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 Welcome back to another episode of the Rota Life podcast with Meredith and Craig. What do we got this week? Okay,

 this week we got into an interesting conversation lately in our relationship mastermind. Mm-hmm. Talking about self-worth, people pleasing and boundaries.

Mm-hmm.

And , something super interesting came up and it was that low self-worth.

Can manifest in two different, very looks like opposite ways. Opposite ways, ways.

Mm-hmm.

And so for me, my low self-worth manifested as people pleasing.

Yeah.

Zero boundaries. Whatever anyone needed done from me, I can do it. Mm-hmm. Because I need the external validation that comes from coming through for somebody else.

Yeah. That the pat in the back, the gold star that I get. I needed that because my self worth was so low. Someone else on the call had the complete opposite,

and I would lean more towards for sure, this one as well, is that I would just put up walls. Mm-hmm. I would just remove myself from having any sort of human interaction or getting close to people.

Mm-hmm. I would put up walls so I didn't have to do that.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, and that's exactly how the conversation went. I talked about how I was very. Not good at boundaries in my old life. And she's like, I was very good at boundaries. But in fact it was an over boundary building a wall to shut herself off and protect herself.

Yep. From other people. That's what it is.

It's protecting people. Mm-hmm. A hundred percent.

So low self-worth really is the feeling of, I'm not enough. And when you feel like you're not enough, it feels like rejection,

judgment, failure. And so you put up the wall one way? Mm-hmm. Me? Yeah. I will put up the wall so that I don't feel those things from you. Mm-hmm. Like we're not gonna get close enough where you're gonna be able to reject me, judge me. Mm. Or whatever. Mm-hmm. I think that you're going to do right wall up.

So that's your strategy.

Yeah.

My strategy is I'm gonna overdeliver and do whatever it is that you need me to do so that I don't get the rejection and the feeling of failure. And so we have complete opposite. We're both trying to avoid. The feelings of rejection, the feelings of failure, the feelings of criticism, abandonment.

We're both trying to avoid those things. You're heading them off at the past by walling off, and I am like, sure, , but whatever in the whole world you want from me, I'll absolutely give it to you so that you will give me a nice little pat in the back and send me on my merry way.

Mm-hmm.

Interesting, isn't it?

Yeah. Like the same root cause, but complete opposite manifestations of it.

But the crazy part is, either way. You still feel like you're not enough at the end of the day? Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Because you haven't done the work to actually deal with the root of the issue, which is your own interpretation and the way you see yourself.

Yeah. And so, yeah, I've walled myself off from you and I now don't feel that rejection or anything from you because I've rejected you. Mm-hmm. And I'm over here in my own world, yet I still feel deep down inside me. Mm-hmm. That there's something missing and that I'm not worthy of the things that I want in this life because I haven't done the work.

And not only that, but now I've reinforced because , I've walled everybody off. So I don't get any sort of

self-fulfilling prophecy. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

And now I'm left with myself and my thoughts. Scary place. Yeah. No one wants to be there.

Yeah. Again, for me, the complete opposite. I don't feel worthy.

I don't feel like I'm good enough, so I desperately need someone to tell me that I'm good enough. Pat on the

back, pat on the head Pat, the

Exceptional Performance Review, like whatever the criteria is, I desperately needed that external validation so that I could for five minutes. Feel like I was good enough.

I get a bit of a reprieve from that. I'm not enough, but again, same as you, because I hadn't done the work to build up my own self-worth, self-love, and feeling good enough that no amount of external validation was ever going to make me feel it on the inside.

Yeah. So it's, really about people pleasing and doing everything you possibly can and, basically forgetting your own needs mm-hmm.

At the expense of everyone else's completely versus. Walling yourself off completely avoiding any sort of vulnerability or any sort of interaction with people that feels even the slight bit uncomfortable or that gives the impression that you're weak. Mm-hmm. You avoid weakness at all costs.

Mm-hmm. You put up walls and you're weak. You put up the front like, oh, I'm tough. I don't need people. Like, it's but the, impacts to relationships are just, it's one of the biggest things I learned from my previous marriage is like living life that way and not dealing with your own worthiness.

It just walls you off from everyone. Mm-hmm. Including the person that you're supposed to be closest with. And you know, , if you can't show vulnerability, it's literally fuel for your relationship. It's a superpower for your relationship. If you can't be vulnerable, your relationship will not survive.

Mm-hmm. Can confirm. Mm-hmm.

No problem with that. It happened and it was great and we're here now and this is, it wasn't great in the moment, but it's great now. This, this is where we're supposed to be, needed to go through that needed to learn some lessons to get to the place where we are now, whereas vulnerability superpower, let's break down these walls.

Mm-hmm. And let's instead of walling ourself off from people, let's deal with the worthiness that I'm not enough within us.

And so it's interesting that in each situation, the way we deal with that feeling inside of us. Is to make it even harder for us to feel that the thing, we wanna feel.

So you've walled yourself off so that no one can get in.

Yeah, I can't let people in so that they see the real me and reject it. Right. Because I already feel I'm not enough. So if I let you in and see the real me, , I think that you'll also see that I'm not enough. Right. And reject me.

Right. And I'm not having that. So I'm gonna reject you by putting this wall up.

Right. So you've made it even harder for someone to get through and try to get through to you that they think that you are enough. Yeah. But you've made it way harder for someone to, get in there. They're not coming

in.

Right.

They're out.

And so my approach, which was to let myself down and come through for everybody else to get my five minutes of feeling enoughness, created a self-fulfilling vicious cycle that. Part of the reason I didn't feel enough is 'cause I couldn't trust myself.

Yeah.

I had no confidence in myself.

'cause I never came through on a promise I made to myself ever.

You were reinforcing the fact that you'd never come through of it yourself by always coming through for other people. You didn't have the bandwidth at the time or the energy to come through for yourself. Correct. So therefore it was just a self-fulfilling prophecy of I never come through for myself,

so I can't trust myself, so I can't have any confidence in myself, so I'm not enough.

So I'm not, good enough. Yeah. Like I'm not even good enough for me. How can I be good enough for anybody and I'm. Letting myself down every time I turn around so that I can get five minutes of gold star from somebody else. And so we both created this self-fulfilling situation where we're never gonna feel good enough because you won't let anyone in to, give you even the remotest inkling that maybe you're good enough.

And I can't get myself to believe it because I keep letting myself down. We create that kind of vicious cyclone where we can't escape from it.

Yeah. And it has such downstream impacts, right? Mm-hmm. To like you and your relationship. So for, you as a people pleaser, what we're like, you know, not addressing them and then it, turns into emotional exhaustion and resentment.

So talk, to it from a people pleaser perspective.

Well, it's exhausting. Yeah. Like it's exhausting. Work is a great example of it. That, you know, my boss or someone in leadership would come and like, do you have capacity to take this thing on? Mm-hmm. My answer was always, yes. Yes, a

hundred

percent. I always have capacity. I'll always figure it out. Out. Even though

you're overflowing, your cup is overflowing.

You have nothing left.

I'm coming in no B first thing. I'm the first one in. I'm the last one at like. It didn't matter. I didn't have any capacity.

But then what does that do for the relationship with the person that you've now said yes to?

Well, it creates resentment. Yeah, for sure.

You're bitter, you're like, oh, for sure.

I Harper resentment towards you. Yeah. Yeah, a hundred percent. I get a little bit self-righteous and I, dig into myself righteousness and it breeds contempt and resentment and score keeping, and it erodes the trust in the relationship because they can't trust me to say no. Because I won't say no.

Mm-hmm. Because I can't say no, because I need that gold star valid. Mm-hmm. I don't trust them to see that I'm exhausted and, not ask me. Because they think they can trust me.

Mm-hmm.

It's not their responsibility to know if you're exhausted or not.

Correct. And the problem, the self-fulfilling prophecy part of it is I always came through, I always delivered.

So when they, ask if I have capacity, I say yes, and I deliver. What are they supposed to think?

Yeah. And the reason you have capacity is because you just give up something that you need. Correct. Recharge or something in your life that is important to you. You'll just give that up until I'm

completely depleted.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's exhausting.

Mm-hmm. And from the other side, from building walls, it's basically you just detach emotionally from everyone. Like you just go into this, like we call it, I guess you just kind of go into turtle mode, I guess. Right? Like you just kind of turtle and you go within and it's into your shell.

Yeah.

Into your safe place. Mm-hmm.

And it's just like a really, like lonely place. Mm-hmm. Even if you're surrounded by people, , you're never really. There. Mm-hmm. Like you're there in body, but in, you know, emotionally, you don't feel connected to anybody. So it feels lonely even around people.

A hundred percent. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And so then the more you feel that, the less you even wanna be around people. Mm-hmm. Because doesn't make you feel good. I feel lonely anyway. It feels lonelier when you're in a room full of people and you feel lonely than if you're at home. Mm-hmm. By yourself.

And you feel lonely. Yeah. There's a reason for that. Because there's no one around. But then when you enter, put yourself in the situation where there's people around and you still feel lonely, it feels worse. Yeah. So you're just like, okay, well I'll just remove myself from that situation. Mm-hmm. And then it just

self

perpetuates.

Yeah. It just gets worse. Right.

And the risk of that long term in your relationships is it just drives the wedge further and further. So on your end, being a people pleaser, always showing up for others and never showing up for yourself, it just drives a wedge further and further. The resentment builds.

You don't come through for yourself, so you start to feel even worse. The worse about yourself. The

self-worth spirals down.

And for me it's really, I just keep withdrawing, withdrawing, withdrawing, and it just drives the wedge further and further and further and the wall gets thicker and thicker and thicker and higher and higher and higher until it's gets to a point where it's just not, you don't know how to get this wall down.

Yeah, exactly. So the dealing with the, I am not enough internally has such critical impact. On your relationships. Mm-hmm. Like it, you have to deal with that to, to get your relationships a place that you really want to have it thriving. You have to deal with that. I'm not enoughness, so how do we deal with it?

You recognize the pattern for one, which one,

which pattern have you got? So

are you the under

boundary or the over boundary? Yeah. Are you the,

I'll

do whatever you need. Just pat

me on my head

please.

Yes. Gimme a scratch, a belly rub. Gimme a treat. Or are, the dog or are you the cat? Or you just go off and do your own thing and just isolate yourself from the world because you hate the world because you know, really you have an issue with yourself, but you're manifesting you.

Projected out to the world. So are you a dog or a cat, I guess is like kind of the situation here.

I'm the dog. You're the cat. I guess so, yeah. And I don't even like cats'. You're allergic to them hard. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. So recognize the pattern and then understand, the root cause of that.

Like why, are you that way? Why do you feel like you're not enough? Like did it come from, you know, for me, I think part of it was, you know, I'd come home with a 95% on a test and

where's the other 5%? ,

I'd get the test back signed and he'd be like, so what happened to the other 5%? I used to get a little bit coming from a place of love and of course just like supportive, like, you're capable.

You can crush this, you can get a hundred percent, but the message I that landed was nine five is not good enough. Mm-hmm. You need to be a hundred percent. Mm-hmm. Technically 95, not enough. Mm-hmm. So I, I took that on.

I also feel like I got a lot of attention.

For your grades? For For my grades. For being, for coming through for people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like that was who I was, that was my identity was tied to that. And that's a root cause, right?

Yeah. And so for me, like its root cause and in other relationships it could have been that, you know, you either got something from the relationship mm-hmm. Or didn't get what you didn't want or whatever.

But you have to understand, did it come from childhood past relationships or mm-hmm. Just from. Societal expectations. Mm-hmm. Like you talked about. Well, I used to get a lot of praise for coming through for a lot of people. Yeah. My coaches Totally. Teachers. Teachers. All the people,

parents, aunts and uncles.

Like, yeah, you name it. When you got that, it just validated that

mm-hmm.

Approach. Mm-hmm. So I got a lot of praise and validation for doing that. So I kept doing it to the detriment of myself. And I think once you can find that root cause . Just awareness of it. Bringing it to light helps. Make it go away.

Mm-hmm. It is just a matter of identifying the root cause, bring it into the light and be like, that's, and it doesn't have to be a big thing. Yeah. Like 95 to like that. That's not a big thing. It's not, I'm sure your parents don't even remember it. The big

things are the little things. Little things are the big, big things.

Yeah. And

so it doesn't have to be a big thing, but once you can put your finger on it mm-hmm. It helps it make it not so big in your head.

And then once you've identified the root cause, you have to challenge , . The belief that you're not enough, you have to now challenge that. Mm-hmm. And is there something we can turn that to that you can actually believe just as much or more?

Mm-hmm. That's the seed of, you know, getting past that I am not enoughness. Mm-hmm. I am worthy of love and connection. And maybe, you're not there yet, but like maybe there's an interim step. Mm-hmm. But yeah, it has to be believable. I deserve to be happy. I'm doing my best. There's something that you need to, an affirmation, but it can't just be pie in the sky fluff mm-hmm.

That you don't actually believe because it won't land for you. Mm-hmm. You won't make the connection wired in your brain mm-hmm. If you don't actually believe it. So there has to be a seed of something that you can hold onto, like Yeah. That, ring true. Mm-hmm. I can believe that as much or more that as I am not worthy.

Yeah. Or I am not enough. Yeah. So I don't have to earn love. I am worthy of love. Whatever. The one you just said was a really good one. I already forgot it. Yeah. Anyway, hopefully you caught it.

If you need help, get help. Yeah. Your self worth, your relationship with yourself is the foundational relationship in your life. Every other relationship is built on the relationship with yourself. Yeah. If you don't believe you're worthy of love, if you don't believe you're good enough as you are, you're gonna sabotage your relationships or you're gonna settle for less than you deserve.

And so that working on that fundamental belief of being enough and being worthy of love is critical. And if you need help with that, get help with that. A hundred percent. It's silly. Important.

Shameless plug for the Mastermind. We have a mastermind where we deal with this exact stuff. Mm-hmm. So if you feel compelled that, you know, you want some love and some support, we'd love to, to talk to you and see if we can help you.

Again, if it's not us again, , that's totally, totally fine. Just find the people that you connect with that can help you Yeah. , that resonate for you, that land for you. The important thing is, that you get the help wherever you see.

Because like when you can finally shed that, I'm not good enough.

Like shadow that's been following you around your whole life and feel like you're enough exactly as you are and that you are worthy of love. Mm-hmm. It's a, like a switch. Like it's like turning the light switch on and your confidence goes up and your relationships get better. Peace of

mind,

like peace of mind, life gets easier when you believe that

you're worthy of it and you just feel more.

Powered. Mm-hmm. Like you just walk a little taller, shoulders back a little bit more. I can't do it 'cause I'll pop off the camera here, but Yeah, you carry yourself differently. Mm-hmm. And people notice that

physically, mentally, emotionally, all the

things. It also really enhances your relationship.

You get more emotionally intimate. And we talked about emotional disconnection and all the things. We've talked at length about that. But you get emotionally more connected. You're more willing to lean in and connect because you believe that you are enough. You're not afraid of that rejection from somebody else.

You lean in closer. Mm-hmm. Emotional connection goes up, communication goes up. The respect and the support, the love, it all goes out. Mm-hmm. When you lean in and you get a little bit more vulnerable with your partner. .

So challenge, challenge to everybody this week. How does your level of self-worth show up in your life?

Most of us, our self-worth is too low. Most of us don't believe we're good enough. It's an epidemic in society. It's not just you. It's not just us. I can't think of a single person we've talked to that doesn't have some element of this. So how is this showing up in your life? Are you the dog who needs the pat in the head, or are you the cat who runs away and wants to do, their own thing,

avoid people at all costs?

They will reject you.

Which one are you? Reflect on how it's showing up in your life, and then start to identify why and make those changes. Find the affirmation. Do something, make the change. Take the action.

Reach out for help if you need it, again, reach out for help. There are people out there that want to help you.

It exists. You do not have to do this alone. So get that help

and share this episode with a friend, with your spouse, with your sister, with your mom, with your kids, with anybody who needs it. There'll you more.

Before we wrap up, we just want to remind you about something really special we've created. The Infinite Relationship Mastermind. It's like a VIP backstage pass for anyone looking to level up any and all of their relationships in their life. And we're not just talking about the relationship with your spouse.

Though it does include that one. We're also talking about the relationships with yourself, your friends, your business partners, your family, all the important people in your life. This mastermind is for anyone ready to take all of their relationships to a whole new level. Whether you're thriving and you want to thrive even more, or you're feeling a little stuck and need some extra love and support.

We host exclusive live courses. We create a safe, no judgment space where members can just open up and honestly just have a ton of fun connecting with other amazing people who are, building stronger, relationships. And to be honest, the transformations we've seen are incredible and it's exactly why we do what we do.

It fills our heart like nothing else. Now, we are super protective of this community because it is all about trust, love and support. So it's not for everybody, but if this does sound like it might tickle your fancy, then check out the link in the show notes and reach out to us if you have any questions, we'd love to chat and see if it's a fit for you.

And as always, thank you so much for being a part of our journey on The Road of life. And remember, you've got this, and we're here to help you every step of the way. So we'll see you next week. Bye for now.