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Episode Transcription

 Welcome back to another episode of the Road Life Podcast with Meredith and Craig. And this week's episode is all about double standards. Mm-hmm.

Sneaky little ways that eat away at your connection and they happen when you hold the other person to a higher or just different expectation than you hold yourself to.

So today we're gonna talk about some examples of common double standards in marriage. We're gonna talk about the impacts that it has on your marriage. And how to get rid of them because they're, like, mayor said, not the greatest thing in the world to have in your marriage. So, and they sneak

right in there.

We don't even realize it sometimes.

Yeah. So we'll talk about how to eliminate 'em. Mm-hmm. Weed 'em out,

because most of the time we don't even realize we're doing it. We don't realize we've got a different expectation for ourself than we have for the other person. We just see ourselves so differently that we don't even notice that we're doing it.

So we'll talk about some examples of where it might be sneaking in for you.

It comes down to accountability, right? Mm-hmm. Like awareness and accountability.

Maybe you've heard us mention responsibility and accountability once or twice.

So let's jump into some examples of double standards.

You expect your partner to listen attentively, but when they bring something up to you. You're scrolling your phone or you dismiss it or like, and you interrupt 'em. Sounds good, honey. Or you interrupt but you don't listen. That's a double standard. Mm-hmm. Holding them to a standard that they're listening to you, but when they come to you with something, you are not willing to step up and listen and really listen to understand.

Mm-hmm. Empathy.

Yeah. You're not giving them the same thing that you're asking for from them, and that's gonna make them feel

like, unheard, unappreciated, undervalued, and. It's hard sometimes for us to see it when we're doing it because we can justify to ourselves so Well,

yeah, like

we can justify. I know, but I had something really important that I had to get across. like, I had to tell you right now, so I had to interrupt you, or I was doing something really important on my phone.

I just, I had to get that done.

Yeah.

, it's easy for us to justify our own behaviors,

but when we see it in the other person, we don't give them the same. Grace. Grace. Mm-hmm. It just is like, yeah, I was just buried my soul. I had this problem and you just dismissed it completely.

Mm-hmm. Not holding them to the same standard. Mm-hmm. That, well, maybe they were just finishing up an email or something. I was interrupting. Mm-hmm. You know, giving the benefit of the doubt a little bit. So it,

it takes a really hard look at your self and your behavior to be aware of where you are. Maybe not meeting your own expectation for them.

Yeah. Another big one is in the division of labor of the house. Yeah. Like, yeah, for sure. Right. So like you expect them to put the kids to bed, clean the kitchen, have dinner ready, all these things. Mm-hmm. But you're not willing to chip in and help out with some of those things or even

acknowledge that the other person is doing them.

, and sometimes it's sort of an uncommunicated expectation, like the expectation is just there. That one person is sort of takes the lead on the household stuff and the other person. Maybe chips in, maybe doesn't, and that's where the, resentment tends to come in is when the other person isn't chipping in and at the very least not acknowledging and appreciating and valuing the work the other person is doing.

.

And, and vice versa. So maybe you're expecting them to chip in and help you more, but when they're overwhelmed with something , in their set of expectations and their set of responsibilities, you are not offering to chip in with them. So if you're expecting the chip in on your side, then it's important to also offer the chip in on the other side,

support,

chip in support, whatever you wanna call it.

You know what I mean? You got it.

Alright. What about when you want your partner to comfort you when you're upset? , but when they come to you with something, you just go into problem solving mode. Yeah. Like , it's a different standard. Like that's a double standard in that. My expectation of them when I go to them with something is that they're, they're listening and helping me.

Mm-hmm. But when they come to me, I just jump right into problem solving mode. Mm-hmm. I don't actually listen for just the sake of being there for them. Yeah.

As

much as solving the problem.

Yeah. . It comes from a great place. It comes from a good place. And most of these don't come from a bad place.

No. It comes from just a general. Lack of awareness of your own behavior and a lack of taking that responsibility lens to all of it.

I call it out specifically with this one because , , a lot of times we see a big difference between men and women with this. Yeah. One with emotional support is men want to, typically, they want to their partner to be happy.

Mm-hmm. So they jump in, they say, okay, this obviously is making you unhappy. I wanna solve this for you. Mm-hmm. So that you are happy.

Mm-hmm.

. And then when

you come to me, you wanna be heard. And if I start solving your problem, that's not what you came to me for.

Right. I just, so there's a bit of

a double standard there, e

Exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. I want you to just listen while , I'm gonna figure it out. Mm-hmm. But I just need to vent.

Yeah.

And yeah, it's holding you to a different standard than I would hold myself when you're telling me Yeah. An issue.

, it kind of goes back to our emotional validation episode that we can put in the show notes because sometimes we have a real hard time holding that standard of behavior where we can just listen and be there and be empathetic and, and validate feelings for someone.

'cause most of the time, that's all either of us really want. But when I don't understand your feelings fully, like if I wouldn't feel the same way in the same situation, then I have a tendency probably more to dismiss that like, doesn't, make sense. Like, of course you shouldn't feel that way. that's not what that person meant.

Like, why would you feel that way? And when I'm doing that, I'm trying to make you feel better. Like, oh, , that's not what they meant. You shouldn't feel so bad about it. But what I'm doing is dismissing your feelings, validating my feelings, completely invalidating what you're going through. And now you don't feel like I'm gonna be a safe place for you to come next time.

Or if you come to meet event and I'm like, oh, well here's your problem. This is exactly how you need to solve this problem. And you go away and solve it. And then Bob's your uncle, we're good. You're like, I know how to solve my problem. I just came to you for a little bit of support and understanding and like just somewhere to listen.

Hear me out. Yeah. And so you again walk away feeling like. Why would I go back there? Like, I'm not getting what I need from that situation, so I'm gonna stop coming to that place. That the emotional safety goes away because we're at a impasse of double standard.

Mm-hmm.

That's a big one.

It's a huge one.

You know, we see it all the time between the male perspective and the female perspective. Mm-hmm. Just because, you know, we've said it time and time again, women wanna be heard, men wanna be happy. Mm-hmm. And this is where it plays out the most. Mm-hmm. And that we see the most friction.

Yeah. Is this right here? And most people wouldn't think of it as a double standard. Mm-hmm. , but, but it is. Yeah. Like you're holding them to a standard that you're not holding yourself to. You want to be seen. Mm-hmm. But then you go into problem solving mode. Right. Or you want to be you, , you want them

to come to you, but you don't provide the safe space for them to do it.

You

don't provide what they're looking for. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Exactly.

Oh, this is another good one. Going just one step further. , so that was emotional intimacy that we were talking about. If we go to physical intimacy, this is a big one where oftentimes one partner expects the other one to initiate, but then when they do initiate, they get turned down.

You reject them,

right?

It's like, I wanna be chased.

But not right now. But

not, not this moment.

No. I want you to act exactly the way I want you to act when I want you to act that way. And only then, yeah. And so if you're expecting your partner to initiate sexy time, you better be willing to also respond when they do.

And also every now and then. Throw them a bone, initiate it once in a while. Yeah. You know, make them feel wanted.

That's where the double standard comes in.

Totally.

We both wanna feel desired and wanted. Sure. You both wanna feel desired and wanted. And if you're always doing the chasing and the initiating, then you're not gonna feel. Desired. So it's important that it goes both ways. It doesn't have to be 50 50, it doesn't have to be every single one, one for one every time. No. But there needs to be a give and take, but that you're not holding them to a different standard.

Yeah.

If you wanna be chased when they're chasing you get caught once in a while and, don't be afraid to chase them every now and then. Mm-hmm. Basically, is what we're saying. The next one is the parenting is the second of the big three that we talk about all the time is when one spouse has an issue with how the other parents, the child.

Mm-hmm. And we'll say something. Mm-hmm. To that effect. But when the roles are reversed, not into it, they do not

like to feedback into it, not looking for

that. Look, I'm not looking for your feedback on this. This is my child. Mm-hmm. And I am parenting them exactly how I want to. I'm not looking for your feedback.

However, last week when I did the same to you, doesn't matter.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And I think part of that is. , that's the going in position a lot of times. Like, this is my kid, I'm gonna parent them the way I see best. But the thing is, it's our kid. And if you're gonna parent together, there has to be a willingness on both sides to accept a little bit of feedback.

And so most of the time the problem is that you're willing to give the feedback a lot more than you're willing to receive the feedback.

Well, yeah. And to concede a little bit of control. Mm-hmm. Also, yes. the give and take on the feedback, and leading with curiosity, like, help me understand why you went that way with that mm-hmm. Situation, that situation, so that I can understand your perspective because I would've done something a little bit different. Mm-hmm. And it's cool, you can have that conversation. But then be open to them having a very solid reason. Mm-hmm. And just saying, okay, agree to disagree.

I would do that differently. Mm-hmm. But they are your child as well. I see where you're coming from. I can't control everything. Mm-hmm. I just can't, and unless it's a major like

Yeah.

Philosophical,

fundamental issue. Right? Yeah.

Then there's a, give and take and for the big things we obviously have to have the conversation.

Yeah. When, for the little things, it goes back to what we've said a lot, it feels like lately, and not every hill was a hill to die on.

,

if everything becomes important, then nothing is important. Yeah. Like you're gonna fight over every little single blade of grass, like Right. Totally. Like in a tug of war, you're fighting over every single blade of grass.

If everything is a, fight, everything is a fight. Mm-hmm. That's no way to live. No. So you're gonna have to concede control and, really understand the things that really are deal breaker for you. Mm-hmm.

But going back to the original double standard, if you're gonna be willing to offer feedback, you also must be willing to receive it and have that conversation.

A hundred percent.

And the reason this is so important is like double standards create a huge amount of resentment in your relationship and resentment's like poison. You don't want resentment in your relationship. It's literally poison.

Also erodes trust. . If you're holding me to a different standard than you're holding yourself to, I feel like I can't trust you 'cause we're not unequal footing.

And if we're holding each other to different standards, how connected can we possibly be? Mm-hmm. We're constantly in conflict. We're feeling

judged and criticized and all the things.

Yeah. We're constantly in conflict. . The connection is just eroding. Mm-hmm. it's diminishing.

It also impacts your ability to grow together. Like if you're not operating from the same playbook and one is holding the other to a different standard, then the chances of us being able to grow together go way down because there's no trust, because the connection's been eroded because there's resentment.

So how do we get rid of them? How do we get rid of double standards?

200% marriage mindset awareness.

Mm-hmm. , it comes down to awareness. it's basically asking yourself, is there any area, like the things we just talked about, do those ring true for you? Mm-hmm. And asking yourself, taking inventory of am I holding them my, partner to a standard that I'm not upholding myself?

Mm-hmm. Like, do I. Meet my own expectations. Do I expect them to initiate intimacy, all physical intimacy all the time, and I never reciprocate. And when they do, do I like turn 'em down more often than not. Mm-hmm. It's like asking yourself the question of am I creating a safe space when they come to me with something, am I just going into problem solving mode immediately or am I like leaving space for them to really just vent and, be there for them?

Mm-hmm. Taking inventory in stock of where are you potentially. Creating a double standard in your marriage.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then step one B one A is the awareness one. B is then taking responsibility.

Yeah.

Acknowledging that I've created a double standard that I want to eliminate in my marriage like I can take full responsibility for creating the situation and start to eliminate it so I can weed that double standard out of my marriage.

When I expect you to plan date nights all the time, the responsibility part comes in with. Like, when's the last time I planned one of our date nights? When's the last time I surprised you with an exciting date night?

Mm-hmm.

Take responsibility for the situations in your relationship and then.

Once you've become aware of it and you've taken full responsibility for it, shine the light on it. Like have a conversation about it. It's gonna be a little bit uncomfortable. 'cause you're gonna walk in with the like taking responsibility that I created this.

Yeah.

But I know I'm taking responsibility for getting rid of it.

So it's gonna be a little bit of an awkward conversation, but we're getting good at those. Yeah. Like. All of us through these podcast episodes, there's always a little bit of an uncomfortable conversation required.

Shine a light on, on what you've created. And anything like this is gonna require, like we talk about empathy all the time, it's really put yourself in their shoes.

, like they're coming to you hat in hand. Mm-hmm. Or we've created double standard. It's just put yourself in their shoes, understand where they're coming from, and just understand that it could easily be me. Mm-hmm. I could easily be in that same situation, or I could have created the double standard.

Mm-hmm. And just see the relationship from their perspective, like we talked about with the parenting. Mm-hmm. Like lead with curiosity. Mm-hmm. Curiosity and empathy will literally change everything in your marriage if you , deploy. Mm-hmm. Curiosity and empathy in every aspect of your marriage. It changes everything.

Like it's literally that simple.

And then co-create the solution together.

Yeah. Like

shine the light on it. Lead with empathy and curiosity and then figure it out together. How are we gonna change this situation so that it doesn't continue and we don't continue to erode trust and resentment and all the things.

Yeah.

And then once you've got that, that solution figured out together, then you're gonna put it into practice and you're not gonna get it right every time.

Yeah.

this is a, habit, this is a, groove that you've gotten into. So it's gonna take some high level awareness for both of you to not fall into old patterns and old behaviors.

And so when you find yourself doing it the new way, responding in a new way, not holding yourself to separate expectations, celebrate that. 'cause there's gonna be times where you are gonna fall back into old patterns and you're all gonna fall back into old behaviors. So celebrate the times that you're doing it well so that those become.

More common than the old ways. If we've

said it once, we've said a million times, celebrations are a secret, sauce to your marriage. Like it keeps you in momentum, it keeps you winning. Mm-hmm. If you keep celebrating, you keep finding ways to celebrate, you keep finding things to celebrate, you keep finding ways to win and celebrate more.

Mm-hmm. So keep on trucking, keep celebrating.

So that's how you eliminate double standards in your marriage.

Double standards, baby.

So get rid of them. What's the one action you are gonna take coming outta this episode? So this goes beyond a fun little chitchat with us, but goes into actual transformation in your relationship.

Pick one thing and then the second thing you could probably do is just share this with your partner, with a friend, with someone else who might find it valuable. That would be awesome. We'd appreciate it. And then we will see you next week.

Before we wrap up, we just want to remind you about something really special we've created. The Infinite Relationship Mastermind. It's like a VIP backstage pass for anyone looking to level up any and all of their relationships in their life. And we're not just talking about the relationship with your spouse.

Though it does include that one. We're also talking about the relationships with yourself, your friends, your business partners, your family, all the important people in your life. This mastermind is for anyone ready to take all of their relationships to a whole new level. Whether you're thriving and you want to thrive even more, or you're feeling a little stuck and need some extra love and support.

We host exclusive live courses. We create a safe, no judgment space where members can just open up and honestly just have a ton of fun connecting with other amazing people who are, building stronger, relationships. And to be honest, the transformations we've seen are incredible and it's exactly why we do what we do.

It fills our heart like nothing else. Now, we are super protective of this community because it is all about trust, love and support. So it's not for everybody, but if this does sound like it might tickle your fancy, then check out the link in the show notes and reach out to us if you have any questions, we'd love to chat and see if it's a fit for you.

And as always, thank you so much for being a part of our journey on The Road of life. And remember, you've got this, and we're here to help you every step of the way. So we'll see you next week. Bye for now.