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Episode Transcription

 Welcome back to another episode of the road to life podcast with Meredith and Craig. And this week we've got an episode. It's cool. One talking about uncommunicated expectations in your marriage and how insidious that can be.

Yeah. And I mean as with most things we talk about, we're talking about it through the lens of the marriage, but we do this to every single person in our life.

Literally every person. Literally everyone. Coworker, kids. Siblings, parents, business. Random

strangers. Like So they did not meet my expectation of what a societal norm is and therefore I hate that person. They cut me off in traffic. They're dead to me.

Actually, you know, when this really comes up for me is getting off an airplane when people don't wait their turn.

You know, it goes row by row when you exit an airplane, when people just start trying to hustle off and yet we

don't know what's going on in their life. They've got a flight to catch

and I've been on the other side of it, so we totally get it. But in the moment, sometimes that's one of those expectations I have that everyone meets this.

Like. Airplane etiquette that I have prescribed in my head. When people don't meet that, it irritates me.

But I think one of the ways to not let the outside world bother you as much is to have fewer expectations.

Yeah, and I can speak as someone who's been told, on multiple occasions in multiple situations that I have really high expectations.

Can confirm.

You weren't one of them, but I'll add that to the list. But I've been told it at work a lot in my corporate, my old life. That I had very high expectations of myself and other people a lot, that my expectations were very high. I was told that by my friends when I was dating that I had expectations set way too high, which sidebar wasn't true.

It exists. And apparently now confirmed by Bennett that my expectations are very high.

So, like I said, I think one of the best ways to decrease your level of disappointment in life. Is to have fewer expectations of other people. We are all doing the best we absolutely can going through this life. And we don't all have the same level of care or concern on certain things that you do.

Yeah. Our values are different. Like you pick 10 people out of a crowd. We're going to have 10 different sets of values and priorities of those values. So expecting everyone to have the same values as you in the same priority so that they will act in the way that you want them to act.

It's a recipe for disaster because you're going to be set up for failure and they're set up for failure And then you're going to be disappointed and angry and upset and resentful.

which is setting you up for failure It's basically like you putting yourself in a war with reality. Reality is that everyone is different. Everyone's got different values priorities, expectations of the outside world. And when you're constantly buttoned up against disappointment because people constantly aren't meeting your expectations, you're just coming up against reality.

The one way you are destined to lose is to argue with reality. Reality is what is. So arguing with it is going to get you nowhere. People shouldn't be so whatever, use the adjective that you want to use.

And like we said, this applies to strangers on an airplane or in a mall at Christmas time or whatever the case may be.

It applies to people in your family that you have an expectation for how your brother, sister, mother, father, son, daughter, cousin, nephew. You have an expectation for how all of those people are going to interact this holiday season probably.

For me, for example, I always used to think that my brother should be more communicative. Like you should get more involved in the family and like. Engage more. Yeah, but the reality is he doesn't and it is what it is. So arguing or having an expectation of him doing that and being disappointed when he doesn't, it doesn't serve anyone. And it would just make me frustrated and impact the relationship.

So I got to a point where it was just like, yeah, it is what it is. He is who he is. He doesn't want to, why do I care? Everyone's going to participate the level they want and don't want. So. It's actually helped me quite a bit over the last little while is to is nothing to do with anyone else other than him and so if he doesn't want to engage then So be it that's up to him But that doesn't stop us from when we have something to say that we just text him, right?

If he responds great, and if he doesn't whatever it is what it is he participates when he's ready and wants to yeah and having an expectation of him doing more than that It's just setting us all up for frustration.

It's essentially you're trying to control something that is wildly outside of your control.

And every time you try to do that, it leaves you feeling disappointed and resentful, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So instead, I think there's a little bit of forgiveness work required. You know, when someone doesn't meet our expectations and we have that negative reaction, we're upset, we're angry, resentful, we're frustrated.

We need to forgive them. Because, like we talked about in our mind reading episode, I don't know, several weeks back those were our expectations there was nothing there that, led us to believe that this should be the case, except for our own expectations.

So letting them off the hook for not meeting our uncommunicated expectations.

And creating a set of rules for a game that only you know, but you expect other people to play?

Yeah. Yeah.

When you think about it, that's crazy.

It's what you're doing. It's what I'm doing. It's what you're doing.

A hundred percent. It's what we're doing.

Yeah. And expecting them to win or be able to be successful at that game, not knowing the rules. I mean, come on, let's be real. It's a crazy expectation to think that that's ever going to happen, that they're going to meet your expectations when they don't even know the rules.

Right. And so when they don't like inevitably when they don't meet those expectations, cause they don't know about them. You haven't told them the rules of the game you're playing. So when they inevitably don't meet those expectations and you're left feeling pissed off, frustrated, sad, what do you do? How do you, how do you let go of that feeling?

You know, you're angry on the inside that they didn't do what you wanted slash needed them to do. But you didn't tell them what you needed from them. And therefore they didn't meet an expectation that they didn't even know about. So, step one has to be forgive them for not meeting the expectations you put on them.

Those are your expectations. So you need to forgive the other person for not meeting an expectation that they didn't know about.

And then step two is re evaluating the expectations you're putting on people. If you've got someone in your life that is consistently not meeting the expectation that you're putting on that person, why do you keep putting that expectation on that person? We all do it.

I want it. I want them to do it.

For sure.

I want them to meet it.

For sure. I'm in this situation right now., I feel it. I'm frustrated in the situation I'm in right now because I want people to act a certain way about this problem that I'm facing. And they just won't act the way I want them to. And it's pissing me .

But those are my expectations for how I want them to act. I want them to act in accordance with my values. My value system, my priorities, and they're not. And it's frustrating. But that's on me, not on them. And that's frustrating too because I want it to be on them. I want to keep my anger and frustration over there.

But it's not. I'm the one that's continually setting myself up for failure by setting them up for failure. So I need to forgive them, and I need to re evaluate my expectations.

And I think forgive yourself as well, and understand that, we set expectations because of our own values, and, a relationship may be impacted by the expectations you placed on someone and them not meeting them.

So therefore, both of you have played a a role in this. Fracture in your relationship. You're going to forgive them. But let's also let's also not forget to forgive yourself and understand that you're doing the best you can. And when you know better, you do better. When you learn that those rules you're putting on someone else, they're your rules.

And are you even following them? Maybe, maybe not, but it's really about making sure that you forgive them, but also yourself,

which not an easy thing to do. Refer to forgiveness episode because we go into it in detail there. Yeah, but quick and dirty forgiving someone else is Hard, but you're doing it for yourself.

Not for them. Forgiveness is not something they earn. It's something you do for you And then forgiving yourself even harder, but obviously it's something you do for you. So details are in the forgiveness episode, but Of the three steps two of them are forgiveness And one of them is stop fighting reality and stop putting those expectations on other people.

At the end of the day reality is what it is arguing it against it is getting you nowhere and so focus on what you can control, which is not other people's actions and behaviors.

What is the only thing you can control?

Your thoughts, your feelings, the way you react to whatever's presented to you.

Correct. So when they don't meet those expectations, the only thing you can control in that whole situation is how you respond to them not meeting your secret expectations. That's the only thing you have control over.

Yeah. And so there's a book that has helped us quite a bit with this. Yeah.

Loving what is,

loving what is by Byron Katie. Mm-Hmm. It really helps frame to stop fighting reality.

Yeah. And it goes into four questions and like the first one is, is, you know, whatever the negative feeling that's got you kind of frustrated.

Frustrated is, is it true? Is, is what you are feeling or what you're thinking about that situation actually true. And it's just a yes or no question. And depending on how you answer that, you go to the next question, which is, but do you really truly know that that is true?

Like beyond a shadow of a doubt, beyond a hundred percent certain.

Yeah.

And most of the time

you can't, the answer is no. If you really think critically about it.

Then the third question is how do you react or what happens when you believe that thought? And so it's like anger, frustration, resentment. Yeah. I get bundled up. Like I'm not myself. I'm angry.

And then the fourth question is, Who or what would you be without that thought? Oh, well, I'd be lighter. I'd be happier. I'd be less frustrated. I'd be whatever, whatever it is that that feeling is causing you, you'd be less of that and more joyful. So it's really just getting you thinking about that situation.

Understanding that it's your thoughts about that situation that are actually causing the problem. It's not the situation itself. And if you change that thought or that story inside your brain, in your mind, if you change that story, you'd be a completely different, happier person. So why not do that?

Right. Because we're all telling ourselves stories, let's tell stories that serve us.

Exactly. Exactly. And so if the way to more peace, more joy, more happiness, is letting go of the expectations on other people and seeing reality for what it is and stop being disappointed that it's not what you want it to be.

Exactly. Nothing to it. It's easy. It's easy stuff. It's very, very hard stuff. And it's very, very hard to wrap your brain around, which is why reading the book is really helpful. But that being said, now that you've listened to the episode, What's the one takeaway you've got? What's the one action, even if it's just

going buying the book and reading it?

Yeah. That's a good action. That's a great action. So loving what is by Byron Katie. That's your action. Go get that book and read it.

Yep. Be helpful for the holidays for sure. And if there's anyone else in your life that you think would benefit from this episode, share it with them too. And we will see you next week.

Bye for now.