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Episode Transcription

 Welcome back to The Road of Life podcast with Meredith and Craig. We got another cool episode for you this week.

I love this topic. This is a great episode.

I think what we're gonna talk about today is the most underrated relationship skill there is. Like last week we talked about apologizing is obviously an important one. Mm-hmm. This one I think is super duper underrated

and we talk about vulnerability all the time, which is a super, for sure. Important one.

Not as underrated though. I think you're right. This is an underrated skill. We've got some funny stories about this one. I don't know if we've told them on the podcast. Maybe we have in different contexts, but I think we'll, definitely dive into a couple of those and let's stop teasing it. McKay, like, what are we like? I'm, I'm genuinely curious, what are we talking about today?

Ooh, nice segue. We are talking curiosity this week.

Interesting. Mm-hmm. Simple and effective, but not overly used.

Yeah. And why is it so important? Because it actually is the. Antidote.

Nice work. Nice work. I don't know if anyone was around a few months ago when he discovered the difference between antidote and anecdote.

No. Quick side note on antidote versus anecdote.

Our first episode of this very podcast was The antidote to Fear, correct. Episode one, , we talked about the antidote to fear, and I use antidote and anecdote interchangeably. go back and listen. Episode one, I used it interchangeably. I had no idea those were two different words. Somebody did though can confirm.

Somebody did know that there was a difference, but decided not to tell me and decided to let me carry on understanding that antidotes, antigo. Literally the same word. Carry on. You can continue to believe that for the next two years. She didn't let me in on that joke and then finally was like, okay dude, I've been tired of waiting for you to figure this out.

Antidote and anecdote, two words, bro. Learn 'em 'cause I'm sick and tired of hearing you use them interchangeably. Do remember they're two

different words. Do you remember which episode that was? Episode one? No, no. The one where you actually, where I pointed it out to you on the episode.

Yeah, and then, didn't pull me aside and casually be like, Hey, bro.

Anecdote, anecdote. Two different words. I need you to kind of like, just switch it up. Calls me out in front of the 12 people that listen,

can confirm what,

what? I don't, I don't remember what episode. . I don't know the episode. Go back and listen to the last 20. Go listen to the wall and you'll find it.

All that

to say that was a side quest. Now, back to the main event. Curiosity. Curiosity.

It is the antidote.

Antidote to judgment

and assumptions and

assumptions, which are less than ideal for a relationship.

They're like kryptonite for your relationship. They're not great. When you start making assumptions and judgements.

That's when. Disconnection starts to breed, a little resentment starts to breed. 'cause I'm making an assumption that like, you did that on purpose.

Yeah. , or like your, spouse comes home after a really tough day at work. Maybe their boss was tough to deal with that day and they're just not in a mood, they're in a bad mood and you, theyre sippy

with you.

Yeah. And then you just kind of assume that they're mad at you for something that you did. Mm-hmm. And then so then you escalate and yeah, you're trying to out emotion each other and then you're in a full blown, you know, fight that you. Just didn't play it for, and instead you could just say, Hey, I noticed that you seem to be a little off.

Is everything okay? Mm-hmm. Is there anything I can help you with? Curiosity. Leave with curiosity. Mm-hmm. And then, you know, it just deescalates. Yeah. Not deescalates, but like, lowers the volume. Yeah. Lowers the volume's. Great. Turns it down. Deescalates it. If you, had a unplug, if you had a bomb and you what

Detonate.

The opposite of Dead and Nate. Yes. I don't know. You know what I mean right though?

Yeah. Yeah. They got it. Yeah. You got it. Yeah. Deescalates. Maybe just let's go with Deescalates. Okay. That'll work.

You know what the bomb squad does to bombs? Yeah. Deescalates them.

Deescalates the ball.

I know we've shared this story on a podcast episode before, but it, beautifully illustrated.

When we went for the walk in the park and you asked me how my girls' night went,

it was anything but a walk in the park that day, that conversation.

And you said, how was your girls' night? What'd you do? Just chitchat. I assumed,

man. Oh man. The energy with you changed in an instant. I remember it. We were walking, it was like, whoa.

Okay, cool. So what's with the two girl?

I made the assumption that you were being dismissive of whatever I do with the girls when we hang out.

Yeah. Well, I, I didn't know in the moment that's what it was, but it was very clear that you did not appreciate something about it.

And so I did not lead with curiosity and say.

What do you mean by that? Help me understand that. I just instantly like annoyed back immediately up, made an assumption, you're being a dick and I'm annoyed at you.

Yeah.

And then you felt the energy shift. Yeah. And you did lead with curiosity.

Yeah. So obviously the energy has shifted here. What's your deal?

What is happening right now? And then you just let me know, explained it. Yeah. And I was like, cool. I get it. I understand you think I'm belittling, but like when you come back from every girl's trip and I ask you what you get up to, what literally do you say that comes outta your lips? We

just chitchatted literally the exact same words I use, but I hear them differently.

When you use them. When I use

them, yeah.

So that could have. Escalated if we both didn't lead with curiosity. Thankfully, one of us led with curiosity and deescalated that bomb.

Yeah, when you find a bomb, diffuse. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Diffuse teamwork. Got it. Diffused the bomb. Deescalated the bomb. Got it.

I fused the bomb. You got it.

All right, , so if curiosity is the antidote to judgment and fear, which I think we've just illustrated that beautifully, it diffuses the situation.

Yeah.

What else does it do? what's the positive impact of me leading with curiosity? Like we've diffused the negative.

What is leading with curiosity. It just

lets the other person know that you are a safe space, that you care about them. Mm-hmm. You're just looking to understand them and see them and hear them and value them and respect them. Like it's, you trying to understand and get into their world a little bit.

Mm-hmm. So it creates this like almost this sense of understanding and empathy

Yeah. If you will. And like. Because you are really good at asking questions, like leading with curiosity. Always, whenever we're doing something, whenever we've done something. What was your favorite part of that? , what part would you wanna do again, like the other like, well, I don't even know what day it was like three days ago.

Just a random, like Wednesday, you're like, what was your favorite part of the day today? I was like, oh, it was actually, we played soccer with the kids. But like you always ask it on vacation, but it wasn't like a special time. It was just a random day. You are like, what was your favorite part of the day today?

I think we had a busy day. There was a lot going on. We had a lot of family time. It was just a day where it felt like there was some cool stuff going on. And I was just curious what your favorite part of the day was, because there was lots of, things that you could have chosen. Mm-hmm. But it's always nice to know.

Of all the cool things, what was the coolest,

right? And when you ask me that question because it's more specific, it's not how was your day? 'cause how was your day? Gets you fine. Fine. Or like a giant four page book report on how the day was. Either way, not helpful. When you ask something like you do that's super specific, what was your favorite part of the day today?

Then I have to stop and think like what was my favorite part of the day today? And because I've had to stop and think. It makes me feel like you actually care about the answer when I'm just giving you a fine, like how was your day? It was fine. I think you're just asking out of. Habit or you're not asking does, you're genuinely curious.

You're asking just because,

especially if I ask you that question, how was your day? You answer fine. I'm like, cool, and I care about carry on with my day. Yeah, totally. It's like, okay. He doesn't actually care that that was, I made

the assumption you didn't care and you proved that, that maybe that was true.

Yeah. I satisfied you with fine. Okay. You didn't care.

Yeah. Whereas when you ask something specific. I don't believe you're gonna be satisfied with fine. I have to go a like, well, you can't answer with fine. Right? I have to go a layer deeper in my brain and come up with what was my favorite part. I have to think about it and because you've made me think about it, I think you actually care about the answer and you actually kinda wanna be a part of my day by, asking me what the best part of it was.

You want to be engaged in my day with me.

It also shows the other person. On another level that by asking a question like, what was the best part of your day? Now I know of all the cool things we did, these are the coolest, that these are the things that you really liked. Mm-hmm. And now I am armed with information that I can use to make your day.

Cool down the line, like we can, oh, remember that time when we did that thing that you really loved? Let's go do that again. Like the world's second largest rocking chair. Yeah. That's an awesome, thing. If you're in Missouri, you have to go check it out. It's worth the stop.

Better than the world's largest tr Trust us.

But I think it's cool. It's like what you're saying is actually that, like you ask a question because you want to learn more about me and one of the biggest. Things that I think that happens over time in a relationship is we assume we know everything about the person. Yeah. And we get super complacent and just make the assumption of everything, however they're gonna react and be in life.

Yeah. I still remember when , we've been coaching other couples in some that have been together a very long time. They'll say like, I already know everything about this person and, but then. They're in this place where they're super disconnected. Mm. And they don't know how to talk to each other anymore.

Mm-hmm. And it's like, but you, don't know absolutely everything and you're evolving every day. Mm-hmm. Like, , you're experiencing the world every day. So there's something new, literally every single day that you can ask about and learn about from this person. Like, sure, you've been together 30 years and you know, a lot.

But literally they had ant experience today and you don't know unless you ask how they experienced it.

Mm-hmm. What they took from it, what they learned from it, what they enjoyed about it, what they hated about it, what they're with. They're afraid of what they struggled with.

What their biggest fear was about it or, did it create a fear going forward?

Mm-hmm. Like maybe it was a rough day and there's something now that they're taking and , looking into the future that they're afraid of. Mm-hmm. Is there something there that you can now help them support them through? Yeah. And so. It, really important to understand that even though you've been with someone for 30, 40 years or whatever it's been, they are still experiencing life every single day.

And if you're not staying on top and a staying curious and asking questions, then you're, growing further apart. Mm-hmm.

Boom,

boom. What was the dynamite?

Right? So I, I think not only do you diffuse major bombs from going off in your relationship, but like. It builds such connection in your relationship, and that's the one thing we hear more than anything else, is we feel disconnected, and it's because they're not doing these little teeny tiny things, like asking questions that they're genuinely curious about.

Mm-hmm. And , the trick is asking a specific question. , that's the first half of the trick. The second half of the trick is listening to the answer. Acting like you actually care about what they say.

So yeah, you cannot just ask the question and then they go on and they answer it, and then you just coing your phone.

You completely tune it out. You invalidate everything. So yeah, you definitely have to follow up the first, part. Critical. Ask the question be curiously, curiosity, second part. Listen to the answer. Mm-hmm. And it's really helpful that when you do, and to show that you've been listening, you like use active listening, like, oh, that's cool.

Oh, what? And you listen to understand, not respond, and

then maybe ask a follow up

question. Yeah. Follow up

questions are awesome. Yeah.

Yeah. It shows that you're listening

And then, and when you do that, like when you ask me what was your favorite part of the day and I think about it and then I give you an answer and you listen and you're engaged with me, like looking at me like you actually care, then I feel heard.

I feel seen, I feel like I'm important to you in that moment, and that's all any of us ever want. Yeah. We all wanna feel important to someone. We all wanna feel seen and heard,

literally. If you want to change any relationship in your life, make the other person feel important, feel seen, feel heard.

Mm-hmm. Feel valued. And you do that by asking questions, being curious. And listening to the answer and asking follow up questions. Mm-hmm. It's literally that simple. Yeah. Like, we make relationships this big thing that's scary and they're so complicated and it's hard to, no.

Everyone wants to feel seen, heard, and understood. If you want a great relationship, make someone feel seen, heard, and understood. Mm-hmm. Ask them questions and follow up. It's, it's literally that simple.

And if, you do that proactively every day, it will trans 'cause you can only control one person relationship.

It can only control you. What you do and how you respond. But if you start doing that, everything will change. And , I think the most critical, it's important to do it all the time. Like I have a regular, like we like to do the daily check-in question in the evening as we're getting ready for bed and like, you know, the lights are off and you're kind of tired and it feels like it's safer to be vulnerable.

I don't know, there's something about the nighttime that just like makes it easier to open up. So having a daily, like regularly scheduled time to do that is super helpful to get all those beautiful benefits. But diffusing the bomb, especially, it's really helpful to do this when you're feeling like you're in a conflict, when you've got a difference of opinion on something.

Leading with curiosity then and asking questions, not assuming you know where they're coming from, not assuming you understand why they're coming from there, but actually asking questions in the conflict and then listening to understand, not respond. Mm-hmm. So you actually can understand where that person is coming from.

Will give you the seat of agreement you need to actually resolve a conflict. Hundred percent. So it's important all the time, but it's like. Uber duper important in Uber.

Duper

Uber du Uber. Duper important in a conflict when a conflict is bubbling. Yeah,

a hundred percent. Couldn't agree more. I think we've given them some great gold nuggets here to,

yeah.

Curiosity. The underrated superpower that you didn't know you had.

Yeah.

Practice it. You get better with practice.

And, , the other thing I'll say before we go is like, I think we've made a really strong case and it, is obviously curiosity is, a superpower in your relationship. I'm not gonna go into the science, but there is science behind this too.

Mm-hmm. And, you know, if you're into science, if you're, nerdy, like McKay or a little bit like me and you wanna know the science of it, just, Google it. But it, does send happy. Chemicals to your brain. Mm-hmm. When you feel seen, but also when you learn something new about your partner.

Yeah. Like dopamine lights up the dopamine in your brain. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. , and then the gottman's, they are always talking about you know, couples who lead with curiosity, who ask the questions, they report having the most satisfying relationship. Mm-hmm. So it is backed by research. I didn't wanna get into all the.

The nerdy stuff side of it. Mm-hmm. But it, is out there and just trust us that it's out there. Or just go look. If you're anything like our friend Dale, you'll go, fact check it and go check it out. But you know, there is science behind this as well. It's not just us, you know,

talking from personal experience.

Like an anecdote.

Like an anecdote. So make sure that you go and. Deactivate the bomb. Diffuse, no, the other word

deescalate.

Go ahead. Go deescalate your bombs. Go get curious. Love you more.

Share this episode with your spouse, with your friends, with your family, with anyone who needs a little bit of relationship help, which is literally all of us.

We're all in some relationship with ourselves, but with everybody else. So leading with curiosity is this underrated superpower. So share this episode. What is the one thing you're gonna take away from this episode? 'cause we had fun chit-chatting with you, but

chit-chatting.

Chit-chatting. We had fun chit-chatting with you, but it's only gonna work.

You're only gonna change things if you take action from it. So what is one thing you're gonna do coming outta this episode to practice curiosity in one of your relationships with that? Love you more. Bye. See you later.

  📍 📍 Before we wrap up, we just want to remind you about something really special we've created. The Infinite Relationship Mastermind. It's like a VIP backstage pass for anyone looking to level up any and all of their relationships in their life. And we're not just talking about the relationship with your spouse.

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