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Episode Transcription

Welcome back to another episode of the Rota Life podcast with Meredith and Craig. We're happy to have you this week. We've got what?

I'm excited for this week's episode. .

It's gonna be really helpful for people. We're gonna get into giving and receiving help. Giving and receiving support. Giving and receiving anything in a relationship. Why one is often harder than the other.

When you're in a relationship, there's always give and take. Mm-hmm. There's always give and take. So when one person's giving, the other person's receiving, but it's so much harder to receive. Receive.

I know, right?

Mm-hmm.

Giving so much easier.

Yeah.

I would 100% rather give pretty much anything any day than

have to ask for help.

Have to ask for it.

Yeah. And I think that's normal for a lot of people. I think a lot of people struggle with raising their hand and asking for help, and that's what this episode's gonna be about, why, why it's so hard for people to ask for help and then how we can reframe it, make it easier,

and why it's so important. Like right off the hop, let's just go there first. if one person in a relationship was always the one giving, and one person was always the one receiving. You're gonna have a super imbalanced relationship.

Yeah. So right off the bat, , we need to get good at both.

Yeah.

Otherwise, there's gonna be resentment. We're gonna delve into a whole bunch of other issues on I'm always the one giving you help. You're never the one giving me help. Then , that's when the resentment comes in, whether it's in your marriage,

she leads to score keeping.

Yeah. In any relationship, business partners, parents, like literally any relationship. Yeah. So right off the bat, it's important because even when you feel like you are the strong one and you're the one that's usually giving the help and the support and all the things, it's important that you're able to also receive it.

'cause otherwise there's gonna be an imbalance, there's gonna be score keeping, there's gonna be resentment. So right off the hop, let's just start there.

So what makes it so hard? To ask for help.

Well, it's vulnerable. Mm-hmm. To ask for help, it means that you aren't perfect. It means that you don't have all the answers.

It means that you're lacking in some way, shape, or form, and you need someone to come in and help you. That's uncomfortable and scary for a lot of people and it's very vulnerable. Yeah. And we shy away from that.

I think there's also a bit of a fear of burdening someone. I am someone who is working on her boundaries and being more direct. You're doing

a great job, by the way.

Thank you. And not saying yes to things I don't wanna say yes to. Mm-hmm. Whereas before I was the ultimate people pleaser. Sure I can do that.

Oh, I don't

wanna do this a hundred percent. In every area of my life for sure.

And then at

least a resentment like, ugh, why would she ask me to do this? Why would you say yes for sure. Yeah.

And so if someone's asking me for help, they couldn't trust that I was saying yes because I wanted to help. I was saying yes 'cause I felt obligated to help. 'cause I wanted to come through for everybody.

'cause I was a people pleaser. And the trust has to go both ways. If you want someone to be able to ask you for help, they need to trust that you are going to be honest about your offer for help, because otherwise this fear of being a burden to someone. Can be a legitimate fear. It could be

true.

Yeah. In my past, I certainly would've let some resentment creep in 'cause I didn't really wanna say yes.

And so then I would look at and ask, are you the person then that is projecting in that like a hundred percent. Right? Like, because you feel that when you say yes to someone Yep. And you feel like a burden, it's probably because you aren't willing and you're.

Yep. Seeking your perfectionism and you're not willing to raise your hand and say, I need help.

Yep. ? Because when I say yes, I'm people pleasing in the past and not saying yes because I want to. So you feel like I have that fear of being a burden on someone else, that they're just gonna say yes because I ask, not because they want to.

They're

doing the same things that you do.

Couldn't agree more. Yeah. That's probably a big one. So if you've got that fear of burdening someone, maybe have a quick look inside and see if, when you do offer to help someone, are you doing it because you want to? Or because you're a people pleasing perfectionist who needs everyone's approval.

Yeah.

, when asking for help, like society, like for me growing up, it was like never let them see you sweat, , never show weakness. And so for me it was, you always had to have the stoic front. Mm-hmm. And never be able to show that. Asking for help is the opposite of that. Really? Mm-hmm.

Like it's, even though it's not a weakness, , it's a strength and we're gonna talk about that. Mm-hmm. But it's perceived, but it can perceive, be perceived as a weakness. Mm-hmm. And so I think that is a big reason why many people shy away from

Yeah. And part of that is the loss of control.

, I think there's also some sort of benefit, extra benefit in society to being able to be in full control and do it all yourself. Like you get bonus points for achieving your goal and not needing any help to do it.

Yeah. 'cause you're in control. Yeah. , if you actually really evaluate it though, most people aren't achieving all their goals with no help.

No, no. Nobody is zero. . Nobody becomes successful without help along the way. Right.

Relinquishing a bit of control and asking for help is the only way to get there, especially in a relationship.

Yeah.

I think another reason we struggle to ask for help, especially in relationships, is our lack of self-worth.

Yeah. Like, and it probably goes a little bit to the burden, it's tied to that a little bit probably, but I don't feel, again, something I'm super working on was, is my level of self worth and my self love, but. It was hard to ask for help. It's hard to ask for help when you don't feel like you're worthy of getting the help.

Mm-hmm.

You're not worthy of receiving the help, so asking for it becomes really challenging.

Yeah. We have to do that in our work to understand our own self-worth, to know that we have it. Mm-hmm. So that we can raise our hand and say, no, , I don't have all the answers figured out, and this person knows that they have the answer, they can help me.

Mm-hmm. I just need to raise my hand. And be willing and, understand that you really are worthy just being a human being on this planet. Mm-hmm. That you are worthy of your goals, your dreams, and of getting help along the way to achieve them. A hundred percent.

So we talked a little bit a minute ago about how. It's perceived as a weakness, but it's actually a strength. Mm-hmm. And the reason I think that it's such a strength is that when you are able to raise your hand and say, I need help, it actually builds the relationship.

It builds trust in the relationship. Mm-hmm. Because the other person sees that you aren't. Putting up this mask or this front of being perfect. we cannot relate to perfect. I cannot relate to someone else who's never mm-hmm. Needed help in their life. And we know people who sometimes have this air about them that they're never wrong.

They can't ask for help, and we can't relate to them. . , there's a gap in that relationship. Yeah. it's unfortunate, but until they're able to get past that perfectionism and, able to see that vulnerability is a strength, that relationship will always be a little distant, less than what we would really love.

Yeah. I think the other important piece is trust. Trust, and so you're talking about connection and how we don't connect with perfection and , we only connect with the vulnerable parts of each other. The other piece of it is trust. Trust is not built between two people. I don't build trust with you when I offer to help you.

That's not where trust gets built in a relationship. Trust gets built in our relationship when you ask me for help. Mm-hmm. So by asking someone for help, you're actually building trust with that person. we all think it's the opposite. Oh, they're gonna trust me if I offer to help them. No, they're gonna trust me if I ask them for help.

So that's how you build trust in a relationship. I think the other important piece of why it's so important to ask for help is there's a ton of research that shows how human beings feel happy and fulfilled in the world. And the number one way to to create happiness, joy, and fulfillment in the moment

coming through for others

is to help somebody else.

Yeah. So if you don't ask someone for help, you're actually denying them the chance, the opportunity to help you, which is denying them the opportunity to be happier. Mm-hmm. Like you literally have taken happiness away from somebody else because you wouldn't ask them for help.

Selfish, really? When you think super selfish, you're selfish.

When you think about it. Like if you need help, it's selfish to not ask for help. A hundred percent. 'cause you're robbing people of the opportunity to help you. People want to come through. Absolutely. , people love. Being able to have that feeling of coming through for someone else and you're robbing someone that of that experience when you don't raise your hand.

Yeah, that's great. Like how much fun did we have building the chicken coop with Matt and Becca?

Oh, I loved it. Right? Yeah, it was great.

, it was a lot of fun. That was, , and I felt good when we left that we helped them.

And the thing was, is that. Our relationship got better because of it. Like it, it got deeper.

Absolutely. Our bond grew by the mere fact of being there. Yeah. Of building a chicken coop. Right. Something small. It wasn't anything huge. , and they didn't really need us. They didn't need us. At the end of the day, like that chicken coop would've got built with or without us. It would've probably taken a little longer, but it still would've got done.

Mm-hmm. But by them raising their hand and saying, Hey, would you guys like to come over and help us with this? It made us feel really good to be able to come through for them, and it deepened our bond for sure, and it's a really cool thing. Yeah.

So if you want to build strong relationships, buy a chicken coop and ask a friend to build it.

Buy the materials for a chicken coop and ask a friend to build it.

So asking for help is so hard, but we know it's so important in any relationship.

Mm-hmm.

How do we make it a little easier?

Well, I think we need to address the worthiness thing first. Mm-hmm. Like if, the issue is a worthiness problem, we need to really focus inward and focus on our own worthiness, and that starts with a lot of inner work, obviously.

Mm-hmm. And we've talked a lot about that in different episodes, but one is, really , rewiring your brain to, I'm not worthy to, I'm worthy of accepting help. Mm-hmm. The tactics and all the things. There's so much you can do there. We've got an episode on it. It's in other episodes. We'll reference that in the show notes.

Yeah. But I think it's really addressing the worthiness problem, because I think a lot of the time, that's where the, the heart of it stems from, is that there, you know, perfectionism, all these things is like, , I have to be right. I'm not worthy. Mm-hmm. ,

and so going, the second piece of that, the follow up piece of that, I think is also addressing the feeling like a burden is, are you projecting.

You are always saying yes, like I was talking about as the ultimate quintessential people pleaser, I was saying yes to people because I felt obligated, not because I wanted to help them, and I wanted to, you know, get all the external validation and credit up coming through for somebody versus actually just wanting to do it.

So is that, how are you saying yes to people? Why are you saying yes to people? And if you find yourself saying yes for the same reasons that I was saying yes, which was for all the other outside reasons, not because I actually wanted to help. Then I treat that like a burden, then I'm gonna feel that like a burden.

So if you're worried about being a burden to someone else, I think the first step is looking inward and addressing how are you saying yes? Why are you saying yes to helping other people and fixing that piece so that you won't feel like a burden because you won't be projecting that out from you. Mm-hmm.

Yep. Couldn't agree more

And another one is we really need to get clear why we're asking for help. What is it that we actually need to, I think too often we're struggling with something. We don't actually know what we need, and so we don't want to raise our hand because we, I don't know what the full ask is. I don't wanna actually know what I'm struggling.

I know that. Mm-hmm. I can feel that. But I don't know, dunno what I'm asking for. Yeah. I don't know what's gonna help. Mm-hmm. But I think it's okay to one, just say that you're struggling and you're not really sure and just be open and honest about that. Mm-hmm. And maybe the help is just helping you get to a place where you understand, you know, what you want, where, where you understand what your needs are.

Yeah. That's one thing. And then the other is, is if you're not quite sure what it is you need, maybe do a little bit of reflection on, well this is what I'm struggling with. What do I actually need? What do I want? What's the feeling within me that's going to, get you to the place where you can kind of pinpoint something that's gonna help you.

Mm-hmm. And then bring that forward and be very specific with what you want. Mm-hmm. Those are, I guess, two options. But I, really do think that even if you don't really know what you want, just raising your hand and saying, I'm struggling with this. Any thoughts? Mm-hmm. Like, , can you help me with it? Do you know?

Mm-hmm. And maybe they don't have the answer, but maybe they can direct you somewhere that, you can get the help. Mm-hmm. So

then I think the third step, so the first step was sort of reframing it, re rewiring your brain a bit on what it means to ask for help. And the second step is getting specific on what it is you need.

Mm-hmm. And the third step I think is just starting small, starting period. Like we need to start anything that we wanna do. We have to take the first step at some point. You have to make the ask. You have to Yeah. Take the action. So start with something small.

Yeah. Can you pick me up a coffee?

Yeah. Something small like that. Build the muscle just doesn't muscle soul like Yeah.

Get good at

it. And then I think it's really important to just be grateful and show gratitude and appreciation mm-hmm. When the help comes through. Mm-hmm. When, the person follows through and, shows up for you to be really grateful and appreciative of that person in, the way that they showed up for you.

Yeah. '

cause they care.

I think those are four good steps. Reframe what? Asking for help means. ' ultimately it's, the ultimate act of selflessness to let someone help you.

Mm-hmm.

Two, get clear on what it is that you need. Three, start, start with something small. Just practice. Build the muscle of asking for help.

And four, be grateful when you get it. Mm-hmm. Show gratitude. Practice gratitude.

And when you do all that, we kind of alluded to the benefits, but it really does. Like us with Matt and Becca, deepen your bond, deepen your connection better. Your relationship. It advances your relationship. It improves it.

Mm-hmm. Like it literally changed our relationship, being able to spend the day with them. Mm-hmm. Just the act of not only coming through for someone, but. In the process of doing the thing, we got to connect. We got to learn more about each other. Mm-hmm. We got to talk. We got to learn more about their kids and interact with them and we're closer with them now.

We

even got a hug from two of them when we left. Yeah. That was a big step. The

third one's still hanging in there. Yeah. Tough as nails. She's tough. She's tough. She's like, nah, we're good. Maybe a fist bump, but that's it. That's it. That's it. Yeah. You got some work to do with me, but the other two. The whole family, we, got to connect and bond with them.

Mm-hmm. On a level that we would not have been able to otherwise. Mm-hmm. So really, it really deepens your connections.

It deepens your connection, it builds trust, it improves communication because you're getting clearer and being able to articulate what exactly it is that you want and need. So that also builds more trust.

So that connection, that trust and the communication get built even stronger. . ,

the more you ask for help, the more worthy you're gonna feel of, of getting help. Mm-hmm. And so the, worthiness thing, chicken or egg kind of thing. Mm-hmm. But if we can get to a place where we can just at least baby steps, ask for the car, ask for something small, and the more the muscle gets.

Strengthened. The more we're gonna feel worthy of actually getting help because people continue to come through for us. Oh, I asked for help. I got it last time. Obviously they see me as worthy of getting help and I feel worthy of asking for help. It's a snowball that just rolls downhill. You become, become, that's why's easier

to start with a small one and let it roll downhill and get bigger.

Exactly. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Then eventually, maybe some point you can ask someone to help you move. That's the ultimate, that's the Mount Everest of that is the Mount Everest

of asking for help. That's

the Mount Everest of, requests is asking someone to help you move.

If you're over 35, you really want to reconsider that ask.

I think.

Well, yeah. Maybe just. Tread lightly on the moving thing. people are opposed to the moving thing, but, you are still worthy of asking. , but people may hold a boundary on that one. Yeah. So If they say, hell no. Don't take it as an affront on you as, being worthy human being.

Nobody is going to get that help. So don't, stress about it.

Went through over 35 moving. I leave moving to the pros. Yeah, just I did a lot of moving in my twenties. Yeah. Moving is for the pros these days. Yeah, a hundred percent.

So it's important overall in your relationship to have balance. Any relationship you've gotta give and you've gotta receive, you've gotta give help, you've gotta ask for help, you've gotta give apologies, you've gotta ask for apologies, forgiveness, all the things.

Yeah. It's like a baseball game. , you game doesn't work if there's only a pitcher.

Right. Gotta have a catcher. Anyway, there you go.

Share this episode with someone that you know who would get some value from asking for help, from getting better at asking for help.

Couldn't say better myself. Okay, you nailed it.

See you next week. .

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