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Episode Transcription

 Welcome back to another episode of the road of life podcast with Meredith and Craig

Self talk self talk That bugger of a voice that's in your head. That's telling you that You're not good enough or who do you think you are to be doing this? What do you have to offer? Nasty little voice.

Yeah, it's a beast to deal with that voice Mm hmm, and we've been you know talking about this voice in our head now for a little while You But we just recently listened to a book that we've read already.

We read this book a couple of years ago, Mindset by Carol Dweck. And it talks about the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. And it was an eye opening book for us a couple of years ago when we first read it. We got a lot from it. Yep. And then we just recently listened to it again on an audiobook a month or so ago.

And she talks about this voice in your head. And the first time I read that book, I don't even remember her talking about that in there.

No, I don't either.

And the things she said were so bang on with how we talk about this voice that it shocks me that I don't Remember it. Yeah, that it Maybe

some of it landed, maybe It must have.

Subconsciously.

But, it's interesting because she talked about it from the perspective of It's your fixed mindset, which is The mindset that believes we all have a fixed level of intelligence. Ability. Ability, what? Competency, whatever the attribute is. But we're

born with it and we can't ever get better.

Correct. And that gets built up in us when we get praised based on our outcomes versus our process, basically. And so I remember the first time I read the book, It really hit me hard and how we

praise the kids.

Yeah. So are we talking about how many goals did you score? Are we talking about how much fun did you have and how hard did you work?

And so it, it's been a huge, and I can remember reading the book and then when I tried to implement it, I really struggled to find process driven ways to praise the kids. I really struggled. I couldn't think of any. And then when we listened to that book again last month, she rattled off like a hundred like and it blew my mind again hearing it because obviously I was raised to have a fixed mindset primarily.

And I really did really well in school. So I got a lot of praise for that. It's where a lot of my perfectionism and people pleasing come from. And so it reinforced for me how difficult I found it the first time to really try to shift my behavior in the praise.

I mean, if you come from a background of fixed mindset, it makes sense that you don't have all of the growth mindset things to say to kids at the top of mind or at the tip of your tongue, right?

Like it wasn't the way you were brought up or it wasn't your default setting wasn't the growth mindset. So it makes sense that it doesn't come easy to you. Yeah.

And so it's, it's been a struggle for me , to steer away from the how many goals did you score type of because they're seeking that praise, right?

I scored six goals on my birthday and it's like well, that's great. Did you have fun? Did you work hard? Did you skate hard? You know, it's it's congratulations. You must have worked really really hard. Yeah It's it's been a huge shift for that for sure and it Came through for me so strongly this summer when we did that Olympics day.

It was, Olympics were just kicking off so we did the Olympics day with the kids and we had like the opening ceremonies and you had created like 20 little games that we could compete in together with the kids like little five minute things that we could do and we had a trophy and we had a medals Ceremony at the end of each one and it was really fun.

But the five year old He won a few events, but he lost a few events. And he was really hard on himself.

Brutal.

That negative voice in his head was coming out, I could hear it. He was saying it out loud and I couldn't believe the shit coming out of his mouth.

Like I suck. I'm no good Nate always wins and it's not true. Nate won some of the events Jake also won some of the events

totally,

but Jake was like Nate always wins. I never win.

I suck I'm so dust which is a term. I just learned

Yeah, and And so it was just like trying to reframe that for him in the mall and he wasn't hearing it. He was in a state where it was like you couldn't talk to him about it.

We ended

olympics a little early actually

Jake did not get the sportsmanship award

But it was interesting to see his fixed mindset and The negative self talk that he was sharing like most of the time we don't hear each other's negative self talk Like I don't hear usually the ticker going on in your head.

That's undermining you but I could hear jake's that day Yeah, and it sucked.

Yeah, like it was scary.

It was scary. It was brutal to hear how hard he was on himself It's

really tough to hear a five year old say that about themselves. Yeah that and I know jake He's really good at sports.

Like he's good at hockey. he's five, but he's a good little deker. He's got a nose for goal. He scores lots of goals. he's really good little athlete. And so he's really hard on himself to the point where when he loses to grownups or an eight year old who's two, three, two and a half years older than him, he expects to win everything, which

I love

that he has that confidence.

I love that he has that confidence, we've got some work to do to help him understand that he's not going to win all the time, especially against kids that are twice his age almost. And grownups who are like 10 times his age. Yeah. Not quite, but yeah. Or five or five. Yeah. but the point is, or six, seven, eight, whatever it is.

But the point is is that he really has this mindset of, if I don't win, I suck.

Yeah. All or nothing.

If I don't score the goal, I suck.

So it was interesting to be able to hear someone's self talk out loud, because we don't get to hear that usually all that often. We all have a negative voice in our head.

All of us. And she talked about it in the book, Mindset, . That's your fixed mindset coming out in your negative self talk. And we've got a few tactical ways with grown ups.

Because , we do inherently create that in kids. Yes. They're not born with that.

Yeah. We create that as grown ups. We create that by focusing on the outcomes, like by focusing on the six goals or the three goals. Did you win? Did you win? How many goals did you score? If that's the first question out of your mouth, they immediately. put value on, okay, , I'm successful if I score goals.

He didn't ask me , if I had fun, he asked me if I scored goals and I didn't score goals. So that means I suck today. So now I got to go score goals. Right. And if I don't score a goal, I suck.

Yeah. So how do we shut the voice off? How do we turn the voice down? it's always going to be there to some level.

How do you turn that voice down?

Well, as a grownup, it's easy, like it's not easy, but it's a lot easier than doing it with a five year old. I think the first step is, let's understand how we're doing it with kids and let's change the questions we're asking and change the focus from outcomes to process.

Like, did you have fun? Did you work hard? Focusing on the process. Did you work hard? Did you have fun? What was the best part of the game for you? What are you most proud of? What did you learn today?

What did you fail at today? Yeah, , that's what Sarah Blakely's dad asked her every day.

The inventor of Spanx. What did you fail at? I scored six goals. Well, how many shots did you take that were saved?

And that's okay too. Like the fact that, yeah. They scored a goal is great and can be celebrated, but let's focus and let's put more focus on the process that they took to get there.

Yeah, trying to preempt that negative voice with kids, especially earlier on. 100%. Let's attack the problem from the root cause if we can. But for us grown ups, and this part still works with kids, but for us grown ups, we've got that negative ticker, that negative voice in our head all the time that's telling us, like, we're not worthy, we don't deserve it, who cares what you have to say.

What are the tactical steps? What do people do step by step? How do we turn that voice down or turn that voice off? Like get rid of that for me.

What works is I named that voice and I disassociate from it. Like it's not, it's those thoughts that are trying to bring me down. They're not me. They're just the, limiting beliefs, a limiting belief, a limiting voice.

That's this other entity that's out there that's trying to hold me back from my dreams. It's not me. So I distanced myself from it by just naming it because I'm Craig and that is Jack and that's a different entity. And I just, Call it call it out like back off Jack hit the road Jack. I'm not listening to you today Thank you.

You're not good enough. Well, who do you think you are to have a podcast who's listening to you like Jack back? Not today Jack hit the road buddy, I'm not talking to you

Yeah, , so you've disassociated now

now

we got a

reframe

reframe and replace

Yeah, we got a reframe that limiting thought that's coming in is like, oh, who are you to?

You Have a podcast. It's like, well, there's everyone in their dog has a podcast. Why can't I ?

Who am I not to have a podcast? Who am I

not to have a podcast basically, I don't exist if I don't have a podcast. I'm just kidding. . But , it's like, no, , I've gone through. A journey. And if anything I've gone through can help one person, then it's worth it.

And so if I'm doing it to put , my story out there and it helps one person, then it's absolutely worth it. So Jack, you can hit the road. And then you can replace that,

That negative belief, that limiting belief, that negative piece that Jack is repeating with something that you believe. That's the ticket.

It's gotta be

something more positive that you believe.

Yeah. And it's like, I have a story and by sharing my story, I'm helping other people.

. Yeah. And it can also be as simple as I deserve to be happy. I'm doing the best I can.

I'm learning

and growing.

I'm not

perfect at this podcast thing. We've been doing this for just over a year and it's something that we're doing, get reps and get our story , and to help people at the same time.

But it's something that we've not mastered in any way, shape or form. This is something that like , it's going to take a while, but it starts with the first step. And so. I've told myself that no, I'm not Joe Rogan or Mel Robbins with a podcast, but I'm learning and I'm growing and I'm helping people along the way.

And as we do this longer, we're going to get better and we're going to help more people. And eventually maybe we will be like Mel Robbins. I don't know. , who knows what the future holds, but at the same time, right now, the story is, the reframe is, is that, I have a story I'm learning and growing and I'm helping people along the way.

Yeah. So I like the idea of that, whatever that negative thing is that's in your head, shred it and then replace it with I'm learning and growing or whatever it is for you , that is positive and that you believe. Cause if you just start saying like, I'm the best in the world at this, you don't believe that.

So it doesn't work.

I definitely am not. Mel Robbins kicks my butt every time on a podcast. Like it's just, that's the way it is. Yeah. Like . She's great. Yeah. , she's unbelievable. She's done so many. , it's just, it's not a competition. So I'm never going to believe if I say that, right.

I'm just never going to get there.

And one word to always leave out of your positive reframe

should,

should Brian Bogert taught us should as a shame word.

Don't should on yourself.

That should be the name of the episode. Don't shit on yourself.

Don't shit on yourself. Stop shitting on yourself. Should magnifies the gap between where you are and where you think you should be. Makes you feel worse about where you are, which amplifies Jack in your head. it gives megaphone instead of turning his volume down.

And another helpful way to try and turn that voice down in your head is soliciting some accountability. So I'm trying to identify when my negative voice kicks in and I'm going to shred that and I'm going to replace it with something that I believe and I'm going to do the best I can at catching myself being aware and catching that every time.

But it also helps that you're doing the same thing and you're, we're holding each other accountable to not speaking negatively about ourselves, even in joking, even in jest. Like, yeah. I used to do that all the time. Like, oh, I'm such a dummy. Yeah, me too.

Your subconscious brain. Oh, I suck. Yeah. Why so stupid.

Why would I do that? I'm so dumb. Right. That type of stuff all the time. Even, even just saying it right now is not, I, I don't love, like I totally, I don't wanna implant that.

Because your brain, your subconscious brain doesn't know the difference. Yeah, totally. It doesn't know that you're joking. It doesn't know that you're being self-deprecating.

It doesn't. just avoid, avoid that altogether. And it helps to have the accountability of another person to hold you accountable for that.

Yeah. It's interesting because I didn't realize how much of that there was for me growing up until, you know, I was playing pickleball with my dad and my dad's very competitive.

It's where I go. We're very competitive and , we're playing and you know, he makes a shot and he misses. He's like, Oh, I can't believe what a dummy. I can't believe I did that. And I was like, huh, And well meaning he's like he's a great dad like he's awesome. I love him to death, but I Just realized it was like, huh?

I grew up with that. I that's not the first time I've heard that I'm just putting it all together as I'm going on this journey, you know on this personal Yeah, my awareness has gone up and I'm just listening and I'm hearing I'm like, huh? Just for what it's worth, like you're not a dummy and , we don't want to say that because as you're saying that and don't coach without permission.

Learn that one.

Yeah, but I'm just trying to give him a little bit of what I'm learning along the way. , and he's actually starting to take it and, you know, do some stuff with these. Hopefully you're listening Rex. Yeah. If you're listening, great. Love you. Great. Awesome. Playing pickleball with you.

Can't wait to do it again. But it's what I learned growing up , and that wasn't the first time. And so it hit home for me at how much reprogramming is required as you get later in life. Like , you think back to your childhood and it's like, as well meaning as my parents were, there were some things like what we were doing with the kids early on, focusing on goals.

Like I was a good hockey player growing up and for sure. People would ask me, how many goals did you score? And I was a great athlete growing up as a kid and I wasn't too bad in school either. I didn't have to try super hard. Like I didn't study my butt off and I still got okay grades and because it came a little bit easy to me that way with sports, scoring goals and getting decent grades.

I had a fixed mindset and I never got really, really great at either. Cause I just expected that, well, I'm already good. I don't need to put in that much effort because I'm already that much better.

Right.

But then, but then when you don't put in the effort, you're no longer, you're no longer, yeah.

Then there's mamba mentality. It comes and swallows you. It's just, it's interesting.

And so it's helpful for me cause I'm the same. It's helpful for me to have you to keep me accountable. Cause . There was a day I was in the kitchen cooking something and I made a mistake. I didn't put the vegetables on.

I cooked the meat first to take, you know, blah, blah, blah. The food was not ready at the same time. And so I'm in the kitchen and I don't even know I said it out loud, but I say like, Oh, you forgot to blah, blah, blah. Turn on the vegetables. You're such a dummy. And then I can hear you from the living room and be like, we don't talk to each other like that anymore.

Okay. And I'm like,

we don't talk to ourselves like that anymore. We don't

talk to ourselves like that. We don't talk

to each other like that ever, but we don't talk to ourselves like that anymore. We

don't talk to ourselves like that anymore. And I didn't even realize I said it out loud. So it was a good reminder to me that like, Oh crap, yeah, he's right.

I did say that. So it's sometimes so ingrained that you're trying to be aware of it and you still miss it. So it helps to have someone else for the times that you do happen to say it out loud under your breath. But , have your spouse or your best friend or your somebody to say, Hey, Hey, nah, we don't do that.

And when you don't have that person there and you catch yourself saying it,

same thing,

The last episode we did growth and grace. , this is not a A to Z. It's a A to B to A to C. Like we're not, it's not two steps

forward, one step back, three steps forward, four steps back. It's

not a linear approach up the, up the mountain.

It's back and forth and you're going to get it wrong. You're going to have a little slip up. As you progress down something, , you get better as you go. So earlier on, you're going to make more mistakes and just have grace and know that you're growing and that you're getting better. And that's all you can do.

So to summarize, name the voice,

Jack,

catch Jack in the act, trying to talk bad about you, shred that nonsense, replace it with something positive that you believe, stop shitting on yourself, and if you can get an accountability buddy, all the better.

And growth and grace for yourself.

So, what's the one thing?

Here we are at the end, asking the question. We had a lovely time chit chatting with you, but what is the one thing now you're going to take in action? What's the one action you're going to take coming into this episode to actually implement something and make a change? And with that, we will see you next week.

Love you. Bye.