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 Welcome back to another episode of the Road of life podcast with Meredith and Craig. And this week we are talking about some magical marriage math. Mm-hmm. Now, normally

we discourage strongly keeping of any score Yeah. In your relationship.

Totally.

That's a general rule of thumb that we have never, ever, ever, ever keep score,

but we're gonna do it anyway today.

This is the exception. We're gonna do it anyway today. Difference. Big difference. The difference being we're not keeping score

against each other.

Against each other.

We're just keeping score of

total positive

versus negative you see, you need data. You need data in order to understand whether you are.

In a good place or not, or if you're advancing towards your goals like data, is it helpful to have? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, there's actually a, ratio that determines. Successful versus unsuccessful relationships. Mm-hmm. And that ratio is five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.

Correct. That's the magic ratio, and it comes from Gottman, , Gottman Research. They've been studying this for like literally decades and thousands and thousands and thousands of couples, and they've seen this over and over and over and over again. The golden ratio determines the strength, the health of a relationship.

When you're hitting the five to one ratio, your relationship is thriving.

It's essentially deposits versus withdrawals. Correct. Every negative interaction is a withdrawal. Mm-hmm. And every positive is a deposit into your love account, essentially. Totally. And you want to have five to one ratio.

Right. Because. The negative experiences carry more weight than the positive ones.

Unfortunately, that seems to be the case everywhere. It is in everything. Just think

about life like in the hospitality industry.

Yeah.

If you have a great experience somewhere, what are the odds that you leave in a review of that's positive?

Yeah.

You might, you might not. If you've got a really crappy experience, you're probably leaving a negative review.

And also they carry more weight on like for, every positive review view. And , if you had. Equal number of positive reviews and negative reviews mm-hmm. You'd have a two and a half star and people are not interested in your restaurant.

When I go, it's going to bankrupt.

When I go on Amazon and look at the reviews on things, I look at the 1, 2, 3 star reviews.

Yeah.

I might glance at a couple of five star reviews, but there's a ton of those. I wanna see you. What went wrong

and how often does it happen?

Correct. So everywhere in our world, negative interactions.

Carry more weight. And the same is true in your relationship. Negative interactions are gonna carry more weight. That's why you need more deposits than withdrawals in your relationship.

Think of your relationship as a fancy restaurant. You want positive reviews or negative reviews,

correct. And so what's a positive interaction?

A positive interaction is basically anything that makes your teammate feel appreciated, valued, seen, heard, loved, supported. It's. Giving them a compliment. It's showing them appreciation. It's filling their water bottle,

listening to what they say, asking specific questions, checking in on their day,

picking up their favorite snack at the grocery store, bringing them a cup of tea, fricking smiling at them, asking them what they're reading.

Like

we have a 33 day challenge that we've been running. Yeah. And basically it's designed to incorporate all these little connection points, these positive interactions for 33 days deposits. Yeah. That if you do the 33 day challenge, and if that's of interest to you, hit us up and we'll definitely get you.

We'll send it to you, we'll get you situated. But it's really essentially just doing those things every day. Yeah,

making deposits every single day because the negative interaction, negative stuff is inevitable. Like there's always gonna be moments of conflict, of criticism, of disconnection. Like the arguing, the ignoring, the dismissing, the snapping, like.

, it happens. Yeah. There's inevitably going to be negative interactions in your relationship and they carry more weight, so you wanna make sure you balance them. And

we can share, like, we, had a little moment the other day that between us, that was not ideal. It was a little bit snappy , but it lasted 30 seconds.

Yeah. it was actually when we were gonna record this podcast and we were in a bad energy, so we didn't record it till a few days later. Till today.

Yeah. And it, lasted for us 30 seconds. Mm-hmm. But that's because we have so many positive interactions. Mm-hmm. That, it was a blip.

Yeah. We dealt with it, moved on and it was fine. Yeah. But if you don't have those positive interactions. Then those little blips can turn into bigger things. Huge. And they can last longer than 30 seconds. They can last days, weeks, weeks in some cases. Mm-hmm. And then you've got more negatives than positives and your relationship's on a downward spiral.

Well,

your love account is in the red and it's never a good thing. Yeah. Neither of you are feeling loved when your account is in the red. Right. And so the importance of the golden ratio, the importance of keeping that love account full, is those positive interactions build emotional safety. When I'm feeling supported and loved, and seen and heard, it feels like a safe place for me.

I can show up as me and feel like I'm going to be loved and cared for and like safe in this relationship. If the relationship to account is in the red, or I'm always feeling on edge, criticized constantly in conflict, then I don't feel safe. I'm walking on eggshells. I'm trying to avoid the next blow up.

I am not feeling safe to just. Be myself here,

and when your relationship accounts are full, it's like you said, it's so much easier to give the other person the benefit of the doubt to take accountability and to stop freaking keeping score between the two of you. When your relationship account is full, then that stuff just becomes so much easier than when your account's in the red.

Yeah. And like we talked about, negative interactions that are inevitable, but they don't have to be fatal. Yeah. At the best of times. Two human beings can probably agree. What, 80% of the time. Yeah. At the very most. Yeah. Be in alignment 80% of the time, which means 20% of the time you are gonna be out of alignment.

Mm-hmm. There's gonna be disconnection or disagreement or , you know, some sort of friction.

Yeah.

And that's okay. You can grow through that if you handle it appropriately,

especially if outside of those times and the 80%, you're actively trying to fill each other's accounts. Exactly. So that when the inevitable conflict does arise,

You can get, through it, like you said, a lot faster, because when that ratio is off, when your account's in the red

resentment,

oh, resentment, disconnection, bitterness, tension. Like you're walking on eggshells, like it's not a fun place to be. It feels tense and awkward and uncomfortable and like no one wants to live like that.

, it's probably the situation you find yourself in when you're roommates and it's awkward and there's tension in the house. Mm-hmm. It's because you've got more negative interactions and positive interactions. Right. In those moments where it just feels like there's been days where you've not had a connection, you had an argument and you've gone days and it's been quiet and you kind of see each other and you pass the kitchen and you know, kind of maybe make a look at each other like.

Hey, but not much more than that. And you feel kind of like sometimes you avoid that altogether, maybe even not, you avoid eye contact altogether, but you feel like roommates essentially. And , , that's because the negative interactions are outweighing the positive. Right.

And when the positive outweighs, like I said, then it's safe.

You feel at peace. You feel connected. You feel in sync again. And

when those disconnection points happen, it's a lot easier to come back, get a hug. Yeah, have the hug. Mm-hmm. Reconnect, get back on the same page. It just becomes a lot easier to do that. Mm-hmm.

Okay. So I think we made the point that

I think, so

five to one is really critical for keeping your relationship bank account full instead of empty.

So.

how do we do it? How do, how do you do it? Yeah. , I think you just have to pay attention to the data. Are you having more positive or negative? Like that's, the start is like, where are we starting from? Are we in a place where we actually have way more positive? We're not quite at five to one.

Maybe we're two to one, three to one, whatever it is. Mm-hmm. But we have more positive than negative. Mm-hmm. Or are you in a place where you're snapping

at each other?

Yeah. You're negative outweigh the positive. In that case, we have to turn it around really quickly.

Yeah. In that case, we need to focus on being super intentional about building the opportunity for positive interactions.

Yep.

Simple everyday ways to add positivity to your relationship. Not grand gestures. We're not talking grand gestures at all.

They're fine, but it's not sustainable. No. It's grand gestures. Like if you throw someone a big thing, a big party or rose petals , like, you're not gonna do that every day.

Right. So , sure it is a positive interaction. It will count, but you cannot keep doing those. You're not gonna be able to do a five to one ratio of grand gestures. No. So we're talking little things, little of positives. We're talking

small moments of connections. That are really important throughout the day, every day,

making eye contact, smile at them.

Mm-hmm. Give them a compliment. Say thank you. Appreciate them for the things that they do. Give them a

22nd hug. Give

them a hug. Cuddle while you're watching tv. Grab their leg, grab their bum while you're walking by. That's my favorite. Touch their shoulder

on the way by like give him a squeeze, like literally any positive interaction at all counts.

And in the beginning, especially. You may need to count them, like you may need to have a little notebook where you're keeping track.

If you're in a place where your negatives outweigh your positives, then I would suggest you do. Mm-hmm. Maybe keep a little bit of a tally score. Keep in this one instance.

Mm-hmm. Just to understand the data so that you can get to a place where it's five one, and then once you're there and it's easy and it's rolling, you know, , it's something that comes naturally. Second nature. Yeah. Exactly. Then you don't, need to.

Yeah. But, in the beginning, you might need to.

You might. Yeah. And. Not feel shame about that, not feel judgment about that. Totally from yourself or from anybody, from your partner, from anybody. You're working hard to try and create the best environment for your relationship. And if that means having to really dive in and keep track of data for now to do that, it's not a box checking exercise.

That's not what we're saying. It's not oh five things. Check a box and I'm good. It's, I'm being super intentional about making sure I create five positive interactions today for every one negative one that we have. Which means if you have three negatives, you need 15 positives. So you're keeping track of the data.

It's not a box checking exercise, it's holding yourself accountable and being super intentional about it.

Yeah. And then the next step is when you do have that negative interaction. 'cause let's face it, it's inevitable. It's going, to happen. But it's about repairing quickly. Mm-hmm. Focus on getting back to connection.

Apologize for your part in that negative interaction. Take responsibility and just restore it back to a positive. Because apologizing is a positive interaction. Correct. It's one-to-one right there. Yeah. If you have a negative interaction and you take your ownership of it and you apologize for your part, you're back to one-to-one.

Yep. , you still have some work to do to get into the, black. Yeah. But you've started the process. Yep. So.

Next step is just be together totally. The more opportunity you have to do the intentional, small, positive interactions, the more likely you were to do them.

So make sure you're creating the time, like dedicate some time like. Five minutes in the morning to have a coffee together where you can have a one-on-one conversation. A positive

interaction. Totally. How's your day looking today? Yeah. What do you got on the go?

Yeah.

Checking in with them. That's a positive interaction.

Yeah. Showing that you care about their day and what they've got on the go. Is there anything I can do to support you today?

Yeah, same at the end of the day, check in on how the day went. Ask a really specific check in question.

But give them a hug. Grab them in the kitchen. We're at four

or five easily right there.

Mm-hmm. But this is not rocket. It's about making the time

when

they

get home. Greet them. Mm-hmm. Give them a kiss, a smile. How was your day? Mm-hmm. We've just given you five. Mm-hmm. If you do those

five things every day, you've got five every day.

Yeah. Even five minutes of uninterrupted dedicated conversation between the two of you gives you opportunity for multiple positive interactions. So it's about finding the time together and then lastly,

be grateful. Be grateful. Gratitude. Yep. The more you're grateful for your relationship and all the great things in it, and your person and all the great things that they do for you in that relationship, the more you're gonna see the positives.

Yeah. The more

you look for the things to be grateful for, the more things you'll find to be grateful for, and it will make the positive things really easy.

, and if you vocalize them, verbalize them to your spouse. Those are positive interactions. That's right. I really appreciate that you putting my coffee on for me this morning.

Mm-hmm. I really appreciate you taking the kids this morning so I could have an extra 10 minutes of sleep.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Whatever it was. Focusing on what they're doing for you, what they're doing right, how they're making you feel like finding those things to be grateful for, and then verbalizing that appreciation is a life hack for your relationship and it makes getting those five positive interactions look really straightforward and simple.

Totally. So, so golden ratio. It's the only score keeping worth doing in your relationship. Five positive interactions for every one. They're small things, small hinges, swing big doors. Yep. We have a whole 33 day challenge on this. That is super helpful. That's of interest to you. By all means reach out.

. We will get that to you and get you, humming along. On, on. Yeah, you can

, just send us either a DM on Facebook or Instagram, or you can send us an email to [email protected]. Like, Hey, I want your three to three day challenge and we'll hook you up.

Yeah, yeah. If you wanna participate in that, we'd love to have you.

It's fun. , it's super

fun

actually. , it's not your typical like. Today, be grateful. Say thank you to your spouse. For one thing, there's a story or an anecdote or some sort of anecdote. Anecdote something entertainment. There's some entertainment, there's some education, and we have a lot of fun with it.

So if that's of interest to you, by all means reach out. We'll get you hooked, hooked up with that.

Mm-hmm. So what are you gonna do? We had a little fun little chat together today. What are you gonna do to take action from it going forward? How are you gonna use this information to change your relationship?

Start by sharing this with your spouse. 'cause when you're both working on the five positive interactions together, it makes it way easier.

That's a positive interaction by the way.

Yeah. Sharing it is a positive interaction. So share this with your person. Share it with your friends. Everybody needs to know this 'cause it's very, very simple math that will literally change your life.

And so on that note, we love you more and we'll see you later.

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And as always, thank you so much for being a part of our journey on The Road of life. And remember, you've got this, and we're here to help you every step of the way. So we'll see you next week. Bye for now.