44. Life After Kids: Rebuilding Your Marriage | Road of Life Podcast

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Episode Transcription

 Welcome back to the road of life podcast with Craig and Meredith. What are we talking about this week, Bennett?

This week we are talking about empty nest and the transition from, Life with kids to life without kids.

Huge transition. We hear it from a lot of couples, clients. It's a tough transition. You spent 15 or 20 or more years of your lives focusing on these kids and keeping these kids alive and giving these kids this life that you imagined for them. And you had a common purpose and it feels like they wake up one morning and realize they don't really know each other anymore.

They've lost that common purpose and they don't really know how to reconnect and get back on the same page because, lots of different reasons but primarily the underlying cause is you've had this common purpose for so long and now it's gone and it has trumped everything else in your life so you've got to get back in those grooves.

Priorities. Yeah. Your priority was the kids and, and maybe marriage fell off to the side a little bit. It wasn't the number one priority and now it's this realization that the kids are now gone and the focus is on you and your partner and your marriage and you realize, huh. This is harder now and it's because that attention wasn't paid throughout.

Right. It's almost like the marriage has come back into a sharp focus when it was kind of blurry in the background before. And, and now because it's so focused, you can see that, wow, this isn't what I thought it was.

The data backs it up. When you start looking at marriage data in the demographics of when kids start to live their own lives and leave home and what that looks like for people who are married.

It's interesting because that demographic that 55 to 64 year old demographic, it's got the highest rate of divorce in the country. In fact, basically every other demographic, the divorce stats are going down and it is going up and it's doubled in the last 30 years or so for that particular demographic.

And when you really dig into it, it's like, I don't know, one in three divorced people are over the age of 50 and one in four over the age of 55. Like it's, it's, it's a really big transition for people that is causing a lot of difficulty in their marriages. And it's, it's the root cause of a lot of divorce at that, at that age.

Yeah. And the toll it would take. You're at an age where you're looking at retirement. You're looking at your second half of your life and what you've planned for the experiences you've envisioned as you've been going through building a family, working at your career and ready to retire.

You have this vision of what your second half of your life looks like and then the kids go off to college or go and live their lives. Your marriage comes into focus and you realize you're not happy in it and it sets everything else into chaos. Like you're not sure what that means for you anymore.

That's, that's super scary.

Yeah. The emotional and financial implications at that stage of your life, cause you've accumulated a lot more by that age and stage of life. And then, so the financial implications especially are Significantly more at that in that demographic than in younger demographics.

Not only that, yeah, that, but also the, the emotional component of, of now you start to think, Hmm, am I, am I so unhappy that I'm going to start over and what does that look like? And like, Oh my God, I'm in my fifties or sixties or whatever. And like, What's the dating world look like for, for me, like technology, that everything has changed.

Do I want to, do I want to do that? And it's, and then you start to think about, well, if I don't do that, then I'm alone. And do I want to, do I want to have the second half of my life be alone? And it's just this really weird feeling that you have of, Oh my goodness. is my life completely a 180 from what I thought it was going to be.

And that is just such a scary, uncomfortable feeling.

Oh, terrifying for sure.

Yeah.

Because you know, back to the data, they call this, this particular phenomenon, a great divorce. And the statistics are on the financial implications of that is your wealth. Is divided into like 50 percent reduction in your wealth.

If you, if you divorce after the age of 55

and with very little runway to recapture it. If you divorce in your twenties or thirties, it's a, it's a hit, but you have more runway to then recover and still get back on track to that vision you have for your life after. But. 60,

65, it becomes a lot more challenging to

rebuild.

Yeah, exactly. And this is like our stories our parents were in their late forties. And I was leaving when my parents divorced, I was leaving for college. It was at the, I was around 18, 19, around that age. So my parents split up and in some ways they're still recovering from that.

Like it's, it's over 20 years ago, but both of their retirements, both of their second half of their lives have been significantly impacted by that. It's not everything they originally thought it would be.

Yeah, and the same goes for my parents. I was in my early twenties. I had younger sisters who were mid to late teens.

All of us either In university or approaching the age where we're living our own lives and leaving the house and, and my parents went through the same thing, late forties, early fifties, I guess. And still dealing with the implications of what they thought their retirement years would look like and the plans they had put in place for those retirement years that just got completely blown up and it's just not at all what they expected it was going to be when they got to this age. And same, I'm sure for your grandmother.

Yeah. I have grandparents that divorced. I think my mom had had just gotten married. and was about to have me and my grandparents split up and my grandmother still has never, I think, fully recovered.

My grandfather since passed, he moved on and had a different life, but it was not what it would have been. And my grandmother still, I don't think has emotionally recovered from that though she's stubborn and would never very

independently, very

independent. And she would probably fight me on this, but I think there's some emotional

residual, yeah,

going on there.

So, yeah, I just, I, I've seen it firsthand, the devastation that a later in life divorce can cause.

Yeah, it was the most painful experience of my life as an early 20 year old watching my parents go through it and then experiencing the next 20 years watching from a distance, them navigate it. It was a, it's really difficult.

I think that's the other thing too is like when people go through a divorce after years and years of marriage as the kids are leaving the nest. I think the thought process or part of it is, is that all the kids will be fine. The kids they're older now. They understand it won't have as much of an impact, but that's not true.

It still impacts the kids no matter what age

we understand it more for sure. Yeah.

Well obviously we're not eight years old and we're wondering why dad isn't home or mom isn't home to take us to soccer practice and why they can't be together and all that. Totally. But it still has an impact on adult kids and kids going away to university and it impacts them when they go off to university.

They're going to be thinking about their parents like it's going to have knock on effects.

For sure.

It did for me.

It did for me too. You know, it wasn't just. You know, my dad and my mom splitting, right? It was my dad left and he felt like he left all of us. Even though you're older and you understand it, like they're their own people and it's doesn't necessarily have anything to do with me specifically.

Whereas younger kids believe it's their fault more often. It's still, it still feels like, It's something directed at you. it is something that you're experiencing your world is is shook up It's a snow globe. It's it's difficult for sure and it's taken a lot of work to to process that and work through all of the emotions Associated with that and get on the other side of it.

That's part of the reason why this this particular Demographic group People is so important for me, for us to be able to help because we've lived it and it's tough. And I know it's because I saw my parents, I know it's tough to live through it, you know, going through the divorce as the people going through the divorce, but it's also tough for the kids.

And if we can help anyone not have to go through that, then that's the goal.

We're talking about the divorce and the impact it has on people, the people going through the divorce, but also the kids, and subsequent generations and the knock on effects in people are in, in the, in that general orbit.

But the cool thing is, is it doesn't have to be that way. The kids are moving out. Now the focus is on us and our marriage.

It's usually that some of the little things that used to happen early days in the marriage stopped fell off because of kids and life

And

that's nobody's fault. There's no finger pointing. There's no judgment. It's just how do we get back to reprioritizing us and making sure that we're in a good place that we can now

have our

second life that we had planned Yeah

Part of it is rediscovering the things you used to do and bringing those back and the other part is what are the new things that you can do together to build the bond together so you can go forward into the next chapter of your lives, whether that's retirement or it's not, whatever, whatever your next chapter is, the kids are gone.

It's the two of you. How do you step into that next chapter together?

Yeah. And I think one of the most important things is one, recognizing that that's, that's the problem is that now that the kids are gone, I'm unhappy. Why am I unhappy? It's, it's looking at, The relationship and looking at your part in that relationship and the fact that you are still an individual in that relationship and we're not relying on another person to make us happy, right?

We have to make sure that we're fulfilling our own needs. Yeah.

The first step is one is to really go inward on yourself, your own personal growth, your own needs, desires, wants, make sure one, you know what those are. And two, if there's something you're not getting from the relationship that you're able to communicate those wants, needs, and desires to your spouse.

And then after that, it's focusing on the relationship itself. What are the, what are the strategies? What are the tactics? What are the things?

How do I have that conversation? Like we haven't been able to get on the same page. The only thing we've talked about for the last 15 years is who's picking up the kids.

What's for dinner. Who's doing this? Can you pick up my drive? Like stuff like that. And, and, and it's the, gee, you know, I'd really love to pursue whatever, you know. Pick something.

Pottery.

Yeah. I've always wanted to be a potter. Would you like to take a class with me? I would love to be able to do this together.

Let's go explore. Like just understanding what it is you want, need, like maybe your creative side has been neglected for years because you've never had time to pick up pottery because you've always been running your kids to every soccer practice and hockey and football and basketball and dance and all the acting and stuff, and you never got a chance to really pursue your own passions.

Well, now's your time and to have those conversations.

One of the biggest things in a relationship that falls by the wayside is intimacy. We hear it all the time. We have no intimacy. We haven't been intimate. And I don't mean physically that too, but yes, that too, but there's lots of different types of intimacy physical, emotional, mental, all the above.

How do we get that back?

Mm

hmm. And it starts with questions, talking, asking questions, getting deeper with each other, getting to know the person because for all intents and purposes for the last X number of years, 15, 20 years,

it's been on the surface. You haven't,

yeah, you haven't really kept up with knowing who your person is and what they want, need and desire.

So one is communicating yours, but also learning theirs. And that starts with questions. A deep conversation,

letting them in. Like literally having a conversation and it's scary, but having a conversation about how you're feeling right now, what you're afraid of based on the way things are right now, what you want it to be, how you see the future.

Yeah. Let them in. I'm literally worried about our future together. Are the second half of the life that we've been through. been planning for, I'm worried that that's not sustainable given where we are now and having the conversation of, I would really love us to be able to reconnect on that level that we used to have or even better and, and move forward in life to get to that.

And that

first conversation, that first one where you let them in after this time when you're feeling like this, it is. Brutally scary. Yeah, it's scary. But the more often you do it, the less scary it is. Having a conversation like this. Every week, like every Sunday morning or, you know, touch point.

Yeah, like a, like a planned conversation where we're going to make sure we're on the same page, finishing up the week and starting the next week. You know, a marriage summit or a state of your union or something like that, where you know you're on the same page, you're debriefing on the week, you're going into the next week.

Making sure that all fears, all hopes, dreams, desires, everything's on the table and that's an open line of communication between you. And that takes regularity that needs to happen on a weekly, monthly basis for sure. But on the more even regular than that, the daily basis are the check in questions, you know, the debrief on the day, what was the best part of your day?

What was the most fun thing you did today? What did you learn today? You know, those, really specific questions to get a really specific answer is what prompts a meaningful conversation.

Go deeper than the surface level stuff that we a lot of times default to. When you ask,

when you ask how was your day, you're going to get a fine or good.

And that's not the answer you want.

What was the best part of your day?

It's going to get you a more thoughtful answer because it's a more specific question.

And then I think the third or the next step once we've gotten to that point is Let's start re injecting fun and adventure into the marriage because what are we doing this all for if it's not to have fun?

Like, If you're not having fun, all the rest of it, you're just going to, you're not going to put in the effort. It's all going to fall by the wayside because you know, we're wired to have a good time. We're looking for fun and joy and happiness. And when we're no longer getting that from the relationships, we tend to pull back from them and then all bets are off.

It's, it's going to go south.

Plus fun really is the foundation for communication, for trust, for intimacy, for connection. And so not only Is fun what we're doing it for so that we can have fun and continue to put the work in because we're willing to put the effort in when things are fun. But fun also is the foundation for all of those other key components to your relationship.

So it, it really is the small hinge that opens the big door.

And then the last component that will supercharge all of is having that shared common vision, getting aligned on what are both of your visions for the future? Mm-Hmm.

that you're embarking on this next chapter.

Yeah.

What does this chapter look like for both of you?

Yeah. And be, and just because it looked a certain way years ago when you last discussed it.

Mm-Hmm.

does not mean that both of you have that same vision now.

Mm-Hmm. .

So it's really critical to understand one, what's yours Because it might have changed since the last time you did this kind of exercise For sure.

Of understanding what it is you want. So one is understand what you want to understand what your partner wants the future to be and then three get those two visions aligned into one common shared vision and Just start working together on Achieving that vision. So, you know, I want to Travel more. Okay.

Well, what does that look like ? I also want to travel more. Okay Do we want to travel to the same places? Perfect. Let's go. What's the first step we can take towards building towards that

because I think that's where I think The this part is a little bit fun, right?

What do we what do we want this next chapter to look like? Like I want to do this and I want to do this and I want to do this Okay, let's put it together and figure it out And I think a lot of people leave it there, like your bucket list, your North Star, you at least know what you're doing it all for, you can see it off in the distance.

But if you don't take the next step after that, which is actually start trying to live it, start trying to implement it, what's the lowest hanging fruit of that North Star? What's the first thing you can implement to feel like you're making progress towards that dream life, towards that vision for this chapter of your life?

And once you can start taking one step after the other and then feel like you're bringing that vision to reality and building momentum towards that dream life, that's where life really take turns that corner. That's where you start to feel really connected. Like we're doing this, there's nothing we can't do.

This, this is bulletproof. Now we're working towards this North star. We've got our eyes on the prize and we're doing it together. That's, that's the game changer for sure.

And when you have that shared common vision and things happen, like mistakes happen, we're all human beings, we make mistakes, or we just have different visions of how we're going to get there.

And we disagree on something. Then at least there's a little bit of grace, empathy and grace and understanding that we're on the same team and we're going towards that same goal. So I know that she or he is doing their absolute best. And we didn't hit the mark this time, but I'm, I'm not going to let that like in the past, like it would have been the past bother me or turn into something or blame or cascade into something bigger than it is.

I'm going to understand that it is what it is and we are still, driving towards this, this North star that we want to achieve. And so it just offers a little bit more empathy and grace and compassion. And it's just, it's a game changer for your relationship.

Yeah. The last thing we should touch on before we wrap this up are myths. There are a lot of myths floating around like I think we're Fed some lies, you know over the years through society that we've adopted as normal Accepted as true and I think we should bust a few of those. Yeah, we

finish up. Yeah, I agree I think a lot of people think that when you're together for so long and you've raised a family and that family goes off to do, do their own thing, work, college careers, families of their own, that we've been together so long it's just normal to drift apart. Where we are right now is where most people are and it's completely normal. And while that might be true that a lot of people are in that place, that does not mean it's normal. From the perspective of that, it has to be that way.

Correct. Same with sex drive decreasing as you age.

I think that's something we hear, oh, that's normal. It's normal for your sex drive to go down as you get older. That does not have to be the case. That does not have to be true for you.

Yeah, if you are intentional about your marriage, you prioritize your marriage, and you are doing the things that light your person up, you meet their needs, wants, and desires, and they're meeting yours, then you're both going to want to be more affectionate, more intimate, intimate, touching each other, more physical touch, more all of that stuff.

So yeah, I agree. It's it's not something that has to be the case.

I think you also hear, well, it's normal for the kids to come between you. It's normal for you to prioritize the kids over your marriage. That's normal. It's normal for your marriage to take a backseat to your kids. And while that may be common, again to your point, it's not normal.

you don't have to put your marriage in the back seat to your kids every moment, every hour of every single day. if you can dedicate a couple of hours a week to put your marriage first, just a couple of hours a week out of all the hours in a week to put your marriage first, that's going to pay dividends 15, 20 years down the road when the kids are actually gone.

Another big one I think is it's too late for us now. It's too late to change this. We are who we are. We're in our fifties. We're in our late forties when our sixties, whatever it is, we are who we are. This is, this is our lot in life. This is not going to change and it's just not the case. It's just simply not true, correct?

That anyone can change at any time. Your marriage can change at any time. That's not all it takes literally is a decision to say enough is enough. A decision to, I'm committed. I'm not accepting this. I deserve better than this.

I want better than this. I'm going after better than this and just committing to it and changing. I say it like it's very easy. It's. It's not. It's simple. It's a simple decision. It's simple, but it takes a little bit of effort. Not gonna lie. But it is very doable at any age. Very doable. It's just how committed are you to it?

Yeah.

Those are the biggest myths

I think there's one more. Once the kids are gone, the connection will just come back. Like, now that the distraction has been removed from our marriage, the marriage will just bounce back to the way it was 15 or 20 years ago.

But we know that habits are hardwired. When you go through 15 to 20 years of prioritizing the kids and not prioritizing your marriage, it's going to take an intentional effort to get back to prioritizing it. It's not just going to happen. Yeah,

you're not going to get an extraordinary result unless you make an extraordinary change or take extraordinary action.

You need to make a decision and take the action if you want something different. The connection that bond between you does not just bounce back because the kids have left. It's going to take a little bit of effort, right.

So I think those are the biggest myths that we wanted to bust or to talk about.

And really at the end of the day, what we're saying is, is that it's never too late. There's always an opportunity to change, to get the marriage you want. And if you're in that age group, you know, 45 plus, and you're, you know, staring down the the, the reality of kids leaving the nest and living their own lives.

And you feel as though marriage or your life after kids isn't exactly the way you want it to be. You can still have that. You can still have that dream vision that you had years ago.

And the first thing you can do to get that is join our Facebook group facebook. com Forward slash groups forward slash Meredith and Craig because that's where we're we're going live or engaging. We're we're in there

and it's a group specifically for it's marriage reconnection for empty nesters. So it's for people who are in that 45 plus who are staring down the reality of their kids leaving the house and not sure if their marriage can withstand the second half and everything that they've built up to now is potentially at risk. And we're here to say that doesn't have to be the case. Join our group, come to the party and let's help change that.

Yeah, there's a group full of people who are trying to do just that. So come get the support, the accountability, the celebration, the momentum. We're building it all in there.

And keep in mind that what you're going through is a very common thing, but what's not common is that most people will just let that keep going.

They'll, they won't take the action or they won't do the thing necessary to get themselves out of that situation. But if you're listening to a podcast, you're that you're a different type of person. You're the type of person that does take information, do something with it and change your perspective.

You're learning, you're growing,

you're changing your life.

And so just take that extra step now and really start to prioritize your marriage so that that second half, that vision that you had for yourself, that second half of your life vision is still very much a possibility.

It's a reality. It's a possibility if you do the things to get there.

So, if you got any value from this episode, we would love it if you'd share this episode with a friend who might also get some value from it. And on that note, we will see you next week.

Bye for now.

Bye.