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Episode Transcription

 Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back to another episode of the Rota Lake podcast with Meredith and Craig. And this week we've got an interesting episode. It's not quite our usual. Mm-hmm. Jam. This is how to find your person and have that love, that relationship that you deserve.

Yeah. Like normally we talk about already being in the relationship.

Yeah. And what you can do to strengthen your relationship and feel more connected.

But it came up recently. , we've got a few people in our mastermind that are looking for love, looking for relationships, and we recently had discussions on, this exact topic and we thought that , you know, the broader audience might be

Yeah.

Interested. Yeah. There might be a few tips here.

Totally. Yeah. So we're gonna go through how to find your person, no fluff, just three big steps, and talk through those three steps. They're pretty critical and how they, align so that you can find your person and dive into that relationship you've always wanted.

Because I mean, obviously we both found our person eventually. It took us a little time. We took different routes to get here. Yeah. And that'll probably come up for the episode a little bit 'cause we did deploy these things kind of differently, so. Totally.

And the first step, let's just dive into it. Yeah.

Let's just go, let's just dive into the three steps. The first step is do not settle, call. Do not. Settle. This is critical.

Yeah.

Do not settle. And it's interesting because we both learned this lesson different ways.

Yes. It's interesting. So I've said it before, but I was single for about a decade before I met you.

All my friends coupling off, getting married, having babies, buying houses, all the things. And I was dating and I, side note, did not love dating. But I think that was part of the, the mindset shift that was required and. I took a lot of heat from a lot of people that my expectations were too high. I went on a lot of dates, not a lot of second dates.

To be fair.

To be fair.

To be fair, your expectations were quite high and they thought there's no conceivable way that there's a human being on this planet that has all those qualities. Boom, and then enter me.

Correct. But the point was I was receiving a little bit of pressure that my expectations were outside the scope of reality, and maybe it was time to lower my expectations a bit

and settle.

You're looking for a unicorn. This person does not exist. , this person exists only in fantasies. Hello.

Hello. So, I don't know what it was inside of me that just, I couldn't fathom settling for any of the people I went on first dates with. Yeah, , , of all the things I did, I thought about like, God, I didn't really do anything to attract you into my life.

Like I've been trying to like go back through what I did to create this relationship, to manifest the situation, and I'm like, I didn't do anything. Then I thought, no, no, I did do something. I did the most important thing I could do, which was not settle, and I don't know what it was inside me that made me not settle when everything around me was telling me to settle, but I didn't settle.

So, I mean, so you say you didn't do anything, but you did the three steps that we're gonna talk about?

Yeah. Okay. Fair. But it didn't feel like , I wasn't doing them consciously, I guess.

But you did them? Mm-hmm. And that's. What made the difference. Mm-hmm. And so the first one is you didn't settle.

Yeah,

I learned the same lesson, although , I learned it a completely different way by settling, I, you know, was obviously I, married in the past relationship was, fine.

It was mostly long distance, early days, and then when we moved in together, things started to show themselves cracks in the foundation that. I ignored a little bit, kind of explained them away, like, ah, no, we will get past these. We'll, figure it out. I compromised on some of the values and standards and differences in what we wanted in life and things that we enjoy doing.

Mm-hmm. Like, I like to get out there, explore, have adventures. Not everyone's like that. Mm-hmm. And so when you settle for that. , it causes tension in the relationship. Mm-hmm. And so ultimately that relationship obviously didn't, survive the, settling and never will it Yeah.

Like when you settle and you compromise on the values, the things you want in life, your standards, eventually that will fail. Yeah. And so that's what happened to me. But I did learn that, ah, I settled. Not making that mistake again.

Mm-hmm. And I mean, all's well that ends well. You've learned a lot coming through that relationship.

Totally. That has benefited this relationship a hundred percent immensely.

Yeah. There's no regrets. We all go through the journey that we're meant to go through. We're meant to have experiences, we're meant to learn lessons and take those lessons and become a better version of yourself and, you know, have a, better relationship in the future.

Mm-hmm. No regrets. It all happened exactly how it was supposed to, and, everyone is better off for it. But do not settle. Do not settle. Do not settle. And the one way to not settle is really understand what it is that you are looking for. Like what is your non-negotiable list, like write down your three to five core values, the qualities, the things that you absolutely are looking for.

That you will not compromise on. Mm-hmm. And make sure you go deep. Not like, oh, I need them to be six foot six. I need them to be adventurous and want to go out and make the world a better place. Have

integrity, and I want

them to be kind and love me the way I, need to be loved. Mm-hmm. Like they're there for me.

They show up with compassion and empathy. Like, what are the things that you need? Not,

I need them to be six foot six. What are your standards?

The thing is, is you teach people how to treat you by the standards that you tolerate. Mm-hmm. So raise your standards and do not settle. Yeah. Mic drop. Couldn't agree more.

Number two, step two.

Step two.

Clarity. Be really, it kind of builds on what you were just saying. Be really super clear in what you're looking for, in who you are looking for, because the more specific and the more clarity you have around the person that you're looking for, the more likely you are to actually identify it when it comes along because

aren't clear on what you want, you will struggle to recognize it when it crosses your path.

Just think about every time you've ever taken a road trip, if you don't know where it is that you want to go, like if you don't put that into your GPS, if you don't map the route that you want to take to get to the destination, how likely are you to get to that destination?

How likely are you to get the thing you want if you don't know what it is, where that is? Yeah. So it's the same thing with a relationship. What is it that you're looking for? Mm-hmm. Who is the person that I'm trying to be with, but who's the person? Like what qualities do they have that I wanna be with?

Yeah. And like, literally write down like three to five. 'cause I did some sort of exercise like this at one point. Made a list of like my ideal partner and I didn't do it like this. I did it very superficially. And that's the difference, like when we're saying, write down three to five non-negotiable things, qualities that your ideal partner has.

Think deep, not surface level. Think like,

not like

values. I want them

to drink red wine.

Correct. On my list was somebody who likes to drink wine. That wasn't you. I do

not drink wine.

Right? And I don't drink wine anymore either. So not a super valuable item on my list. Very superficial.

But think about how if you had held out for that, if you were trying, you would weed it out a whole bunch of people because they didn't drink red wine.

And eventually you found someone who did. And then your lifestyle changed where you didn't drink red wine. Correct. And now look where you are.

Right? So go a level or two deeper, . The superficial stuff, like their hair color, their eye color, their how they look and whether they like wine or not, , that's gonna distract you go a level deeper on what are their values, what are their personality traits, what's really important to them on a deep level in their life?

And what's interesting is, is when you really clearly define what it is you're looking for in someone, as you're making your way through the world, you get to see . Those things more clearly in other people. Mm-hmm. Because you've set that intention in your mind that that's what you're looking for.

It's kind of like your reticular activating system. When you say you go out and buy a new red car. You're driving down the road, you see nothing but red cars. That same red car everywhere you go, that red car that you just bought you, it's everywhere. Now it's,

everyone just bought that car too.

It's everywhere.

But if we had asked you today to go out yesterday, how many red cars did you see? You're gonna have no idea how many red cars you saw. Mm-hmm. But because you clearly have that in your mind, now, you're going to see it. It's true for your relationship and what you're looking for in another person. If you're looking for empathy, if you're looking for a, someone with a growth mindset, someone with an adventurous mindset.

Then as you go out and explore the world and you're talking to people, you're gonna see those traits in people more often because you, you're looking for them. You've told your brain that's what you're looking for.

Exactly. So when you clearly define something, you're more likely to see it. So tonight, or right now, hit pause, or at some point today, take 10 or 15 minutes and get really quiet with yourself.

And what are those really important qualities that you want your partner to have?

Totally. Which brings us to step three, which is become who you want to be. Mm-hmm. Are you the partner that your ideal partner is looking for? Right. It's sometimes that's a difficult conversation, especially if you aren't quite living up to that.

Yeah. That ideal standard idea, that standard, then it's, a bit humbling. Mm-hmm. But if you could put your ego aside and ask that honestly,

and answer it honestly, and answer it

honestly. , am I the person that my ideal partner, that person that I've just described, that person that I want to be with, if I put myself in their shoes, would they want to be with me?

Mm-hmm.

And if you know you're not going out and exploring and being adventurous and being empathetic and doing all the things, then that person's probably not gonna want be with you. Right. So. Own that and just go and become that person, right? That that person that you wanna be with, wants to be with,

right?

Because the law of the attraction in the universe is not that you attract what you want. That's not how it works. You don't just attract the things you want in life because you want them. You attract the things that you are. So when you show up as that person that you want, then you're going to attract that person you want.

You have to be that person before you find that person. And. Magically, somehow I did this, I manifested you who are exactly like me in a lot of ways, a lot of the really important ways.

That's what I was saying earlier. You, don't give yourself enough credit to round like, oh, I didn't really do anything except you did all the things we're talking about today.

Yeah. Well, the, second one I didn't do great on. Well, I half-assed that one a little bit.

Fair enough. But at least you had the foresight to see that. Oh. That actually isn't that important to me. Mm-hmm. This bozo doesn't drink wine, but he does check a lot of the other boxes. And how important is the wine box?

I mean, you were tall,

so , that really helped. And

how, important is this wine box anyway? Yeah, it's not that important, so I'm gonna overlook that one because he's actually really kind and he treats me well. Mm-hmm. And he loves exploring.

Yeah.

So those are more important

than the end. And those are more important things.

I can finish the wine bottle all by myself if I have to.

Yeah. And you did numerous times. Yeah.

That's, that's fair. So tactical step for this one is pick one of the things that you've said is really important to you and work on embodying that every day in all of the interactions and all the things that you do work on embodying, whether that's adventure, whether that's empathy, whatever, those important things are for you.

If

you want someone who's emotionally intelligent practice being empathetic. Mm-hmm. And showing up and active listening and being there for others. . And once you embody that,

you're gonna attract

that, you're gonna attract it. So

, it sounds overly simple, and if I had listened to this podcast nine years into being single, I don't know that I would've bought in the way I buy in today.

So it, takes some faith to start.

And I think that's an important one that we didn't really touch on is, that don't settle. Make your list. Know, know who you are looking for. Mm-hmm.

Be super specific and clear.

Become that ideal partner mm-hmm. To that person. Mm-hmm. And have faith that that person exists and that you're going to find them.

Yeah. As you go through life and you are consistent with the actions that we're talking about today. Do those things consistently and you will find that person. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And have faith in it. That

mindset is really, really important , it's

also the key to not settling.

Yeah.

If you have the faith that that person exists and that you're going to find them, it's a lot easier to not settle.

Settle. Yeah. For sure. So enjoyed our little chitchat today. What are you gonna do? What's the one action you're gonna take coming out of this conversation that you're going to actually implement to move forward?

And share this episode. , I wish someone had shared this episode with me many years ago when I was struggling.

It all happened the way it was supposed to happen, when it was supposed to happen. Okay? I know.

But share this episode with a friend, with a family, with whoever needs to hear it

totally.

Because they're exactly where they need to be, doing exactly what they need to do. And then listen to this episode, which is the next thing they need to do. That's all. Bye.

  Before we wrap up, we just want to remind you about something really special we've created. The Infinite Relationship Mastermind. It's like a VIP backstage pass for anyone looking to level up any and all of their relationships in their life. And we're not just talking about the relationship with your spouse.

Though it does include that one. We're also talking about the relationships with yourself, your friends, your business partners, your family, all the important people in your life. This mastermind is for anyone ready to take all of their relationships to a whole new level. Whether you're thriving and you want to thrive even more, or you're feeling a little stuck and need some extra love and support.

We host exclusive live courses. We create a safe, no judgment space where members can just open up and honestly just have a ton of fun connecting with other amazing people who are, building stronger, relationships. And to be honest, the transformations we've seen are incredible and it's exactly why we do what we do.

It fills our heart like nothing else. Now, we are super protective of this community because it is all about trust, love and support. So it's not for everybody, but if this does sound like it might tickle your fancy, then check out the link in the show notes and reach out to us if you have any questions, we'd love to chat and see if it's a fit for you.

And as always, thank you so much for being a part of our journey on The Road of life. And remember, you've got this, and we're here to help you every step of the way. So we'll see you next week. Bye for now.