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 Welcome back to another episode of the road to life podcast with Meredith and Craig. Happy new year. We're into 2025. Happy new year. 2025 is upon us. And today we've got a cool episode.

We're talking about the difference between fitting in and belonging. Okay. Yeah, let's make 2025 the year that we stop fitting in. We stop, covering a part of ourselves. We stop doing that assessment of who is the person we need to be, who will be accepted in this group, and then act like that person.

Mm hmm. Because when you do that, The love that comes to you doesn't ever land because it's not meant for you because you're not actually being your true authentic self. Yeah. We both, I think, have a long history of fitting in and getting pretty good at fitting in and for complete opposite reasons, actually.

Go ahead. What was your reason? Well, I grew up, in a fairly small place, , by most people's standards. Like I grew up in a town of 30, 000 people, not a huge spot. And going to school at grade one through six, I was in the same class with the same kids, grades one through six. We got some new blood in grade seven and then filled up another new blood in grade 10, but one through six, virtually the same 20, 25 kids.

So. In grade one, if you became an outcast in your class, you were an outcast all the way through. Did you know that in grade one, if you didn't fit in, your life was going to be very difficult for the next five, six, seven years? I think so. Yeah. Like, I knew that there was only one, I was in French immersion, there's only one French immersion class in my school. So we were the same kids that cohorted together for those six years.

And there was a couple of kids that didn't really fit in. One was a troublemaker, one was just a little different. And they never fit in with the core group of the rest of us kids. And so I think at six years old, I was pretty aware that if I don't fit in with these kids, I'm going to be on the outside looking in for the next five, six years.

So I think it started then that I got good at, who do I need to be to be accepted in this group? And that carried forward for me all the way through the rest of my school. But even into like my corporate career, what version do I need to be to be accepted? What version of me do I need to be to be the high performer, to get the performance reviews that I want, to.

The people pleasing comes from that. The perfectionism comes from that. Like I think a lot of that stemmed from being someone who wanted to fit in. And what I didn't learn until much later in life is that fitting in is the 100 percent complete opposite of blind. We can get into that in a minute, but let's talk about your experience of fitting in first.

So yeah, I had the exact opposite experience. I moved around so much. My family, my dad was in the military, so we moved around, bounced from school to school. So I would always have to be the new kid. And so every year it would be, for me, it would just be, you go into this new situation, all these new people, and you would just observe for a little bit.

And then you'd figure out, okay, who do I need to be to now not be that. Social outcasts. Mm-hmm . Or whoever you were just talking about in your class. Mm-hmm . That didn't, didn't fit in. And I would just observe, and luckily I played sports mm-hmm . And so that helped to, kind of fit in with a certain group mm-hmm

Of people, , the people that played sports. Mm-hmm . The athletes and stuff. But yeah,, it was always just about how do I fit into this area and , it was never me being my authentic self. I didn't ever. Bring that version of me. It was always just the version of me that I needed to survive Not being a social outcast.

You're a super observant person like when you approach a new situation from my perspective you seem to Observe it from the outside first before sort of engaging in it and I don't know if that comes from your experience or if that helped you, like if you were already that way. Chicken or the egg. Yeah.

Yeah. I think if I had to guess, I don't know, but if I had to guess, I would say it's probably because of my, that's what I used to survive. That was a function of your experience. Yeah. Yeah. You would approach the new school, the new kids. observe them, what behaviors, what version of me is going to allow me to fit in with this new crew.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's still something that I have to fight every day. Even in new situations, I'm still very observant. I'm still, I'm trying not for it to be so that I can see who I need to be to fit in. It's more just a habit of, I just want to understand the dynamics and who's here and who everyone is and what's going on.

I'm trying really hard now to be more my authentic self in all these situations, a little bit more playful, a little bit more joking and jovial side of me that historically didn't come out for a very long time. Like I would be much more reserved, much more not willing to put myself out there so that I'm not as likely to be rejected by the group.

Exactly. Yeah. Whereas now I'm getting a little bit more comfortable with, version of me. And if you don't like it, well then you're not for me. And there's others out there that are kind of thing. So, which I think also comes from building your self worth and like it all ties together. Of course of course.

Because for years I always heard about fitting in like it was the right thing. Like it was a good thing. Like I fit in with these people. . Like I belong here and I, Linked those two things and they're not the same. We're raised that way. It's like no like Be polite.

Don't do that. You can't invite all those kids like You gotta invite everyone in your class. Well, I don't why do I have to invite everyone in my class? They're not all my friends. They're only only three of them are I only want to invite three No, yeah, if you invite those three then these three you're gonna be hurt You gotta invite everyone and so it's like you're almost raised to Fit in and make sure that you're not rocking the boat and people pleasing everyone and be polite and don't speak your truth.

And there's a very fine belt. Obviously, don't be rude, but you can speak your truth and do it in a very respectful, authentic way that isn't going to, it may ruffle feathers, but that's more on that other person that they received it that way. But. I think we're raised in a society where it's more important to fit in than belong.

Yeah. And so for years and years, I thought fitting in and belonging were the same thing. That if I fit in that I belong with this group. Yeah. And it was mind blowing to me a few years ago when I came to learn that they were the exact opposite. . You, in order to fit in, yeah. you're like, especially like you did, you assess the situation.

You see what behaviors, what attributes of myself are going to allow me to fit in with this group of people. And then you cover the parts that won't fit in and you amplify the parts that will. And you become the version that you need to be to fit into this group, which isn't you. It's the version you're giving these people in order to belong in that group.

You have to be yourself. The only way to belong is to be who you are and be accepted for you. The minute you change something, you're fitting in. Like the instant you alter anything about you, because you're afraid of how it will be received by somebody else, you care more about fitting in than belonging.

And it literally blew my mind. Because for so many years I thought I belonged, but I was fitting in. And the point you made at the beginning of the episode, that when you fit in, when you've created an avatar, when you've created a version that will fit in with a group of people, and that group of people lavish praise on you and, , fill your tank and They accept you, they bring you in, they love you, they show you all the love that you're looking for.

It doesn't land. You don't receive any of that love. No. And that was my experience growing up is that I would be accepted, but I wasn't actually me. I wasn't actually being the full, And that's not true in all cases. There were some situations, pockets of groups of friends, relationships and groups of friends that, I was more myself.

Yeah. You were able to be yourself. Oh, correct. But especially brand new situation. You know, you get picked not last and that's a good thing. And then, you start to like build some trust and credibility and,, you,

you eventually are able to, Allow more of yourself to come out and eventually you can turn a fitting in a situation, maybe into a belonging situation over time. Yeah, exactly. .

I think this also shows up in Relationships like you talked about specific relationships growing up where you were able to transition to belonging from fitting in. Yeah I think this is a a big issue that we see in romantic relationships in marriages even where you've gotten into a relationship with someone by showing up as who you think would be accepted by that person and That was a slippery slope for me when we got together too.

Like I tell the story kind of in jest But, when you asked me if I like Star Wars, and I wasn't sure how to answer, that was me trying to decide am I going to fit in to this relationship, or am I going to be accepted and belong in this relationship? And, I very easily could have gone the other way, because that's how I was conditioned, that was on my perfectionism, my imposter syndrome, my people pleasing, all bubbling up to, my insecurities, my lack of self worth all bubbling up to the surface.

And thankfully, I took the belonging path, but like, it really could have gone either way in that moment. And had it gone that one way, I believe that over time I would have eventually found my way back to belonging with you. However, And told me the truth that you didn't like Star Wars? Eventually told you the truth that I don't like Star Wars.

But, I think a lot of people get stuck in that version who is accepted and they don't know how to bring their true self out and they end up in a relationship. Shit. Where they're in a loving relationship where the person is showing them love and respect and and it's not landing for them They don't feel valued because they're not being themselves within their own relationship there's only two people in this group and You're still fitting in and not belonging with the person that you've chosen and I think that stems from your own self worth, your own level of self acceptance for you.

If you don't believe that you're good enough as you are, then you're constantly trying to portray a version of you that will be loved by the person that you love. And if you're always portraying this person, one, it's exhausting because you never actually get to be you. It takes emotional energy to constantly have your mask on and be the person you think you need to be to be accepted.

Okay. It's an exhausting place to be in a relationship where you can't be yourself, but you're also not getting that love from the person that you love because you're not you. They're loving a version of you that's not you. So if you're finding yourself in a situation where you're in a relationship that is exhausting because you can't actually be yourself, you need to find a way to start introducing who you actually are into that relationship so that You can feel a sense of belonging and trust and safety in your relationship that you don't yet have.

Yeah. And then when you do that, then the people pleasing and the imposter syndrome and the perfectionism, they go away because you're okay with yourself. You have that self worth, that self value, that, Self acceptance that you're not looking for the other person because that's what people pleasing and perfectionism and imposter syndrome are is all Validation it's all a result of you not having that that validation for yourself.

So you're looking for it externally so when you get Right with yourself Accept yourself and truly become yourself in all situations and actually truly Belong and not fit in then all those other little Things? the people pleasing, the imposter syndrome, and the perfectionism of that lack of self acceptance and the lack of self worth.

Cause that's, that is how all of that manifests, especially, I mean, sort of for me younger, but Especially as I grew up and was a grown up and living my own life The manifestation of my lack of self acceptance came out through people pleasing perfectionism and posture syndrome all those things And we've been on this journey of self acceptance self worth self love for years now And you've said it already.

Like you still have to fight that. I still have to fight my people pleasing tendencies, my perfectionist tendencies, my imposter syndrome tendencies. I mean 40 years of it, it doesn't go away overnight. You can put in the work and you can put in a lot of work and we have over a year or two, three years, but you're still battling 40 years of conditioned in you.

So it's a big ship that takes a minute to turn around and it's not It's and I think we have another episode coming up where we talk a lot about one, two steps forward, one step back kind of thing. So, but it's a progression. It's not linear. It is going to be two steps forward, one step backwards, sometimes two steps backwards, one step forward.

But eventually , you make progress, but it's not overnight. And it's being compassionate and kind to yourself that you are a work in progress and you're working your way through this. And I think to simplify it as best as I can, fitting in requires you to change something about yourself.

Requires you to change who you are. Belonging requires you to be who you are. I don't know if I can say it any simpler than that because that's how it really crystallized for me. So when you find yourself changing who you are to be accepted by someone, that's fitting in. , that's the moment to.

Press the pause button. Call a timeout. It's such a weird dichotomy. Like belonging is actually one of the most difficult things because it's putting yourself, your authentic self out there. Requires so much vulnerability. But it's actually one of the simplest things cause it's just you be you. Yeah. You don't have to actually do anything other than be you.

So it's so simple. but it's so difficult. It's scary. Yeah. Take some courage. Such a mind trip. Really. When you think about it, how easy, simple it is, but how difficult it can be to actually execute. And a big piece that's required for that is that feeling of safety, psychological safety. Like when you were the new kid coming into that new school, that new class every time you didn't have the safety and the trust there yet to move.

feel safe to be vulnerable, to bring your whole self to that situation. But you said eventually relate, you did build relationships where you belong. And that because the safety and the trust was there with that individual person that you could be yourself. And so those are prerequisites. I think to being able to, to show up and be yourself is feeling safe and feeling like you trust the situation, the space, the person, whatever the container is that you're in.

Mm hmm. And I think that it's really worth repeating that if you're feeling that emotional disconnection in your relationship, it's really maybe a sign to start looking within to see if you have that validation and love for yourself. And because the chances are the reason that there's emotional disconnection is that the validation that you're receiving from your relationship is not landing for you because you're not actually being you.

It's landing on a version of you that isn't you and you know it. And so there's a gap. That cognitive dissonance, your brain knows that it's not true. It's not for you. That love that's coming your way is not for you. It's for the version of you that you're portraying, but you know deep down that that's not you.

And so it's now time to look in the mirror and say, okay, who am I being and who am I actually? And what change do I need to make and how do I need to show up for myself so that I'm actually being the authentic version of me in my relationship. And the first step for that is going to be working on your self worth.

Yeah. And so we've done an episode on that a while back that we'll link to in the show notes to give some actual practical steps to take to start working on that. But for this episode, the takeaway is your level of awareness.

One of the last things I'll touch on, and we've talked about it before, is, in order to connect with another human being, like, in order to feel that sense of belonging, you have to be vulnerable and show your flaws and all, warts and all sort of thing, because humans, we don't connect with perfection.

None of us are perfect. And so if I only get perfection, if I'm getting, like, the glossy version of you that just doesn't show any of your flaws that only shows me that you're perfect in every area of your life. I can't connect with you because I know inside I'm not perfect and so I'm never going to measure up to your expectations in my mind and in order for you and I to be able to connect, I need to see your flaws and imperfections and you need to see mine. It's just the way humans are wired. So what you're saying is if you show me yours, I'll show you mine? Yeah, totally. Show them at the same time, count of three. I know for me, I probably needed someone to tell me a long time ago that it's okay to be, to be myself, to be the flawed, imperfect version of me. That's still learning. That's still working. That's still figuring things out. So if you need a permission slip to be you, this is it.

This is it. Yeah. Like be you. The people that are meant for you are going to come to you and the people who aren't are going to leave. And that's great. And there's a reason you're here. There's a reason you're here on this planet doing your thing, it's because you're the only you there is and the world needs you.

Like the odds of you actually becoming a human being in this world are like one in like, 400 trillion or something? It's like an insane number. So it's not a mistake that you're here. It's a miracle. And the reason is because you have a gift. You are a unique being on this planet and we need you to be you.

It's the only way this works. It's the only way life works for you. Yeah. To feel loved, to feel a sense of belonging, which is like innate human need. Like evolutionarily we need other humans, but it's also the only way it works for everyone because you're here to be you. And if you're not being you, then the world's missing out on something.

So we're also missing out on the gift of you if you're not being you. So, Yeah, permission slip. Granted. If you're looking for that, here it is. Now, go be you. And the benefits of it, you build such a bond with people and with anyone really, but specifically we'll talk about a marriage. Like we've already talked about if you're not showing up as you, the disconnection that happens, But let's talk a little bit about the opposite of that.

When you actually show up as your true authentic self, the connection that you can have, the bond that you can build is pretty special. It's pretty special. And because the love that the other person has for you, which is immense is actually landing on you. You're actually taking it in and now you have all that love and you're giving it back and it's an exponential kind of love bomb almost.

But then also that you feel so good about it that you're also doing that for other people in your other relationships in your life. And it's just infinite. Yeah, it really is. Yeah. . So question for you now that we've talked about this together in this episode, what's the one thing you're going to do to give yourself permission to show up as yourself?

How are you going to make yourself aware when you're feeling that disconnect and you're feeling that emotional energy drain? What are you going to do for building your own self worth and your own self acceptance? What's the one thing, the one action you're going to take based on this episode?

We'll leave you with that. Bye for now. See you next week.