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Episode Transcription

 Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back to another episode of The Road to Life podcast with Meredith and Craig. Whatcha talking about this week? Okay. Oh, this one's a doozy and we see it a lot. Doozy. Doozy. It's a doozy, guys. Yep. Sometimes we invite other people into our relationship. Not like that though.

Like it's not a pineapple party. Is that what they call upside down? Pineapple party? Oops. I don't know what they call it. Keys in a bowl party. I don't know what they call it. It's not that kind of party key. No. Bringing someone else into the conflicts in your marriage, in your relationship and it's sneaky.

Happens all the time. And we know some folks who do this a lot all the time. And it's so fascinating. I don't. Stand it in any way, but we're gonna talk about that today and it's gonna be spicy as the kids say aging myself. See, the thing is when you get in an argument in your relationship, you're in a conflict, in your relationship, you're kind of at a bit of an impasse.

We all like to feel like we're in the right. Yeah. Like, I gotta bring someone in to see my viewpoint, who's on my side. ? Who can I, who can I. What's the word I'm looking for? Who can I, recruit. Yes. Recruit. Who can I recruit to my viewpoint? Yeah. Like I know your like, you suck so bad right now.

You are so wrong on this. Who do I get? Who do I bring into this that I know it's gonna see my side that I know is gonna be on my side? And they're gonna tell you you suck. Yeah. Just like I'm telling you. Yeah. And you bring 'em in. Then they do. They're on your side a hundred percent maybe, or maybe not, and then it pisses you off even more because they're actually on your spouse's side.

They're like, no, bro, you're wrong. Like you're an idiot. She's totally right on this. It makes you feel even worse. Well, that's true. Either way, it doesn't matter. The issue is, don't bring that person into your relationship at any point, even if you think you're a hundred percent right. 'cause chains are, you're not even close to a hundred percent.

Right. There's almost no such thing as a hundred percent. Right. Wow. Depends on your viewpoint. I guess the problem is you've brought someone in, you've recruited them to your team. In this argument, like I've brought my friend in, I've explained the whole situation and why I'm so in the right, like it's like a game of dodge ball's.

, I'm picking her. Yeah, I'm picking him. She's on my side. He's on my side. You're on my team. Come over and here's what's going on. Here's why I'm so in the right right now. here's a wrench. Now throw that at her face. Dodge Balls Dodge. Huh? You know the movie Dodge Ball? No.

They throw wrenches. Okay. Anyway. You lost me. Whew. Big time over the head. you brought someone in, you've recruited them to your side. , they're fully on your team in this argument. They fully endorse your position. You feel really good in the moment because now I do. You've got someone on your side, I'm winning.

I'm in the right, I'm standing here in my righteousness, feeling really good about myself, and then eventually as it does you resolve that that person leaves. You are left with your partner and you resolve the issue. Yeah. You resolve the conflict. You repair after the conflict, everything goes back to normal.

They're nowhere around. , they weren't a part of the resolution and the repair. they only were there for the impasse. But now you guys have moved, , you've resolved it and you've moved on from it. So they still think your partner's an asshole because of what you brought them into and told them and they saw and they experienced.

Mm-hmm. And they were involved with. that's not super helpful. Have your, you eventually forgive me for, forgetting our anniversary and I've got a friend or a family member, whoever I brought in, that's telling me and reminding me that my partner's an asshole. Remember that time, remember when you brought me in and we had this thing, and remember when she forgot your anniversary, she's kind of an asshole.

Yeah. Remember? So now you got this person in your ear reminding you of what a jerk your partner was for five minutes 'cause of what you told them. That does not make. Easy in your relationship, another relationship with your partner and your friend, or your family member, or your mother-in-law, or whoever it is that you've brought into this relationship is maybe not the best and tense, awkward, uncomfortable, that's gonna cause other future issues down the line.

So it's, just a no go zone. Mm-hmm. Undue tension you're creating. For no reason. Keep out of it. There's enough ebb and flow to a regular relationship without having to bring in additional potential pitfalls. So now , you brought a third person in who feels a certain way because of what you told them about your partner, and they remind you of that.

So now you've got this added tension. Oh, I gotta walk on eggshells around her now. 'cause she thinks he's a dick because of the thing I told her. And even though I'm over it, she's not. And now I gotta deal with this tension. And it just creates awkwardness and tension and difficulty in your life, in your relationship that you do not need.

'cause there's enough of that. Another reason you just don't want to is the relationship advice that they're gonna give you is probably gonna suck big time. It's probably not gonna be good. And they're not objective. Mm-hmm. If someone you are recruiting chance are, they're biased completely . In your favor, in your viewpoint, not even in your favor, in your viewpoint, which could be completely counter to your favor to be honest, because sometimes you just need to be told and checked and, held accountable.

Held accountable for the stuff that y'all are doing. But they're maybe not the person that's gonna do that for you. Yeah. So they're gonna give. Advice based on their bias, potentially what you wanna hear, their bias, their own issues in relationships or the own, their own experience in life. Like, they're gonna give relationship advice based on their relationship history.

So who are you asking? Is it someone who's single? And they recently went through an issue in a relationship, a breakup, and now they're bitter. And so everything, any relationship is like, ah, you don't want that. You don't need that. Get outta that, that's no good for you. How, is that good advice?

Mm-hmm. So they're giving that to you because, you know, , it's reflecting their own experience. Yeah. And often their own unresolved issues. So , you're getting advice based on something someone's been through that they haven't even processed or resolved yet. So just not unobjective biased advice based on someone's personal experience is, not gonna serve you in your relationship.

But the thing is, is that when you're disagreeing with your partner, you want to resolve it. You want to figure out how to get past it, and sometimes you are going to need to, you know go outside the relationship. At some point to have that conversation. But first and foremost, always have that conversation first with your partner.

Mm-hmm. , you wanna talk to someone about it, right? That's why you're going to someone else, like , you have a need to talk about what's going on. Start with the person you're in the conflict, or having the impasse with. Start having the conversation here first, and then if you do need to talk more about it to someone else, if you're really struggling in this disagreement and you can't seem to find your way through it, then you wanna talk to someone.

Who has a more objective perspective? Oh, hi. Like us. Or objective perspective, who understand the healthy dynamics of a relationship and the relationship patterns that you can often fall in, could help you guide you through the pitfalls and get you to resolution and repair from that particular situation so that you're not engaging a third party in, creating all that tension like we talked about.

And one thing that you can do to have those conversations with your partner and with the professional that you go to, to . Seek help from is to get your thoughts in order, is to really write down what's going on like journal and just have some sort of idea what it is that you want to talk to your partner about, and that person that, professional, that coach, whatever it is that you want to have that conversation.

It's nice to have your thoughts kind of at least somewhat written down so you can kind of address. And the cool thing about writing down your thoughts. It helps you organize them. It helps you process them. Like it's one thing to sit there and think through how you feel when you start to write down what you're feeling and what's going on.

It helps bring a lot of clarity, so even before you have that conversation with the person you're in the disagreement with, it helps to write down what you're upset about, why you're upset about it. It helps you create clarity and organize your thoughts so that you have a more productive conversation with the person you're in the disagreement with.

And when you are having those conversations. , avoid blaming, avoid finger pointing, and, remember to take ownership for your part in it. Mm-hmm. , when you go and sit down with someone and you are gonna go over, you know, we keep arguing about this thing, this disagreement, and she's always doing this or he's always doing this, it's not really helpful and it's actually gonna, , make things a little worse, at least in the beginning.

So it would be really helpful for you to, , come at it with a hundred percent responsibility. Mm-hmm. Really own your part in it and, and come at it from, , the I statements and, how you're, feeling and how you're showing up and in the, in the issue and focusing on what's going well.

A culture of appreciation and gratitude in your relationship. We just did an episode on that, not in the not distant past, so that one we can link there. But in the last couple weeks we did one on showing appreciation. Appreciation, yeah. Super important. The more you appreciate, the more you see, the more good you see.

Yeah. So it helps to make a habit to tell your partner one thing you appreciate about 'em every day. Long story short, don't bring your. Buddy from hockey or basketball into your relationship or your mother-in-law, or your mother love UMA. But don't bring her into your relationship. It's not gonna be helpful.

Create boundaries around what you share and who you share it with. Everyone is not entitled. No one actually is entitled to the very inner circle of your relationship together. The stuff that comes that you guys talk about that's just for you, is just for you. It's not for other people. Unless you're a professional and you need some support and love.

Mm-hmm. And if that's the case, we've got you. We're right here. Reach out. Hello. At worldwide coaching.com. Correct. So this week, if you're feeling the urge to vent to someone about your partner, about your relationship, take a time out. Think about what you're upset about, why you're upset about it. Write it down if you can, because that's even better.

And ask yourself, is this a conversation that I can start with them instead of going outside of our relationship? Is this a conversation that I should be having with my partner instead of with my buddy? And the answer, 99.9% of the time, yes, is yes. So we love chitchatting, but what's the one thing you're gonna do?

Coming outta , this episode, based on what we talked about, what's one action you're gonna take? One change you're gonna make that's gonna improve your relationship. And it could be sharing this episode with your partner, sharing this episode with a friend. That's a good thing to share with your friend.

There you go. All right. See you next time. Love you more. Bye bye.

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And as always, thank you so much for being a part of our journey on The Road of life. And remember, you've got this, and we're here to help you every step of the way. So we'll see you next week. Bye for now.