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 Welcome back to another episode of the Road of Life podcast with Meredith and Craig this week. Something near and dear to my heart. A value of mine. Mm-hmm. A value of ours. Value of both of ours. Yep. We're talking about integrity. I love this episode. I'm so pumped for this episode. Integrity is something that has become super important.

I didn't really realize. That not everyone feels the same way about integrity. Not everyone acts with integrity. This was a lesson I learned really strongly in my corporate gig in my corporate life, that not everyone does what they say they're gonna do.

Because integrity. Let's define it for everyone so that we're all singing from the same song sheet. For me, integrity is when your actions and your values and your words are all aligned. Like when you align your words, actions, and your values and you operate out of mm-hmm. Those, yeah. So like level one integrity is your words and your actions line up, and that's where we see a big gap.

Doing what? Doing what you say you're going to do. Yeah. And this is a big one, is that over the course of time , I've realized that not everyone holds this value, and therefore not everyone follows through and does the things that they say they're going to do. Mm-hmm. In fact, I would venture to say that most people don't.

, I find that a lot of times I'm disappointed mm-hmm. When people will say something and not follow through. And that seems to be. . A very common experience. Yeah. More common than the other. Certainly was in corporate. Yes. That's where I first ran into my frustration with lack of integrity is, you know, when you're working on a corporate team, you're often depending on other people , to provide inputs to what you're doing.

So you're reaching out to someone with a question , you need something from someone. , they're gonna set up a meeting, they're gonna, send you a document. They're gonna do something. You talk to them and they're gonna do something. So many times that person did not do what they said they were gonna do.

Yeah. And it was so freaking frustrating. , that was my first real exposure to being part of a team where you couldn't depend on everyone. , you couldn't depend on them to follow through and do what they said they were gonna do. And what was frustrating about that, especially for me, was 'cause my integrity is so important to me that I'm gonna do what I say I'm gonna do.

The problem comes up when I'm depending on you to send me something as an input to what I'm trying to do for what my deliverable, and you aren't following through and you're not providing my input. Then I'm having a hard time delivering my deliverable, and I would prefer that you just. Tell me the truth.

Like, I'm actually not gonna deliver this. , I'm not gonna book this meeting. I'm not gonna send you the thing. I'm just not Yeah. So that you can just do it yourself For sure. And get it done and, be able to deliver on your deliverable. Yeah. Yeah. , one of the things that I find really frustrating is I'm, , I'm gonna call you or I'm gonna set up this meeting and , you're relying on that.

Mm-hmm. Like, okay, good. 'cause , we have some things we need to get through. We need to talk through. Mm-hmm. We need to advance and. No call. Mm-hmm. Or no meeting booked or whatever, and it's just, you're like so frustrated. .

So let's talk about how this relates to relationship like marriage. Mm-hmm. Because how, important is it? If your spouse consistently tells you that they're gonna do something, they're gonna show up on time, they're gonna be home for dinner, they're gonna, you know, load the dishwasher, they're gonna put the kids down and they consistently do not show up and do the things that they say they're going to do.

Mm-hmm. Oh, I roads trust. How quickly does that impact a relationship? Yeah, Al, like very, very quickly, I like to think of integrity. With this analogy, a lot of people talk about like, do you wash your hands after you use a bath? Or if nobody's watching? 'cause integrity is what you do when no one's watching.

And I don't like the hand washing example because there's actually a benefit to me when I wash my hands. Like , it's beneficial to me to wash my hands, to cut down on the germs. So the analogy I like to use is the grocery cart. You know when you're at the grocery store or your Costco or whatever, the buggy or the buggy that you've got your grocery cart with all your stuff in it, you take it, you unload it all into the vehicle, and now you're left with this cart that's completely useless to you.

There's zero benefit to you to do anything further with this cart. It's got no value to you, but you have two options right now. Even though there's zero value to you, you can leave it 'cause I'm done with it. I'm gonna leave it right here in the middle of the parking lot where it may roll into another vehicle.

It may cause a problem for somebody else. It certainly is gonna cause the person who has to come out and pick up the carts and put them back in the store to have to go a lot further and do a lot more work than just go to the cart corral and take them back. So I could just leave it here and make more work and maybe create a problem for somebody else.

Or I can take the cart and take it back where it goes to the cart corral. And now, no, I don't know about everybody else, but he likes to park really far. It's a very far end of the parking lot. 10 confirm. It's a great spot. People do not bug you as much like, as far as like, they don't park right next to you and ding you with their door.

, you get more steps. I get more steps because of where he parks. , the other issue I get is that the cart corral is really usually quite far from where we park. So I've got a, bit of a hike with this grocery cart if I wanna put it back or I can just leave it. And to me, integrity is doing the thing that's gonna make someone else's life better.

Gonna leave the world a little better than you found it. That's the person I wanna be. So when I'm faced with my grocery cart dilemma, I'm never gonna leave it in the parking spot, like literally ever. I'm never gonna leave it there 'cause it might cause a problem for somebody else. But the thing is, is not everybody, like we talked about earlier, does the same thing.

'cause there are so many times I pull up to a spot and you can't park in it because there's a cart in it. Mm-hmm. Or you come out of the store and there's a cart right up against your door. So not everyone has the same level of integrity and are willing to go the extra mile to do something Right. To put something right.

To make the world a little better for somebody else. Yeah. And you, there's a quote that you like. Yeah. Words are who you want to be. Actions are who you actually are. Mm-hmm. Especially when no one's watching. Words are who you wanna be. Your actions are who you actually are. Mm-hmm. And that's really interesting when you think about, you know.

Whenever you are about to say something, make a commitment to someone follow, and if you don't follow through, you want it to be the type of person who was gonna book that meeting, book that call, follow through on the action, load the dishwasher to put the kids down, but you didn't do those things. Mm-hmm.

You're not that type of person. Mm-hmm. You wanna be, but you're not. Mm-hmm. That's eye-opening. And I think if more people have thought about it from that frame of I'm not the type of person who follows through. If you had to say those words, I think you would be a lot more choosy with what you committed to, what you said you were going to do.

Yeah. Because at the end of that, transaction, I don't like to use the word transaction, but we'll say transaction for now. Like you said those words and you didn't follow through on the action. Now you have to repeat the words. Like, I guess I'm not the type of person mm-hmm. Who does that thing?

Mm-hmm. I'm not that person. Yeah. If you tell that to yourself after every time you don't do something you said you're gonna do, I'm not the person I wanna be. So if level one integrity is matching your actions to your words, it's a little bit deeper than being honest. Like honesty is a part of it. Like honesty is, , being truthful, but when you say something and don't follow through on it, you might have been being truthful in the moment, like, I'm planning to do this.

Mm-hmm. And integrity means actually following through even when it's not convenient. Yeah. Even when you don't want to. Even when it's hard. Even when it doesn't feel good for you. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But you said you were going to Right. And integrity is following through and making it happen. Right. And level two, integrity is aligning your values to your words.

To your actions so that you are always speaking in alignment with the values that you hold dearly and then behaving in a, like following through and taking the action on what you said you're gonna do. Yeah, , because if you don't align your values, you very well could be you. Committing to doing something that doesn't align with your values.

Mm-hmm. If it doesn't align for your values, then don't ever make that commitment. Mm-hmm. And so you're out of integrity with yourself if you make a commitment that doesn't align with what you truly believe and how you, want to be seen, and how you wanna move through the world. Right. So if you're making commitments to do things that like, oh yeah, I'll meet you at the bar, I'll have a beer with you.

Mm-hmm. If that doesn't meet with your integrity. With your values, you're Yeah. yeah. If you don't drink, then don't make that commitment. Mm-hmm. Right. You don't wanna make that and then have to later say, actually I'm not, or just no show, or mm-hmm. Or, I'm not coming. Mm-hmm. Like, that's out of integrity with your word.

Mm-hmm. But , what you made, the, commitment you made was out of integrity with your values. Mm-hmm. So , there's two steps, there's three levels to it. Yeah. And so why is it so important for your marriage specifically because. If you don't follow through and do the things you say you're going to do, mm-hmm.

You are going to lose trust. You're going to erode the foundation that you're trying to build on. Like relationships are built on trust. If you can't trust the other person in your relationship mm-hmm. You have a fundamentally flawed relationship, it will not work. Mm-hmm. You have to have trust and not following through.

Erodes that trust. Yeah. It also erodes the emotional safety. Like when you're acting in integrity with your values and your words, then that creates , a safe space for the relationship and for your partner. And when you are out of integrity, when you're acting out of alignment with your values, maybe you are.

Using their vulnerabilities and ammunition in an argument. Maybe you're breaking promises to them. Maybe you're not validating their feelings , when that's part of your value system and what you, agreed to. I mean, going back, like when you start a marriage, you make vows to each other like, and are you in alignment with those vows that you made?

Those words that you spoke, are you in alignment with those? And when you're not, you're breaking trust, you're breaking emotional safety, and that's creating resentment. When you are out of integrity, when your values and your words and your behaviors are out of line, that creates that undercurrent of resentment that is gonna poison your relationship from the inside out, and it just creates conflict.

Mm-hmm. When you say you're gonna do something and you don't follow through, and the other person's expecting that thing, they're going to say something. Mm-hmm. It's going to become a conflict. Then when you are in conflict, usually what happens is that you pile, like you get defensive because they start to point, like you said, you were gonna do the thing, you didn't do the thing, you get defensive.

Mm-hmm. Making an excuse like I didn't time, whatever you should have told me. However, your response is an emotional response. And then the other person piles on with another emotional response and there's finger pointing and defensiveness back and forth. It's not a good team. Mm-hmm. So obviously it. Increases the conflict within your relationship.

Yeah. And so to reintroduce or to strengthen the integrity in your marriage, there's a few steps, and I think the first one is actually getting clear on your values. If we're trying to align our values with our words, with our actions, I think we first need to be super clear on what are those really important, those top three values that are deeply personal to us that define who we are as a human being.

What are those three most important values? And then using your words carefully, aligning your words with your values, not committing to do something that's out of alignment with who you are. Mm-hmm. And once you've made that alignment. Then following through and keeping your word, keeping those promises.

Yeah. Even when it sucks. Even when you don't feel like it. Yeah. Because it's who you are as a human. And the thing is, is we all make mistakes. So sometimes you're gonna make a commitment or a promise, and you're not gonna be able to follow through. Mm-hmm. For whatever reason. And that's fine. It's about admitting and owning your responsibility in that.

Mm-hmm. Like admitting your mistake. Letting the person that you let down know that you understand what happened and that you apologize and that you learn from it will do better and we'll do better. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. 'cause we're, we're all human. Nobody's perfect. , we're not saying you have to get it right every single time, but when you get it wrong, own it.

Yeah. And that goes a long way in maintaining that trust, because every one of us as humans know that we all make mistakes. We can be very. Forgiving mm-hmm. And understanding when it comes to our spouse making a mistake, if they just own it, yeah. Just come to us and own it. If you blame shift and make excuses, that's when the defensiveness comes in and we start to po and , we get the conflict coming.

Yeah. And I think the, other piece is, we talked about how it builds trust in your relationship, but when you follow through on your words, , when your actions are in alignment with your words or in alignment with your values. Then you are keeping promises that you made to yourself.

Yeah. You're building your own self-respect and self-confidence that you are the person that you wanna be. When your words match your actions, like you said, your words are who you wanna be, your actions are who you are. And when those two things. Are in alignment and they're in alignment with , your deep rooted values.

Then your self confidence and your self-respect go way up. You move through the world a different, yeah. You walk differently through the world for sure. You become more confident. You hold your head higher. You understand your own self-worth. You understand who you are as a human and how you come through, and that's huge when it comes to, yeah, self-respect, self-worth, self-confidence, and how you move through the world.

Yeah. And I think , the last thing that comes to mind around integrity. We hear a lot, especially in the entrepreneurship world, but it's everywhere that we're in a trust recession. Yeah. Like there's less trust in the world between business and consumer and client and just between people in the world.

There's a trust recession, and I think the main reason for the trust recession is that we actually have an integrity recession. We do. Going back to what you said at the beginning, that it feels like in our experience, people acting with integrity. Is less common than people acting out of integrity. Yeah.

And that sucks. It does, and it, sucks. We talked about it on a personal level, but in a business relationship it sucks too because you're, as a consumer, you are holding these businesses, these coaches or, online businesses, or. Grocery stores, grocery stores that they're gonna, provide the product or they're gonna provide the thing, they're gonna do what they say they're gonna do.

And a lot of times we find like customer service lacking. Mm-hmm. Like, , you get this defunct piece of equipment or something that doesn't work, and you go to try to talk to someone and , you can't even find a human to talk to. Mm-hmm. Half the time. But yeah, , it's like, do you stand by the thing?

I bought it? I bought it, it doesn't work. Mm-hmm. Help me out. Yeah. And you know, you're right. , there's a huge trust recession and I think a lot of times , most of it is because we have an integrity recession. Mm-hmm. People aren't following through. They aren't who they say they are. Mm-hmm.

They aren't delivering what they say they're gonna deliver. Yeah. And in your marriage, that's so important. So if you've committed to being home on time, being home by six o'clock to have dinner with the family, be home by six o'clock, or don't commit to it. Mm-hmm. You wanna maintain the trust in your relationship.

If you say you are going to do something, be somewhere, show up in a certain way, do the thing, do the thing, or don't say it. Mm-hmm. One or the other. And so integrity is the backbone of your marriage. , you made vows in the beginning of your relationship, in the beginning of your marriage.

Yeah. , are you living those now? Are you following through and delivering? And do your actions match the words the person you said you were gonna be on that day? Do your actions reflect that? Are you the person you said you were going to be? And it's a big question. Yeah. And don't beat yourself up over the answer.

Just start changing it and doing better. Yeah. If you find yourself out of integrity, like let's not go into a shame spiral. Mm-hmm. Let's do better, let's recommit to, okay, what are my values? Are my actions and my words aligned with them? And if not, what do I need to change? Mm-hmm. And then move forward with a plan of my values, my actions, my words are all in alignment.

I'm not gonna make promises I don't keep. And when I make a promise, I'm going to follow through and I'm going to make sure that I do it. Mm-hmm. So that's integrity. That's integrity. Very important value for both of us. And I invite you to take a look inside and figure out whether you are living in integrity or not, and where maybe you aren't and how you can change it.

So what's the one? Action you're gonna take, based on our conversation this week, the one thing you're gonna take into your relationship to transform your relationship this week, and maybe share this episode with a friend, with someone else who might need to hear it. And on that note, we love you and we'll see you next week.

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