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Episode Transcription

Welcome back to another episode of the road of life podcast.

What are we talking about this week, Bennett? I think let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. That

seems like a good idea.

Yeah. Why not? I mean, we're getting close to Valentine's day. I believe it's episode 69. So nice. Why not? Why not?

Sex seems like a reasonable topic for such an incredible episode.

Couldn't agree more. And it's something that's been coming up a little bit more often lately in our coaching. And it's an important topic when we talk about relationships. We haven't talked about it a lot in this podcast at this point.

But it is a really important piece of your romantic relationships. And so let's dig into it. And

it's one of the big sources of, stress and arguments in relationships, you know, money, sex, parenting, probably three of the biggest. So, yeah, I think it's a topic that needs to, be discussed.

And it's one that a lot of people avoid because it's awkward. And we talked about, don't be weird about money. We're also going to talk about, don't be weird about sex. Yes. Right. .

And the goal is to help you build a connection, open up, be more open and honest and have that conversation about intimacy and understand the importance that it plays in a healthy relationship. Like , it's really something that

Can be a source of tension in a relationship because two partners have two completely different desires.

Well, I think also like sex is inextricably linked, like the physical side of intimacy and the emotional side of intimacy and two partners can have different needs in each of those categories. And we can speak in generalities.

about, you know, women versus men, but really, it doesn't really matter which one is which, but generally two people are never going to have the exact same needs physically and the exact same needs emotionally. It's just impossible. Generally speaking for most people, the emotional intimacy is required for the physical intimacy.

And so we spend a lot of time on the podcast and in our code.

I think, so a lot of men are really relying on sex from a physical standpoint and women need an emotional connection. Correct. And so a lot of times men have a drive for sex that's higher than the woman in a relationship, but that's not actually necessarily true.

That's how they see it, but it's because the emotional needs haven't been met. Right. And when the emotional needs aren't met, the drive isn't there. Right. When the emotional needs are met, the drive can come. Women don't have less of a desire for sex than men do. It's just that their needs for it, how you reach it, how you meet that need is different.

It's almost like there's a prerequisite. Yeah. Yeah. You have to warm the oven.

Yeah. Not just

foreplay. Yeah. No. You have to warm the oven, mind.

. Yeah. The emotional intimacy has to exist before the desire for the physical intimacy is going to be there. Right. Generally speaking.

They need to feel seen and appreciated.

Yeah.

So if they're not looking for sex, go back and think about. Are they feeling seen heard valued appreciated?

Yeah, are you validating them? Are you seeing them? Are you appreciating them? Are they overwhelmed with more? Things to do that. They're not getting support with and they're exhausted and don't have any desire whatsoever for it.

Mm hmm Look back and trace that and see is there more I can be doing to Warm the oven. Can I take some of the stress off of someone's plate by helping out with, certain tasks or giving a foot rub or a back rub or just appreciating sending a text of appreciation, letting them know that all the work, all the things that they do is not going unnoticed.

It's the little things that when you do those, , it brings the level of emotional intimacy up and then the physical intimacy comes behind it.

Follows. Yeah. So shout out to the episode. Little things are the big things. That might be a helpful, episode to re listen to at this point.

Because at the end of the day, sex, it matters. It's important in a relationship. And obviously some people find it more important than others, but most people find it important. And it's just something that strengthens your connection. It builds a deeper bond, fosters intimacy.

Mm hmm. Releases happy hormones.

. Yeah. And it makes you

happier.

And there's some people's love language is physical touch and sex is a big part of that. And I think there's also a caveat on that, that a lot of men especially just believe their, love language is physical touch because of their sex drive.

And so there's, a pump break required there where Is it actually physical touch? Like, do you also feel loved when you cuddle, when you hold hands, when you get a back rub or a foot rub or a massage or a hug, a kiss? Do all of those things fill your love tank? And if not, then maybe physical touch isn't actually your love language.

If it's just the physical

act of sex, then that's probably your sex drive and not necessarily what makes you feel loved and appreciated. It might be acts of service or something else , but definitely do that, that's a good exercise for people to test whether or not physical touch is there is their love language.

Correct. And when it is the love language, it is especially important to be filling your partner's love tank in the way that they can receive it, which is in their love language. And if that is physical touch, then making sure that you're, working on that. If that's not your love language, cause we give love the way we want to receive.

Right.

So I think it's, it's really important to understand that, The act of having sex and having that compromise in because it's so important to a relationship. It's not just the act of it. And just saying, okay, let's do it. Like that, that isn't going to meet, they're not going to feel loved and appreciated if it feels like a chore.

If it feels, yeah, I'm just going to lay here and do your thing. If it feels like a chore, then it's not going to have the same effect. Correct. It's not about just doing it for the sake of doing it to appease somebody's,

you

know, desire. Totally. It's about building a bond and a connection and deepening your relationship.

And. I've seen it firsthand. Like I know couples where one had a strong desire for sex and the other did not. And it's a chasm that's really difficult to overcome. Like relationships end when those two needs can't, get connected. And so finding a way, if you're having a disconnection with your spouse around physical intimacy, around sex, one wants it and one doesn't.

There's a conversation required there. Because not everyone's gonna have the same, like we talked about at the beginning, not everyone's gonna have the same level of need, desire for sex. the level of frequency that meets your needs. It's going to be different for everybody.

So compromise is going to be required.

Compromise is going to be required. Yeah.

, if you're someone who wants sex every single day and the other person wants it once a month, you're probably not getting it every single day and once a month is probably not enough. Right. So we're going to have to meet somewhere in the middle. Maybe it's.

A couple times a week, whatever, you'll figure that out. , but it starts with having the conversation of what are our needs? What are the desires? What is it that we'd like to have out of our sex life? What would make us feel the most loved and appreciated and connected? And can we meet somewhere in the middle?

And it's like any other need in your relationship. it's like communication. it's like anything else. you're taking an action because you also want your partner to feel loved. You do the little things to make them feel loved and appreciated because you love them. You validate their feelings because you love them.

You don't always have to agree. It doesn't always have to be the way you would do it, but you do these things in a relationship because you love them.

And pro tip, have the conversation not in the bedroom when you're trying to have sex or like when emotions and like, Oh, you never want to have sex. I'm trying here.

And you know, that's not the time outside. Have an intentional conversation, plan it ahead of time when there's no, you're at the kitchen table. Yeah.

And actually you've raised a good point that it's even separate from the sex conversation, trying to keep all of the conflicts out of your bedroom.

Yeah. Like leave your bedroom for sleeping in sex. Try to keep those difficult conversations somewhere else so that that energy is not in your bedroom. Anytime.

Yep, for sure.

And like any difficult conversation, , like we talk about, If you think having an uncomfortable conversation is hard, wait until you see the results of not having one. So this is going to be a difficult conversation if you're on very different pages with this, but it's one of those things that , you need to figure out.

You need to get in and have the conversation and figure out that compromise so you can move forward.

100%.

So start with that conversation and learn your partner's needs. Like, make space for them, understand where they're coming from, what their feelings are and no judgment. and , both ways, just listen, , listen to understand, and then speak to be understood and ask open ended questions. Like, how can I make you feel more desired or, make you feel more comfortable with, you know, sex in the bedroom, those sorts of things.

And in addition to sex, because obviously that's the point of what we're talking about. It's a big part. There are other things you can do, too, to meet some of those physical needs. You're never going to avoid being able to have sex, that's an important part of the relationship. But some ways that might be helpful, especially for the person who's got the lower sex drive, is more physical contact leading up to, more cuddling on the couch, more cuddling when you get into bed together.

Massages, naked massages actually are great from that physical skin to skin contact and, and getting more comfortable physically together.

Some of those other acts that are really physical that bring you together can really help, you know, move the needle for your physical intimacy too.

Yeah.

And then I think one other big thing is Just scheduling it and making time for sex. Like, sometimes we have this narrative that Romantic notion. Yeah, it needs to be spontaneous or it doesn't matter. Like, ugh, planning is so boring. It's like, well It's not boring. It's actually intentional. Like it's, putting something of importance into your calendar and making sure you do it.

We talk about that with everything in life, right? If it's important to you, you will make time for it.

Yeah. And I think that it's, important to make time for it because it's an important part of your relationship. And that doesn't take away from the bond that's going to get developed. just because you schedule it doesn't make the

bond less.

And I'm not, saying that it's only scheduled. I'm just saying schedule it so that at least there's the minimum, the bare minimum, at least you're meeting each other's needs that way. And then if on a random Saturday afternoon, you decide to do your thing, then a little afternoon delight. Yeah.

If you want to do that, then absolutely do that. And that's a bonus. And then you can have your spontaneity and fill that cup too, but at least you're meeting the need if you can schedule it whenever.

Because I do think there's this sort of Rule or this romantic notion or this expectation people have that sex should always be Spontaneous when we're both in the mood and it just explodes and it's just delightful.

It's a story. We tell it is a story It's a stupid rule You've got yourself trying to

keep up with Hollywood and the movies and all the rom coms and all the stuff But

think of every other area of your life Like, when I think of every other area of my life when something's important, I make sure it's in the calendar.

I make sure it's scheduled so I don't forget, so that it happens the way I want it to happen, so that I've made sure the time is carved out and nothing overlaps. Like, when I've got something important going on in any area of my life, it goes in my calendar and I hold that space. And this is an important part of your relationship.

we say the same thing about your date night, we say the same thing about the quality time you spend together, that this is one of those important quality times together if it's important, it goes in your calendar, it gets scheduled and you hold that space and there's absolutely nothing wrong.

In fact, it's really helpful to put it in your calendar.

If you're struggling with figuring out how you're going to meet each other's needs, putting in the calendar is a great way to at least, okay, Thursday night, whatever it is, Saturday morning, I don't, whatever it is for you, throw it in the calendar and do it, do it just like Nike.

Just do it. Just do it. Just do it.

And then lastly, it's going to sound maybe a little funny in this context, but celebrate your momentum, celebrate your wins. Like, we talk about that again in every other area of your life. We had sex! Let's have more sex!

Well, you don't have to celebrate with more sex, you can celebrate any way you want. Celebrate any way you want. But, we talk about that in all the other areas of your life, that maintain your momentum by celebrating your small wins, acknowledge those wins to build the momentum. It's

important in this too.

It's everything. In everything you do, celebrate the small wins or big wins, whatever they are. Celebrate the wins because it leads to more wins. It really does truly build momentum. And so if you have sex and you meet your your schedule. You put a schedule in. That's a win. Hey, we've done it for a month straight or whatever it is.

Yeah. Yeah. Woo. Celebrate. Dinner. Let's go out for a nice date night. Yeah. Might lead to more sex. Exactly.

The

spontaneity, the, the spontaneous kind. Maybe. Maybe. Who knows?

And So again, going back to our, one line at the end here, what's the one thing you're going to do? Because sex is a really important part of your relationship and you can't just ignore it and hope that it works itself out.

Even if you've got very low sex drive, if your partner doesn't,

There's a compromise. There's a compromise required. Have the conversation and find the

compromise. What's the one thing you're going to do coming out of this episode to make a difference in your sex life? Pick one thing, one action to take to make a change, and probably it starts with a difficult conversation.

But pick any of the, things we talked about in this episode.

And if you're having a hard time broaching the subject with someone, like, how do you start it? Just sing the song. Just go into the room singing the song. Like, what are you

Let's talk about sex, baby.

What are you, what are you going on about?

Why are you singing that? Oh, great intro. That door opened. let me ask you a question. I've been thinking a lot about it and I want to chat with you about it and then go from there.

Yeah. And if there's anyone else that in your life that might need this episode, like maybe your spouse, but maybe, you know, a friend who's struggling with this.

Share this episode for anyone who might need it. And we wish you all very awesome sex lives. Happy sex. Bye.