Listen Now

Episode Transcription

 Welcome back to another episode of the Road of Life Podcast. This week we're talking emotional validation. Sounds like kind of a big word concept, but it's actually pretty simple.

No one enjoys sharing their feelings with someone. You know, I'm feeling. Frustrated and overwhelmed. Why do you feel that way? That doesn't make any sense, right? No one likes having their feelings dismissed or questioned or being made to feel like you shouldn't feel that way. Nobody likes that. , it's just like if you really went to someone that you really care about and you were struggling with someone and you opened up and were like, I'm just, , I'm so frustrated with this situation and I can't, I can't wrap my brain around it, and I'm at my wit's end.

And your spouse said, why? Why? That's stupid. Why would you? I definitely wouldn't feel that way in that situation. Why would you feel that way? Like it's obvious that that's not what's happening here. This is what's happening here, and you shouldn't feel that way. You should feel this way and fail. Cool.

Thank you. And the chances of me continuing to open up, if that's the reception I'm getting, chances of me continuing to share. Yeah. Pretty slick low. Pretty slim. Very slim. Yeah. And who could blame you, right? Mm-hmm. Emotional validation. Is basically just acknowledging and accepting someone else's feelings.

The thing is about this is that I haven't always, historically admittedly been good at this because logically my brain is like, yeah, but why do you feel that way? And. The one thing I've understood over the years now is that you don't actually have to understand how the other person feels, the way they feel.

They just do. Mm-hmm. And the fact that they do, and the fact that they're a human being means that, that's okay. That they're entitled to feel that way. For me, it was a real struggle of like, yeah, but logically that makes no sense to you. To me. Mm-hmm. And so I could never like, understand.

Why someone felt the way they felt. Mm-hmm. And that's, where the struggle was for me in that's where the gap was in invalidating someone's feelings. But then I've now, since learned, is that you don't actually have to understand the feeling that they're having. You don't have to have the same feeling.

Mm-hmm. You just have to understand that they're a human. They're having that feeling and that's okay, and that it must suck for them. Mm-hmm. And to just acknowledge that Right. Like understanding actually has zero to do with validating someone's emotions. Yeah. You don't have to understand them. That is not a prerequisite.

I know. And, for me, that was a real struggle. So I, I'm hoping that that is something that clicks for someone. Yeah. That Oh, oh. I. I get it now. Yeah. So it's not me. They're not me. They're not gonna think the way I think , okay, that makes sense. And they think the way they think. I don't understand it, but at least I can.

I can acknowledge it. Acknowledge it, and accept it, and validate it and say, you know what? That must really suck. Yeah. That must be hard. Yeah.

When someone does validate your feelings, it creates trust, connection, safety. It's a safe space open in a relationship. It opens up a safe space. Yeah. It makes you feel heard and seen and understood. When someone dismisses your feelings like you shouldn't feel that way, that doesn't make any sense and just dismisses how you're feeling.

You don't feel any of those. You don't feel seen, you don't feel heard, you feel dismissed. It doesn't feel like a safe place to bring up anything that's going on with you. You're gonna stop sharing those things. So the emotional intimacy that you could create by validating emotions completely disappears.

And in fact, you go the opposite way and you discourage the emotional intimacy in that relationship by not just acknowledging and accepting their feelings. Literally, we talk about this all the time. Literally every moment is an opportunity to, connect or disconnect. And by not validating someone's feelings, emotionally, like even when you don't understand them, especially when you don't understand them, it's disconnection.

Yep. And when you disconnect, you are breaking trust. Like you are not building trust. Mm-hmm. You are breaking, you're actively breaking it, you are breaking trust. but your goal is to be building it. Mm-hmm. And to build that connection. By not validating their feelings, you're going the opposite direction of where you want to go.

You're, actively damaging your relationship. Yeah. What I think is cool is something we've talked about with some clients before is the fact that you have those feelings makes them valid. Like you are a human being. You're feeling this way. If someone, if your spouse or your friend or your mother or your sister or your kid, anyone comes to you with feelings that you don't understand, that you wouldn't feel the same way in the same situation.

The fact that they're having them means that they're valid. Their experience is their experience, and it's valid. Mm-hmm. So acknowledge and accept and try to empathize. You might not be able to understand them, but to your point earlier, wow, that must be really hard. , I've never had that experience, but sounds like you're going through something tough.

It sounds like that's really hard. So like you can empathize, acknowledge and accept someone's feelings without understanding them and agreeing with them. Agreeing with them also has nothing to do with it.

' cause the other thing is. Those feelings that get dismissed or discarded and shoved down inside of you because they weren't accepted and you don't feel like you're allowed to have them. If they don't just disappear. Those feelings stay down inside of you. It's buried. Yeah. And they become the seeds of resentment.

Mm-hmm. So if you bury enough feelings, if every time I came to you with whatever I was feeling and you dismissed it, like that makes no sense, you shouldn't feel that way. And I bury that feeling down. There's a seed of resentment and the next time you do it, there's another seed and eventually it's gonna blow.

Overgrown. With resentment and we've got a major problem. 'cause not only do I not feel safe, I don't feel heard, I don't, we don't have any emotional intimacy. I also have an insane amount of resentment growing in me for you, because you've not seen me as the person I am. Mm-hmm. So that's a big problem in relationships.

The other really helpful thing about validating someone else's emotions is it diffuses conflict. Most of the time we just wanna be seen and heard and validated. So when you can validate how someone's feeling, like, oh wow, that must be tough. Like that level of empathy tends to diffuse conflict when you meet someone's feelings with.

You know, not understanding, not agreeing, discarding making them feel like they're not supposed to be feeling that way that tends to escalate conflict. So when you can meet someone's feelings with empathy, agreement and acceptance, you are diffusing conflict. Mm-hmm. Which is also really helpful in relationships.

And the cool thing is, is this isn't just us talking. From experience though. It is, it's not just that, but it's not just that there's research. Mm-hmm. The Gottman's, we all know the Gottman's. We just did a four part series and they're four horsemen.

They're, the researchers, they're relationship researchers. Mm-hmm. Gold standard. Yeah, the gold standard. And they have indicated that emotional validation, they call it attunement mm-hmm. Is a critical. Success factor in relationships, like we talked about the four horsemen of the apocalypse over the last few episodes, and how if you have those, you're in the danger zone, right?

If you have attunement and you emotionally validate each other, you make each other feel seen, feel heard, feel safe, you empathize, you create that safe space, that's a relationship that has the seeds of success. And so I think it's just really important when research. Like the Gottman's backs up. You know what we're saying?

That it's not just a nice to have, it's a must have, right? Yeah. Research. Research show science is pretty smart. It's a prerequisite for success in your relationship. A hundred percent.

So what are some reasons people don't validate emotions? Like why, do we sometimes not meet them with acceptance and empathy and understanding? I think a lot of times from my experience being a dude is that we just sometimes want to, like, we see a problem, we just wanna fix it. Mm. And it's like. Oh, you're frustrated with that.

Let me help you with that. Mm-hmm. That doesn't make sense. Like, , let's just get that out of the way. Mm-hmm. Like, you shouldn't feel that way, let's fix that. Mm-hmm. And it's not coming from a, lot of times. Mm-hmm. it wasn't always coming from a place of you're not entitled to feel that way.

Mm-hmm. As much as I don't want you to feel that way, so let me try to fix the problem for you so you don't have to. Mm-hmm. But a lot of times that's not what. The other person's looking for it. They're not looking for the solution, they're not looking for the, knight and shining armor of the superhero with the cape.

They're looking for a hug. Can you just see me and understand what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. Give me a hug and I'm not asking you to solve my problem. I'll figure that out on my own. Mm-hmm. In due time, I just, want to be seen. Yeah, totally. I just, want you to understand what I'm going through. Yeah.

And acknowledge it. Yeah. Maybe just be the shoulder that I need to lean on in the moment. Mm-hmm. And then maybe at some point I'll need your help to fix it. Mm-hmm. Maybe. But if I do, I'll ask you Right. For that. And so I think that's one of the main reasons, I think it's a big one. Yeah. Is people wanna fix the problem.

Yeah. I think another one is sometimes we're just uncomfortable with emotions, especially other peoples, especially when we don't really understand them. Mm-hmm. Like, we don't wanna say the wrong thing, we don't wanna make someone feel worse, even though that's generally what we do when we don't validate, you know, we just.

Sometimes we just struggle with emotions and how to Yeah, react. Emotions are tricky. If, especially, especially if you don't have that emotional intelligence yet. Mm-hmm. If you haven't developed it mm-hmm. and for me it would've been like yeah, icky. Like, I don't, like the feeling that this is giving me, so I'm gonna bury it.

You should too. And if you don't want to, I'm gonna bury it for you. Fair. Yeah. I think there's a level of discomfort with emotions, especially other people's emotions. Yeah. And when we feel that discomfort, like we talk about over and over again, you know. Everything he wants on the other side of uncomfortable.

Mm-hmm. So lean in a little bit to that discomfort 'cause that's where you grow. Yeah. And that's where you offer the, the safety, the value, the trust, the empathy, the acceptance. Yeah. Making your partner, the other person feel seen and heard and validated like that. It's gonna take a little discomfort until you get used to what That feels like it for all of us.

It's a little bit uncomfortable responding to people who are feeling things that we don't understand. Like that's just. It just is so lean a little bit into that discomfort and show a little bit of empathy And accept and acknowledge their, feelings without judging them, without trying to agree or disagree with them.

Yeah, and I think that was the other that leads into, I think the other big one is, when we talked about it earlier, is mis we just misunderstand what validation means. Mm-hmm. And we think that we have to agree or understand the feeling and so. Making the person explain it. So we shy away from it all together.

Mm-hmm. And, you know, hopefully we've busted that myth that you don't have to understand it. Mm-hmm. You don't have to agree with it. , it's just about hearing them and understanding the fact that for them it really sucks. Mm-hmm. And to just acknowledge that for them. Yeah. So I think that's a big one, is just misunderstanding of what emotionally validating the feelings means.

Right. You don't have to agree with it, you just have to not judge it. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. So I would say that that's a big one. Mm-hmm. Agreed. The last thing I think that makes us stumble when it comes to a validating someone else's emotions is what we're distracted. Like we're on our phone.

Life is busy, like for sure, and we all got our own stuff to deal with. A hundred percent. Everyone's got the ticker in their mind running through all the things they have to do. Mm-hmm. Everyone's got the emails that are outstanding. They need to be responded to. The texts that, oh, I still haven't responded to since Sunday.

Someone reached out. Like there's, everyone's got those things going on and sometimes our nose is in our phone and sometimes. , we're in the middle of something and when that person is sharing their feelings and we don't give them our undivided attention 'cause we just have so much going on. Yeah.

That creates an environment that makes it easy for us to trip. Mm-hmm. you've only got one ear on the problem, so you're not really tuned into what they're saying and how they're saying it. And instead of not judging, instead of accepting, understanding and empathizing, you aren't paying attention, so you go in to fix it.

Or you aren't paying attention, so you're like, I don't understand this, so it's not for me. I'm out.

And when it's not for me, I'm out. When you do that, you've slipped into stonewalling, which is what we talked about last week and it's creates. Distance and disconnection in your relationship. Yeah. I think if you're distracted, a lot of times you're just like, oh, there's a problem. Okay. Like, let's get it dealt with, let's get it fixed so that I can get back to whatever I was doing the other thing I'm doing.

Yeah. That's distracting me. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good one.

And so when you are on the receiving end of not feeling, getting your emotions validated, , I think we've, touched on this, but. It certainly leads to feelings of rejection. Mm-hmm. Like you're feeling misunderstood. You're not feeling seen, heard, or validated. It, triggers that unworthiness seed that we all have inside of us, like with that epidemic of unworthiness in the world, that when your feelings are judged and not accepted, then you have that, feeling of rejection come up inside of you.

Feels like it feels like the other person doesn't care enough about you. Yeah. You feel dismissed. You don't feel like they care. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Emotional disconnection we talked about already percent, but it's like. , obviously, if you share your feelings with me and I. Cut that off. I try to fix the problem.

I don't validate them. The chances of you bringing anything up with me again goes down each time. Yeah. Until eventually you just stop. Yeah. And we're completely disconnected emotionally. We're not sharing feelings. We're not sharing what's going on with ourselves. We're talking about bills and kids drop offs.

We're we're living different lives. Yeah. Completely different lives. Roommates, and I think we've seen a lot of that. Yes. Through the coaching that. You know when we don't emotionally validate when we feel like roommates, when we feel like we're living separate lives. Mm-hmm. And we're just two ships passing in the night talking about bills and logistics.

Yeah. That's because you are emotionally disconnected. Correct. And until you fix that, you will continue to be ships passing in the night. Two roommates talking about kids bills and logistics. Yeah. So if you want to bring back the romance, the. Thing that brought you two together in the first place.

The love the connection, then validate the emotional feelings. Yeah. That's, where you need to start. And I love that validation is simple, right? Like, it's just, don't, judge, don't dismiss, accept. , you don't have to understand them, just accept them. Mm-hmm. Just agree with what they're saying.

It's all you have to do. , it's like a wildly easy concept and when you think about it, it has nothing to do with you. It's how they're feeling. Percent. So it's not like you have to be put out in any way. No. It's not like it's, you have to change your mind in any way. You don't have to change your thinking, your mindset on, any of it other than they're a human being, having this feeling that must suck for them.

Correct. That's literally all you have to do. Yeah. And then like. Give them a hug. Yeah. Like we tend over complicate to over complicate these things. Relationships, I don't want to dismiss because there's a lot of people out there who are struggling in the relationships. Mm-hmm. But we're focused on the wrong things.

Mm-hmm. And if we focus on the right things, relationships are not that hard. Mm-hmm. They're actually quite simple and it's really just about. Make the other person feel, seen, heard, loved, respected, and valued. Mm-hmm. What it all boils down to is that if you do that, you are 95% of the way to the most amazing relationship you will ever have in your life.

Like, mic drop my boom, we're out. Like, you're right. , it's what it boils down to. And when I say that, , . We overcomplicate things. It's simple. Sometimes it's hard to do because we've been trained for so long to do it a certain way.

Mm-hmm. That it's a hard thing , to adjust, to shift. Yeah. But if you keep working on it, you keep doing it. Incremental shifts. Incremental shifts. Incremental shifts. By the time you look back and, see , you're gonna look at all the progress you've made. Mm-hmm. And it's gonna be tremendous. Yeah.

And it's really not gonna feel like it was that heavy a lift. Yeah. Emotional validation is almost like the easy button in your relationship, at least the easier button in your relationship when you can start doing this often. And well, we, we talked about resentment goes away, frustration goes away, conflicts deescalate.

You feel safe, you feel trust, you feel intimacy. Like everything, the whole thing shifts. Mm-hmm. When you start validating emotions. Well, yeah. It's, it's the easier button in your relationship. And the thing is, that once you start to rebuild that emotional connection, you make someone feel seen, heard, valued, respected.

Then the physical stuff comes back. Perfect. 'cause I know a lot of times mm-hmm We hear that, you know? Yeah. But we're not, you know, physically intimate anymore. Yeah. It starts with the emotional side. , it starts before the bedroom. And so once you start getting this right, then you'll notice it follows the other stuff comes into play as well.

So some tips for practicing emotional validation for Let's try and keep it simple and easy. Yeah. Yeah. Just be present when someone comes to you, when your spouse comes to you and has a concern.

That feeling of frustration, even when you don't understand it and you don't agree with it. Mm-hmm. Just be there and listen. Mm-hmm. To it. Be present and acknowledge it. And acknowledge it. Mm-hmm. And then, you know what? If you really want bonus points and they're not actually bonus points, it's actually pretty critical.

It's just. Ask a follow up question or two. Open-ended. Yeah, just like, , help me, tell me more about that. Yeah. Help me understand more about that. Mm-hmm. What, did that feel like for you? And then, they tell you where they're coming from. And then maybe at some point you do start to understand.

Where they're coming from and see where they're coming from. That makes it easier to empathize. Mm-hmm. When you can actually really, truly see where they're coming from and, feel the feeling that they're feeling, that's empathy. Yeah. I think the other tip is just to , resist the urge to fix it. Stop trying to fix, like, especially dudes, dudes have a Yeah, we do.

Women do it too, but we, but we do have a. Default mode. Yeah. That where we just wanna fix the problem and it's because we would just wanna make our, spouse happy. Mm-hmm. At the end, of the day though, is that, that's not what the woman, the spouse wants. Mm-hmm. A lot of times the spouse wants to just feel, seen, heard, valued, respected, and loved.

Correct. And so stop trying to fix the problem She doesn't always need. Superhero wearing a cape. Mm-hmm. , you are superhero enough. Just show up and listen. That's, the superhero that she needs mm-hmm. That your spouse needs, and you don't have to fix every single problem. Yeah. And it helps to normalize what they're feeling.

Right. Like, don't make them feel like a weirdo for feeling that, Hey, yeah. That I can, understand that. Even if you can't, I can understand that. That must be hard. Yeah. Meet them with some empathy so they don't feel so alone. Shame thrives in the loneliness. Yeah. And the last one is, I think, gonna be tough for some people but I think very, very, very necessary in that a lot of times we don't acknowledge and validate someone else's feelings because we haven't done it with our own.

Oh yeah. So it's really about when you have those not so. Great feelings, emotions, and you're not sure what to do with them, and you just like bury them. They're not ever buried forever. They will come up at some point, somehow some way. So when you feel them in the moment, practice understanding, like just being with it and not judging it necessarily, like validating yourself.

Like, I shouldn't feel this way. This is weird. why am I being a sissy? Or why am I, feeling like this in this situation? And. It's however you're feeling is completely normal. Because feeling are because you're feeling because you are a human being. Feeling that feeling.

You're entitled to it and so don't have shame around whatever it is that you're feeling. It's don't judge it. Yeah, don't judge it. Just feel it and let it go. When you do allow it to just kind of work its way through you, like I feel really sad in this moment. I don't wanna feel sad, I'm gonna bury it.

When you do that, it comes up eventually later on, and , if you can't emotionally validate yours, you won't emotionally validate your partners. However, if you feel that feeling and you're like, Hmm, I'm just gonna sit with it. Why do I feel this way? And without judgment, just understand where it's coming from, why you feel that way.

Open-ended questions with yourself. Yeah. Just like, what is going on? Why, am I feeling this way? Where this is here, I don't understand it. And eventually it'll come to you and eventually that feeling within like a minute will be gone. Mm-hmm. Like it will literally leave your body. It's only when we resist our feelings that they stick around and bubble up to the surface unexpectedly.

Yeah. , that one's a little tougher, I think. Yeah. That's more advanced. That's level two. It's level two, but the first, the first six are level. Level. Give it a give it level one. Give it a go though, because it's a game changer for you for sure. So emotional validation is the easier button in your relationship.

So share this episode. Someone who could use an easier button in any relationship. We talk about it a lot through the lens of, being married, but it applies in every relationship in your life. So if anyone in your life, because I know somebody does, needs to know, how to deploy the easier button in their relationship. Share the episode. That would be helpful.

 Okay. Before we wrap up, we just want to remind you about something really special we've created. The Infinite Relationship Mastermind. It's like a VIP backstage pass for anyone looking to level up any and all of their relationships in their life. And we're not just talking about the relationship with your spouse.

Though it does include that one. We're also talking about the relationships with yourself, your friends, your business partners, your family, all the important people in your life. This mastermind is for anyone ready to take all of their relationships to a whole new level. Whether you're thriving and you want to thrive even more, or you're feeling a little stuck and need some extra love and support.

We host exclusive live courses. We create a safe, no judgment space where members can just open up and honestly just have a ton of fun connecting with other amazing people who are, building stronger, relationships. And to be honest, the transformations we've seen are incredible and it's exactly why we do what we do.

It fills our heart like nothing else. Now, we are super protective of this community because it is all about trust, love and support. So it's not for everybody, but if this does sound like it might tickle your fancy and honestly, who doesn't love having their fancy tickles, then check out the link in the show notes and reach out to us if you have any questions, we'd love to chat and see if it's a fit for you.

And as always, thank you so much for being a part of our journey on The Road of life. And remember, you've got this, and we're here to help you every step of the way. So we'll see you next week. Bye for now.

And that's all for now. See you next week. Bye