36: When Achieving your Goals ISN'T the Goal

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Episode Transcription

Welcome back to the Road of Life podcast. Another fantastic episode coming your way. This week we're talking about a run that we recently did and some lessons that we learned. MacKay, kick it off for us.

All right. We set a goal of running the 29 kilometer race. In fact, I think we talked about this a little bit more in a previous episode where being a good teammate you challenged me to exceed my personal best of a half marathon and run 29 kilometers.

So you sent me a link to this run. And I guess your expectation of that was that we were going to do it as a team. As a relay. And each do 14 and a half, 15 kilometers, whatever it ended up being. Correct. The breakdown was. Yeah. It's marketed as a relay. I did not realize this was a relay.

I thought your intent was, Oh, this looks like a cool run. Let's run it. So I signed us up.

Because it's between two lighthouses. It goes all along the ocean and the farmland. It's lovely.

Right. So it just would make perfect sense to see all of that beauty, not half of it.

So I did not realize that the expectation was that we would only see half of all the coolness.

So he registered us as individuals, not teammates. And so, time out.

Yes. I registered us as individuals to be teammates on that run.

Fair enough. Not as relay mates on that run.

Correct.

We did the training, you know, we had the, did all the long runs, led up to it, the half marathon, the two hours, the 25k.

25k was my longest run up to that point. And it was great. Had a lovely day in that 25k run. And then it was the week before. And we were tapering down a little bit,

and there was a run, just a little five miler run that we've done the last couple of years. And so we went up and did that and I had a little, a little problem in that run.

My knee started to get a little sore in that run, which shook my confidence a little for the 29k. I didn't do a Basically any running that whole week leading up to the 29k run because I was not feeling right and so then the day came and it's lovely. The The run starts at a lighthouse.

29k run. The 29k run starts at a lighthouse The easternmost tip of the island that we live on. It was all early in the morning, it was all foggy, like it was,

you could see there was like, I think I counted 22 fishing boats off the coast of where we, like we were literally right on the coast, right by the lighthouse.

And through the fog, you could see 22 fishing boats out in the ocean. Scattered throughout doing their thing early in the morning. It was cool.

Yeah, and so anyway, the gun went off and away we went. And normally when we do runs, we don't run together, because we don't run at the same pace.

Normally, you run and I run at the same time, but not shoulder to shoulder, side by side. But this race, we did shoulder to shoulder, side by side. Why did we do that?

We did that because I wanted to experience this run with you. I wanted to be there when you finished your, your big goal of finishing 29K. And the whole idea was that, you know, when I signed us up for doing this individually, I wanted to see what you see.

I wanted to experience the run the way you experienced it. I thought it would be cool to do that together. So that's why I just decided that whatever pace you run, I will, I will run with you.

So we started and it was great. First kilometer, two were fabulous.

First two kilometers were good.

First two kilometers were great. By about 2. 5, we started to get a wobble. The wheels started to wobble. Yeah, my knees started to get sore at kilometer 2. 5, but we kept going. The pace sort of slowed.

I could, I could tell that you were in a little bit of discomfort. I would check in every now and then, you know, how are you doing?

I've been better. My knee's a little sore. I was, I could feel, I could feel the pace slowing a little bit. But you were a warrior.

It was tough. I was, I was hurting. It was not going well. It was, it was brutal. Yeah. But. You were there checking in and at one point you asked me what are you grateful for right now?

Well, yeah, yeah, I wasn't honestly I was not sure the best approach to take I knew you were struggling and I knew that you needed something. I didn't know if it was anything I could provide or not. But I also was there and

And that was what I needed. I just,

I wasn't sure. Like I, I had to check in every now and then.

Just like, look, I'm here. I can ask you, I can talk to you, I can check in with you. Is that what you want? Or do you want me to just buzz off and go run my own race? Because either way, don't take offense, I'm here to support, I want to give you what you need. But it was really tough, obviously tougher for you, you were going through something.

But it was tough from my perspective seeing you go through that. and not knowing exactly how to best support you and be there for you in that moment.

But you, you did everything that you could think of to do. And then when you asked me, what are you grateful for in that moment? Half of me wanted to punch you in the nose.

It was like, I'm not grateful for anything right now that sucks. But the other half of me was like, It is a beautiful day. It was a perfect day, weather, temperature. It was a perfect day to do it. The scenery was beautiful. There was lots to be grateful for in that run. So I did, I did scrape and find some of those things when you asked me.

But it was a good reminder because when we go through difficult things, no matter what they are. Whether it's a tough day running, whether it's a tough day at work, whether you're fighting with your person, whatever it is, we all go through tough things in life. And if you can pause and find one thing to be grateful for in that moment, it really can shift your perspective.

When you asked me my knee jerk reaction when I wanted to punch in the nose, because obviously I'm not grateful for anything right now, but I was able to. to turn it around and find some things to be grateful for. And that helped. And up until, oh, I don't even remember when it really got aggressively hard.

Like 20, 21k, that last kilometer or two.

Well, I know that there was a point and it was about kilometer, I want to say maybe about 18, 19. We were coming down a hill and I checked in on you and you were really, really struggling to the point where you, I think, couldn't even walk. Like, you tried to stop running because going down the hill, for those that aren't maybe super familiar with long runs, when you are running for a significant amount of time, There's a lot of jarring on your joints and then especially when you add on a, like a significant downhill, it puts a lot of pressure on your joints.

Knees in particular going down hills aren't fun sometimes. And I think you were already dealing with a bad knee. something that was sore. And this hill in particular, it was a significant downhill was causing you some pain. And then you tried to like, kind of just walk down the hill and you almost like stumbled, like you couldn't even hold your weight walking.

And that's when I knew that this is, this is not good. We still have a 10K to go. Yeah. And this is not good.

We toughed it out, tried to walk, that didn't work very well. Tried to run, that didn't work very well either. And eventually I was making the decision on whether to stop.

And you were making sure I was sure.

Yeah. I didn't want you to make a decision either way that you would regret long term. So I want you to be sure with whatever it is that you want to do. Just take a second, think about it, feel it, and understand what it is you want out of this. Like what feels right for you.

Either way, I support whatever decision you want to do.

And so it was a good check in because I wanted to finish so bad. Yeah. Like it worked so hard and trained so hard for it that I wanted to do it even if I had to walk the rest of the way. And so I tried to walk for a bit. That didn't work either. And so eventually one of the volunteers came over and offered me a ride.

She could, she could tell you were struggling. Yeah, everyone could tell I was struggling. Yeah, it's funny because just as you were stopping and getting your help, the other volunteer came by she looked at me and she said I knew she was struggling that was the woman she was at the checkpoint at about kilometer 14 or 15 she was there and she said I knew you were I knew I knew she was struggling I knew she needed some help and so I mean from that point to the point that you stopped you ran another seven kilometers you ran 22 kilometers on a bad knee yeah 20 of them were really hurt.

Like basically a half marathon while it's still hurt. Whether you feel like you met your goal or not, to me, running 22 kilometers on a sore knee, was like, like mamba mentality. It was the shits, for sure. It was the shits, but like, right. Warrior, heart of a champion. Like, I mean, you went as far as your body allowed you to go that day.

That's pretty cool.

It makes me think that, Oh, just to finish the story. So I got dropped off just a little before the finish line. Cause the finish line finished on a significant uphill. The finish line was at the top of a very significant hill. And so she dropped me off at the bottom.

She tried to drop me off at the top, but the other guy wouldn't let her drive up there. So she dropped me off at the bottom. And I did not cross the finish line because that felt weird.

How about that guy making you walk up there? Wild.

And so then I went the, I went behind the lighthouse for a minute to kind of feel the feelings and then wait for you to finish.

And I saw the woman who dropped me off and she's like, he's making really good time. I was following him on my phone. Like, yeah, I figured he was, he has a lot left in the tank, I'm sure. But then you cross the finish line.

We're supposed to set big goals. Like the goals are supposed to scare us, and this did when we set it.

It scared me. And we don't always achieve them. When we set big scary goals, we're not going to get them all.

No, no, but that's when you know you're doing it right. When you're setting goals that are one, scaring you, and two, that you don't always get means you're setting them big enough. If you always achieved your goals every single time, you're not setting them big enough.

And if you're never ever afraid or you get this scary feeling about your goals, you're not setting them big enough.

Yeah. Even when we work really hard, even when we feel like we deserve it, we're not going to get them all the time. And we're not going to, we may, we may get them eventually. Like we're not going to always get them when we want them.

We're not always going to get them on our timeline. And so I think we need to normalize that a bit more. Like, all we see and all we hear about is the success stories.

Yeah.

Because, you know, we did a similar exercise a few years ago, where we set big scary audacious goals and, you know, I set the goal of running a half marathon which scared the bejesus out of me, but I did that one and yeah I'll talk about that all day long.

I Don't think we talked about when...

you finished like like with some pep in your step, too If I remember correctly you were like Like you were fresh as a daisy at the end of that run.

I don't know that I was fresh as a daisy, but I do run on the balls of my feet. So I always look like I have pep in my step, whether I do or I don't.

But I don't know that we share enough about the goals we set that we don't achieve so that we can normalize those moments of failure. And I feel like we shy away from the word failure a little bit. We all fail. Like we're human beings. If we're setting big enough goals, we're always going to be failing.

As entrepreneurs, we're always going to be failing. Like that's the point. We're going to fail way more than we succeed. And yet we only seem to want to share the successes. I think we need to be sharing more of our failures to, to normalize that we all fail. If we're setting goals big enough, we're going to fail more than we succeed.

Let's share more of the stuff that we fail at. We don't give up. We're not giving up. This is a momentary setback, but we all have them all the time. So let's, let's share them a bit more.

And then the other thing that, that I walked away from this, we've talked about this before in other episodes feel the feelings.

When we try to avoid feeling things. That's when they stick around, that's when we can't shake them, that's when we always have that sort of long term niggling feeling of whatever angst that comes from the bad feelings that we try to avoid. And so, when I was waiting for you to finish, I went behind the lighthouse.

Thankfully there was nobody there, which was great, because it was a lovely view. Like, people were up in the lighthouse, but nobody was on the little bench. I did a little stretching. There was nobody around behind the lighthouse. Everyone was between the lighthouse and the finish line, which I guess is fair, because that's where the snacks were.

That's where all the food is.

That's where you want to be.

So thankfully there was nobody back there, so I had a few minutes to really sit in it for a few minutes, which I think is helpful, because We tend to run away. I couldn't have run away in that moment if I couldn't even walk away. But we tend to wanna run away from when we feel bad.

And so I think it helps to, to give yourself a few minutes to sit in it and just feel it .

I'm just still laughing that you couldn't walk away, you couldn't run away from your, couldn't run away. You couldn't walk away from, couldn't even walk away .

It comes down to being proud of yourself for the effort.

Yeah.

Not the result.

Yeah.

The effort is what's going to get you the result. But if you're proud of the results only, then there's, then you've got nothing to fall back on when you don't actually hit the goal. And like we talked about, you're going to fail more than you succeed. And so you need to be proud of the effort you put forth.

Yeah, I was proud of you. The important thing is that you're proud of yourself, but I was proud of you for various reasons. One, that you even took the challenge, because I know it scared the crap out of you. But you took it, and you showed up every day and did the runs and the training and did everything you could.

And then, that you did absolutely everything you could on the day off. Like, you, Left it all up there. I know how much pain you were in, the struggle you were feeling. I've been there. I've had sore knees running. I know what you were going through. And, you know, seeing that you could barely walk but still ran 22 kilometers that day.

I was really proud that you left everything you could on that course. And then the third thing was, you, made it into Not only a learning opportunity for you, but for anyone else who saw your video when you got vulnerable and shared what you were feeling and what didn't go well for you that day.

Most people wouldn't have done that. I think probably would have just licked their wounds in private and moved on. But you stood up and showed the world. Anyone who's really willing to watch that, you know, this is okay. I didn't do what I wanted to do today. It didn't work out for me the way I wanted, but that's okay.

And here's my truth. I actually think that, it happened the way it happened for a reason, and you know, you were meant to have that video and to get vulnerable and show people that there's a different way of of handling a failure when it comes your way.

I took the video and I was feeling the feelings behind the lighthouse, not obviously with the intention of sharing it.

But when we got home from the run and I was sharing the highlight reel of that day you know, at the starting line, at the finish line when you finished and, you know, sharing all the highlights, it felt insincere. I felt a bit dishonest. I got in the shower and was thinking about it then I got out and it was about an hour or two after I shared all the original pictures I was like I feel like this isn't a complete picture of that day.

And so then I shared it to my stories on Instagram, because those expire in 24 hours. Baby steps. So it was only a 24 hour cycle of that level of vulnerability being out there. But then I had a couple people ask me about it, that they were looking for the video because people had told them, and I was like, Okay, I can be brave again.

And so I posted it in our Facebook group, the Traveling the Road of Life Facebook group. So that's where it lives in perpetuity now. It's there to be accessed. It didn't expire in 24 hours. So yeah, that was, that was also a little bit of a scary moment. I just wanted to, to give an honest view of that day and just normalize failing because we all do it.

Totally. I think that, that you weren't meant to finish that day, you know, for probably this reason, to be honest, for you to go through this situation and to help normalize it. I think that, to your point, it's something that we don't see enough of. And, I was really proud of you.

Thanks, my love.

I guess in the end, I had a few lessons reinforced for me: you're not supposed to achieve all your goals.

Your goals are meant to be big enough that you fail more than you succeed. You need to fail. That's the point. And we need to normalize that. Even when you work hard, even when you think you deserve it, you're not going to achieve your goals every time. And the second thing I had reinforced for me that day is you need to feel your feelings. You just, you need to feel it. I felt it on the run. I felt it after the run.

I felt it when I pressed share. You need to feel it. The third thing that was reinforced for me is you need to be proud of your effort, not your results.

The universe sometimes doesn't care about the level of effort that you put in.

No, the universe doesn't. You do. The important thing is that you do. The universe often does not care about your level of effort on any given day.

Not to say, like, you still have to put in the effort to get your goals, but that doesn't mean that every time you put forth effort that you're going to achieve your goals.

But you do have to put forth effort to get to your goals, if that makes sense.

Yeah, it's putting forth effort is not a guarantee that you will achieve your goals, but not putting forth effort is a guarantee that you will not achieve your goals. Correct.

Even though we're talking about your running, there's a lot of overlap with entrepreneurship here.

Like, it's an analogy for an entrepreneur, for any entrepreneur. It's a, it's a, it's a really great analogy for entrepreneurship: set scary goals, sometimes you'll achieve them, sometimes you will not. Regardless of if you put in massive effort, sometimes you will get it, sometimes you will not. And when you don't, it's okay.

Be proud of the effort that you put in, in doing the thing that you were, you were trying to do. Mm-Hmm. The progress that you made, the person that you became along the way. Mm-Hmm. because you became a different person. Training for that run. And going through that process and through through that challenge, discomfort.

Different person. You became a different person. Mm-Hmm. a better version of you. You didn't achieve the goal. Mm-Hmm. . And that's okay. 'cause next time you will.

And when you put it like that, it's almost the goal isn't the goal. Like finishing the 29k would have been great for sure.

But that's what it's all about, is becoming the person.

Right, so the point was to become the person I became by not achieving the goal.

Yeah, being the type of person who is okay with failing and sharing it with the world and normalizing for other people so that they feel okay when they don't meet a goal, when they fail, and letting them know that that is okay, that they can fail, they do not have to hit their goal every time to still be worthy of being who they are. That they aren't defined by the failure to meet a goal.

And equally not defined by the goals that they do meet. Correct. So you're not defined either way. Your self worth is not dictated or adjusted based on goals you do or do not achieve.

But you became the person that was able to normalize that for people that day by doing what you did that day.

Which I would say is way more valuable to the world.

Than me running 29k. Correct.

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Bye.

Bye.