46. Marriage isn't hard (we overcomplicate it) | Road of Life Podcast

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Episode Transcription

Welcome back to the Road of Life podcast with Meredith and Craig. What are we talking about this week, Bennett?

We're talking about how marriage, It's not that complicated.

Yeah. It's a bit of a hard truth, maybe, a bold truth

I don't think everyone buys that yet.

No.

But we're going to make the case today.

We're going to tell why it's really not that complicated. We overcomplicate it.

Because we hear a lot, Relationships are hard. Marriage is hard. And part of it is that we're overcomplicating it. And part of it is that's just what we Learn. We hear it over and over, therefore it must be true.

We almost buy into the story that relationships and marriage have to be difficult when in fact the opposite can be true. It, it, marriage is not that hard. It's very simple. In fact, it's us. It's human beings who overcomplicate marriage and make it feel really hard sometimes.

Let's talk about why people think that marriage is hard. is so complicated. one of the reasons is that we don't do ourselves any favor. A lot Of the time when something small happens in a relationship, we'd prefer to just sweep that little thing under the rug and not deal with it in the moment because that seems uncomfortable or difficult or hard or complicated.

When in reality, it's something very small. And if we just dealt with it in the moment, it would be done, dealt with. But when you sweep it under the rug, it eventually comes back around later, bigger, worse than it actually was, compounded with other things that have happened since, or the thing that you're dealing with in the moment.

And so now it's just a bigger thing then had you dealt with it in the first place? So I think that's one of the reasons why a lot of times we think marriage is so complicated.

Because we trade in that short term discomfort because we don't want to deal with it.

We don't want to be uncomfortable as humans. We just don't like being uncomfortable. So we avoid that discomfort of having to deal with that thing in the moment in favor of what we think is going to be comfort. But really, it's almost like slightly milder discomfort, but over a much longer period of time until it

becomes a lot more discomfort

and then it's hugely uncomfortable.

We've traded in that momentary short term discomfort for a lot of discomfort later. And we do that over and over and over.

We just don't do ourselves any favors. We're human beings. You're right. We're like wired for comfort.

Yeah.

Little do we know that we're actually setting ourselves up for way more discomfort long term.

Totally.

And so I think if we just re Program? Yeah, just thought about that a little bit differently and dealt with the issues as they come up. Mm hmm. We would save ourselves a lot of problems down the line and a lot more complicated, bigger issues down the line.

Yeah. I think another reason we overcomplicate it is we expect the other person or spouse or whoever in the relationship to be able to read our minds and give us exactly what we need.

It's just impossible. None of us are mind readers and expecting that just because you love me enough, you should know exactly how to love me and what I need and be all things to me and be able to make me happy is, setting all of us up for failure.

Yeah, It kind of goes back to what we just talked about a little bit in that sometimes it's uncomfortable to tell people what you want and what you need and how to love you and what it is you need in that moment.

So you don't. Yeah. And you sometimes maybe we'll drop a hint or do you know what I mean? Like maybe you'll drop hints or you'll, you'll communicate it in a way, not outwardly communicate it like directly, but in your way you'll communicate it. But Yeah. The other person didn't pick it up and then there's a resentment that builds there that, Oh, like I told him, but, but you didn't actually, you didn't actually, you dropped a hint that he didn't get and now you're upset about it or vice versa.

If you just come out and say, What it is that you need in that moment as uncomfortable as that is again short term discomfort long term comfort If you had just said it you would save yourself so much

Because also if I am clear and explicit with you and not expect you to read my mind on what I need and what I want And how I want to be loved and all of those things Then I'm actually going to get that from you.

Yeah. I'm gonna feel fulfilled and satisfied in our relationship because you're gonna know how to engage with me better than you just fumbling around in the dark trying to figure it out with no direction. And then when you are clear with me on what you need and I can give that to you, then we both feel comfortable and confident in this relationship because we're getting what we need from it.

Because we've told the person who loves us what we need and they are going to want to try and give it to us when they can. And so, just that being clear and not expecting too much. you to read my mind and not expecting you to be all things to me. Like my happiness does not hinge on you. I cannot depend on you to make me happy.

And I think that's something else that we, that we do sort of unconsciously or subconsciously is expect our spouse to make us happy.

Yeah. Happiness is an inside job.

Totally.

It's an inside job. It starts with you. It ends with you. It's all about. You, you have to be happy with yourself.

You have to make yourself happy and then you go into the relationship as a happy, fulfilled individual.

Cause that's what a happy marriage is, is two happy people together in a marriage. Not depending on the other to make them happy. And one other thing that we do that tends to overcomplicate our relationships, and it's a human tendency, but we focus on the negative.

Instead of being explicitly grateful for all of the great things in our life and in our marriage, we tend to focus on the couple of negative things. And we make them mean stuff. We're meaning making machines. So when you forget to take the garbage out, and I suddenly start questioning your commitment to me and to our marriage, like, that's a big leap.

And when you say it out loud, it seems silly, but it's not uncommon for us to make those leaps in our head. if he actually cared and knows how busy it's been and knows how, whatever, he would have taken this garbage out and he didn't, so he obviously doesn't care. We tend to cascade on the negative things rather than seeing it for what it is.

He's busy too. He forgot to take the garbage out.

It's the end of the world. I'm just going to take it and deal with it. It stinks and I don't need it in here anymore for the next five minutes, hours, whatever. Totally. But while he gets his stuff together, so I'm just going to take it out.

And meanwhile in my head, I'm going to try and run through all the reasons I'm grateful for my life, for you, for our marriage, because that's going to reframe my swirling of the drain when I get upset.

Those are some of the ways that we tend to make things more complicated because once we've done that, once we've like cascaded that negativity and now we've built this huge thing in our head, then again we haven't communicated. Like I'm expecting you to read my mind that you know that I think that you're not taking out the garbage means that you're one foot out the door on this marriage.

You don't know that I think that, so the next thing you do that doesn't meet my unexpressed expectations is really gonna probably blow into something.

Yeah. Set you off. You're going to react as if the marriage is ending because that's what you've set up in your mind. I know nothing about what's going on in this up in your head.

And you come at me with that, that elevated emotion and it will bring me to that level. And now you've got two people at this elevated emotion and you're just trying to out emotion each other. And it just avalanches and snowballs into this big argument, this big fight when had you in the first instance you had found the garbage not being taken out, just taking it out and just mentioned it to me, Hey, just, I took it out.

No big deal. But you mentioned you were going to take it. Could you be mindful of that next time? Like it doesn't have to be. World War ii. Totally. Or a, or a big battle, right? Yeah. It's just I did it. No big deal. But what I need from you in the future is if you could remember in the future to do this.

Yeah.

Try your best.

Those are four or five of the ways that we make it harder than it needs to be.

Yeah.

Like it doesn't have to be this hard. We're making it that hard. Yeah. So let's flip it. How, you know, what are, what are the, what's the evidence to support our thesis statement at the beginning here that we said marriage actually isn't that hard.

What makes it so simple?

There's just simple things you can do daily every day consistently that will eliminate all the things we just talked about. So we've talked about some of them along the way is one is take care of your own happiness.

Yeah. focus on you, be the best version of you.

Focus on your own happiness.

So that's whatever that means for you. But there are, and we've talked about it in other podcasts, there's four very simple things you can do to create happiness very quickly.

I'll put that episode in the show notes for more info.

Yeah. And just quickly, we'll just summarize, we won't go into detail on them, but just summarize the four things is get out in nature, 15 minute walk, brisk walk.

Two, breathing exercise.

Okay.

Take a minute and just breathe deep.

Breathe in and out. That's not, that's not complicated. Nope. Three, show appreciation for someone. Send them appreciation texts.

Which side note, since we're talking about your marriage, show some appreciation for your spouse. Spouse will work. Kids will work.

Text them, leave them a strategically placed post it note, call them on the phone, tell them in person, just be there. Just show appreciation every day.

And four, think about the things that are going well in your life and be grateful for all of the positives, all of the blessings, all of the good in your life.

And bonus

points if you share that with your spouse, all your gratitudes.

Yeah. So those are four things that'll, that'll, if you do those things that'll inherently make you happier as a person. Take care of you, do yoga, do a run, a walk, whatever your hobby is, spend some time doing that. Mhm. So that's one of taking care of yourself and your happiness.

We also talked about communication. Being explicit in what you need, what you want, not expecting you to read my mind. Checking in. Like actually having a conversation at the end of your day. What was the best part of your day? What made you smile today? What, something really specific to get a conversation going where then you both feel like you've been included in each other's day. And the other is a connection conversation. Preferably weekly, but a conversation where you share what you need.

What's going on with you? What issues are you dealing with? What's keeping you up at night? What you're afraid of? What your goals are? What, what, what? Literally letting them in on what's going on with you. And if you do it weekly, then you're aligned to start the next week, and you're caught up, and you're, you're on the same page with the previous week, and then you're connected moving forward.

Keeping those lines of communication open, so that you're not off in your head making up stories that your spouse knows nothing about, and that will eventually blow.

So right there we've talked about enjoy your hobbies, breathe, go for a walk, write down some things that you're grateful for, share them with your spouse, and appreciate your spouse for something they've done for you.

Mm hmm. And have a conversation with them. Ask them some questions about their day.

Mm hmm.

And check in with them weekly. Those are not complicated things.

Nope. You know something else that's not complicated? Saying thank you. I'm not convinced that the thank you's aren't one of the very first things that go when you get complacent and get into your relationship and get into your routines the thank you's for the little things that happen all day that you have stopped even noticing.

That's a big one. And it's super simple.

So saying thank you's not very complicated. We've just named eight things that you can do right now right now. None of them are very complicated. And if you did all of those things consistently, not just once, not just once and never do it again, but consistently every day and they take very little time, you will be a happier person.

You will be communicating more regularly with your spouse. They will feel seen, heard, and valued. You will feel seen, valued, and heard. How does that not make for a happier, better marriage?

It sure does.

Marriage is not that complicated. We over complicate it.

Well, really, it comes down to treating others the way you want to be treated.

Treating your spouse the way you want to be treated.

It's the golden rule. We learned it in kindergarten. It applies everywhere. In all relationships. Especially your marriage.

One other thing I think, we'll give them a 9th one because that's a nice square number. Taking accountability. most of us feel like I'm accountable for half of my marriage and you're accountable for the other half of our marriage.

Yeah, yeah.

If you each took 100 percent accountability instead of trying to figure out which 50 percent is yours and which 50 percent is mine.

If I took 100 percent accountability for the state of our marriage, how different that would be instead of me waiting for you to take your step and then I'll take my step in response and then this and then this and then this. If I take 100 percent accountability for the state of our marriage, I'm going to act differently than if I'm depending on 50 percent for your accountability and 50 percent of mine.

I'm waiting to, you know, Waiting for you to do your thing so that I can then do my thing. Yeah.

I'm not apologizing for that because that's his responsibility. He's going to apologize where if you just apologize, it's more likely that the other person will too. Yeah. If you take that leadership role and just be the first, go first.

Leaders go first. Be brave. Be brave. And then the other person likely will say, you know what? I screwed up too. Like I had a part in that. And so now you've both taken 100 percent responsibility. Totally, totally true.

So 100 percent accountability is key. probably the like sneaky secret to all of this is not waiting for your spouse to take the first step or to do the thing that you think they need to do.

You take 100 percent accountability and like it will transform your marriage and how you view your marriage.

Totally. Hundo P, McKay, as we like to say. Hundo P. That's 100 percent for those of you who aren't, aren't quite yet hip to the millennial lingo.

So even if you just pick one of those nine things,

it's a start. That's it. That's it. Just do one this week, do one next week, do one the week after that. Do, do one every so often, but do them consistently and stack them on top of each other. And you will have a marriage completely different, transformed, completely different than where it is today.

That, and it actually feels simple and easy. Life feels easier when your marriage is working.

Yeah. Then you have more energy to put towards all other areas of your life, your health, your career. You'll have better sleep. You'll be up at night worrying about your relationship and where it's going.

You'll sleep better. You'll have better energy.

Mm hmm.

You'll probably have more sex.

You'll have, you'll have more sex.

You'll have more energy to put toward building your dream life, your goals, the dreams that you want to attain. it's a hack and it just starts with simple little daily things and it's not complicated.

I think we've made our case.

I think we've made our case too. If you think you've made our case and it's been valuable for you, We would be super honored if you would share this episode with a friend who might also find it valuable.

That's it for this week. We will catch you next week.

Bye for now.

Bye