just the high five. The other part of that, you know, is looking at yourself in the mirror. Make an eye contact with yourself in the mirror.

Smiling at yourself, which right off the bat, like, if you actually do that, is not, that's not easy, the first couple times you do it. And then, after you've looked at yourself in the eye, you smiled at yourself, then you say, I love you, I'm proud of you, Any other message you need that day. Keep going, you're doing amazing.

you know. And then give yourself a high five. And it's like that physical act of positive reinforcement does something to your brain. And another way to take it up another level is to tell, look yourself in the eye and tell yourself three to five things that you love about yourself. Not just, I love you, but I love your Red beard with little gray flecks.

I do love your ginger beard. Or big gray flecks as it were. But just what are three to five things that you love about yourself? Every single day. And usually calling yourself by your name helps when you're in the mirror. Do you use McKay or do you use Meredith? I usually use Meredith actually. Okay.

Just curious, but I'm not in there with you, so I'm just curious. It fluctuates. It depends on the day. Yeah. It depends on my mood. I think a little bit. Yeah. But calling yourself. Mer or Meredith? Full name? No, I can, I can go Mer too. Do you ever go middle name? No. Like you're calling yourself out. I never go, go Florence

No. Okay. Florence doesn't usually make an appearance in the mirror? No. No. Okay. And so it's these, they're not big ticket things. They don't take very long. No. They take a minute. You won't, you won't even notice it in the run of a day. You, you go to the bathroom and wash your hands. You're already looking at yourself in the mirror a number of times a day.

Hopefully. Yeah. And so. You just tack on an extra 30 seconds. There was also the brushing your teeth, looking yourself in the eye, saying in your head, I love you. I love you. I love you. While you're brushing your teeth. We did that from MindValley. All these little things. Habit stack. It makes it easier to do these things.

You're already brushing your teeth. You're already washing your hands. Like just add these on. And so none of them are really difficult. None of them take a lot of time. None of them are... and another one that I took from the book that we just finished reading over the last little while, the Worthy book is thinking about it and whether you're religious or not, like if you're religious, it's God, if you're not, maybe it's the universe or whatever, but knowing that the universe or God, if you believe that God or the universe don't make mistakes and that everything is for a reason, then You can't possibly think that you're not worthy and still believe, like it's a conflict.

It's a conflict between You're a hypocrite. Yeah, it's a conflict of, of thinking that God and the universe never make mistakes and that everything is as it should, but that you're flawed in some way. Right. And that you're not worthy. Yeah. There's a conflict there. Like Mark says, God doesn't make mistakes, he didn't start with you. Exactly. So, I think it's, it's a reframe of if, if you are a religious person, you see, you identify as someone who's religious or identify as someone who sees the universe as operating in this mysterious way that just everything works out the way it's intended to, then give that some thought to consider That dichotomy that hypocrisy that you're a discrepancy between those two thoughts.

Yeah. It's something else she says in there too, because I think a big source of the unworthiness and the not feeling good enough is rejection, right? When you feel rejected personally, it may not have, that may not have been the intent. Something didn't get approved at work, or someone didn't invite you to do something, you know, little, little things that compound over time. That perceived rejection is actually the universe, or God, depending on your belief system, the universe protecting you because, you know, That wasn't meant for you.

You're meant to be over here. There's a lesson you need over here. You're not meant to like, this person's not meant for you. Whatever the situation is, what's meant for you. It wasn't meant for you. That rejection is your act, is your protection. So, so I think there's, those are some good little nuggets to stew on, to start considering what would work for you and developing your own sense.

But if nothing else, right, I am enough on your mirror. Set your alarms on your phone at least twice a day: "I am enough" so that you get reminded of that. That's going into your brain every day. And smile at yourself, give yourself a high five. And it's what it is, it's just compounding, it's just building on it every day, being consistent.

It's not, there's no like, I don't feel worthy so I'm going to do this and now I feel worthy. Totally. It's a work in progress. And, and it's going to be a lifetime. Yeah. It's, it's a life-long endeavor which is why it's so good. It doesn't take very long. Yeah. So you chip away at it day by day. And it's consistency, consistently telling yourself, you love yourself. Consistently showing up for yourself and, and, and speaking your truth every day.

And if you don't feel like I can say, I love you yet in the mirror and actually believe it, you need to believe it. So if you have to start with, I'm learning to like you. That's okay too. You can, you might have to build yourself up to it. Yeah. You gotta, you gotta believe it. But, but know that it's not a one day you feel unworthy,

the next day you feel worthy. It's literally a lifelong endeavor that you're going to chip away at. And so don't get discouraged if after a week of high fiving yourself in the mirror, you don't have this sense of, I love myself. I'm like, you're walking on clouds dancing with unicorns. Unfortunately, not that simple.

It's not that fast. Fast. I guess. Yeah. It is that simple. It is. It's just not that quick. It's, it's about consistency. Yeah. but know that you are worthy of absolutely everything that you want in life. Just the way you are. Exactly as you are. You are enough just the way you are. If there was anything that you enjoyed from this episode, we would love it if you would share it with someone else who might enjoy it. We would love it if you would give us a, a review, a rating, wherever you're listening to your podcasts. And we would love if you would join us on the Traveling the Road of Life Facebook group, so we can get to know you better. We can engage in conversation. We can keep this party going.

Bye for now.