Listen Now

Episode Transcription

  Welcome back to another episode of the Road to Life podcast with Meredith and Craig. What

do we got this week, okay? We are talking about superpowers this week. Actually, more like the opposite of superpowers once we get going, but what we're actually talking about is mind reading.

It's funny because when I was a kid, you know how, like when you're kids, you always dream about your superpower and you get asked ,

what would be the superpower , if you could have one? And when I was early, early on in my life, it was always, I'd want to fly. And then when I evolved and started thinking more about it, I always thought, Hmm, I think mind reading would be a really cool superpower. I would love to be able to read people's minds whenever I want it.

And then as I evolved even further, I started to realize that, wait, Be careful what you wish for because that could be a dangerous game. Learning what's going on in people. I just know what's going on in my own mind half the time. And it's like nonsense sometimes the voices and the crazy thoughts and stuff.

So you would get all of that. And plus you might, it's none of your business. What's going on in other people's minds and you might not like what you see or hear.

Totally. I was the same for a while when I was growing up. I thought mind reading would be the coolest thing. Superpower.

Yeah. And then as I've evolved, I've realized it's not a superpower at all.

It's not something that I want.

No.

I've probably referred it back to flying. Maybe. Actually, I think the greatest superpower is being the ability to communicate.

Yeah.

And so I think that that actually would be my superpower,

I don't know. I like to be our dream. Do you need teleport and be anywhere I wanted to be exactly when I wanted to be there.

That would be cool too. That's a good one.

Back to mind reading and, kind of a bit of an aside actually based on what you said, what's going through our mind. If anyone knew the thoughts, because there's so many thoughts going through your head all the time, all day, every day. And most of them are not actually aligned with you, your values, your beliefs, your actions, your intentions.

Some of the thoughts, they're just flying around up there and they're not actually what you believe. So it's almost like. God, no one can read my mind because they'd be probably offended. And I don't actually feel that way about most people.

And they think you're absolutely crazy because of all the crazy thoughts that are going on.

And they actually wouldn't get a true representation of who you really truly are, but I think they would.

Correct.

And then they would act differently around you.

Yeah, they would. Most people, I think, On the surface, believe that if I could read your mind and I knew all your thoughts, I would know exactly what you were actually like.

And I think nothing could be further from the truth. Because my thoughts are not an accurate representation of me, the human being. They're the nonsense that cycles through there that I'm trying to change or redirect or divert somewhere else. There's a lot of nonsense going on up there that I'm working on, but it's not a true representation of me as a human.

So just to clear that sidebar up right away, that , we are not our thoughts. And if someone could read our mind, that would be a really big problem.

Scary proposition,

right? And so you don't want people reading your mind, nor do you want to read other people's minds. And yet somehow, in relationships, especially in marriage, We just sort of get to the point that we expect the other person to read our mind.

I, we've been together long enough or we're aligned enough. We're in sync enough. We love each other enough. You must be able to just know what I'm thinking and do what I need. Meet my expectations without me ever having to communicate them. Go.,

it sounds

silly when you say it, but that that's essentially what we do a lot at a time.

, it is. It's crazy , and it's something that I think We see a lot of is, the breakdown in communication and the expectation that, well, they should just know, , I shouldn't have to implicitly tell somebody what I need or what I want in this moment, because we, like, to your point, we've been together long enough.

We've been through the, the wars in the trenches. They know who I am and what I'm all about. And they know the next step or the thing they need to do. And that will help make me happy. I guess, I don't know. It's just. It's, it's a bizarre approach to relationships.

I almost think we were led a little astray by romantic comedies over the years in many ways.

But in this one in particular, there's almost as happily ever after vibe that if you love me enough, you should just know what I need and know how to love me. And I shouldn't have to communicate that to you explicitly

because that's not very romantic. And that's just setting both of you up for failure.

Okay. Thank you. You've got , all these, uncommunicated expectations about what you need to feel loved and, feel included in this relationship. And , I never share them with you. You don't know them.

So, I guess actually then , that superpower I talked about earlier that I actually think is a superpower, communication

is

the actual superpower.

Yeah.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Correct. Yeah. Imagine how much easier it would be if you told me exactly what you need when you needed it, or even in advance if you knew it sometimes, and were very clear with me the expectations that you had, whether it was for the day or the week or the situation at hand.

Like, Hey, we're walking into this situation here and this is what I need from you. Can you help me do this X, Y, Z thing by doing ABC action? And I'm like, yeah, I got you. As opposed to we're walking into this situation and you're like, Oh, she knows And i'm like no idea

turns into a disaster and then you blame You know, you didn't show up for me in the way.

I needed you to and it's like well I wasn't giving my marketing orders. I wasn't explained anything Yeah, so how would I know

and it breeds resentment it breeds scorekeeping it definitely just Leads to regular conflict when there's uncommunicated expectations.

So then mind reading obviously not a superpower and we don't want it to be communication is a superpower. We need to be able to effectively express our needs, wants, desires, all that stuff. So how would someone go about that? Like . I don't know how to do that.

How would I do that?

Well, it's going to start with a little bit of courage because it's going to feel a bit outside of your normal. It's going to feel a little bit awkward and uncomfortable in the beginning. So I think, first of all, being willing to be a little bit uncomfortable and embracing that discomfort is the, is the first step.

Another superpower, by the way.

Definitely another superpower in relationships. Courage is another superpower. Courage, vulnerability, willingness to embrace discomfort actually is probably the single most important skill in any relationship, but especially in a marriage. So, that's the first part.

The second part is being clear, with yourself first. What is it that I actually need from my spouse or that person in the relationship? So first in your own head or on a piece of paper, even better. Cause when you can write stuff down, it makes it so much clearer. What is it that I actually need? What needs of mine aren't being met? What's coming up this week where I'm going to need help and getting really clear in your own mind first. It

really is critical because I think a lot of times people are upset that the mind reading hasn't happened, that my spouse didn't show up for me in the way I needed them to. Okay. But if you really got honest and went within, you actually don't know exactly what it is that you need and want yourself because I think most people don't do that in our work to understand what it is that they truly need and want and then, getting aligned with that and then expressing that to the other person.

Yeah. And there is a little bit of magic in writing stuff down like by hand, pen and paper, old school notes in your phone are great notes on your computer are great, but there is a little bit more magic when you handwrite something down and it , helps you organize your thoughts a little bit better because it turns on certain areas of the brain that help you do that better.

So it actually handwriting stuff helps you Organize your thoughts a little better. So once you can organize your own thoughts and understand what it is you actually need, whether that's day to day in your relationship, if there's something that you're not getting from your spouse or from the person you're in a relationship with being clear on what is the thing that I feel like I'm missing in this relationship so that you can clearly communicate that.

Or if you're walking into a specific situation, like we're going to go to a Christmas market next week and I'm going to need you to come with me and Pretend to enjoy it and not complain about it. And you know, what, whatever it is

is, are you setting me up right now? Are we going to a Christmas party?

Please tell me we're not. I, this is not my thing.

Not

next week, but soon,

maybe soon.

All right. Well,

but, all jokes aside, that being that clear first with yourself so that you can then express that to your partner about this, this is what I need. Okay. Today in this situation or daily in our relationship

Love it

I just want to circle back to the Uncommunicated expectations because it's this is a big thing in marriage, but it's a big thing in every relationship that We put expectations on everybody that we engage with in our, in our life, whether it's a colleague at work, whether it's a business partner, whether it's your mother, your sister, your spouse, your everyone in your life, you have an expectation for how they're going to act.

And having expectations of other people is a great way to be disappointed.

Yeah. So let's dig into that in a future episode. Yeah. Stay tuned for that one. The last thing I want to say, one really tactical tool to leave people with that they can use, besides what we talked about before, about getting really clear with yourself, writing it down, figuring it out for you and then being brave and communicating that clearly, is asking the question of your spouse, because not only is the expectation on you to communicate what you need to your spouse, but it's also on you to ask your spouse for what they need. , when we talk about a hundred percent accountability, a hundred percent responsibility in your marriage and having a 200 percent marriage, you're 100 percent accountable for this situation. So you are one, I am 100 percent accountable to tell you what I need, but I'm also accountable to ask you, for what you need.

And I'm also accountable to tell you what I need and ask you what you need. Correct. But we're all human beings and we make mistakes. So when one person doesn't do the thing, either ask or own their own stuff, the other person's there as a backup to doing

what needs to be done.

Fill in that blank. Yeah. And so the, the one question that's really helpful in this particular situation, To help get started with this when you're asking for what they need rather than just walking in and being like Bennett. What do you need? Sometimes

that tone might not work either

but starting with like what can I do to make you feel loved today or this week like Having that as part of your weekly connection conversation or your daily check in or your morning check in What can I do to make you feel loved

and the daily check in and the the connection questions and the difficult conversation?

Those are all past episodes that we've done So those are all we'll link those in the show notes so that someone can go back and and get the tactical stuff For how to prepare for and engage in that difficult conversation.

Yeah I don't know if we don't a check in conversation.

Have we not done that

yet?

We should we'll put that on the list too.

Yeah If that hasn't been done, then

all kinds of ideas coming out in this episode for future episodes.

And that will be one of the episodes coming up.

. But suffice it to say for now, starting with the question, what can I do to make you feel loved today, tomorrow, this week, asking that question of your spouse so that you can then offer them what they need to feel loved.

Add a little bit to their love tank.

Deposits in the love tank. Always a good idea.

Okay. So now, now that we're wrapping up this episode. What's the one thing you're going to do differently based on this episode? Your one big takeaway, your one action item, what's the one thing you're going to take from this episode and actually implement?

This is not just a fun hangout with us, even though it's a fun hangout with us, we got to actually take something and do it. So what's the one thing you're going to do differently based on this episode? Leave you with that to ponder and take action on. Love it. And then other than that, we'd love it if you'd share this episode with a friend or your spouse, so you're both getting on the same page.

That's a, That's a bit of a life hack there. And,

we'll see you on the next episode. We'll see

you on the next episode. Bye everybody.