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 Welcome back to The Road of Life podcast with Meredith and Craig, what we've got today. Okay.

Oh, we've got a big episode this week. I actually think this episode's gonna be a bit of a triggering episode for people.

Yeah. Why is that?

A lot of us struggle to apologize. Apologizing is something that's really hard for a lot of people.

For a lot of reasons, but I think it's something that a lot of us struggle with. And so let's unpack in this episode why we struggle, how not to struggle, and why it's so important in your relationship.

So for this episode, if you're someone who struggles to apologize like me. Or someone who's married to someone who struggles to apologize. Like Craig, this might be a good episode for you.

Yeah. So if you've ever had an argument with someone and you just want them to say, I'm sorry, but. They double down. Basically. They double down and they're like dug in and they get defensive and are just

changing the subject of you. Unwilling to go there.

Unwilling to go there? Yeah.

I have actually,

I know you have, and you know, one, it's funny because I notice it, it happens so early in life too.

Mm-hmm. Because, and I didn't realize this until more recently, hanging out with our nieces and nephews, I see it in them already. Mm-hmm. Kids who, you know, they'll do something to their brother. And it's mean. Mm-hmm. , it's not nice and you call it out and you have them apologize and they just cannot do it.

Oh, will not do it.

For sure. I have the best example of this actually is years ago now, I was babysitting my cousin, I won't name her, I'm sure she's not listening, but just in case she was like eight, nine, and she was really mad at her dad, and she was throwing a complete freaking tantrum on the floor.

Like, I mean like arms and legs, like just flailing. And eventually I'm like, listen, kid, like. You're being really mean to me. What you're doing is not very nice. You've got no problem with me, but you're yelling and screaming and crying and whatever. You owe me an apology. And she wouldn't do it.

And then she left the room and she came back with a post-it note on her lips that said, I am sorry. Mm-hmm.

Like couldn't bring herself to say the worst. Couldn't.

She's like, not even 10, couldn't bring herself to say the words, I'm sorry, but knew she needed to apologize and so did what she could. I will tell that story at her wedding yet.

But you're right, it starts early,

real early.

It's a skill that either gets taught early or doesn't, and the longer it takes to learn it, the harder it becomes.

Yeah. And it's just such a critical skill in relationships, especially a marriage, but in all your relationships. Yeah. Really. It's something that it's not just the act of, I'm sorry and contrition.

It's taking ownership and accountability for your actions. And really it's about. Building trust. If you make a mistake, that's one thing. If you double down on it mm-hmm. You completely lose trust. Mm-hmm. But if you say, okay, I'm sorry, , I see it differently now. Mm-hmm. And I apologize for how I, came across mm-hmm.

Or how I hurt you, or whatever it is, then that builds trust with the other person. If they're like, okay, that wasn't intentional. They didn't come from a place of trying to hurt me. Malice. Yeah. They're trying to, do right by it, so, okay, let's move on from this.

And they're owning it. Yeah. So you can trust them in the future.

Because it's not a matter of if you will mess up in a relationship, marriage or otherwise. Yeah. Business, partnership, friendship, parents, like, it doesn't matter. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. Yeah. And so apologizing when you inevitably step in it or do something like we all do it. It's amazing how a lot of us have been raised or conditioned or socialized to view apologizing as a weakness. Yeah. And therefore we don't wanna do it.

Well, it stems from not wanting to admit that you're wrong, right? Mm-hmm. for me. , I grew up with this form of perfectionism. . I know you led the episodes owning your mm-hmm. not being able to apologize easily. I also have that same trait. It's inherent in, me from it childhood, not wanting to be wrong , it's that perfectionism. Yeah. .

Your inherent value, your belief in your value comes from being flawless from not making mistakes.

So admitting to a mistake as a perfectionist is virtually impossible because your self worth is tied to, for me, so tied to not making mistakes and being perfect. So if I have to admit I've made a mistake, , then I'm not perfect, therefore my self worth doesn't exist. Yeah, and so that's a big one.

Another one is being afraid of being seen as weak or wrong, like. If you've made a mistake, then it ties to perfectionism, but you have a deep seated fear of being seen as weak or being seen as wrong.

Yeah. , some people don't want to lose their power in a relationship and they feel as though if they apologize that they're now relinquishing some sort of power, which is not good.

No. Even just thinking about it from a power struggle, but

Yeah.

But some people, that's how they view relationships. Yeah. And they view it as they're losing power, and so they're not willing to, , go to a place where they're seen as quote unquote weaker.

Right. Or, mistakes are tied to shame. Yeah.

Like they're making a mistake brings shame when mistakes are inevitable. Like, , we will never not make mistakes. Mm-hmm. Tying mistakes to shame is setting yourself up for failure, because we all make mistakes like literally almost every single day.

Then there's the people who rather than apologize for a mistake , if it's called out, will get incredibly defensive.

And we know some people like this for sure will get incredibly defensive and they, I guess, just feel attacked. Yeah. , they take it as a personal attack on their. Value and that is deeper insecurities.

Yeah. That's masking some much deeper insecurities and it leads to score keeping.

' cause you don't wanna , be seen as losing the argument. You wanna dig your heels in and be right and win. And the question really comes back to be, do you want to win? Do you want to be? Right?

Do you wanna be happy or do you wanna be

happy? Yeah. , it really can be that simple.

Yeah. Too many people are looking to be Right.

Yeah.

And not enough to just let the ego go and just be happy. Yeah. I actually think you're really good at this. I think you underestimate your ability to do this. I see you do it a lot in relationships where you are able to rise above, be the bigger person, allow even though you wanna be, right. I do. You do.

I know you do, but I see it in even just in recent times. Mm-hmm. You've got this. Ability to, I'm just gonna let that go. , I'm gonna go high. Yeah. And I'm gonna be the bigger person here. I'm gonna let this little thing go because there's more important at stake here. Yeah.

Whether it's, a more important issue that you need to address or the relationship itself. Yeah. And just, , keeping the peace. It's not worth, this little thing is not worth going to that place. It's not a boundary for me that I'm willing to, Negotiate on or whatever. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

Another reason I think is it can be really hard for people to apologize is they didn't learn it. Like when you're not role models, behaviors growing up, it becomes really hard to learn them as adults. Mm-hmm. Like it's not your fault. It's not your fault that you're a perfectionist. It's not your fault that you've attached mistakes to shame.

Like none of that's your fault, but it's your responsibility now. So yes, I believe a lot of us conditioned, especially in schools and stuff, that like, mistakes are bad. So I don't wanna own my mistakes. I don't, I

can't have the red marking on my test totally. Like it comes from like,

we're all, like that was drilled into me growing up that like mistakes are bad.

So owning them became really hard for me. And then when you're not taught. Owning them looks like when you aren't role modeled apologies. Growing up it becomes a skill that you just didn't really learn and no one teaches it to you. Mm-hmm. So it's not your fault. You don't know how to apologize, but it becomes your responsibility to learn, it as you get older because it is a really critical skill in your relationship.

Yeah. And it's really underestimated that people think it's a weakness. Mm-hmm. Admitting wrong is a weakness when truly it's actually a strength. When you're able to, do this in your relationships, , one, it models courage. Mm-hmm. But two, , , we already talked about it, but it, just really builds that trust and it solidifies and deepens your bond with someone when you're able to admit mistakes and move forward from them.

Oh. If you can't do that, you can't connect. Yeah. Because I can't trust you. Yeah. If you never own a mistake, then I can't trust you. You don't create any emotional safety for me to do the same thing. I think another reason people struggle with apologizing is they confuse impact and intent. Like, I didn't mean to hurt you.

I didn't mean to hit you with my car.

Yeah,

.

I

did hurt you. Yeah. Like I didn't, intend to.

Yeah.

But apologies are not predicated on intent. Apologies are predicated on impact.

Yeah. What I said wasn't intended to hurt you. That's, cool. But the impact was that it did.

Right.

So you apologized for the impact that you had, right? Not for the intention that you had. And that can be confusing for people. I saw that at work a lot too. Like , oh, I didn't mean to hurt their feelings. I didn't mean to make them feel excluded. I didn't mean to not hire them for the job or whatever the case was.

Mm-hmm. But you did, you did overlook them. You did talk over them. You did interrupt them. You did all those things and that did hurt their feelings and that did impact them. So you apologize for the impact.

So what happens to a marriage when it goes without apology?

Oh, , well, first of all, conflicts don't get resolved or repaired. Most importantly, repaired, I think. They don't get resolved for sure. , you

start fighting over the same stuff over and over again. Over and over and it, gets brought up in every fight. Yeah. Or every disagreement or every argument because it's never been dealt with, never been addressed, never been resolved.

Correct. So that's still lingering out there. So it's gonna be used as ammunition in future.

Yeah. And it battles eventually that lack of repair and lack of resolving turns into resentment. That eventually breeds resentment. That's why we need to apologize and be able to put things to bed so we don't eventually resent each other for all those things that have built up over time.

And which also leads to an erosion of trust. Correct. And when you don't have trust and you can't trust your person in a relationship, you can't have a, solid relationship without trust. Correct. And so the lack of apologizing erodes trust, which. Just by, default. Mm-hmm. It is eroding your relationship.

It will not be able to survive.

It's

that critical. I don't think people understand how critical this is.

I agree. Another thing that contributes to that is not feeling like you, emotions have been validated. Not feeling like you've been heard , when you've been impacted by something. When I've been impacting something.

You did. You said something that hurt my feelings. If you don't apologize for that, you've invalidated the fact that my feelings were hurt. The fact that I've been hurt doesn't matter again 'cause you confuse intent and impact. Not you, but you. The royal you. When you confuse intent and impact and don't apologize for your impact, then I feel invalidated.

Like my feelings don't matter because you've not addressed the fact that you hurt my feelings because my feelings shouldn't have been hurt is what the message I get. Because you didn't mean to so, because you didn't mean to hurt my feelings. My feelings don't matter. Therefore, you're not apologizing for them.

So when you don't apologize, you invalidate the other person's feelings and that leaves them feeling unseen and unheard, unappreciated, resentment, not safe . You're losing your intimacy. Your connection's gonna just like poof, disappear. You're gonna be completely disconnected. Complete emotional disconnection is gonna be the end result of not being able to apologize in your relationship, which is pretty significant.

So how do we build the muscle? Because we have an episode where we go through what a really strong apology looks like, so I don't think we're going to, no. We can link, dive into that can link to that.

We'll do an abbreviated version here, but I think we can just link to that episode. I think , the first thing to do is reframe

if you feel like an apology is a show of weakness and shame and l losing and letting the other person win and all those things, then it needs to be reframed as. Strength apologizing makes you trustworthy. It makes you strong. It makes you courageous. It makes you a safe space for the other person that tidy to frame an apology.

You're not apologizing to admit defeat. You're apologizing to repair the relationship.

And I think it's really important to, start just, start and mean. It can be small, just practice doing it. Apologize for stepping on someone's foot. Apologize for the small things. Little things that have happened.

Oh, sorry, I bumped into you in the kitchen. Mm-hmm. Or just, just. I'm sorry I interrupted you in that conversation earlier. You know, I wasn't paying attention. I'm sorry, I wasn't, listening. I wasn't showing up as my best self, whatever it is. But just start small and acknowledge it and apologize and, commit to doing better.

Yeah. Well, and that's, the anatomy really, the very basic, we go through it in detail, a, framework in the other episode that we talked about, but really the very bare bones, basic anatomy of a sincere apology is acknowledge it. Acknowledge what you did like, own it. Take your accountability.

Two, be empathetic. I, I understand how that made you feel. I can see how you felt unappreciated in that moment. That wasn't my intent, and I'm sorry that's what happened. And then commit to do better. Like if, you cover those three bases, that's a, sincere apology. It deals

with the situation in the moment, but then there's this underlying.

Beliefs around why apologizing is so hard, and I think there's still some important work to do on that front. Mm-hmm. Now that the apology's been made going forward, how are we gonna grow and make it so that apologizing is our norm? It doesn't feel like it's this weird thing for us.

Mm-hmm. That we're able to now go into every relationship mm-hmm. And own our stuff and. Apologize for it. Like what is the shame or what are the deeper insecurities or things that are going on within us that have made it difficult for us to, you know, admit wrong?

Right. So for me, it's doing that deeper reflection, like digging in, asking yourself why multiple times in a row until you can figure out why apologizing is so hard.

And for me, the perfectionism, , as a recovering perfectionist, that my self worth is tied to not making mistakes and being perfect. So admitting a mistake. Was essentially for me the same as saying I'm worthless. So that was really hard. Two, I didn't have a lot of role models of it growing up. Like I'm sure my parents apologized to each other behind closed doors.

I just didn't see it. So I didn't learn that process. And I was conditioned, like I was a high achiever, I was a people pleasing perfectionist, high achiever in school, and learned really early on that mistakes are bad. Never make a mistake. Mm-hmm. Never own a mistake. Mistakes are bad. So I had some, really deep rooted insecurity and self-worth attached to apologizing.

And so digging into that for you, why for you does apologizing feel so difficult? Mm-hmm. And if you need a little help with that, shameless plug for the infinite relationship Mastermind. A

hundred percent.

Or

we've got, talk to us. . Yeah. And the really cool thing is that when you start doing this in your relationships, in your marriage,

your relationship transforms. Mm-hmm. Trust grows. You resolve conflicts faster. You deepen your emotional connection, like apologizing. Is that important that it, touches on all the important variables in your relationship?

Well, when, someone comes to us, when their relationship is struggling, it's one or more of.

Communication, trust and intimacy. Basically the connection between them. Yeah. Those are the three main factors that we hear from people.

And apologizing will improve. All three. All three.

So it's that important. It's a critical, critical skill. And I remember in our relationship one day it, blew my mind how .

Easily, you apologize 'cause it was such a struggle for me. But the day we went for the run, remember, and we got in a little tiff about where to park. Do you remember? No. Over here.

Yeah. Yeah.

Vaguely.

And we left and went for the run and we run at different paces, so we weren't running together.

But partway through the run, I got a, like my AirPods sent me a message that, , you sent me an apology, on, the run you texted me. An apology, like literally while you were running and I got it while I was running.

Mm-hmm.

And like that was new for me. That was, not something I'd ever experienced before.

Hmm. Yeah. And it's not easy. Like, I'm not saying that, it's like, it comes naturally and it's easy, but I find for me personally, when there's something that's out there in a relationship, it just sucks. It's just a weird feeling. Like I don't want that feeling. And so I know that I played a part in that and so I'm just gonna own it and just , apologize for my part and just.

Put that in the past. 'cause like I don't want the icky feelings mm-hmm. That come with it. I just want to get past it and move on. And like I know that I wasn't my best self, the other person wasn't their best self so let's just. Address it. Mm-hmm. And get, beyond it. And move forward. Okay.

Because life's too short to be dealing with stuff like that. Especially small things like that. Yeah. Like, it's like, we're gonna carry this argument over a parking spot or where to park or whatever. I don't even remember it now. Yeah. What specifically it was, but like what, we're gonna carry that forward.

No. Like, we've got way too many important things to focus on that's not one of them. Yeah.

So I think that illustrates two things. One. How quickly an apology can work. When you're just willing to own your shit and move on, it happens quickly. Like you can put that in the rear view virtually immediately.

Mm-hmm.

And the second thing I forgot, I can't remember.

It'll come to you, put it in the show notes.

Yeah, I guess I think there it's also about you apologize for your stuff. Like you say, , I had part of that, I owned it, I just moved on. , your partner may also owe you an apology, but that's irrelevant.

And it's, about the 200% mm-hmm. Marriage mindset, right? Like you are responsible for 100% of your marriage. Mm-hmm. So. If a situation has arisen and you are arguing about something or disconnected about something, you played a part in that, whatever it was.

So just own it and apologize for it, and when you do it makes it a lot easier for the other person to also own it and apologize. Yeah, maybe they're not as far along the apology. Whatever the

comfort scale. Yeah. The scale

is you. And so by you doing that, being, courageous and leading mm-hmm.

The other person comes along. Mm-hmm.

So like if we all stop avoiding the hard stuff, like apologizing isn't easy, but it's one of those uncomfortable things that everything you wants on the other side of that discomfort. So if you are willing to lean into that little bit of hardness and be a little bit courageous and be, a little bit brave and

take that uncomfortable step of apologizing, even if you feel like you're still loading apology. Just take the step and own your own stuff. Make that apology. Everything gets easier. So what are we gonna challenge them with this week? What's one thing you're gonna take from this episode? Are you going to apologize for that's been hanging out there?

Are you gonna do some reflection on why apologizing is hard for you? What's the one thing you're gonna take from this episode and actually implement this week? Because we love a nice chitchat, but we gotta take some action from it. So think about it and commit to one thing that you're gonna do and then share this episode with your friend, with your mom, with your spouse, with your kid, with your business partner, with who, whoever it is.

'cause we all need to be better at apologizing. It's a skill we all need.

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And as always, thank you so much for being a part of our journey on The Road of life. And remember, you've got this, and we're here to help you every step of the way. So we'll see you next week. Bye for now.