Listen Now

Episode Transcription

 Welcome back to another episode of the road to life podcast with Meredith and Craig. Okay. What do we got this week?

This week we are talking about staying connected or getting reconnected when life is busy.

Yeah. We're coming into holiday season.

Yep. Busy time of year for a lot of people.

Thanksgiving just finished now coming into Christmas and all that

stuff. And lots of other holidays. Yeah,

there's a ton of. pull from family and friends and school recitals and concerts and all that stuff.

Family and friends are around. There's a lot of food and social and there's a lot of things on the docket this time of year.

Stressful. And I mean, life is busy enough. And then you add on this extra stuff this time of year, it gets even busier and it's important when times are busy. It's helpful to have the relationship, the marriage, the strength from that to prop you up because it can be a lot this time of year.

And if you're also navigating some disconnection in the marriage and you don't have that pop up that extra prop

and not only that, but it might be draining you even more. That's right. Like if you don't have that marriage or that relationship kind of in a place where it serves you and supports you.

chances are it's dragging you down even further.

So

it's really critical. .

So we want to talk about some things that aren't gonna take a lot of time, but that are going to restore or reignite or strengthen that connection that you've got between you so that you've got that relationship to help you through this busy, more stressful time of year.

And that first thing that we're going to talk about is making sure that there's still quality time.

Yeah.

I know there's a lot of demands on time. They're pulling you in a hundred different ways, but. Like a flower or a garden that doesn't get water or sunlight, your marriage needs focus, time and attention.

So it really is imperative that you have quality time and that's some people's love language.

Yeah, for sure. So it's extra important in those situations, but it is important for everyone. And we're not talking about, it has to be hours and hours and hours. Like it can be 20, 30 minutes of dedicated quality time where you feel like you're engaged with each other, which means no phones, no laptops, no.

Writing an email in your brain about what needs to be done or making to do lists in your brain It's about really being connected to each other for those 20 to 30 minutes a day

Just showing the other person that you care that they're an important part of your life and that you want to See them and hear them and understand them

And I mean one of the ways we like to do that because we spend a lot of time together I'm probably more than most but a lot of time together in the run of a day For the vast majority of the day we are within about an arm's length of each other But not all of that is quality time.

For sure. Yeah, most of it's not. Correct. And so what we do that works for us to find some quality time in your day is go for a walk and talk. When you're walking and talking that means your phones are away you're outside in the fresh air usually.

Just makes you feel better.

It does and it makes the conversation flow a little easier.

And, that's one way to find that quality time.

I think it helps people too, who maybe are just starting on this reconnect, this being intentional and reconnecting that it's not eyeball to eyeball. It's like more kind of informal, if you will. You're just kind of walking shoulder to shoulder and kind of glancing over and having a conversation and then carrying on looking at the path, looking at nature.

It's less, I would say uncomfortable, I guess. Yeah.

It doesn't have to be your go to move. It doesn't have to be a walk and talk. It could be a game of cards. It could be getting up early and having a coffee together before the day starts. Any way that works for you.

That's got, 20, 30 minutes of, Just you time or where the rest of the world doesn't yet exist. It's outside of your bubble.

So what are we doing in those 20, 30 minutes that is going to move our relationship further along? Cause it's one thing to just walk through the woods together and be like what are we talking about here now?

Like what do people want to know to get them to the next level? I think it's really about. Making sure that the other person feels seen and heard. And so checking in on them about what's going on in their life. What are they, concerned about? Or what are they most excited about, about the holidays coming up?

Or is there anything you need support with? Yeah.

So we call these check in questions.. And it's really important every single day to ask your spouse a check in question. 📍 And the secret to a good check in question is specificity. A really specific check in question. General, generic check in questions like, How was your day?

How are you? Are gonna give you a fine. Good. One word answer usually. Sometimes they might give you a complete synopsis of every breath that was taken in the last 24 hours.

Which is going to frustrate some people. They're not going to want that level of a data dump on them. That doesn't serve the relationship.

So we want to eliminate that as much as possible.

And it also doesn't serve the relationship. The purpose of the check in question, because the purpose of the check in question is to connect and feel the connection between you and that the other person actually cares about how your day went and wants to be a part of it.

So when you get a question of like, how are you, that also doesn't elicit those emotions of they actually care and are asking something that they want to know an answer to versus a question like what was the best part of your day? What made you laugh 📍 today? What was your favorite thing you learned today?

Like something really specific makes your spouse feel like. you actually want to know the answer to the question. Therefore you actually care about how their day went. So you're not only learning about your spouse and reconnecting and checking in and hearing about their day, but you're also giving them those feelings of you actually care about me and you want to know when you come at it with some curiosity and specificity.

And so check in questions, really Primo way to build connection and reconnect with your spouse.

Yeah.

strategy to get reconnected or strengthen that connection is the weekly connection conversation. That's what we like to call the let them in conversation and it can be any day of the week really, but we kind of like to do it on the weekend.

You do a bit of a download, a recap. of the week that just finished and get aligned going forward on the week ahead. And that's the conversation. It's maybe a little longer than the check in question conversation, because this is where you're really kind of going through the week. What were the highs and lows?

Where did you need support? What were the wins in the week? What are you afraid of? What's keeping you up at night? What are the stresses coming at you this coming week? Where could you support?

It's about getting aligned on your shared common vision too. Like what are we working on together? Where are we with certain things and what do we need? Who's got what coming up? The kids have this, who's taking the lead or who's doing this, who's doing that, you know, dinner on the weekend at the in laws because it's Christmas and it just getting aligned and understanding who's doing what and where you're going to be and understanding what do you need support with?

How can I help you?

So it's almost twofold. It's almost. The, the alignment on what's coming, the logistics, so everyone's on the same page about what the week ahead is going to look like. But it's also about letting them in to what that week Coming up is feeling like for you. This is stressing me out because I'm actually really excited about this because you know, I'm afraid about this because so and so is going to say whatever, like what are the things coming up in the week that have you spinning a little bit?

And where do you need support because of that? Like we're going to dinner. And the last time we had dinner with your family, your cousin, you know, said something and, and I might need your support here. Something along those lines to just get the person on the same page so that they can just, they know how to best support you.

And the same thing with the look back in the previous week is where did I fall down? Where do I need support? What scares me? What's keeping me up at night? What's stressing me out? And

it's really not about finger pointing or blaming or making sure that like the other person knows like, Oh, you just really didn't support me here.

It's more just about, you know, Understanding that we're in this together. We're on the same team and we're trying to achieve a goal. And that's an amazing marriage and amazing life. And on that journey we're all human beings. We're all going to make mistakes or not show up in a certain way at all the time at a hundred percent.

So it's just about making sure that the other person, Hey, you know, last time this situation came up, , this happened or I felt this way. I'm just wondering if maybe the best way you could support me going forward is whatever with this.

And a key question, a game changer question for that conversation is the, what can I do to make you feel loved this week?

Yeah, ,

that's a huge one, which kind of brings us into the next strategy, which is the little things, little things, little things are the huge things in literally every relationship, but especially in your marriage. When we get busy, the little things tend to fall away. And the little things are the things like picking up their favorite snack or

saying, Thank you.

Saying you're welcome. It's the little things like The golden rule that don't treat others the way you want to be treated. That's the first thing that goes when you're stressed and complacent and you take for granted the other person and the relationship you're in, that it's always just going to be there.

And then, you know, the, I expect her to do that. Like, why would I say thank you? She's just doing what she's supposed to do as my wife. And that's just not the case. Right.

So

going about it, right. You know, trying to do one little thing every day for your spouse, some little tiny thing action that makes their life a little bit easier or lets them know that you're thinking about them.

And in addition to that, say thank you when they do something little for you, the little tiny things that happen to just get through the week with your family. How often are we actually saying thank you and showing appreciation for that stuff?

You will be amazed at how far appreciation goes.

When you're feeling unappreciated, the trick to feeling more appreciated is actually showing more appreciation.

It seems counterintuitive.

Yeah. It's bonkers when you think about it. It's like, I feel unappreciated. So what am I? I'm just going to go shower someone else with appreciation. Yes. Actually. Yes.

And so we have a whole episode on the little things or the big things. Yeah. That we can link to so we can go a little deeper on the little things.

But there's like four or five things here that we can take and start implementing today to start reconnecting. And especially during this busy holiday season, where, like we said, you're pulled in a hundred different directions. There's a hundred different things that need to happen, but also your marriage needs to be watered as well.

Your marriage garden needs to be watered.

So those are a few strategies to help you water that marriage garden. Let's finish up with the question.

What are you going to take from this episode? So now that you've listened to it, what's the one action that you are going to promise yourself you're going to do now that you've listened to this? Because we love hanging out and it's fun to chit chat, however, we need to take action based on what we talk about and what we learn.

So challenging you right now, what's the one thing that you're going to take and do differently based on listening to this episode? And challenge number two, is there someone else that probably needs to listen to this episode too? Maybe your spouse, maybe somebody else, but share it. That's it. That's all.

We will see you next week