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 Welcome back to another episode of The Road of Life podcast with Meredith and Craig. What do we got this week? Okay. Oh, we've got a really good episode this week. See, we get asked a lot stuff like, is this normal? Is, what's going on in my relationship? Like a normal thing? Look at this thing on me. Is this normal?

No, not a lot of that, but a lot of like, this is what's going on in our relationship, is it? Is this normal and normal's a bit of a weird word. Like what constitutes normal really in the grand scheme of things, , yeah, I agree. it's a tough word, but we'll use it in the, context of is it a red flag or not a red flag, basically.

And we'll call normal, not a red flag, we'll call it like the regular ebb and flow of a relationship. Yeah. Like every relationship is not gonna be at its peak all day, every day forever. , there's gonna be some peak and valley, some ebb and flow to them, and that is normal. Then there are things that sometimes we might normalize because they happen a lot that maybe are actually red flags that we need to not normalize and actually address things, specifically things that are not okay a lot in your relationship.

You, don't want these things. So yeah, maybe what's okay and what's not okay. Yeah. So

we'll talk through some real life examples of things that have come up, you know, through our coaching and, and talking with clients and, different. Folks like the big three are parenting, sex, money, and money. And so we're gonna talk about those three. Mm-hmm. But also just, you know, so we'll touch on all three of those things and we'll just throw in some other examples as well that, of things that come up typically in conflict, if you will.

Mm-hmm. That, people question, is this normal? Or like, do we have a problem here? So think about the end of the episode. We wanna give you a better idea of like, what's a normal peak in valley flow and what's something that we wanna look at a little more deeper and maybe adjust that. So let's just dive into the first one.

Yeah. The first example is, we're always fighting about the same things. , you know, we'll have the fight, , we'll get past it. And then a few days later, here we are again, feels like fighting about the same thing again. Mm-hmm. And is this normal or is this not okay? And it's pretty common. Doesn't feel good.

It's pretty common. It's actually pretty normal if you're fighting about the same things over and over again. It's frustrating. You don't want to be doing it. So I think, you know, at a certain point we wanna. What's the root cause of this thing? Mm-hmm. We get past this thing once and for all?

Mm-hmm. But is it like a red flag? Like we're in a bad spot? Not necessarily. As long as you're treating the conflict with respect for each other. Yeah. It's like, because sometimes, , we'll argue about something, we'll get past it, and then we'll argue about the same thing or something very similar a few days later.

Because the argument is not really , what you're arguing about is really kind of on the surface. There's something that's a layer deeper. That's creating the argument, that's the, root cause of what's actually the conflict. It's not usually, if it's happening again and again, it's not usually what the surface level is.

There's usually a level deeper, and while he's right, it's frustrating to be fighting about the same thing, arguing about the same thing over and over again. Super frustrating. It's not abnormal and it's not a red flag in your relationship. As long as you're treating each other with respect in the argument, like not name calling, not yelling at each other.

You're not trying to win at all costs and you're repairing after the argument. You're apologizing. You are taking the time to reconnect after the argument is over. So if you're treating each other with respect, working to resolve it and repairing after, and then you find yourself back in that cycle the next week, that's not a huge red flag, but there is something there that needs to be dealt with at a deeper level.

So how do we get past it? Well, we really need to focus on what is that root cause like, what is the underlying issue that is, , not this surface level stuff that seems to be the problem that we seem to be fighting about. What's a layer deeper? Mm-hmm. What is the actual reason that we're really going through this?

, what's triggering these? Mm-hmm. Issues. And if we can get to that root cause. Then we can get past this once and for all, and we don't have to keep fighting about the same thing over and over again. And leading with curiosity helps with that. Sometimes a question is simple as, what's this bringing up for?

You? Can actually unlock the next level. Is this reminding you of something from your past? Like maybe it's, yeah, it really reminds me when my dad used to do this to me when I was a kid, when I did this thing. Mm-hmm. And so, okay, let's dig into that a little bit. Mm-hmm. But yeah, really finding that root cause is, gonna be the, and , it's gonna be different depending on what the issue is, right?

Like it's, hard to diagnose it in the moment. There's no silver bullet, for that one. No. We, have to work on your specific, issue. Right. So, , know that it's, normal. It's not a, not a giant red flag, red flag at this point. Mm-hmm. Second example, anytime I bring something up to discuss, they get really defensive.

This one is a problem. Defensiveness is one of the four horsemen, one of the predictors of relationship failure. Defensiveness is, a problem in your relationship. So it is a red flag if it's happening all the time. Mm-hmm. Like we all have our moments, we all have our, for sure. Our hiccups. We all have our, faults where we get a little defensive in the moment happens to the best of us.

But if it's consistent, like you say, every time I bring something up and every time is a very speaking in big generalities, it's a very big generality. But if it feels like almost every single time you bring something up, you're getting like no blame shifting, not mine, shutting down the communication, never good, because then how do you ever get past it?

Mm-hmm. So if we're not able to, to have the conversation how are we ever able to grow through, through this as a couple, as individuals and as a couple, how are we ever gonna get through this? So. If defensiveness is coming up in every disagreement, it's a red flag. . Okay. We need to work through that and what might be helpful in getting around the defensiveness is when you're bringing something up, really being super specific.

Speaking in I statements, exactly how it impacts me and my feelings speaking just from my own perspective and talking about very specific examples, and also leading with a 100% responsibility, which is our 200% marriage mindset. So we can link to an episode that goes into this in more detail, but when you can take responsibility in the conversation, it helps the other person not feel attacked and therefore maybe won't get defensive.

So leading with responsibility and leading with I statements and being super specific can be helpful in trying to get past defensiveness. Example three. We haven't had sex in 10 years. First of all, not okay. Like if we're talking about decades giant red flag for years, even months, it starts to become a red flag.

it's not okay. You know, it's normal to have ebbs and flows in your levels of intimacy as your relationship progresses. But if, like I say, if we're talking decades, years, and, you know, a lot of times, months. That's a long time. Mm-hmm. And , it really is revealing a deeper disconnection. It, can be normal to go through seasons, especially when stress is higher.

If there's something specific going on that's very stressful, that can lead to a season of feeling a little bit more like roommates than, lovers. But it is. When the physical intimacy goes away, it's usually a sign that there's a deeper emotional disconnection, and when there's an emotional disconnection and distance that comes between you that needs to be addressed, that's a big red flag.

So something really important here is, is don't compare your levels of intimacy to other couple's levels of intimacy, whether it's more or less, it doesn't matter. Mm-hmm. What matters is, is that are you as individuals in this relationship getting your needs met? Mm-hmm. And if you feel as though there's a gap in your relationship where your needs aren't met, or your partner's needs aren't met, then there's an issue we need to work through because we, want to make it so that, you know, we compromise and we get both, partners feeling like they're emotionally and physically connected.

And so the first step for that is going to be having probably a kind of an uncomfortable conversation. What are the needs? Are they being met? What needs aren't being met? And sometimes those conversations can feel really challenging. Sometimes it can be helpful to listen to a podcast episode or, like a Ted Talk or a YouTube video, something that gets the conversation going.

And so we've got an episode that we can link below that might help get the conversation started for you. Sometimes it helps to be, you know, have a coach to walk you through some of these difficult conversations. Wink, wink. But yeah, we're here for you. And it's, not always an easy conversation to have.

In fact, it's probably not mm-hmm. Ever an easy conversation to have, but it is necessary for the long-term connection in your relationship. Remember if we don't want to avoid discomfort in the moment for long-term dysfunction. Mm-hmm. So lean into if you're feeling like your needs. Aren't met. If there's you know, a, disconnect in the level of physical intimacy in your relationship, do not hide from it.

Do not run from it because it will only snowball and get worse. Have the conversation now. It is easier to have it now. No time, like the present. There's never going to be an easier time to have that conversation. Even as hard as it is gonna be today, it's never gonna be easier than it is today, right? It only gets harder.

Yeah. Example number four. I don't know anything about our finances. What happens if something happens to them? Like, what do I do? This is a red flag. This is not okay. This one is not okay. , you both need to know mm-hmm. The financial situation of your relationship. Mm-hmm. So that in the event something happens to one of you, you don't have that added stress of, oh my God, I don't know what to do now.

I don't know where the money is. I don't know how to do it. If something happens to one of you that's gonna be incredibly stressful and difficult and emotional, and there's gonna be a lot of overwhelm in that situation. The last thing you want is additional financial stress and overwhelm on top of an already difficult situation.

Totally. Like, , we talked about how, you know, sex, which we just talked about, finances, which we're talking about now, and parenting, which we're gonna talk about in a second, are the big three. So the finances in your relationship is a huge issue, and it's really important that both partners kind of have at least a, some basic understanding of, how the money flows in and out and how the bills get paid.

Mm-hmm. And where they go and all the things in the event something happens. Tamara's point, if something stressful. My goodness. You don't want to have mm-hmm. The added stress of the financial burden. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. That's awful. And so we, have a, I think we called an episode. Don't be weird about money in your relationship.

'cause we're big believers in not being weird about money. Not being worried about money. Get the money out in the open in your relationship so you both know what's going on. So we'll link to that episode too, because it's important that you're both looped in. One person can take charge, like it's great to have a CFO of your family.

That's important, but you both need to, know how the money flows in and out so that you both understand the financial situation that you're in. It's, pretty simple, really. Just have a weekly or monthly check in with each other of the finances going over, you know, the different accounts, the different bills and make your plans mm-hmm.

For where the money's gonna go, what your budgets are gonna be, , what you're gonna focus on, the dream vacation, the whatever, debt repayment, whatever it is for you. Have those conversations on a weekly or somewhat whatever. Regular cadence. Cadence works for you. Yeah. Example five. Last one is we disagree every day about how to parent our children.

That's a common one. Pretty normal, actually. Super normal. Like , you're two different humans. You have two different experiences. You grew up with sets of parents or not, and you have different upbringings and so it's completely normal to. Believe how to raise a child. Your beliefs in how to raise a child are different than your spouses, and you probably, when you dig into it, agree on the big pillars, like agree on the big rocks of how you wanna raise your kids.

Like we don't want them doing drugs. We can on, we can probably both agree on that. We agree on that. So there's probably stuff, the big shit you probably agree on, it's probably the, more day to day smaller pieces where you're running into the disagreements. Usually maybe bedtime for you as a kid was nine o'clock.

For your spouse it was seven o'clock. Mm-hmm. You want it to be nine o'clock? , let's figure it out. . , it's not a big deal. Yeah. It's what's important is not that you're having those disagreements 'cause they're super normal, it's super normal to disagree about parenting styles.

How are you handling them? How are you operating through them? Yeah. That, that's the critical question. It's not the fact that you are disagreeing about parenting. It's how are you handling those disagreements and how are you handling in front of your kids? Yeah. United front. Those are the bigger issues.

Yeah. So how you handle it overall is. Following the same approach with any disagreement is staying respectful, resolving it, repairing it, always demonstrating the resolve and the repair in front of your kids when you can. The apologizing is a big important role model piece for the kids and focusing on the things that you do agree on, starting with the big, your shared values that you've probably already talked about.

Like you said, you probably already agree on the big pieces, so focus on where you agree and then start going out from there. Like the seed of agreement in your conflict resolution stuff. Focus on what you already agree on and then work to come to a resolution on the smaller day-to-day disagreements that you're having.

So basically what we're saying is that not every disagreement or, struggle in your relationship is a red flag. Some of them are completely normal, but some things do cross the line and they're not okay. And those are the things that we really need to. Focus on mm-hmm. And understand the difference between the two.

And , it's really important to deal with even the smaller issues, the root cause of those now, before they become not okay. Mm-hmm. So anything that's coming up for you regularly that doesn't feel right, that you're constantly, , consistently disagreeing about, let's address them now while they're not big problems.

Mm-hmm. So that they do not become big problems down the line. What does our friend Greg say, you want to kill King Kong when he is a baby? Not wait till he is hanging off the top of the Empire State Building, if I've got that right, maybe I don't, I don't know, but Sounds right. , the sooner you can address the issue, the easier it's gonna be.

The longer the issue persists, the bigger it gets, the harder it is to address. So let's kill King Kong, Molly's baby. So , take a moment. Reflect on your relationship. Are there any areas where, you know, you've normalized something that maybe is more of a red flag, or are there little small things that typically are normal, but we want to hit them now before they become big, not okay things.

So just, you know, , take inventory of your relationship and understand what those things are. And then make a plan to, address them because it's, now's the time. You don't wanna wait and have these things fester and become bigger problems. Because like we always say, we love chitchatting with you, but what are you taking out of it?

Yeah. What's the one thing, the one action you're gonna take based on our conversation that's gonna change your relationship? And on that note, love you more. See you next week. Bye.

  Before we wrap up, we just want to remind you about something really special we've created. The Infinite Relationship Mastermind. It's like a VIP backstage pass for anyone looking to level up any and all of their relationships in their life. And we're not just talking about the relationship with your spouse.

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