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Episode Transcription

 Welcome back to another episode of The Road to Life podcast with Meredith and Craig.

We got a good episode

this week. We got a good episode every week. What do we got this week?

This week we're talking about bids for connection. Yeah, and I love this episode. I love this topic. Because we talk a lot about how little things are the big things.

Mm-hmm. The little moments are the big moments. It's all about the little things, like any way you wanna say it. We talk about that a lot.

Yep.

And to me, bids for connection is like the ultimate example of that. Mm-hmm. And the other part that I love about this episode is that it's based on research from John and Julie Gottman, like .

The gold standard of relationship research. Mm-hmm. So , I love when we, introduce a little bit of their stuff too,

which is a lot of the time

Yeah.

They are awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Gold standard for sure.

A hundred percent. So, bids for connection. What is a bid for connection?

Bid for connection or the small everyday moments.

Where you do something for attention or just reaching out

in some way?

Reaching out and saying like, Hey,

over here, verbal or non-verbal. It can be a, Hey, can I get your attention? Or it can be a,

yeah.

Butt tap, or it can be a,

Hmm, it's a verbal or non-verbal way of saying, Hey, I wanna connect with you.

Mm-hmm. It could be as simple as eye contact.

I think one that I've noticed that we do quite often is if we're looking at something that's interesting to us on our phone or on the computer or something, or reading something, we might go, huh? Or Hmm. And the other person will meet, be like, huh, what's that?

What are you up to? What are you learning? Yeah. Share. Yeah. So I think there's two bids there. Yeah. The one is the, hmm. Because I think that's, a bid for connection. Like, Hey, yeah. You should ask me about this.

Yes.

And then when I hear you say that, or vice versa, then we, lean towards each other and say like, what have you got there?

I love this. I did not know you were gonna raise this example. And it's such a good example. I've never thought about it. Like, I feel like my brain just went poof. Yeah. Like it is something that, that I know that I do.

A hundred percent. I think a lot of people do it. Yeah. And that's why I'm saying it because I think this will resonate for people is those are bids for connection.

Yeah. So when your spouse gives that, huh, or Hmm. Or they're reading something or looking at something and then they're, that's a bid for connection for the other person to say, Hey, what do you got going on over there? Right. What's going on? what are you looking at? What are you reading?

What are you learning?

Yeah. Let me in. Yeah. I wanna be a part of it. I wanna

be a part of what you're being a part of right now. And when we don't ask, we're turning away from the other person. So that's a lost bid for connection.

Right. And so according to the Gottman's, the way we respond to bids for connection is the single biggest predictor of whether a relationship will thrive or struggle.

Yeah.

So when I say, huh,

I will, and

you ignore it.

Yeah. And the one-offs where if you're busy, you're sure in the middle of something that's not what we're saying. You don't have to do it every single time. Yeah. But the majority of the time you wanna lean into those bids for connection.

Well, because , that's going to be what determines whether your relationship succeeds or fails.

Right. So, according to the gottman's research in Successsful relationships. Partners lean in, turn toward is the term that they use. Yes. Partners turn toward the bid for connection 86% of the time in struggling relationships.

They do it 33% of the time. Mm-hmm. So to your point, it's not every single time, but 86 out of a hundred times, you lean in, you turn toward that bid for connection. Mm-hmm. Versus less than one. In three times you turn toward it. Mm-hmm. So that's a huge difference. Huge.

I think the thing with bids for connection mm-hmm. Is that they're subtle,

they can be

and they can be so easy to miss.

Mm-hmm.

So I think part of the reason sometimes if we don't lean in and when relationships are struggling, I. We're so disconnected. We're not paying attention. We're distracted.

We're in our own world.

So in romantic relationships, we talked about our bids. Mm-hmm. So , they can be subtle or not so subtle, but there's also bids for connection in non-romantic relationships too. For sure.

Every relationship's got bids for connection.

Right. And sometimes it can be as obvious as a text saying, Hey, do you have a minute? Mm-hmm. That's a bit for connection. Mm-hmm. But they're not always that in your face. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that obvious. Mm-hmm. So sometimes we do have to understand the subtext of what is happening.

It could be that. I've got an example of a friend of ours , our relationship, it's weird because , we talk about relationships all the time, and our relationship was I think both of us were in a place where we weren't really willing to have the difficult conversation. And so some things came off, some miscommunication, and we just kind of were putting it off, putting it off until finally.

We were someplace, and he just kind of came over and started talking about something that neither of us cared about. Mm-hmm. And I know that, that neither of us cared about this thing that he was just talking about, but what I realized was that it was a hidden bid for connection. Mm-hmm. Like it was him reaching out and like, just like, let's.

I

wanna talk to you. Yeah.

I missed what we had before. Yeah. And I know it's a little bit weird right now, but it was a bid for connection. Mm-hmm. And so that by him doing that, it led to me, you know, let's just go have coffee and like,

like figure this out.

Yeah. Let's, talk it through.

And our relationship has never been stronger as a result of that, conversation. Right. So it's, you can really. Miss the bids. Mm-hmm. Like it could have been very easy for me to just be like, well, why is he talking to me about this? Who cares? Mm-hmm. And carried on with my day. Mm-hmm. And never turned towards.

Mm-hmm. But the fact that I, did notice that that's what that was. Mm-hmm. It was really helpful in repairing and, strengthening. Mm-hmm. A really, really important, like, he's one of my best friends and it's a really important relationship in my life.

Mm-hmm. And , to your point, they can be so easy to miss.

Because generally, , it can be like a, Hey, you got a minute to talk. I need to, like, I wanna connect with you. Those are like the flashing signs. It's obvious. Those are obvious. Yeah. The majority of them are more subtle and so they can be super easy to miss. And when you miss them, you miss the opportunity to turn toward, to lean in to that bid for connection.

And when you don't lean in, like we talk about it all the time, you're either getting a little bit closer or a little bit further in everything that you do. Mm-hmm. And so if you missed that bid for connection. You got a little bit further away.

Yeah. And in a relationship where there was already a little bit of friction, a little bit of distance, yeah.

There was a little bit of distance, and it was all completely just misidentified miscommunication. Mm-hmm. It was nothing. But neither of us was really willing to get to that place where we were gonna have that weird conversation about it. Mm-hmm. And it just got to a point where that was a bid for connection.

We should really. Deal with this now. Mm-hmm. And it, yeah, forever changed the trajectory of our relationship and both of our lives. And , it's that important that when there's a bid for connection, it can have that level of impact on your life.

For

sure.

I think that's a great segue into how important these bids for connection are.

Mm-hmm. And whether it's your romantic relationship or a friendship or a business partnership, or your parents or your kids like, 'cause it happens in every relationship. It's the foundation for your emotional intimacy. If someone turns to you with a bid for connection and you turn away, like we said, you've created a little more distance in that relationship.

If you turn toward, you've gotten a little bit closer together and the closer together you are, the stronger the foundation, the more. Vulnerability and intimacy you have in that relationship. So turning toward leaning in is the foundation for your emotional intimacy in that relationship.

Yeah. And when you turn away, , like the person, they throw out this bid for connection, , they lean in, get a

little bit vulnerable.

Yeah. And you turn away, how likely is that gonna happen again? It gets less and less and less likely, they start to feel rejected. Mm-hmm. And, and feel alienated. Mm. So that it's very much less likely to happen again in the future.

Yeah. And eventually they'll stop altogether a hundred percent. When there's no more bids for connection, relationship's done, it's done.

There's no more connection. Mm-hmm. If

your partner comes to you. All the time and says, Hey, check this out. Look what I just found on Instagram or whatever. And you completely ignore and stay in your phone. Mm-hmm. Eventually they're gonna stop coming to you with the funny things that, the things that they find interesting. Mm-hmm. The things that are bringing them joy, they're gonna stop bringing them to you.

Mm-hmm. And then your relationships in a lot of trouble.

Well, and that's a great example. 'cause that's something I used to do a lot of. When you didn't have any social media, if I found something on Instagram that I thought you would find funny or that I found funny and I wanted to share with you, I would often take a screenshot and text it to you.

And knowing what I know now as a bid for connection. Mm-hmm. So I didn't realize it at the time, but that's what I was doing.

Yeah. And then we would talk about whatever it was that you sent me, we would have either a laugh about it, a laugh about it, or we would discuss what it was. If it was something that wasn't funny, that was just interesting or just really important in the world, we would talk about it.

, but it deepened our relationship by having that moment, having that conversation, having the laugh, whatever it was, it, strengthened our bond. Mm-hmm.

So if they're so subtle. They're so easy to miss. How do we make sure that we don't miss them?

We need to get really intentional about understanding our partner and , notice the things that they're doing around us. Like I've noticed the hmm huh little sounds when you're reading something and so I've learned that that's a bid for connection. I reach out, I What do you got there? Share it with me.

So I think it's really understanding and paying attention. Mm-hmm. To your partner and leaning in when they make those noises, grunts sounds, laughs, chuckles, whatever it happens to be. Texts lean into those. They are subtle, but it's being intentional in your relationship is. Seeing those subtleties. Mm-hmm.

And understanding what they mean. Mm-hmm. That's when you start to get to that level, then you're playing a different game.

Yeah. And I think part of it is just becoming aware of them. Like I didn't realize when I was sending the screenshots of the Instagram thing, so that's what I was doing. But you did, and you may not have had the words for them then, but you realized that I was trying to connect with you and.

Now that I think we can put words to it, this that's a my hmm. Is a bid for connection. I'm waiting for you to say what you got there, what's going on, and just the level of awareness makes you more likely to notice them in the future. Like the classic example of your reticular activating system with a, I'm gonna buy a yellow car and now all of a sudden I see that yellow car freaking everywhere.

It's not that everyone else on the planet decided to buy the car after I did, it's that. I'm looking for it now. So just by listening to this episode and understanding what a bid for connection is, you're more likely to see them when they come across your path.

Yeah. And it can be something as subtle as you're walking by and your spouse looks up and just smiles at you.

Mm-hmm. And like, , what are you smiling at? You just, you just, but that's a such a subtle mm-hmm. Bid for connection, that it could just be the smile happens and you just carry on. Mm-hmm. And, move on with your life. Mm-hmm. And nope, that was a lost bid.

Yeah.

There was a moment there where we could have talked about, what are you smiling at?

Mm-hmm. Like, what's going on? And then maybe it was like just you loving you. Like, and then you get that. Mm-hmm. But you miss out on that. If you don't say, you don't lean into it, what's, what's going on?

I think an underrated one, and that we haven't talked about, we've talked about verbal and nonverbal, but there's emotional bids for connection, reaching out and sharing something that's going on with you that you're scared about or mm-hmm. Sometimes when someone shares something that they're feeling vulnerable about, they're anxious about, they're scared for many times, the, spouse will.

Downplay it or like, probably , why are you, don't worry about that. And, and maybe it comes from a good place. Yeah. Sometimes maybe it doesn't, but like most of the time it comes from a good place. It's like, why? Why are you worried about that? Don't worry about that. Mm-hmm. And you don't dig in and, really truly understand where they're coming from.

That's a bid for connection. Mm-hmm. That's them looking to you for support and when you just almost dismiss it. Mm-hmm. Almost as a non-con concern, even though it's a concern that they have, it's legitimate. That's a missed bid for connection.

And I think the emotional bid versus like the verbal and the non-verbal, they're important.

The emotional is probably the most vulnerable because they're sharing something vulnerable with you. Mm-hmm. And if you turn away from that, it, creates even more distance in the relationship than you just not hearing my

Hmm

mm-hmm. Because that one's less intentional. Than the actual sharing of something vulnerable that you're afraid of or worried about, or you know, that creates some level of uncertainty with it.

Something you can do is practice bids for connection. Verbal, nonverbal, like we talked about. Emotional, just practice

Doing them, like sending out a bid for connection. Just start. Putting them out there to the universe, to the person. Mm-hmm. To your spouse, to whoever you're in a relationship with that you're looking to build more connection with.

Start just practicing different types of bids for connection. Mm-hmm. Let's go for a walk together. Let's go sit outside for a minute. , I've been feeling a little off. Can we talk or just,

Hmm. Smile. Squeeze. Yeah. A shoulder grab. Yeah, a bum grab. Just any, bid for connect, practice them, sit next to them and just What are you looking at?

Yeah. What are you reading? What do you got going on? Those are bids. Mm-hmm. Just check in. Those are bids. Mm-hmm. Ask them how their day's going. That's, a bid for connection. And then there's the response when you get a bid for connection. Mm-hmm. We've talked about. Turning toward, mm-hmm.

When you feel that that bid coming, you lean into it, you lean into it, you turn towards it, you follow up, you ask the question, follow up. There's also turning away. Turning away you talked about, which is ignoring it completely. Just, I'm distracted, I just, yep. Nothing. But there's turning against, which is actively discouraging, the bid for connection, like.

If there's one thing to ignore it, there's another, like if someone comes to you and says, Hey, look at this. You'd be like, why are you showing me this? This is stupid. Mm-hmm. That's turning completely against the bid for connection. Mm-hmm. And that's

more damaging, right? 'cause if you just turn away and ignore it, eventually I will stop.

Yeah. It'll take a longer time. Mm-hmm. But if you actively turn against my bids for connection, my. Fear of rejection, my fear of abandonment, my fear of C, all that bubbles up and it's like, and it's gonna happen faster.

Wall wall, you're going to completely stop showing me those things way faster.

Completely. The other difference between turning away and turning against is if I turn away from it, like, ignore it or unintentionally am caught up in something else that I don't actually hear your bid, then it's something completely different. And you get a little bit more grace.

Mm-hmm. Like, maybe he's busy, he's into something, but, but there's no wiggle room. there's no missing. When someone says, that's stupid, why are you showing me that? And having almost like a, a bit of a contempt for the thing. Mm-hmm. That's a completely different experience. And there's no mistaking that for he was just.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. So you get a lot less leeway. Yeah. On turning completely against a bid for connection. That's an exponential. It's something that you just don't want to do. Fair. I think an underrated relationship that we haven't talked about is kids. Mm-hmm. Because kids all are also making bids for connection a lot. Yeah. Probably

, way more than average. Yeah. Yeah. ,

And I think it can get really overwhelming and frustrating for parents because they're so busy with trying to make dinner and they're.

Kids are crawling up their butt. Literally. Yeah. But that's a bit like, and sometimes it's, you know, just looking for attention, but mm-hmm. But really sometimes it's bids for connection. Mm-hmm. And it's really important to acknowledge those and, and make sure that we're not making our kids feel as though they're not worthy of our attention.

Mm-hmm. But there's also a balance of I gotta get stuff done too. Mm-hmm. And I'm not a parent, so I'm not gonna go too far into it, , but understanding that kids also make bids for connection. And that's something that. Parents are gonna wanna watch out for. Mm-hmm. Especially the turning against Keeping a real tight eye on the turning against, yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

So like no matter who it is and no matter what relationship it is, like you talked about a great example of a friendship. We talked about kids, we talked about spouse, every single relationship in your life. There is bids for connection.

Yeah.

Going both ways. Yeah. We're human beings.

,

we, we're, we're meant to wired for connection to do life together.

Mm-hmm. And it's a matter of tuning into it. So you're aware now of this thing called bids for connection. Now you're gonna become more aware of, are you leaning into them? Are you turning toward them? Are you turning away from them, just ignoring them, or are you actively turning against them and.

Choosing to turn toward, especially in those important relationships in your life.

Mm-hmm. And turning towards doesn't mean you have to engage immediately in the thing that someone wants to show you, but it could be as simple as, Hey, I'm just finishing up something. , can you show me that in five minutes?

10 minutes? I

hear you. I'm just right in the middle of something. Yeah. , I just need to finish

my thought and then I'm all yours. And you can show me your cat meme.

Yeah. A hundred percent.

Right.

So I think this week I would. Put out a challenge to everybody listening to pay close attention to the bids for connection

in your life.

In your life. Mm-hmm.

Notice when someone is trying to connect with you and just make that intentional effort. To turn toward them to lean into their bid for connection, even in a teeny, tiny way.

Yeah. And I think even, you know, aside from that, do that but also start practicing bids for connection. Yes. So don't wait for someone to make a bid to you.

Yeah. Take control, but get out there and start making some bids for connection. Mm-hmm. So that you get better at understanding what they are, seeing them when someone else does it, so that you can turn in towards it. And when you do, your relationships get so much better. I. Promise you, like, I, speak from experience on this, that bids for connection are incredibly important and my relationships have gotten so, so much better as I've learned to understand what they are and to see them when they happen.

Yeah. So lean into those bids for connection. 'cause relationships are built in the small moments. Relationships are built and lost. In the small moment. So every time you lean in and you turn toward a bid, you're building trust, you're building intimacy, you're building connection, you're strengthening the relationship.

So lean into them and practice them on your own and share this episode with afr. That could be a bid for connection. That's a, I'm just

gonna say that's a bid for connection. That's a bid for connection. Mm-hmm. Like you literally practice. Sharing this episode with someone, and that is actually fulfilling on the homework of the challenge of, you know, putting out there a bit for connection to improve a relationship.

Mm-hmm. Because if someone is willing to share something of value that they got value from with someone else, that's the greatest gift in the world that you could give someone, is that, Hey, this really helped me and I think it would really help you too. Here's something that I want you to have.

Share it.

Share it. And on that note, we love you more and we'll see you next week.

before we wrap up, we just want to remind you about something really special we've created. The Infinite Relationship Mastermind. It's like a VIP backstage pass for anyone looking to level up any and all of their relationships in their life. And we're not just talking about the relationship with your spouse.

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It fills our heart like nothing else. Now, we are super protective of this community because it is all about trust, love and support. So it's not for everybody, but if this does sound like it might tickle your fancy, then check out the link in the show notes and reach out to us if you have any questions, we'd love to chat and see if it's a fit for you.

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