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welcome back to another episode of the Road Life Podcast with Meredith and Craig, and this week we've got a really cool episode. We're talking about

emotional detachment, feels like kind of a big concept. Really what we're talking about is what can sometimes happen in relationships when we're not.

Really tuned in. Sometimes we end up feeling like shifts passing in the night. We end up feeling like we live in the same house, but we almost are living lives like parallel, separate lives.

And it's something that just happens over time, slowly. Mm-hmm. Like the lack of emotional intimacy, we just disconnect.

We just start to pull away. Yeah, and the feelings just start to dwindle.

We almost like live on the surface of our lives and we talk about bills and logistics, but we don't ever dig deeper. It's what often ends up feeling like roommates. Like when married couples end up feeling like roommates. This is what we're talking about.

Yeah. And to be very clear, it's not when you're an independent person that goes and does your own hobbies, but you come back with to each other, like it's really about losing the emotional connection with the other person. Mm-hmm. So not to be confused with. You know, you've got two fairly independent people who are sharing their lives together.

Mm-hmm. But still have that, bond. That's not what we're talking about. I think actually a good example of that is Layla Zi. Yeah. Layla and

Alex Hermo. Yeah. Like they're super independent people who like have their own thing, like , they are very independent within their relationship, have their own goals and they're doing their own things, , I don't live in their relationship, but from the outside looking in, they have a very strong relationship with shared goals and they're supporting each other, but they are very independent too. They, they

still share emotionally with each other. Yeah. And still let each other in with the problems that they're having and the things they're going through.

Whereas what we're talking about is the removal of that. Yeah. , You're going through life, just passing ships in the night. Mm-hmm. Not actually sharing what's going on with you. And

Yeah.

Getting into that level of emotional,

it's almost like, to help people get there. Like if you've ever, you know, sat on the couch next to your spouse, TV's on, you're both on your phones kind of scrolling, you haven't even really talked to each other at all, all day, all day.

You're sitting here in the same room, but still not talking to each other and. Sometimes you have that sense of like. How did I get here?

Yeah. And it's a regular occurrence. It's not just a like having an off day once in the blue moon. Yeah. Having an off day. It's a every night, this is our experience. We have dinner quietly, don't talk, go to into the next room, turn on the TV and sit down on opposite ends of the couch and scroll our phones.

Mm-hmm. Until bedtime where we go into bed, lay down and have back to back, go to sleep and say nothing to each other. That is what we're talking about.

Yeah. That is emotional detachment. And that happens when one or both partners. Pulls away from the, relationship emotionally.

Mm-hmm. So I think we, we just walked through some key signs.

It's a lack of emotional intimacy. It's, you know, again, feeling like roommates. Mm-hmm. It's not having really meaningful conversations. If the most meaningful conversation you have in the day is like, who's picking up the kids tomorrow? What's for supper? Or what, what's for dinner? Or did you pay that phone bill?

Mm-hmm. Mm. Then we're looking at some mm-hmm. Emotional detachment. Mm-hmm. .

If vulnerability is missing from those conversations. Yeah. That's what we're talking about.

I think another really big hint mm-hmm.

That we're going down this road is we're more interested in spending all our time on our hobbies, like. If I spend all my time in the garage tinkering on, mm-hmm. On a project versus having a conversation with you. Mm-hmm. Or if I'm going out and golfing, or playing basketball or doing absolutely anything.

Work, hobbies, work, anything to distract me from having a conversation or, getting emotional. Connection with you.

Mm-hmm.

Then that's what we're talking about.

Yeah. And like you said, it's a gradual process. You don't go to bed one day feeling very connected and wake up the next day with a brick wall between you.

Yeah. That's just not what happens. Yeah. It just goes slowly

Brick by brick. It's brick

by brick. Yeah. And so it's a lot easier to kick that wall down when there's only a couple bricks in it, and when it gets built really high, it gets a little harder. So it's helpful to recognize. It early. Yeah. So you could kick that wall down early.

So what

are the different bricks? Like how do we get here? Mm-hmm. Like how do we build that wall? What are the bricks that go into that wall?

Big one.

Mm.

Unresolved conflict. Conflict, we've talked about it before, is an important part of any relationship. No two people are gonna agree on every single thing in their life, and if that's what's happening, there's something else wrong.

Trust us. It's just, , it's impossible. Yeah. You cannot agree on everything in life, and so you have to be able to resolve conflicts.

It's interesting actually, because we have an ongoing disagreement and it's not a big disagreement, but a different, it's gonna be

good. I don't know where you're going with this.

We have a

difference of opinion right now on something. I don't wanna go too much detail because of. Some of the sensitivities around it, but there's two plans of action that we're considering. Mm-hmm. Have a higher risk tolerance Yes. Than you. I have a higher risk tolerance Yes. For whatever, like it's just my risk dial is turned up a notch or two more than yours.

Correct. And so we're currently going through a situation that we can't really discuss in public right now. Mm-hmm. But there's something that we're going through and your risk dial is turned lower. Yes. So , we've identified a couple plans of action. Mm-hmm. And one of them. Is a little bit less risky.

And that's the one you are in favor of? Correct. And there's one that I am maybe leaning a little bit more towards, towards more open to for sure. More open to. Mm-hmm. At least. But it's higher risk for sure. It could burn us. Mm-hmm. But on the other side, it could be much better for us too. , But we have not had a disagreement about it.

We have not had like high emotional mm-hmm. Feelings about it. And at the end of the day. There's a 99% chance we're just gonna go with the one that you are comfortable with because we can't go through. Execute on a plan that, that we're both not comfortable with. Right. If I can get you to a place of comfortability on the other one, totally.

Maybe we get there, but I don't think that's gonna be the case probably, if I'm being honest,

probably not. So time's running out. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And so I

think we're probably gonna end up doing the other one, right. Which I have to be okay with. At the end of the day, ,

It's really about making sure that we resolve this.

. And we're gonna talk it through and we're gonna land the plane on one of the options. Mm-hmm. But it's not something that. We're going to either leave unresolved mm-hmm. Or , I'm just gonna bully you into a decision that you're gonna resent. If, if it really goes badly mm-hmm.

On the other end, then there's gonna be a resentment there that we just cannot have. Yeah. It's something that I, just found it's just came coming in just now that

Yeah. And I think it's a good example because if we were to either leave this conflict unresolved, like not bring this to resolution.

Which in this particular instance, it has to get resolved. We've got a ticking clock on it, so it has to get resolved one way or another. It may not like it, to your point, you could try and bully me into a solution, and then there's gonna be resentment. So that's what happens for a lot of people, or the, conflict goes completely unresolved.

And you're constantly churning on a conflict that's simmering beneath the surface either way.

And if it doesn't get resolved, the next time something like this comes up, hopefully it will not ever, ever come up, especially in this case that we're talking about. But if it ever does, and then you go back because it's unresolved, you're gonna go back to this conflict and say, yeah, but remember the last time when the mm-hmm.

And the hurt feelings come back. That's right.

And when the resentment builds, when the situation's not resolved. When things don't get repaired after an argument. When you feel like you've been dismissed in, validated, that's a brick. Mm-hmm. Every time a disagreement, doesn't get resolved, it doesn't get repaired.

It's another brick in the wall. Every time you don't feel heard. Anytime you don't feel seen, every time you don't feel appreciated. This is a big

one.

Another brick we hear in the

wall, we hear it all the time, where one spouse is like, I do everything around this house. I do all these things. Mm-hmm. I get the kids that do, I do all the thing.

And it's invisible. It's never acknowledged. Mm-hmm. Never seen. Mm-hmm. I just feel

unappreciated,

invisible, totally unseen.

Yeah. That's it. It's actually the biggest, probably the biggest 'cause it's the most insidious, , it's the least obvious, like the conflicts, the arguments and stuff.

Those are obvious things. We don't always know, have the skills to resolve them as, what needs to, change in that. But the, feeling unappreciated, unseen, unheard, undervalued. That is sneaky common under the surface. Mm-hmm. And that builds a lot of bricks in the wall between you.

Yeah. Another one is just kind of like what we're going through now is life happens. Mm-hmm. There's external pressures. Yeah. There's external stuff going on in your life mm-hmm. That you just. Allow to take over mm-hmm. And take all your emotional bandwidth so you have nothing left for the other person.

Mm-hmm. So you have to be really intentional about making sure that you're dealing with the stuff mm-hmm. The stressful stuff that life throws at you. But do so in a, way that you're still connected and you're going through it as a team. Yeah. And getting each other's opinions, thoughts, concerns, fears.

Yeah. All the things. Considered

a big one for this particular, like external pressure and stress of life is work. Whether you own your own business, whether you're in the corporate world, whatever your deal is like, that's a big external pressure. Mm-hmm. That can create ripples in your relationship and , if you're always prioritizing that external pressure, you're always leaning into that external pressure and leaning away from the relationship that's putting bricks in the wall.

'cause it kind of feeds the unseen, unappreciated, unheard,

and we've said it. A hundred times, if we've said it once, we've said it a hundred times, is that vulnerability is the superpower to any relationship. Mm-hmm. And so emotional disconnection, another brick goes in the wall when you aren't vulnerable.

Yeah. When you don't share what is going on with you, what you're afraid of, what you're going through, you're anxious about mm-hmm. Your, all the things mm-hmm. That are going on internal to you,, every time you're like, yeah, I should share that, and you don't. , That's adding another brick to the wall.

Yeah. It's avoiding intimacy. Every time you avoid that difficult conversation, that uncomfortable conversation, you're putting a brick in the wall. Yeah, and I love it. , I feel like we've said it a bunch of times. I said it on a call earlier today that Layla Hormoz says, if you think having that difficult, that uncomfortable conversation is hard.

Wait until you see the result of not having that uncomfortable conversation.

This is what we're talking about.

That's exactly what we're talking about.

The wall builds. Yeah. And you get emotionally disconnected and it's really subtle. Mm-hmm. Like we've talked about, , it's not having the difficult conversation.

Mm-hmm. It's the. Bullying someone into, or, not resolving a conflict. Mm-hmm. It's not showing up. Mm-hmm. And appreciating someone for the things they've done. It's the little things mm-hmm. That piled up over time. Build this wall. So it's very subtle. It doesn't come in with a. There's no mean on sign

on the wall.

Like, Hey, this is a problem. You gotta deal

with this right now. Deal with this wall right here. Doesn't,

it's over time, you just notice that you're sitting further on the couch. Mm-hmm. You're spending more time in scroll land. You're touching each other less, less time in. Mm-hmm.

, Let's dig into that.

What does it feel like when that start, when that wall is being built? What does it feel like

early on? It's just feeling. Off. Mm-hmm. And not really knowing why, like mm-hmm. There's something, it's like if you were to describe, it's like our energy's off , we're misaligned. There's something going on and I'm not really sure why or how or what to do about it.

Just

don't feel like yourself., There's something going on. The relationship is off

and I think that's early on. Mm-hmm.

I think there also like a sense of going through the motions, , and it's probably a little bit along the same line, something is off, but you're.

You still love the person.

Yeah, I love them, but something's off and we're just kind of going through the motions and I'm just going through

emotions like . We're not going deeper into it.

Yeah. But I think the more time that goes by in that state, without having

that uncomfortable conversation, but what's going on without

dealing with it mm-hmm.

It becomes more isolating. Mm-hmm. You're just more on your own. Mm-hmm. You just feel like. You're dealing with your stuff and you can't talk to the other person, so you just withdraw even more and it just piles on top of each other and it's like you're lonely. You're in a relationship with someone, but you've never feel felt lonelier in your life.

Like you just feel like you're on an island by yourself and you don't know what to do about it. And that's the loneliest feeling. It's one thing to be lonely and you're not in a relationship when, but when you're in the relationship and you feel lonely, there's not a more lonely feeling. Feeling, yeah.

Than

that. I think it also shows up as like less interest in what's going on with the other person. Like , you're less interested in what's going on with them. You're more caught up in your own stuff. Mm-hmm. There's less of a feeling of the other person being interested in your life and what's going on with you.

Yeah. It's, withdrawing. , We talked about it, it's like spending more time in the garage, tinkering on the project than spending time in the house with your spouse. Yeah. More time at work, work, hobbies, whatever it ends up being, and it's just no more touching, no more. Mm-hmm. No more physical intimacy.

It's really. Basically all intimacy is gone. Mm-hmm. Physical emotional, all of it. Yeah. It basically just starts to dry up.

Yeah.

Okay. , So anyone's feeling like, Ooh, that hits close to home. Yeah. I think I'm feeling a brick wall. I'm feeling off, I'm feeling like we're just mm-hmm. Going through the motions. We certainly haven't been physically intimate in a long time. This is me. What do I do?

Yeah. We just need to start acknowledging it, like, let's just attack it.

Mm-hmm. Like, call out the elephant in the room. Yeah. So if you're seeing it now, like , it's not too late. Mm-hmm. Let's deal with it now. Mm-hmm. And, no shame, , no guilt. Let's not live in that. Mm-hmm. Let's just understand that that's where we are.

And it happens like it can happen to anyone easily when you're not super tuned into it.

Totally.

So

no judgment, no shame,

but you just can't do anything until you know about it. Yeah. So now that you know about it

mm-hmm.

It's time to start, taking action on it. So we need to reengage. Mm-hmm. We need to bring the person, we need to start really taking down that wall. Mm-hmm. Brick by brick.

Mm-hmm. Do the work. Do the work. So just you have to make a commitment that you're going to rebuild that connection. Mm-hmm. Like it starts now. Awareness, commitment, and then just start with, we just did an episode on bids for connection. That's slowly but surely. Mm-hmm.

Those little bids for connection and leaning towards is how you're gonna start to take down that wall. Mm-hmm.

And I think part of the awareness that we need to just be super clear on is calling awareness to it for both of you and having that uncomfortable conversation and both of you committing to do the work.

A hundred percent. Yeah. You're gonna get a lot further faster when both people are rowing in the same direction. Yeah.

One of you can start. But it is so much easier when you can have that uncomfortable conversation to acknowledge the distance and acknowledge the wall, and both of you commit to taking it down and starting with the small things.

Yeah, it's, it's not easy. It's hard to have that, especially if you've been emotionally disconnected for a while, to then go from that to, hey.

BLTs have a really uncomfortable conversation. We're struggling here. Like this

hasn't gone well. Like we're further and further apart on the couch. We haven't talked in about anything real.

Mm-hmm. In weeks, months, whatever it's been. Mm-hmm. To have that conversation to start it. It's tough.

It's tough. Takes some courage, vulnerability. But we

did an episode on having a difficult conversation mm-hmm. On how to have a difficult conversation. So we can maybe link that in the show notes to give people some tactics on how to reengage to start the process.

But it's really important to start that process now, now that you've made, been made aware of it. If you don't want it to get worse, the wall will get bigger and get to a point of no return. You have to deal with it now. Yep.

I think another piece of it is yes, the bids for connection. Yes. Start with the small things, the appreciation and the gratitude.

Also resolve the unresolved conflicts. Yeah.

What are the things that are hanging out there? The last fight you had that maybe that's mm-hmm. Where the bricks started to build from and you just haven't gotten back to each other. Yeah. You gotta resolve

that conflict. You gotta resolve it. Like, and it's not easy.

It's tough. We've done an episode on that too, so we'll link to that in the show notes, but it's in. Important to resolve the conflict. And the key to resolving the conflict is curiosity, not blame, not judgment, not shame, compassionate curiosity. It's

one of my favorite quotes from Ted Lasso. Be curious, not judgemental.

Mm-hmm.

So simple.

Yep. In any conflict. Just be curious. Just understand where the other person's coming from. Don't judge it. Don't judge yourself. Just be kind and curious.

You gotta lead with vulnerability. Mm-hmm. We gotta rebuild the connection. Being vulnerable is having that difficult conversation. Mm-hmm. But we gotta keep it going. Mm-hmm. Like once you've had that difficult conversation, you're gonna have more difficult conversations. Mm-hmm.

You're gonna get more vulnerable. You're gonna share the things that are that scary, the things that are going on in your brain that. Like I'm, worried about us, like we've been talking about kids and logistics and all the things, but we have not had a date night in three months. We have not done this.

,. We have not had sex in whatever it's been. Mm-hmm. It's really leading with vulnerability and. Reconnecting and sharing what's going on with you. Mm-hmm. And sharing your feelings, sharing the good too, sharing your dreams. Like maybe you haven't talked about your dreams together with like having a, sit down with your partner and, exploring what your combined dreams are.

Mm-hmm. Is a huge way to reconnect.

Yeah. , And it set such positive feelings for sure. We talk about like having a weekly connection conversation where you do. Get vulnerable and share what's really going on with you. The good, the bad, the ugly, all the things. So maybe we'll also include that guide in the show notes, so for people to, reference.

And another one is that it's hard to do this alone sometimes, right? Like when we get the wall to a place where it's like, oh man, this is a huge wall. It's a big wall. How am I gonna take these breaks down? Mm-hmm. You don't have to do it alone, like, you know, there's. Podcast. There's books there, but there's also hands-on help.

Mm-hmm. Like you can get coaching, we've got a mastermind that deals exactly with this. Mm-hmm. And we'd love to talk with you if, you feel compelled to, share with us what you're going through. We can see if there's something we can do to help you, but. There is, whether it's us or somebody else, it doesn't matter to us.

At the end of the day, we'll be fine. It's just you need to get the help. If you don't know how to bring down that wall or you're struggling to do so, just go out and get the help wherever you feel compelled to get it. But there's people out there that can help you bring that wall down, and so I would really urge you to get that help, get that expertise, and don't do it alone because there's more strength.

There's strength in numbers. Yeah, for sure.

Once you do that, once you bring the wall down, like get the help, bring down the wall, your relationship can feel completely different

night and day,

like literally the difference between night and day. You can rebuild that connection and stronger than ever , the more difficult conversations you have, the stronger your relationship's gonna be.

The more shit you go through together, the stronger your relationship's gonna be. So you've got a wall between you and then you do what you need to do to knock that wall down. Your relationship will be stronger for it. So. Do the work, get the help, take it down.

And that's a really important point because I think a lot of people are like, at a point where it's like, oh my God, the wall's so big.

We can never come back from this. Mm-hmm. But the opposite is true because when you both get together and you take down that wall together mm-hmm. It strengthens your bond.

Yeah.

You're gonna be stronger than and better

place. You're

gonna be stronger than you ever thought possible.

Yeah. Because you as a team. Did that thing. Yeah. And it makes your story that much better for sure., When you have a comeback story. Yeah. When you have like a, we came from the bottom now or here, story that strengthens your bond.

Yeah. Stronger bond, stronger communication.

More trust, more connection, more intimacy. All the things. Yeah. What were you gonna say? I was gonna shut out. Drake, Canadian. Started from the bottom. Now we're here. Okay, so this week challenge. Take one small step towards reconnecting with your partner. Something small. It could be a bid for connection, it could be having a difficult conversation.

It could be putting your phone down when you watch tv.

Yeah. I think it really depends on where you are on the emotional disconnection spectrum. If it's, you know, we're at a place where it's like, whew, we're in trouble. Mm-hmm. Like, if that's the thought that's going through your head right now, then go, don't just.

Dip your toe in the water. This is important. Dive in and, have the difficult conversation. If you're, you know, just feeling like you're just starting to put the first brick in, then put your phone down and, lean into your partner on the couch mm-hmm. And rub each other's backs or something while you're watching your episode.

Mm-hmm. Do what's going to make a difference for you. If you've got a big wall, let's start to take that thing down.

So such's a challenge for this week. And share this episode. Share it with your spouse. 'cause then you can look good on the same page for how you're gonna rebuild or bring the wall down.

And if you need some help, we're always here for you.

If you want to just reach out, talk us through what you're going through. We can see if you're a fit for the Mastermind or for, the coaching or whatever it is. But again, there's help out there, whether it's with us or with somebody. Just know that there are people out there who love. And want to do big things in this world and wanna help you.

So just lean into that community's everything, so love you. Bye.

Before we wrap up, we just want to remind you about something really special we've created. The Infinite Relationship Mastermind. It's like a VIP backstage pass for anyone looking to level up any and all of their relationships in their life. And we're not just talking about the relationship with your spouse.

Though it does include that one. We're also talking about the relationships with yourself, your friends, your business partners, your family, all the important people in your life. This mastermind is for anyone ready to take all of their relationships to a whole new level. Whether you're thriving and you want to thrive even more, or you're feeling a little stuck and need some extra love and support.

We host exclusive live courses. We create a safe, no judgment space where members can just open up and honestly just have a ton of fun connecting with other amazing people who are, building stronger, relationships. And to be honest, the transformations we've seen are incredible and it's exactly why we do what we do.

It fills our heart like nothing else. Now, we are super protective of this community because it is all about trust, love and support. So it's not for everybody, but if this does sound like it might tickle your fancy, then check out the link in the show notes and reach out to us if you have any questions, we'd love to chat and see if it's a fit for you.

And as always, thank you so much for being a part of our journey on The Road of life. And remember, you've got this, and we're here to help you every step of the way. So we'll see you next week. Bye for now.